Yes, a long time since I wrote anything.
A lot has happened.
Mostly, I have been busy teaching. Some practising. Lots of lessons.
Teaching is good. I love it.
December happens. Some of my students I now will not see until January 7th, the last day I am teaching in 2013 is December 21st. I have had my last piano, guitar, and voice lessons for 2013.
More people I know have died. I am ready for 2013 to be over with. Six funerals in a year (and more I somewhat felt obligated to go to but didn't) is too much for someone who is only 23.
Three friends have lost parents this year. Two lost their fathers, one lost their mom. Well, three friends MY AGE. I'm not counting the loss of some dear older (people in their fifties +) friends' parents. Which did happen. More than once.
The biggest change recently is that I am now in the process of the protocol for egg retrieval. The first part is regulating my cycle via birth control pill for approximately three months. I started that protocol last sunday.
And I HATE IT. I HATE the pill, *Marvelon* that I am on. My emotions have been across the board. Yesterday, I spent an hour and a half in a row crying. Last wednesday, I couldn't stop smiling to focus for fifteen minutes during my voice lesson. Now, I do enjoy my voice lessons. But I *SHOULD* be able to control myself. It bothered me almost as much as the crying.
I feel like I am fourteen, when I was going through a bought of teenage depression/mood swings. Not knowing why I'm crying, or smiling. Feeling like the world is ending for no particular reason, or over a very small reason. More difficulty concentrating.
I know I'm not alone. I have yet to find much positive about Marvelon online. Most women write about how horrible they felt while on it, even if other birth control pills were fine. Many call it 'antiquated'. So WHY ON EARTH IS IT THE ONE THAT IS USED IN FERTILITY TREATMENT? That I have yet to find out.
It has been so bad the past week and a half that I am going to be putting a phone call into the clinic tomorrow to ask about my options. As much as I dislike the idea of going up on my seroquel or imipramine, I dislike the idea of staying this emotional, not-very-functional-wreck even more. Random thoughts of "I hate myself", "Everyone disapproves of me and is disappointed in me", "My students are going to quit", "I'll never get into my next university", "I'll never graduate with the degrees I want", "Why did I sign up for a flute exam, I'll never be ready", and more keep going through my head. Most have very little basis in reality, and the ones that have even the slightest really aren't THAT bad. Sometimes students quit. Yes, my advisor, the registrar and the associate dean probably are disappointed that I haven't finished the paper but I have that magic third chance and I WILL MAKE IT WORK. My guess is that they probably are wondering what is going on with me...perhaps concerned. I hope that that is the way they are choosing to look at things.
To be honest, giving myself injections for up to two weeks, and enduring vaginal ultrasounds (the wand is too big for me...) everyday seems preferable to this insane Marvelon.
GAH. Marvelon, I HATE YOU.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Another year
Another year has nearly gone by. As a teacher, I measure years based on the September start of classes, not really the January calendar change. But as a young woman whose mother died in early November, and whose mother was diagnosed in November the year before that, I also measure years based on November. Four years ago, my mom was diagnosed with serious cancer, and almost three years ago she died from that cancer. Does it ever seem right or fair? No. Things will never feel right with how it happened. It was of course supposed to happen when I was in my fifties or sixties, perhaps even closer to seventy! Not when I was twenty, and not in the way that it did.
Still, things are mostly pretty good although there will still be strange and challenging moments. Although I have done a lot of cleaning and organizing, at times I will still find something related to her that surprises me. Sometimes this is a good surprise, sometimes not. It still hurts, and likely always will hurt that I was never able to discuss my love of teaching my classes with her. She was THE MYC parent, the to-die-for type on almost every aspect. I say almost because in my child mind especially with some retrospect, she could have handled composing and some practice times better! But that is very much in the past.
Sometimes, life feels very surreal. It seems impossible to believe all that has happened in the past three or four years. We lived through cancer and death from cancer, I started teaching, I became sick and finally received my diagnosis, my dad became engaged, and next summer I will have a much larger family. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I would have five step-siblings, let alone three step brothers, but it is happening! Life goes on.
Still, things are mostly pretty good although there will still be strange and challenging moments. Although I have done a lot of cleaning and organizing, at times I will still find something related to her that surprises me. Sometimes this is a good surprise, sometimes not. It still hurts, and likely always will hurt that I was never able to discuss my love of teaching my classes with her. She was THE MYC parent, the to-die-for type on almost every aspect. I say almost because in my child mind especially with some retrospect, she could have handled composing and some practice times better! But that is very much in the past.
Sometimes, life feels very surreal. It seems impossible to believe all that has happened in the past three or four years. We lived through cancer and death from cancer, I started teaching, I became sick and finally received my diagnosis, my dad became engaged, and next summer I will have a much larger family. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I would have five step-siblings, let alone three step brothers, but it is happening! Life goes on.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
On hair, and email addresses
The past three weeks have brought some changes, and not just in the back-to-teaching and back-to-lessons-full-time type of changes.
Three weeks ago, after approximately four years of growing it, I got my hair cut. Eighteeen inches were taken off. My waist-long hair is now shoulder-length and even wavier.
Now, haircuts usually don't signify that much change. For me, however, the last time I had gotten my hair cut was with my mom. It was September or October of 2009, and we did a girls' day out type of event. She was still 'healthy' then, we had no clue that just a few weeks later she would be unable to drive, and a patient of CancerCare.
That random saturday afternoon was the last girls' day out we had.
For almost two years, I had been saying that I would get my hair cut, must have wrote it into my schedule at least fifty times. But it didn't happen. I had become very emotionally attached to my hair, and not just the hair itself, but the life it represented. A life where I had two parents, where I didn't know the trauma of cancer, or extended grief. Being a person who doesn't always deal with change well to begin with, and having that emotional attachment meant that...the hair didn't get cut for four years!
Cutting my hair was a sort of moving on. And today, while going through my email contacts to find some that could be deleted or revised, I found that I still had my mom's work email as a contact. I hadn't realized it, to be fully honest. Today, my mom's work email was deleted from my email contacts.
Bit by bit, my old life-that of the little girl, basically-is ending. It isn't easy going through these changes at times. Her birthday was this past friday, September 20th, and she should have been 57. In just a few days, we hit the day that she entered the hospital for the last time. And November 2nd is creeping up faster than I would like.
Change happens.
Three weeks ago, after approximately four years of growing it, I got my hair cut. Eighteeen inches were taken off. My waist-long hair is now shoulder-length and even wavier.
Now, haircuts usually don't signify that much change. For me, however, the last time I had gotten my hair cut was with my mom. It was September or October of 2009, and we did a girls' day out type of event. She was still 'healthy' then, we had no clue that just a few weeks later she would be unable to drive, and a patient of CancerCare.
That random saturday afternoon was the last girls' day out we had.
For almost two years, I had been saying that I would get my hair cut, must have wrote it into my schedule at least fifty times. But it didn't happen. I had become very emotionally attached to my hair, and not just the hair itself, but the life it represented. A life where I had two parents, where I didn't know the trauma of cancer, or extended grief. Being a person who doesn't always deal with change well to begin with, and having that emotional attachment meant that...the hair didn't get cut for four years!
Cutting my hair was a sort of moving on. And today, while going through my email contacts to find some that could be deleted or revised, I found that I still had my mom's work email as a contact. I hadn't realized it, to be fully honest. Today, my mom's work email was deleted from my email contacts.
Bit by bit, my old life-that of the little girl, basically-is ending. It isn't easy going through these changes at times. Her birthday was this past friday, September 20th, and she should have been 57. In just a few days, we hit the day that she entered the hospital for the last time. And November 2nd is creeping up faster than I would like.
Change happens.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
History Paper
Confusion over my history paper has put me into a tailspin. I was under the assumption that as long as I got it to my adviser/professor before early October, when midterms were, that it would be all good for me to graduate at the end of October. Apparently I was wrong, and he wants it SOON. As in SOON.
Which is NOT good.
Also almost went into a full-scale panic attack when I saw that I start teaching in just three weeks.
Also not good given that I do not have anywhere near full classes yet.
This week has not started well.
Which is NOT good.
Also almost went into a full-scale panic attack when I saw that I start teaching in just three weeks.
Also not good given that I do not have anywhere near full classes yet.
This week has not started well.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Summer
Summer. To be honest, this has been a difficult summer for me. I have cried an awful lot.
We have renovated the house in just about every space. Talk about turning my life upside down. Some days I have felt ready to crack from the stress of it. Having everything in different places, dust, dirt, men coming and going-sometimes staying for nearly twelve hours, chemicals from paint and carpeting, my dad having the television down in the waiting area of my studio, me having to sleep IN my studio for four nights due to the carpeting and painting in my room...
For several weeks, I was unable to hold meetings for potential students. That stressed me. A Lot.
My body hasn't really liked summer either. It held up okay during our trip to the maritime provinces, although I was sometimes a bit more tired than I would have liked. Coming back home though, there have been a number of weird occurrences. For an entire week straight, I had decently severe levels of my breathing issues starting early in the day, every day. I would have maybe one or two hours in the morning before my body would start hating me. Another week, my GI tract, which normally moves on the slow side, decided to move quickly, and reject food even more than usual. The worst was one of the nights when I was sleeping in my studio, and I fell asleep utterly freezing, and in some stomach pain, woke up a couple of hours later, and had to camp out in the bathroom where I was SO SO SO tired because of the seroquel but with such a twisted stomach that I didn't dare leave...one of those times when you just wish your body would DO something and get it over with, but it just decided to hang in limbo.
The strangest of all though had to be last saturday. I woke up feeling even more tired than normal, but shrugged it off as one of those days. My close friend B was having a come-and-go celebration of being five years off treatment for lymphoma, and I baked some brownies and bussed over to celebrate. While on the bus I began to feel that things weren't quite right...my eyes were a little bit sore, and my head felt a bit tight-ish and I couldn't quite get comfortable. I passed it off on being tired, and maybe some allergies, although I had a feeling that things weren't just allergies or being tired. I stayed a couple of hours, and by the time I left I knew that I was definitely running a fever without even having to check a thermometer. When I got back home, it was 100.6, within a couple of hours, it had gone up to 101.7 where it stayed for several hours. Besides feeling like you do when you have a fever (kind of achy bones, sore eyes, and that slight slight headache, along with alternating warm and cool) I had no other symptoms. It was the STRANGEST thing. One, that's the highest fever I have recorded since I was 13, almost ten years ago when I had a full-blown double ear infection, and two, NO other symptoms. Add to that that I have basically been a recluse in my house, and you get one confused girl in her twenties. I woke up in the morning with a normal temperature. All together, it was probably about 12 or 14 hours of fever. A night's sleep has generally sent away fevers in the past for me, not to return. Same happened here. So far, it's been a one-time occurrence. A very weird one time occurrence. I'm not really a fever running person, the last time was back three summers ago when I caught a VERY nasty cold from one of the kids. And it certainly wasn't as high as this one. If it had gone as high as 102, or had lasted past the night, I would have gone and gotten checked out because things were just too strange. And if it happens again, I'm getting checked out.
The good thing right now is that the end is in sight for this construction/renovation hullabaloo.
The bad thing is that I am overly stressed about some other aspects of my life: Getting students for the fall, and graduating. I got an email from my adviser today asking about the progress on my paper. So yeah, stress there. Sometimes I have spent 8-10 full hours a day just cleaning and organizing, or moving things around. 99% of the work of putting things back to rights in this house has been done by me, not my dad. So there has been a bit of tension there too.
Just wanting my life back to some closer level of normal.
We have renovated the house in just about every space. Talk about turning my life upside down. Some days I have felt ready to crack from the stress of it. Having everything in different places, dust, dirt, men coming and going-sometimes staying for nearly twelve hours, chemicals from paint and carpeting, my dad having the television down in the waiting area of my studio, me having to sleep IN my studio for four nights due to the carpeting and painting in my room...
For several weeks, I was unable to hold meetings for potential students. That stressed me. A Lot.
My body hasn't really liked summer either. It held up okay during our trip to the maritime provinces, although I was sometimes a bit more tired than I would have liked. Coming back home though, there have been a number of weird occurrences. For an entire week straight, I had decently severe levels of my breathing issues starting early in the day, every day. I would have maybe one or two hours in the morning before my body would start hating me. Another week, my GI tract, which normally moves on the slow side, decided to move quickly, and reject food even more than usual. The worst was one of the nights when I was sleeping in my studio, and I fell asleep utterly freezing, and in some stomach pain, woke up a couple of hours later, and had to camp out in the bathroom where I was SO SO SO tired because of the seroquel but with such a twisted stomach that I didn't dare leave...one of those times when you just wish your body would DO something and get it over with, but it just decided to hang in limbo.
The strangest of all though had to be last saturday. I woke up feeling even more tired than normal, but shrugged it off as one of those days. My close friend B was having a come-and-go celebration of being five years off treatment for lymphoma, and I baked some brownies and bussed over to celebrate. While on the bus I began to feel that things weren't quite right...my eyes were a little bit sore, and my head felt a bit tight-ish and I couldn't quite get comfortable. I passed it off on being tired, and maybe some allergies, although I had a feeling that things weren't just allergies or being tired. I stayed a couple of hours, and by the time I left I knew that I was definitely running a fever without even having to check a thermometer. When I got back home, it was 100.6, within a couple of hours, it had gone up to 101.7 where it stayed for several hours. Besides feeling like you do when you have a fever (kind of achy bones, sore eyes, and that slight slight headache, along with alternating warm and cool) I had no other symptoms. It was the STRANGEST thing. One, that's the highest fever I have recorded since I was 13, almost ten years ago when I had a full-blown double ear infection, and two, NO other symptoms. Add to that that I have basically been a recluse in my house, and you get one confused girl in her twenties. I woke up in the morning with a normal temperature. All together, it was probably about 12 or 14 hours of fever. A night's sleep has generally sent away fevers in the past for me, not to return. Same happened here. So far, it's been a one-time occurrence. A very weird one time occurrence. I'm not really a fever running person, the last time was back three summers ago when I caught a VERY nasty cold from one of the kids. And it certainly wasn't as high as this one. If it had gone as high as 102, or had lasted past the night, I would have gone and gotten checked out because things were just too strange. And if it happens again, I'm getting checked out.
The good thing right now is that the end is in sight for this construction/renovation hullabaloo.
The bad thing is that I am overly stressed about some other aspects of my life: Getting students for the fall, and graduating. I got an email from my adviser today asking about the progress on my paper. So yeah, stress there. Sometimes I have spent 8-10 full hours a day just cleaning and organizing, or moving things around. 99% of the work of putting things back to rights in this house has been done by me, not my dad. So there has been a bit of tension there too.
Just wanting my life back to some closer level of normal.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Grief
Since April, I have felt like I've been in a complete tailspin. I realized on tuesday that what I've been feeling is...an emotion that I know very well. Grief.
Grief over the very strong probability of infertility. My friend B, who had a bone marrow transplant put the words exactly thus..."It's like all your future children dying to find out about infertility".
Maybe this would have been easier had I heard it when I was younger. Or maybe it would have simply pushed me to suicide attempts at a younger age.
Grief.
Grief over the very strong probability of infertility. My friend B, who had a bone marrow transplant put the words exactly thus..."It's like all your future children dying to find out about infertility".
Maybe this would have been easier had I heard it when I was younger. Or maybe it would have simply pushed me to suicide attempts at a younger age.
Grief.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Lost Adventures of Childhood
Watch...and realize that one, we are doing our children harm, and two, we can easily correct it. Never been so happy that my parents would not allow us to do organized sports. Well, my sister did gymnastics, but it was NOTHING like what these children are describing. And I'm also happy that the program I teach does not require much time from children (depending on level, 5-30 minutes 5 days a week).
Very glad that I was at the tail-end of 'free' childhood. They're right. I KNOW that children live in my neighbourhood...but I don't usually see them out very much.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Igor Stravinsky The Rite of Spring (Gergiev/ Tolmachev)
In honour of the 100th birthday of the ballet that changed the world...and caused a riot...I give you Stravinsky's Rite of Spring
Monday, May 27, 2013
Breathing
Breathing. Such a simple, thought-free part of life.
Until it isn't.
I've had breathing issues since November of 2011. It's what originally tipped me off that something just wasn't right, part of what sent me to Urgent Care, which then led to being referred to Internal Medicine due to my heart murmur, which led to the discovery of my congenital heart valve defect, which led to being referred to genetics, which led to getting tested for Turner's, which led to being diagnosed with Turner's.
So in a strange way I'm grateful for breathing difficulties...
But 99% not grateful for it.
The past four days I've had increased difficulties. I wake up fine in the morning, and will usually have the difficulties triggered at some point. Friday it was triggered by walking to and from the library (about 5.4km round trip). It was mostly okay while walking, but when I got home it didn't let up and really got worse in some ways. Yesterday, it was triggered by doing just a short time of parachute activities with the children at the Teddy Bears Picnic. It made me extra tired (which I already was with dealing with the crowds) and made me withdraw even more into myself and not feel like I was representing MYC properly. And it didn't really stop until I went to bed and fell asleep.
Today it's been going on for some time now. Since early afternoon, as I remember breathing a bit this way on the bus. Very annoying and frustrating. Not to mention anxiety provoking. It makes it harder to eat, it's exhausting and I'm just plain sick and tired of it. It's uncomfortable too.
Time to go to bed and hopefully breathe better by falling asleep.
Until it isn't.
I've had breathing issues since November of 2011. It's what originally tipped me off that something just wasn't right, part of what sent me to Urgent Care, which then led to being referred to Internal Medicine due to my heart murmur, which led to the discovery of my congenital heart valve defect, which led to being referred to genetics, which led to getting tested for Turner's, which led to being diagnosed with Turner's.
So in a strange way I'm grateful for breathing difficulties...
But 99% not grateful for it.
The past four days I've had increased difficulties. I wake up fine in the morning, and will usually have the difficulties triggered at some point. Friday it was triggered by walking to and from the library (about 5.4km round trip). It was mostly okay while walking, but when I got home it didn't let up and really got worse in some ways. Yesterday, it was triggered by doing just a short time of parachute activities with the children at the Teddy Bears Picnic. It made me extra tired (which I already was with dealing with the crowds) and made me withdraw even more into myself and not feel like I was representing MYC properly. And it didn't really stop until I went to bed and fell asleep.
Today it's been going on for some time now. Since early afternoon, as I remember breathing a bit this way on the bus. Very annoying and frustrating. Not to mention anxiety provoking. It makes it harder to eat, it's exhausting and I'm just plain sick and tired of it. It's uncomfortable too.
Time to go to bed and hopefully breathe better by falling asleep.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Students' Recital Tomorrow....!
My students' recital is tomorrow. How do I feel right now? AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
That pretty much describes it. Teacher Jitters.
That pretty much describes it. Teacher Jitters.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Bernat Baby Blanket Shadow Cable blanket
Finished this one today. It knit up quite quickly, despite the cables. I accidentally forgot to increase in the fifth row, so it was narrower and longer than the pattern stated, but I'm still happy with the results. I'm not entirely used to working with such thick and non-flexible yarn, so I had to take out the first several rows the first go-round and redo them as I had cast on too tightly.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Two more blankets
Two more blankets in the now very familiar Bernat Baby Sport round crochet pattern. Any sport weight yarn with a tension close to 22 st and 30 rows will work, which is why Bernat Baby Jacquards also works.
The top one is done in Bernat Baby Jacquards, and the colour is "Boys and Girls" (which Bernat unfortunately just discontinued)
The bottom on is in Bernat Baby Sport, and the colour is "Baby Baby"
Bernat Baby Jacquards is softer than Bernat Baby Sport, but Bernat Baby Sport holds the shape a bit better. I like both of them!
The top one is done in Bernat Baby Jacquards, and the colour is "Boys and Girls" (which Bernat unfortunately just discontinued)
The bottom on is in Bernat Baby Sport, and the colour is "Baby Baby"
Bernat Baby Jacquards is softer than Bernat Baby Sport, but Bernat Baby Sport holds the shape a bit better. I like both of them!
Monday, May 13, 2013
Ultrasounds and flute festivals
Today was a very exhausting, but good day. Performed twice at the flute festival, listened to countless others perform, walked about an hour back and forth and back and forth from Starbucks to the church where the festival was...
It was WARM today. Actually too warm for this heart girl. It got warm enough in the sanctuary (no air conditioning) that I was starting to have my breathing difficulties. Not so much fun.
Tomorrow I perform four times, and have my renal and pelvic ultrasounds. Sandwiched between orchestral excerpts and Mozart, I get to end up with a temporarily distended bladder, gel around my abdomen (and hopefully NOT internally) and tiny sound waves bounced through my body. Well, could be worse. Hopefully things look normal for my kidneys and urinary tract etc, and hopefully things look decent (I really can't hope for normal) for the pelvic ultrasound.
Exhausted, but a little bit wound up. Performing will do that to a girl!
It was WARM today. Actually too warm for this heart girl. It got warm enough in the sanctuary (no air conditioning) that I was starting to have my breathing difficulties. Not so much fun.
Tomorrow I perform four times, and have my renal and pelvic ultrasounds. Sandwiched between orchestral excerpts and Mozart, I get to end up with a temporarily distended bladder, gel around my abdomen (and hopefully NOT internally) and tiny sound waves bounced through my body. Well, could be worse. Hopefully things look normal for my kidneys and urinary tract etc, and hopefully things look decent (I really can't hope for normal) for the pelvic ultrasound.
Exhausted, but a little bit wound up. Performing will do that to a girl!
Saturday, May 4, 2013
For some reason, I've just been depressed pretty much since I finished teaching this afternoon. It doesn't help that my kidney(s) have been hurting a bit, signifying that I need to have more to drink, except that that doesn't make sense because I had plenty yesterday. As much as I'm not looking forward to my ultrasounds, when I have days like this, I realize that it's a good thing that it's coming up.
Meanwhile, I feel near tears for really no reason.
Maybe it's with the stress of re-registrations. Maybe it's with the stress of ending the year.
The smile of my day? Finding out that I did get my A in History of Antisemitism and the Holocaust.
Meanwhile, I feel near tears for really no reason.
Maybe it's with the stress of re-registrations. Maybe it's with the stress of ending the year.
The smile of my day? Finding out that I did get my A in History of Antisemitism and the Holocaust.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Snow. Again.
Yes, only up in the prairie provinces will you see posts about snow on April 30th/May 1st. It's snowing. Again. We FINALLY lost all of the snow (well, except for the city dumping site, which I have heard actually often never fully loses it's snow) and here we are getting MORE snow. At first it wasn't staying, just melting, but now it IS sticking a bit. FUN (*sarcasm*).
But, what cannot be cured must be endured.
Charles Ingalls, be proud.
But, what cannot be cured must be endured.
Charles Ingalls, be proud.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Hoping that tomorrow I feel better. Today has just been a tired, symptom-ish day. I slept close to ten hours but still woke up really tired (meaning I forced myself to get up at about 8:45 this morning). I've been feeling tired, dizzy-ish, some breathing issues, slightly blurring vision (found myself squinting), feeling a bit shaky, especially when doing stairs or standing up, and my kidneys have been working overtime for the amount of fluid I've had today. Well, and my right ear is still bothering me a little bit. I think the external ear got a bit irritated by my earbud headphone the other day. It's mostly better but still a little bit painful if I bump against it.
Time for bed I think. The good news about today is that I took my calcium and vitamin D!
Other not so good news? The online university system that has the link to check our grades is down. Irritating!
Time for bed I think. The good news about today is that I took my calcium and vitamin D!
Other not so good news? The online university system that has the link to check our grades is down. Irritating!
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Taxes=done
One more thing off my stress list. Fortunately, my best friend B's boyfriend is studying to be an accountant. He got them figured out in just over an hour, and for only $30 and cookies. Apparently my chocolate chip cookies are his absolute favourite. Happy to oblige.
Still included on the stress list is:
-having to book an appointment with my doctor to go over a multitude of things, including booking a bone density scan
-having to find and book an audiologist appointment to get a baseline
-having to book an appointment with my optometrist to have my eyes dilated to make sure that there are no tears in my retinas (the reason she wants to check is because I am so ridiculously near sighted)
-REREGISTRATIONS and the mess of that. Figuring out my teaching schedule for next year, and the mess of that.
-WAITING FOR GRADES TO BE POSTED
-Major Area Paper
-Ultrasounds-kidney, pelvic, and according to my Turner's checklist, I need to get an echo done again-says that I should get one yearly.
...and on and on...
But at least the taxes are finished.
Still included on the stress list is:
-having to book an appointment with my doctor to go over a multitude of things, including booking a bone density scan
-having to find and book an audiologist appointment to get a baseline
-having to book an appointment with my optometrist to have my eyes dilated to make sure that there are no tears in my retinas (the reason she wants to check is because I am so ridiculously near sighted)
-REREGISTRATIONS and the mess of that. Figuring out my teaching schedule for next year, and the mess of that.
-WAITING FOR GRADES TO BE POSTED
-Major Area Paper
-Ultrasounds-kidney, pelvic, and according to my Turner's checklist, I need to get an echo done again-says that I should get one yearly.
...and on and on...
But at least the taxes are finished.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Interview with Cliff Williams
Today was a day that I knew would be meaningful, although emotional, for two reasons:
1) This evening was the first emotions group meeting at the Women's Health Clinic as part of my eating disorder treatment.
2) I did an interview telling "my story" from back when I was 17 to an author named Cliff Williams, who is collecting first-hand accounts of suicide attempts, survival etc.
This is an emotional time. Period. It's the winding down of my degree. It's the learning-to-live with the knowledge that I have Turner's. It's...well...a lot of things.
I was SO tired during the group tonight that I was really introverted for most of it, even more than my normal. I just wanted to get home and crawl under my blankets and perhaps cry. Although reading on the bus and listening to Chopin helped a bit. I'm currently reading "The Kite Runner", which is quite interesting, although definitely filled with several sad parts.
Sometimes, it's hard encountering ANYTHING because it reminds me of, say, my mom. Some days it's STILL hard to believe that she is gone.
Life...
1) This evening was the first emotions group meeting at the Women's Health Clinic as part of my eating disorder treatment.
2) I did an interview telling "my story" from back when I was 17 to an author named Cliff Williams, who is collecting first-hand accounts of suicide attempts, survival etc.
This is an emotional time. Period. It's the winding down of my degree. It's the learning-to-live with the knowledge that I have Turner's. It's...well...a lot of things.
I was SO tired during the group tonight that I was really introverted for most of it, even more than my normal. I just wanted to get home and crawl under my blankets and perhaps cry. Although reading on the bus and listening to Chopin helped a bit. I'm currently reading "The Kite Runner", which is quite interesting, although definitely filled with several sad parts.
Sometimes, it's hard encountering ANYTHING because it reminds me of, say, my mom. Some days it's STILL hard to believe that she is gone.
Life...
Random Ramblings
Random ramblings occur when one is finished all their exams for their degree. Random ramblings occur after leaving the house at 7:30 in the morning and getting back at 12:30am. Random ramblings occur when one is listening to Wicked on their ipod...
Random ramblings...
An interesting day...
A beautiful recital by a beautiful flautist friend of mine...
My first time in a bar that really seemed like a bar...
My first sip (about 1ml if anyone is interested) of any alcohol. I really don't think that counts :)
The latest I have ridden a bus home...
Celebrating several things with friends...my friend K's acceptance to Oberlin for his Master's degree...my friend L and C getting their offer on a house accepted...my friend L's fourth year recital...my friend M's last exam...
I have some special friends.
And some special mentors/professors at the faculty. Serving on the Musicology search committee is certainly interesting. We conducted our last interview today, but could not reach a decision, so we are going to be meeting again on thursday.
Deciding that you will give your dad an early father's day present and buy two tickets to see The Mikado together on wednesday evening.
Random mondays.
And now to sleep!
Random ramblings...
An interesting day...
A beautiful recital by a beautiful flautist friend of mine...
My first time in a bar that really seemed like a bar...
My first sip (about 1ml if anyone is interested) of any alcohol. I really don't think that counts :)
The latest I have ridden a bus home...
Celebrating several things with friends...my friend K's acceptance to Oberlin for his Master's degree...my friend L and C getting their offer on a house accepted...my friend L's fourth year recital...my friend M's last exam...
I have some special friends.
And some special mentors/professors at the faculty. Serving on the Musicology search committee is certainly interesting. We conducted our last interview today, but could not reach a decision, so we are going to be meeting again on thursday.
Deciding that you will give your dad an early father's day present and buy two tickets to see The Mikado together on wednesday evening.
Random mondays.
And now to sleep!
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
...Depressed...
That is today's title, because that is how today has been. I stayed up WAY too late last night because I was upset then, fortunately I connected with my friend D, and my friend C online, and that helped...a bit...
But staying up late messes up the next day. And I've had some pretty decent problems with eating both yesterday and today. I know that that doesn't help me in the feel-less-depressed mood situation...
And there is another exam on friday. And I'm trying to get my classes rescheduled...and a billion other things or so it seems.
And then my conversation with my friend SK online this morning. Let's just say it was unsettlling X 10 000. She's talking suicide, and she's out three provinces away from me. She's what I would term medium/moderate risk. But then she starts asking me to promise not to tell people. Well, how am I supposed to deal with that?! I KNOW that I can't make promises like that, but I also want her to feel comfortable telling me as much as she can because she feels like she has very few supports right now. It really puts me in a rock and a hard place. I'm very tempted to phone up her college and suggest that someone approach her, but I think that she would still figure it out even if I told them to make sure that I remained anonymous. And I'm not sure whether it would do more harm or good if people knew. She might be more protected, but it might also push her over the edge, especially if she felt that she couldn't trust me and then felt like she had lost every single support. GAH if only we weren't three provinces away.
I've felt like I've been moving like molasses and shaking a good chunk of the day. Not how I wanted to have my wednesday, because instead of studying, I've been feeling miserable both mentally and physically.
But staying up late messes up the next day. And I've had some pretty decent problems with eating both yesterday and today. I know that that doesn't help me in the feel-less-depressed mood situation...
And there is another exam on friday. And I'm trying to get my classes rescheduled...and a billion other things or so it seems.
And then my conversation with my friend SK online this morning. Let's just say it was unsettlling X 10 000. She's talking suicide, and she's out three provinces away from me. She's what I would term medium/moderate risk. But then she starts asking me to promise not to tell people. Well, how am I supposed to deal with that?! I KNOW that I can't make promises like that, but I also want her to feel comfortable telling me as much as she can because she feels like she has very few supports right now. It really puts me in a rock and a hard place. I'm very tempted to phone up her college and suggest that someone approach her, but I think that she would still figure it out even if I told them to make sure that I remained anonymous. And I'm not sure whether it would do more harm or good if people knew. She might be more protected, but it might also push her over the edge, especially if she felt that she couldn't trust me and then felt like she had lost every single support. GAH if only we weren't three provinces away.
I've felt like I've been moving like molasses and shaking a good chunk of the day. Not how I wanted to have my wednesday, because instead of studying, I've been feeling miserable both mentally and physically.
I think I smiled once today...
Seriously, that is probably the number of times I managed to smile today. Once. When my friend D and I were talking online, and he mentioned in his logical way that the snow would NOT be here in July for our birthdays. It certainly feels like that.
I had my History of Antisemitism and the Holocaust exam today. Not quite sure how it went except that my wrist is hurting now. There should be some rule against three hour long exams. I don't think I'll do quite as well as I did on the midterm, when I got the third highest mark in the class. I really hope that I get at least 75% (B+) on this exam so that I can get an A in the course.
I don't know. I've just felt well, sad/upset/something today.
Like maybe things are really hitting me. That I may have no fertility, even though I do cycle right now on my own, despite it's weirdness. That I might never be able to have children physically.
Even since I was a little girl, I've felt like it was part of God's plan for me to have children of my own. Yes, adoption is always an option, but I've always felt that it was a part of God's plan for me physically to have children. Now, genetics is telling me that that's quite unlikely.
I got the blood and urinalysis results back-most of them that is. Still waiting on the antibodies results. Turns out that for the 'phase' I was in, my hormone levels were 'normal'. However, it's just a snapshot. I don't know whether I am going to need to go onto HRT, such as estrogen-progesterone birth control pills or not. I don't know whether that would help me to feel better or not. I don't know whether that will make me feel WORSE or not.
Yesterday, I had an intense feeling of missing my mom. This is one time when I think I'd want to talk to her. But I can't. And THAT is one thing I know is not going to change.
I had my History of Antisemitism and the Holocaust exam today. Not quite sure how it went except that my wrist is hurting now. There should be some rule against three hour long exams. I don't think I'll do quite as well as I did on the midterm, when I got the third highest mark in the class. I really hope that I get at least 75% (B+) on this exam so that I can get an A in the course.
I don't know. I've just felt well, sad/upset/something today.
Like maybe things are really hitting me. That I may have no fertility, even though I do cycle right now on my own, despite it's weirdness. That I might never be able to have children physically.
Even since I was a little girl, I've felt like it was part of God's plan for me to have children of my own. Yes, adoption is always an option, but I've always felt that it was a part of God's plan for me physically to have children. Now, genetics is telling me that that's quite unlikely.
I got the blood and urinalysis results back-most of them that is. Still waiting on the antibodies results. Turns out that for the 'phase' I was in, my hormone levels were 'normal'. However, it's just a snapshot. I don't know whether I am going to need to go onto HRT, such as estrogen-progesterone birth control pills or not. I don't know whether that would help me to feel better or not. I don't know whether that will make me feel WORSE or not.
Yesterday, I had an intense feeling of missing my mom. This is one time when I think I'd want to talk to her. But I can't. And THAT is one thing I know is not going to change.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Snow. On April 15th. And a three hour power outage
Yes, that is what I get for living in Canada. Snow. About 10cm. On April 15th. And a three hour power outage this afternoon which meant no tea, no heat, and no hot lunch for my afternoon studying.
Other than that, it has been another day of adjusting. My body responded appropriately today with something it should do, which meant a dose of advil and studying with the heating pad this morning until the pain went away. I normally don't take medication just for that, but I knew that I needed all my brains focused on studying for my exam tomorrow. I'm still dazed to say the least. Blindsided, whatever have you. I haven't felt this dazed/blindsided since my mom was diagnosed with cancer. Not even when I had my heart defect diagnosed.
Studying time...studying time...more studying time...
Other than that, it has been another day of adjusting. My body responded appropriately today with something it should do, which meant a dose of advil and studying with the heating pad this morning until the pain went away. I normally don't take medication just for that, but I knew that I needed all my brains focused on studying for my exam tomorrow. I'm still dazed to say the least. Blindsided, whatever have you. I haven't felt this dazed/blindsided since my mom was diagnosed with cancer. Not even when I had my heart defect diagnosed.
Studying time...studying time...more studying time...
You know you have a true friend when...
He tells you that "I spent several hours reading up about Turner's Syndrome...wikipedia, webmd, all that..." when he chats with you on facebook.
I wasn't expecting that, but it definitely touched me. Of course, I do know that this also relates to his natural curiosity. If a friend told me that they had a condition, I would read up on it too if I didn't already know about it! But I certainly didn't expect to hear "Several hours", and definitely not during exam time. To say that Turner's Syndrome is a bit difficult to talk about with men is an understatement. It was quite hard telling my dad that I could have various anomalies with my reproductive system. Not just could, but likely. That I could go into menopause at anytime unless I'm treated with estrogen and progesterone. Of course, I didn't mention this possibility to my male friend, but I'm guessing that he read about all those wonderful possibilities!
That's all for tonight. Finished the first review for my exam in History of Antisemitism and the Holocaust this evening...approximately 150 pages of notes from class to go through.
I wasn't expecting that, but it definitely touched me. Of course, I do know that this also relates to his natural curiosity. If a friend told me that they had a condition, I would read up on it too if I didn't already know about it! But I certainly didn't expect to hear "Several hours", and definitely not during exam time. To say that Turner's Syndrome is a bit difficult to talk about with men is an understatement. It was quite hard telling my dad that I could have various anomalies with my reproductive system. Not just could, but likely. That I could go into menopause at anytime unless I'm treated with estrogen and progesterone. Of course, I didn't mention this possibility to my male friend, but I'm guessing that he read about all those wonderful possibilities!
That's all for tonight. Finished the first review for my exam in History of Antisemitism and the Holocaust this evening...approximately 150 pages of notes from class to go through.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Day Two
Day two of knowing that my genetic code is abnormal.
Day two of knowing that I am lucky...very lucky...to be alive (stats are that only 1-2% of girls with Turner's make it to full-term)
Day two of having answers...but just as many more questions.
Day two of trying to live a normal life while wondering what my genetic code has done to me.
Day two of feeling even more indignation over "termination for medical reasons".
I don't know what my bones are like.
I don't know what my kidneys are like.
I don't know what my reproductive organs are like.
I don't know what my hormones are like.
I don't know what my blood sugars are like.
I don't know if I will ever be able to have children.
There are lots of unknowns...and then some knowns.
I know that I am one of a small group of girls and women who survive.
I know that I am lucky to have had any sexual development at all.
I know that I have good support from my friends.
I know that my sister was lucky to have a little sister to torment growing up.
I know that my dad was lucky to have a daughter to teach to ride a bike (slowly, but surely, when I was almost eight years old), and to push on the swings for hours, and sing "Yellow Submarine", "Jesus in the morning" and "Six little ducks" (among others)...and now one who keeps him in line!
I know that my mom was lucky to have a daughter to cuddle with and sing "All through the night" and "In the Bleak Midwinter" to when I was little, and to make ensure milkshakes, sit in silence, and be an advocate for when I was 19 and 20.
I know that I am lucky to have found out while I am still 'young'.
I know that I am lucky to have medical care, and medical care of the 21st century in Canada.
There is so much more on my brain. It's still very strange, despite knowing-truly-for several months now that I had Mosaic Turner's Syndrome, and suspecting at least somewhat that I might have Turner's since I was about 15. I guess all big life events are like that. And this is a big event...life changing. Life answering...and life questioning.
Day two of knowing that I am lucky...very lucky...to be alive (stats are that only 1-2% of girls with Turner's make it to full-term)
Day two of having answers...but just as many more questions.
Day two of trying to live a normal life while wondering what my genetic code has done to me.
Day two of feeling even more indignation over "termination for medical reasons".
I don't know what my bones are like.
I don't know what my kidneys are like.
I don't know what my reproductive organs are like.
I don't know what my hormones are like.
I don't know what my blood sugars are like.
I don't know if I will ever be able to have children.
There are lots of unknowns...and then some knowns.
I know that I am one of a small group of girls and women who survive.
I know that I am lucky to have had any sexual development at all.
I know that I have good support from my friends.
I know that my sister was lucky to have a little sister to torment growing up.
I know that my dad was lucky to have a daughter to teach to ride a bike (slowly, but surely, when I was almost eight years old), and to push on the swings for hours, and sing "Yellow Submarine", "Jesus in the morning" and "Six little ducks" (among others)...and now one who keeps him in line!
I know that my mom was lucky to have a daughter to cuddle with and sing "All through the night" and "In the Bleak Midwinter" to when I was little, and to make ensure milkshakes, sit in silence, and be an advocate for when I was 19 and 20.
I know that I am lucky to have found out while I am still 'young'.
I know that I am lucky to have medical care, and medical care of the 21st century in Canada.
There is so much more on my brain. It's still very strange, despite knowing-truly-for several months now that I had Mosaic Turner's Syndrome, and suspecting at least somewhat that I might have Turner's since I was about 15. I guess all big life events are like that. And this is a big event...life changing. Life answering...and life questioning.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
It's positive-I DO have mosaic turner's syndrome
Although I was suspecting it all along, my brain is still reeling a little bit from my genetics appointment today. I do have low-level mosaic turner's syndrome. My exact karotype is 45XO (4) 46XX (26). What this means is that they analysed 30 of my blood cells, and of that 30, 4 were missing one of the X chromosomes. The other 26 were normal.
So what does this mean? We already knew that I had some of the classic signs of the disorder
-short stature. My height is EXACTLY the average height for untreated Turner's women (4'9)
-my bicuspid aortic valve (a common heart defect in those with Turner's)
-short fourth and fifth metacarpal bones.
-menstrual irregularities, although not crazy
-'big feet' at birth. Which is strange given that through childhood, my shoe size was always appropriate for my height.
What we don't know yet is if I have anything else 'funky'. I had a LOT of blood work done today and a urinalysis. Including in the bloodwork were hormone panels, glucose, thyroid antibodies, kidney function levels, electrolytes and more.
What I have been referred for...renal (kidney) ultrasound, pelvic exam and ultrasound, bone density screening, and referral to a fertility clinic. Maybe other stuff in there, I can't remember everything. My friends, when I texted them the results asked "So what happens now?" and my response was "A bunch of tests!"
Thankfully, there is support out there. Right now, I have a great group of women in my life that I have been turning to. I managed to explain things to my dad, and he seemed to understand, even though math and science are not his strong subjects.
A bunch of the quirky things of my life have been answered. Of course, I'm ticked that this wasn't figured out when I was a little girl, because if growth hormones had been initiated, I likely could have reached 5 feet. It may not seem like that much...but it's difficult being the size of a junior high student when you are an advanced university student!
Knowing is empowering. Turner Syndrome Canada has a PDF that you can take to appointments to know what you should be tested for, and when. I definitely bookmarked it!
Only about 2% of girls with Turner's Syndrome make it full term. This was in the days BEFORE a lot of 'termination for medical reasons' occurred. I am MAD BEYOND BELIEF whenever I hear about 'termination for medical reasons' when it comes to Mosaic Turner's Syndrome in particular. There are WAY too many myths out there (ie, girls with Turner's are retarded-this is INCREDIBLY rare) and it's literally killing girls. Girls who could become women like me.
So what does this mean? We already knew that I had some of the classic signs of the disorder
-short stature. My height is EXACTLY the average height for untreated Turner's women (4'9)
-my bicuspid aortic valve (a common heart defect in those with Turner's)
-short fourth and fifth metacarpal bones.
-menstrual irregularities, although not crazy
-'big feet' at birth. Which is strange given that through childhood, my shoe size was always appropriate for my height.
What we don't know yet is if I have anything else 'funky'. I had a LOT of blood work done today and a urinalysis. Including in the bloodwork were hormone panels, glucose, thyroid antibodies, kidney function levels, electrolytes and more.
What I have been referred for...renal (kidney) ultrasound, pelvic exam and ultrasound, bone density screening, and referral to a fertility clinic. Maybe other stuff in there, I can't remember everything. My friends, when I texted them the results asked "So what happens now?" and my response was "A bunch of tests!"
Thankfully, there is support out there. Right now, I have a great group of women in my life that I have been turning to. I managed to explain things to my dad, and he seemed to understand, even though math and science are not his strong subjects.
A bunch of the quirky things of my life have been answered. Of course, I'm ticked that this wasn't figured out when I was a little girl, because if growth hormones had been initiated, I likely could have reached 5 feet. It may not seem like that much...but it's difficult being the size of a junior high student when you are an advanced university student!
Knowing is empowering. Turner Syndrome Canada has a PDF that you can take to appointments to know what you should be tested for, and when. I definitely bookmarked it!
Only about 2% of girls with Turner's Syndrome make it full term. This was in the days BEFORE a lot of 'termination for medical reasons' occurred. I am MAD BEYOND BELIEF whenever I hear about 'termination for medical reasons' when it comes to Mosaic Turner's Syndrome in particular. There are WAY too many myths out there (ie, girls with Turner's are retarded-this is INCREDIBLY rare) and it's literally killing girls. Girls who could become women like me.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
A day of lasts...and one first
Today was a day of lasts
-Last orchestration class
-Last time catching a 7:10 bus to get to an 8:30am class...at least for this year
-Last psychology midterm
-Last day of classes for this degree
-Last day reading "The Anguish of the Jews" by Flannery (for History of Antisemitism)
-Last day not knowing if I have Mosaic Turner's or not
And one first: having a full backpack that included a tambourine and woodblock that made so much noise (because my backpack was full) that someone looked at me strangely.
Time for bed with "A History of the Holocaust: From ideology to annihilation" by Botwinck. I do like to depress myself before falling asleep obviously!
-Last orchestration class
-Last time catching a 7:10 bus to get to an 8:30am class...at least for this year
-Last psychology midterm
-Last day of classes for this degree
-Last day reading "The Anguish of the Jews" by Flannery (for History of Antisemitism)
-Last day not knowing if I have Mosaic Turner's or not
And one first: having a full backpack that included a tambourine and woodblock that made so much noise (because my backpack was full) that someone looked at me strangely.
Time for bed with "A History of the Holocaust: From ideology to annihilation" by Botwinck. I do like to depress myself before falling asleep obviously!
Sunday, March 31, 2013
A 'typical' prairie easter...?
A typical prairie Easter. Our power cut out last night around 12:30am. Yes, I was still up. I was bound and determined to get my laundry put away. I had a Chopin nocturne playing on my stereo and it suddenly stopped. I was working by candlelight, so I didn't know that the power had gone completely out for a second or two. Usually, power comes back on pretty quickly. Well, not today. Today, it didn't come back on until 12:30 pm. So much for the turkey that was thawing in the fridge. It had to go out and my dad's girlfriend K had to bring over the main dish for them. It made me realize just how much we use electricity. I couldn't vacuum, I couldn't do laundry, I couldn't make green tea (the hardest part). Just when I was about to walk a kilometre to Starbucks (because I seriously cannot live without green tea) the power came back on...with a BEEP from our alarm system that made me jump six inches!
Oh...and we also got SNOW again today AND last night. But no, that was not what cut the power out. Oh no, it takes more than a centimetre or two of snow to make Canadian prairies lose their power! Unfortunately, it was not enough snow to fill the potholes. Yes, we have POTHOLES like crazy now. Bad enough that my dad's new car had one of the tires come off the rim last night on our way home from the symphony (Mozart's Requiem-delightful!). Well...that is life. I got my green tea, got to put in laundry and dishes (not having to wash by hand, although I would have done that), got to bake hot cross buns and sweet potatoes...did I mention I got my green tea?! Very essential part of this gal's life. And the heat came back on as well. THAT was nice too, as it was cold-just below 15 degrees C in the house. I survived, but it wasn't exactly warm. Apparently, there were power outages in quite a bit of the city...something about a fire? I still don't know and understand exactly what happened. Just am thankful again for electricity.
The blessing of a power outage on Easter.
Oh...and we also got SNOW again today AND last night. But no, that was not what cut the power out. Oh no, it takes more than a centimetre or two of snow to make Canadian prairies lose their power! Unfortunately, it was not enough snow to fill the potholes. Yes, we have POTHOLES like crazy now. Bad enough that my dad's new car had one of the tires come off the rim last night on our way home from the symphony (Mozart's Requiem-delightful!). Well...that is life. I got my green tea, got to put in laundry and dishes (not having to wash by hand, although I would have done that), got to bake hot cross buns and sweet potatoes...did I mention I got my green tea?! Very essential part of this gal's life. And the heat came back on as well. THAT was nice too, as it was cold-just below 15 degrees C in the house. I survived, but it wasn't exactly warm. Apparently, there were power outages in quite a bit of the city...something about a fire? I still don't know and understand exactly what happened. Just am thankful again for electricity.
The blessing of a power outage on Easter.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Two weeks
Two weeks. I now only have to wait two weeks for the results of my genetics tests. I got phoned this morning to book an appointment. I would have been in within just over a week, except that they kept trying to schedule me for either the last-class-before-an-exam or at the same time as I was writing an exam. I think I annoyed the administrative assistant, but I couldn't help my schedule! I'm a university student, and that week is the start of exam week. April 11th, I find out if I have Turner's and if so, to what degree. My instincts are telling me that I will, even just from the way the phone call was handled. The last time I was tested for something genetic (the hemachromotosis gene), I was told over the phone that I did not carry it. My sister was told over the phone that she did carry it. Of course, that was just being a carrier/not being a carrier, and neither one of us will have any effects from having the gene/not having the gene-my sister only has one copy, so it's like the cystic fibrosis gene for her...no negative effects on her life, although she might pass it on to her children.
I don't think the administrative assistant with the Children's Hospital genetics (everyone, no matter what their age, gets sent there for genetic testing here) centre is used to dealing with University students. Still feel a little bit bad about being so unavailable that week. Can't be helped though. Blame university exam time!
Patience...patience...patience. Please pray with me for patience over the next two weeks, and that I can still concentrate on all that I have to do at the same time!
I don't think the administrative assistant with the Children's Hospital genetics (everyone, no matter what their age, gets sent there for genetic testing here) centre is used to dealing with University students. Still feel a little bit bad about being so unavailable that week. Can't be helped though. Blame university exam time!
Patience...patience...patience. Please pray with me for patience over the next two weeks, and that I can still concentrate on all that I have to do at the same time!
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Why?
That is a question I have been asking myself a lot the past few months. WHY?
We found out yesterday that a former member of our congregation is near death from widespread cancer. They used to live just a block away, I would sometimes babysit their grandchildren...who, thinking about it, are now teenagers. One of those gosh-I-feel-old moments, but if Z was going on three when I was eleven, and I'm 22 now...she would be 13, and S would be 15. D was diagnosed with cancer a few months back, and for a few days we all had hope-my city is fortunate enough to have something called a Gamma Knife, which would treat the cancer in his skull. It was supposed to be localized, but just three days before he was supposed to have the treatment, he had further tests, which revealed that the cancer had completely spread. No hope left. The word from my minister yesterday was that he was pretty much comatose. I know how cancer death happens. Once it's at that stage, it is usually only a day or two.
I'm sick of death happening...I know it's a part of life, but this winter has seemed to be all about death. Since early January-so only two months-there have been five deaths (or will be at any time). First was what we would call a 'good death'...sort of. The death itself was not pleasant, but she was 95 years old, and had Alzheimers. She had lived a full life, and the past few years had been rough. I still hurt for her daughter, a retired school teacher I have known my entire life. And one of the best hug-givers I might add! She has had health problems of her own, relating at least in part to not taking care of herself properly because she was taking care of her parents for at least the past ten and I think closer to fifteen years, even once they entered the nursing home. Okay, and the second one was also similar-the mother of my former Wind Ensemble conductor, I believe she was 89. So, while I do feel a great deal of empathy for these people who are personally special to me, I am at peace with these deaths.
Then come the not-so-good ones. My friend T lost his father in a car accident this winter. He himself was mildly injured, and his brother more severely, although he has recovered pretty well so far. His father was about the same age as my mom when she died from cancer. The difference of course was that he had no time to prepare, and SURVIVED a crash that his father didn't. Talk about survivor's guilt.
And March 6th, the unthinkable happened, when my friend's brother S committed suicide. Did I mention that I'm still feeling haunted by his father's words? I may for a very, very, very long time, especially when I get down so to speak. When I know that there have been countless dozens of days where very, very little got me through. That is what severe depression can look like. I can't say I know exactly what S felt because everyone is an individual, but I can say that I've felt very, very similar. The only difference is that I wasn't successful. Why S and not me? Why I am here when if we really want to get down to exact numbers, S was more successful in life than I with a higher GPA? A family that, again, if it comes down to it, is much closer and more supportive?
And then I ask why? about me. Why can't I have more energy? Why are there no easy answers? WHEN is my blood work from genetics going to come in? 3 months is on wednesday. I am right now very much faced with the strong possibility that because of this low energy and other issues that have made it more difficult to work that I will be graduating in October instead of May. Now, I'm not that upset about that, but it is at the same time. Actually, the main reason I feel upset about it is because so many of my friends are graduating in May and it would be neat to graduate together...but...health has to come first. It's huge though. I feel at times like life is passing me by with my friends, some of whom are younger than me going off and graduating and going to grad school, and I won't be yet. And it's not due to lack of brains or hard work on my part. It's because of my stupid, stupid body that keeps betraying me.
A week or two ago, my weight had dropped a bit. Now it's suddenly rebounded up further than it was. I have a feeling that it's mostly just fluid/distension from stomach issues but it doesn't help the ED brain. And my stomach is uncomfortable. I hate the times when I just feel so strongly that I hate my body. The phrase "Love your body for what it does" doesn't resonate too well when it seems like there is SO MUCH that it IS NOT doing.
I'm tired. I was tired during teaching, then crashed a bit afterwards. I forced myself to do some cooking but it really wore me out, and I started having breathing problems. I hadn't had it that severely for some time, and was glad that no one else was around to see me squatting on a kitchen chair to finish chopping spinach for the vegetable lasagna. The really good thing about today was that I was very, very happy with my students' performances during solo time. Things just seemed to have clicked for most of them in my Sunbeams One class. Funny how just when you are starting to get worried things work out...
And yes, I will be seeing my doctor this week. Domperidone and iron, domperidone and iron...It's obvious that this has now affected my life quite a bit, having to delay graduation. I know it's only a temporary setback...but that doesn't make it particularly easy either.
We found out yesterday that a former member of our congregation is near death from widespread cancer. They used to live just a block away, I would sometimes babysit their grandchildren...who, thinking about it, are now teenagers. One of those gosh-I-feel-old moments, but if Z was going on three when I was eleven, and I'm 22 now...she would be 13, and S would be 15. D was diagnosed with cancer a few months back, and for a few days we all had hope-my city is fortunate enough to have something called a Gamma Knife, which would treat the cancer in his skull. It was supposed to be localized, but just three days before he was supposed to have the treatment, he had further tests, which revealed that the cancer had completely spread. No hope left. The word from my minister yesterday was that he was pretty much comatose. I know how cancer death happens. Once it's at that stage, it is usually only a day or two.
I'm sick of death happening...I know it's a part of life, but this winter has seemed to be all about death. Since early January-so only two months-there have been five deaths (or will be at any time). First was what we would call a 'good death'...sort of. The death itself was not pleasant, but she was 95 years old, and had Alzheimers. She had lived a full life, and the past few years had been rough. I still hurt for her daughter, a retired school teacher I have known my entire life. And one of the best hug-givers I might add! She has had health problems of her own, relating at least in part to not taking care of herself properly because she was taking care of her parents for at least the past ten and I think closer to fifteen years, even once they entered the nursing home. Okay, and the second one was also similar-the mother of my former Wind Ensemble conductor, I believe she was 89. So, while I do feel a great deal of empathy for these people who are personally special to me, I am at peace with these deaths.
Then come the not-so-good ones. My friend T lost his father in a car accident this winter. He himself was mildly injured, and his brother more severely, although he has recovered pretty well so far. His father was about the same age as my mom when she died from cancer. The difference of course was that he had no time to prepare, and SURVIVED a crash that his father didn't. Talk about survivor's guilt.
And March 6th, the unthinkable happened, when my friend's brother S committed suicide. Did I mention that I'm still feeling haunted by his father's words? I may for a very, very, very long time, especially when I get down so to speak. When I know that there have been countless dozens of days where very, very little got me through. That is what severe depression can look like. I can't say I know exactly what S felt because everyone is an individual, but I can say that I've felt very, very similar. The only difference is that I wasn't successful. Why S and not me? Why I am here when if we really want to get down to exact numbers, S was more successful in life than I with a higher GPA? A family that, again, if it comes down to it, is much closer and more supportive?
And then I ask why? about me. Why can't I have more energy? Why are there no easy answers? WHEN is my blood work from genetics going to come in? 3 months is on wednesday. I am right now very much faced with the strong possibility that because of this low energy and other issues that have made it more difficult to work that I will be graduating in October instead of May. Now, I'm not that upset about that, but it is at the same time. Actually, the main reason I feel upset about it is because so many of my friends are graduating in May and it would be neat to graduate together...but...health has to come first. It's huge though. I feel at times like life is passing me by with my friends, some of whom are younger than me going off and graduating and going to grad school, and I won't be yet. And it's not due to lack of brains or hard work on my part. It's because of my stupid, stupid body that keeps betraying me.
A week or two ago, my weight had dropped a bit. Now it's suddenly rebounded up further than it was. I have a feeling that it's mostly just fluid/distension from stomach issues but it doesn't help the ED brain. And my stomach is uncomfortable. I hate the times when I just feel so strongly that I hate my body. The phrase "Love your body for what it does" doesn't resonate too well when it seems like there is SO MUCH that it IS NOT doing.
I'm tired. I was tired during teaching, then crashed a bit afterwards. I forced myself to do some cooking but it really wore me out, and I started having breathing problems. I hadn't had it that severely for some time, and was glad that no one else was around to see me squatting on a kitchen chair to finish chopping spinach for the vegetable lasagna. The really good thing about today was that I was very, very happy with my students' performances during solo time. Things just seemed to have clicked for most of them in my Sunbeams One class. Funny how just when you are starting to get worried things work out...
And yes, I will be seeing my doctor this week. Domperidone and iron, domperidone and iron...It's obvious that this has now affected my life quite a bit, having to delay graduation. I know it's only a temporary setback...but that doesn't make it particularly easy either.
Monday, March 18, 2013
The past week
Let's just say that the past week has been a bit (a bit?!) disjointed, sad, strange, weird, long, tiring, and most of all COLD. Well, that last bit is mostly for me.
Cold describes me. Warm heart, cold everything else. Take today. We had a bit of a blizzard/snow storm/whatever you want to call it. Being the hearty prairie people we are, my university was of course open and the city buses were of course running. In fact, my buses to and from the university were pretty much on time, and it only took about five minutes longer on either end to get there and back. That's really not bad considering how much snow we got, how low the visibility was, and how windy it was. It was NOT nice out today, especially this morning. We got at least six inches of snow overnight, which is very doable for us, but not exactly pleasant. I had already predicted that there would be fewer people in my Orchestration class this morning because of St. Patrick's day the night before. Well, I was sort of correct. Only two of us showed up on time, two others by the time my professor wanted to start the class. However, by the end of class, we did have eight of us, and I know that the reason my friend R was away was because she is in Toronto for an audition. Seeing so many of my friends doing Master's auditions...and getting in...it almost makes me feel as if I'm being left in the dust because I'm not doing any auditions right now. But then I remember that I have plans, and that right now anyways I wouldn't have the strength to try to do any auditions, let alone start a graduate degree! But there is definitely that longing, and feeling of well, being passed over. Plus, I'm going to miss so many of them when they go off. My friend K is going to Germany, N to Boston. At least my very dear friend B is probably staying right here to do her Master's.
Oh yes, how did I get off that topic. I said that I was so cold. Cold, cold, cold, cold, cold. Even wrapping up in a fleece blanket doesn't always cut it. It certainly didn't yesterday. And I seem to be extra sensitive coming in from the cold. I took my temperature about fifteen or twenty minutes after coming in from my bus (and it is a half-hour ride approximately on the bus from my piano lesson) this afternoon. My temperature was a whopping 95.5 degrees. Talk about chilly. It did go back higher, but that is showing me that I'm not only staying cold most of the time, but I'm extra sensitive to the cold. The bus wasn't that cold itself! And I don't have that long a walk in from the mall where the bus stop is to my house. It was the waiting outside for the bus that got me. Usually, I catch the bus at about 3:54, today it was 4:15 by the time it got to the stop. BRRR. Some of the snow drifts in my yard are almost as tall as I am (57 inches).
The ramblings of a cold, tired, sad person who is going to go to bed now that it is socially acceptable. Really, many days I would seriously crawl into bed at 2pm, 5pm, 8pm...if any of those were socially acceptable times. OR if I lived alone. Perhaps it is good that I don't?
I'm not going to attempt to get into my doctor tomorrow, but will later to get started on the domperidone and investigate some iron supplementation. I doubt that it will hurt, especially as it's been tossed about before. I just need to come in with my agenda and my demands for lack of a better term. Although I DO NOT believe that depression caused any of these symptoms (given that I would call how I felt in July/August-October of 2011-right before symptoms started- as the best I'd felt since I was about six or seven years old) but I could agree that it is secondary depression. BUT I do know that when I saw my ICM on thursday that I was one, really upset from the funeral the day before, and two, in retrospect, quite affected by PMS. I should have known at the time-the only time I ever really feel angry or anything is right before and sometimes the first day. I even felt like snapping at one of my students on saturday morning, that just doesn't happen. As a weird note, the exam that I wrote at a weird time, in a weird place, with only my section instructor and another fellow graduate/friend of S, when I was feeling already so messed up...turns out to be my best psychology exam mark so far, 38/40, another A+ (I've only gotten A+ in psychology). I finished the psychology online lectures today. Now there is just three chapters to read and take notes on.
So, to bed...
Cold describes me. Warm heart, cold everything else. Take today. We had a bit of a blizzard/snow storm/whatever you want to call it. Being the hearty prairie people we are, my university was of course open and the city buses were of course running. In fact, my buses to and from the university were pretty much on time, and it only took about five minutes longer on either end to get there and back. That's really not bad considering how much snow we got, how low the visibility was, and how windy it was. It was NOT nice out today, especially this morning. We got at least six inches of snow overnight, which is very doable for us, but not exactly pleasant. I had already predicted that there would be fewer people in my Orchestration class this morning because of St. Patrick's day the night before. Well, I was sort of correct. Only two of us showed up on time, two others by the time my professor wanted to start the class. However, by the end of class, we did have eight of us, and I know that the reason my friend R was away was because she is in Toronto for an audition. Seeing so many of my friends doing Master's auditions...and getting in...it almost makes me feel as if I'm being left in the dust because I'm not doing any auditions right now. But then I remember that I have plans, and that right now anyways I wouldn't have the strength to try to do any auditions, let alone start a graduate degree! But there is definitely that longing, and feeling of well, being passed over. Plus, I'm going to miss so many of them when they go off. My friend K is going to Germany, N to Boston. At least my very dear friend B is probably staying right here to do her Master's.
Oh yes, how did I get off that topic. I said that I was so cold. Cold, cold, cold, cold, cold. Even wrapping up in a fleece blanket doesn't always cut it. It certainly didn't yesterday. And I seem to be extra sensitive coming in from the cold. I took my temperature about fifteen or twenty minutes after coming in from my bus (and it is a half-hour ride approximately on the bus from my piano lesson) this afternoon. My temperature was a whopping 95.5 degrees. Talk about chilly. It did go back higher, but that is showing me that I'm not only staying cold most of the time, but I'm extra sensitive to the cold. The bus wasn't that cold itself! And I don't have that long a walk in from the mall where the bus stop is to my house. It was the waiting outside for the bus that got me. Usually, I catch the bus at about 3:54, today it was 4:15 by the time it got to the stop. BRRR. Some of the snow drifts in my yard are almost as tall as I am (57 inches).
The ramblings of a cold, tired, sad person who is going to go to bed now that it is socially acceptable. Really, many days I would seriously crawl into bed at 2pm, 5pm, 8pm...if any of those were socially acceptable times. OR if I lived alone. Perhaps it is good that I don't?
I'm not going to attempt to get into my doctor tomorrow, but will later to get started on the domperidone and investigate some iron supplementation. I doubt that it will hurt, especially as it's been tossed about before. I just need to come in with my agenda and my demands for lack of a better term. Although I DO NOT believe that depression caused any of these symptoms (given that I would call how I felt in July/August-October of 2011-right before symptoms started- as the best I'd felt since I was about six or seven years old) but I could agree that it is secondary depression. BUT I do know that when I saw my ICM on thursday that I was one, really upset from the funeral the day before, and two, in retrospect, quite affected by PMS. I should have known at the time-the only time I ever really feel angry or anything is right before and sometimes the first day. I even felt like snapping at one of my students on saturday morning, that just doesn't happen. As a weird note, the exam that I wrote at a weird time, in a weird place, with only my section instructor and another fellow graduate/friend of S, when I was feeling already so messed up...turns out to be my best psychology exam mark so far, 38/40, another A+ (I've only gotten A+ in psychology). I finished the psychology online lectures today. Now there is just three chapters to read and take notes on.
So, to bed...
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Faith in humanity restored
My faith in humanity was restored today by my section instructor. Not only am I able to write the exam earlier in the day, but I will just write the 40 multiple choice questions, AND she rescheduled my Academic Achievement assignment to a different time that day so that I could still do that (her original suggestion for a writing time was the same time that I was scheduled to do the academic achievement assignment).
If anyone read this and prayed with me so that I could attend the funeral and provide support to his family (not to mention bring some closure to myself despite not knowing him particularly well-he was three years younger than me) THANK YOU. Sometimes, funerals show you who really cares. Of course, sometimes people who really do care are unable to be there, but if I found out that any of the friends who attended my mom's funeral had worked to reschedule an exam so that they could get there, I would be even more touched.
Please...rest in peace S. We all miss you here. Although I know that you must have been in an incredible amount of pain, I so sincerely wish that you had let someone into that pain, because it does lessen over time.
If anyone read this and prayed with me so that I could attend the funeral and provide support to his family (not to mention bring some closure to myself despite not knowing him particularly well-he was three years younger than me) THANK YOU. Sometimes, funerals show you who really cares. Of course, sometimes people who really do care are unable to be there, but if I found out that any of the friends who attended my mom's funeral had worked to reschedule an exam so that they could get there, I would be even more touched.
Please...rest in peace S. We all miss you here. Although I know that you must have been in an incredible amount of pain, I so sincerely wish that you had let someone into that pain, because it does lessen over time.
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Stupid, stupid, stupid...
That is how I feel about my course syllabus for Intro to Psychology right now.
I found out earlier this evening that S's funeral will be at 2pm on wednesday.
I have a psychology exam at 3:30pm, and it is a 45 minute bus ride from the church to the university. Therein lies the difficulty. More than anything, I want to be there to support S's family, who have supported me so much through my difficult times.
The exact wording in my psychology syllabus is:
I found out earlier this evening that S's funeral will be at 2pm on wednesday.
I have a psychology exam at 3:30pm, and it is a 45 minute bus ride from the church to the university. Therein lies the difficulty. More than anything, I want to be there to support S's family, who have supported me so much through my difficult times.
The exact wording in my psychology syllabus is:
MISSED EXAMS
Students
who miss an exam will not be permitted to write a make-up test, unless they are
granted permission to do so by their Section Instructor. The only valid reasons for missing an exam
are: 1. serious illness or injury, requiring hospitalization, 2. bereavement,
owing to the death of a close loved one, and 3. a traumatic experience. One of
these three types of events must have occurred recently enough to explain the
students’ absence from the exam (i.e., the illness/injury, death, or trauma
must have occurred within the 48 hours prior to the exam’s day and time).
Documentation must be provided in support of such explanations for missing an
exam. Moreover, to qualify for a make-up test, any student who misses an exam
on account of illness/injury, bereavement, or trauma must make contact with
their Section Instructor, by email, before the end of the business day (i.e.,
by 4:30 PM) when the exam that they missed was scheduled to take place. Only
one make-up test will be scheduled for each of the course’s six exams. Make-up
tests for the first three exams will be held during the final exam period for
the Fall Term. Make-up test for the last three exams will be held during the
final exam for the Winter Term. If you are granted permission to write a
make-up test, you must make contact with your Section Instructor to be notified
as to its date, time, and location. There will only be one opportunity to write
a make-up test, and you will not have a say as to the day, time, and location
for which make-up tests will be scheduled. Unlike regularly scheduled exams,
which will follow a multiple-choice format, the make-up tests for each exam will
require written completion of 4 essay questions.
I'm pretty sure that this funeral is not going to count. I sent an email to my section instructor, and am praying for a positive response, but am expecting the worst. Please pray with me on this one.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Some days...
Some days, you find out that no matter how bad your day is/was, someone else had a much worse day/is having a much worse day. Today was one of those days.
My dear friend D, who I have been friends with since grade seven lost his brother last night. My friend A (D's mom, and one of my 'substitute moms') lost her middle son last night.
S was 19. He committed suicide.
My dear friend D, who I have been friends with since grade seven lost his brother last night. My friend A (D's mom, and one of my 'substitute moms') lost her middle son last night.
S was 19. He committed suicide.
Tired, tired, tired
Yesterday was a challenging day to say the least. It just wasn't my day! From finding out that my blood work was 'normal' (although I must say that my T4 was definitely on the low end of normal if the range was 13-22 and mine was 15) to having to finish a paper (although it is the last 'normal' paper of my degree, all I have left is my major area paper), to getting completely DRENCHED by a truck when walking back to the bus from my rehearsal with my accompanist to not even being able to eat dinner because of time constraints, to having my feet nearly freeze while waiting for the bus downtown at 10pm to go home etc etc...it just wasn't my day.
I am a little bit disappointed that I woke up too late today to go downtown for noon to hear my History of Antisemtism professor speak at the other major university in the city on the topic of Zionism and Israel and other things for...I can't even remember the name of this week. I feel like I've let myself AND my friends/classmates down, although I hear that it will be posted online as well.
Tired, tired, tired. That describes how I feel right now. Yesterday I managed to keep pushing through and going. Take that "it's all in your head" people who would try to say that all my symptoms are because of stress. Funny, because typically when I'm under more stress (ex, the day or two before a paper is due) I have FEWER symptoms-ex, more energy, I don't have any of the breathing problems, I sometimes even get *GASP* small feelings of hunger, no headaches etc. I'm not exactly sure what that means. I don't like those stress days because they are mentally tiring...but they come because on non-stress days (which ARE the VAST majority) I am too tired/otherwise not feeling great to get enough done to prevent the stress days! After getting totally drenched by the truck yesterday I TOTALLY let out a bit of a primal scream. It was somewhat satisfying...
My one festival class is later this afternoon. Time to finish planning my Moonbeams Two class.
I am a little bit disappointed that I woke up too late today to go downtown for noon to hear my History of Antisemtism professor speak at the other major university in the city on the topic of Zionism and Israel and other things for...I can't even remember the name of this week. I feel like I've let myself AND my friends/classmates down, although I hear that it will be posted online as well.
Tired, tired, tired. That describes how I feel right now. Yesterday I managed to keep pushing through and going. Take that "it's all in your head" people who would try to say that all my symptoms are because of stress. Funny, because typically when I'm under more stress (ex, the day or two before a paper is due) I have FEWER symptoms-ex, more energy, I don't have any of the breathing problems, I sometimes even get *GASP* small feelings of hunger, no headaches etc. I'm not exactly sure what that means. I don't like those stress days because they are mentally tiring...but they come because on non-stress days (which ARE the VAST majority) I am too tired/otherwise not feeling great to get enough done to prevent the stress days! After getting totally drenched by the truck yesterday I TOTALLY let out a bit of a primal scream. It was somewhat satisfying...
My one festival class is later this afternoon. Time to finish planning my Moonbeams Two class.
Monday, March 4, 2013
You know you look young when...
You are confused for an elementary school student when you go to a church to play your flute to accompany Song for the Mira for an elementary school choir during your city's music festival.
Actually, it was a great experience once again. I did it for this same choir three or four years ago, can't remember which. Pretty sure four years ago though. It's a beautiful piece with a nice flute part, although it does include some trills that are pretty much possible at that speed. I believe that they are written in because it can also be played on the oboe, which would have a much easier time with those particular trills. ANYWAYS...
Listening to decent children's choirs is relaxing. There really is something about a good children's choir that's special, although it is hard to explain. So that was a good thing for today. The adjudicator was none other than M, one of my choir conductors from last year! That was quite a perk as well. M is a wonderful director with WAY more energy than I have and a knack for both children and adults.
Okay, and I'm going to be completely honest and say that my flute ego was boosted quite a bit today by lots of compliments, from M and D (the choir conductor) and all of the folks helping out at the festival...even another choir conductor. M and D REALLY had the compliments for me though...along the lines of "most fabulous flute player in the world". Now, I KNOW that that isn't true, obviously (and how could one even really judge that) but it sure felt pretty good!
Actually, being confused for an elementary school student when you are a 22-year-old fifth-year university student...it's pretty funny. Before D had introduced me to the kids, as we were walking to the warm-up room, some of the kids were debating whether I was a kid or an adult. It was pretty hilarious to listen to. Oh, to have the carefree nature of being ten years old again. My biggest worries at age ten? Being allowed to stay home alone for more than a few minutes at a time, wondering if I would ever grow taller (whoops...), and practising piano. Even making the odd mistake on tests and what-not didn't faze me THAT much. Yes, I was more intense about my grades and worked quite hard, but I wasn't bothered by getting a mark wrong on the health test. For some reason I remember this particular test, and one of the marks that I got wrong...why, might you ask? Because I mislabelled a piece of female anatomy. I confused the 2 'V' portions of the anatomy. Oh well. I most certainly know them now!
Now, I'm working on a paper for my history of antisemitism class. It's on a rather disturbing children's book published in 1936, with approximately 100,000 copies distributed. To be honest, one of the most disturbing parts about the book is simply that it was written and illustrated by a young woman barely past childhood herself-18 year old Elvira Bauer. The link to this book is
http://www.calvin.edu/academic/cas/gpa/fuchs.htm
I also finished an assignment for orchestration today. Hopefully, I did things correctly. I think that I spent about the same amount of time on it, it just feels like I spent less simply because I did it over several days and not just one or two as I did the previous two assignments. It's also due on wednesday.
I should seriously have something on my computer that limits my time on non-beneficial websites to just a few minutes every few hours. I actually do need to have my internet on to work on the paper, that is the problem!
Actually, it was a great experience once again. I did it for this same choir three or four years ago, can't remember which. Pretty sure four years ago though. It's a beautiful piece with a nice flute part, although it does include some trills that are pretty much possible at that speed. I believe that they are written in because it can also be played on the oboe, which would have a much easier time with those particular trills. ANYWAYS...
Listening to decent children's choirs is relaxing. There really is something about a good children's choir that's special, although it is hard to explain. So that was a good thing for today. The adjudicator was none other than M, one of my choir conductors from last year! That was quite a perk as well. M is a wonderful director with WAY more energy than I have and a knack for both children and adults.
Okay, and I'm going to be completely honest and say that my flute ego was boosted quite a bit today by lots of compliments, from M and D (the choir conductor) and all of the folks helping out at the festival...even another choir conductor. M and D REALLY had the compliments for me though...along the lines of "most fabulous flute player in the world". Now, I KNOW that that isn't true, obviously (and how could one even really judge that) but it sure felt pretty good!
Actually, being confused for an elementary school student when you are a 22-year-old fifth-year university student...it's pretty funny. Before D had introduced me to the kids, as we were walking to the warm-up room, some of the kids were debating whether I was a kid or an adult. It was pretty hilarious to listen to. Oh, to have the carefree nature of being ten years old again. My biggest worries at age ten? Being allowed to stay home alone for more than a few minutes at a time, wondering if I would ever grow taller (whoops...), and practising piano. Even making the odd mistake on tests and what-not didn't faze me THAT much. Yes, I was more intense about my grades and worked quite hard, but I wasn't bothered by getting a mark wrong on the health test. For some reason I remember this particular test, and one of the marks that I got wrong...why, might you ask? Because I mislabelled a piece of female anatomy. I confused the 2 'V' portions of the anatomy. Oh well. I most certainly know them now!
Now, I'm working on a paper for my history of antisemitism class. It's on a rather disturbing children's book published in 1936, with approximately 100,000 copies distributed. To be honest, one of the most disturbing parts about the book is simply that it was written and illustrated by a young woman barely past childhood herself-18 year old Elvira Bauer. The link to this book is
http://www.calvin.edu/academic/cas/gpa/fuchs.htm
I also finished an assignment for orchestration today. Hopefully, I did things correctly. I think that I spent about the same amount of time on it, it just feels like I spent less simply because I did it over several days and not just one or two as I did the previous two assignments. It's also due on wednesday.
I should seriously have something on my computer that limits my time on non-beneficial websites to just a few minutes every few hours. I actually do need to have my internet on to work on the paper, that is the problem!
Sunday, March 3, 2013
C. Wilson - Celtic Partita
This piece is one of the flute pieces that I am ABSOLUTELY OBSESSED WITH! I listen to it almost everyday, hence why it is over 100 on my Itunes. Of course, my recording is of Laura Barron, but this guy is pretty good too :)
Enjoy.
Feeling like a broken record
Feeling like a broken record, really. If I have one day where there is a little bit more energy and I can get a little bit more done, then the next day, I feel worse. Praying that tuesday 's phone call to my doctor brings the news that I need to hear: "Something is up with your bloodwork, but we can fix it. Can you come in this week?"
I'm tired of feeling tired!!! Things just don't feel right, period. And because I'm such a Type A personality to begin with, not being able to accomplish things is HARD. Especially when there is no definitive reason (so far) as to why it is so. If I got a diagnosis of something serious, I'd actually be okay with it. But I'm sitting, and really have been sitting, in diagnosis limbo for going on a year and a half. Possibly even longer. If things do come back hypothyroid, I'm going to guess that I've had some degree of hypothyroidism for years, probably since my teenage years. It would explain why all the antidepressants that I was on (prozac, celexa, zoloft) didn't help me when they typically have a pretty good success rate. To go through three like that with no changes besides unpleasant physical side effects is decently uncommon.
Mostly, I just miss having energy. I was never a very high energy person, but until around the summer of 2011, I never experienced stuff like this. Even then, it wasn't that bad. Although I might be underestimating things simply because it was summer, and I wasn't working outside of my house or going to university classes. Things are a little bit different when one of your main jobs actually (kidding to no one) is to do a LOT of colouring (this is what happens when you are an MYC teacher!) I never felt like I needed a nap or to lie down unless I was sick or had been seriously sleep deprived (ex, less than 5 hours of sleep). Flash forward to sometime in the mid-fall of 2011. I realize that I'm getting more and more tired, so I cut back on my Seroquel gradually. This doesn't seem to help. Now, I WAS sleep depriving myself to try to get things done. I'm not sure which came first...being tired or sleep deprivation. Unfortunately, even with more sleep, the problems continued, leading to my 'crash' of physical symptoms on December 7th 2011 and the start of this journey.
I'm just tired. If I could kick ONE of the symptoms I have out the window, I would kick the tiredness. Period. I could deal with constipation, NO appetite, dry skin, cold hands and feet, feeling cold most of the time unless I'm wearing extra layers/put on a blanket (even then it's iffy), low body temperature (I saw 97.8 degrees mid-afternoon today and was surprised to see it that high), even needing more sleep if only I could have energy when awake.
Okay, so I could have spent the 10 minutes I spent writing this post working on the paper that is due on wednesday. But sometimes, I have to cry a bit out to someone/something/anything. It helps a little bit...
I'm tired of feeling tired!!! Things just don't feel right, period. And because I'm such a Type A personality to begin with, not being able to accomplish things is HARD. Especially when there is no definitive reason (so far) as to why it is so. If I got a diagnosis of something serious, I'd actually be okay with it. But I'm sitting, and really have been sitting, in diagnosis limbo for going on a year and a half. Possibly even longer. If things do come back hypothyroid, I'm going to guess that I've had some degree of hypothyroidism for years, probably since my teenage years. It would explain why all the antidepressants that I was on (prozac, celexa, zoloft) didn't help me when they typically have a pretty good success rate. To go through three like that with no changes besides unpleasant physical side effects is decently uncommon.
Mostly, I just miss having energy. I was never a very high energy person, but until around the summer of 2011, I never experienced stuff like this. Even then, it wasn't that bad. Although I might be underestimating things simply because it was summer, and I wasn't working outside of my house or going to university classes. Things are a little bit different when one of your main jobs actually (kidding to no one) is to do a LOT of colouring (this is what happens when you are an MYC teacher!) I never felt like I needed a nap or to lie down unless I was sick or had been seriously sleep deprived (ex, less than 5 hours of sleep). Flash forward to sometime in the mid-fall of 2011. I realize that I'm getting more and more tired, so I cut back on my Seroquel gradually. This doesn't seem to help. Now, I WAS sleep depriving myself to try to get things done. I'm not sure which came first...being tired or sleep deprivation. Unfortunately, even with more sleep, the problems continued, leading to my 'crash' of physical symptoms on December 7th 2011 and the start of this journey.
I'm just tired. If I could kick ONE of the symptoms I have out the window, I would kick the tiredness. Period. I could deal with constipation, NO appetite, dry skin, cold hands and feet, feeling cold most of the time unless I'm wearing extra layers/put on a blanket (even then it's iffy), low body temperature (I saw 97.8 degrees mid-afternoon today and was surprised to see it that high), even needing more sleep if only I could have energy when awake.
Okay, so I could have spent the 10 minutes I spent writing this post working on the paper that is due on wednesday. But sometimes, I have to cry a bit out to someone/something/anything. It helps a little bit...
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Today, tomorrow, whenever
Today was not the greatest of days. Very tired/sick feeling all day, still now. I really struggled to eat dinner, had to eat it slowly over the course of almost an hour, and it had to be very gentle foods...actually, it was pretty much what I normally have for breakfast, which is a banana, oats, ground flax seed, and almond milk mixed together. Although I seasoned it with cinnamon tonight instead of molasses.
I was so cold for much of today as well. I checked, and at one point in mid-afternoon, my body temperature was only 97.0 degrees. Not cool body, not cool. Whatever you're doing, would you please either STOP or PLEASE show up on my bloodwork? This can't continue. Really. It can't. I've already mentioned to my flute teacher L the possibility that I may have to graduate in October instead of May if I can't get things sorted out, because keeping up with my three classes-psychology, orchestration, and my History of Antisemitism and the Holocaust class-is hard enough. I've done just a TINY snippet on my major area paper, and while I could graduate (probably-I haven't checked the credits to see) with just a basic bachelor's of music, I want to graduate with the Bachelor of Music (History) degree. It means a lot to me, and I'm willing to delay my graduation (again) to do so if necessary. As B and L keep reminding me, my health does have to be the top priority...much as I would like other things to be higher!
Sigh. Energy, energy, where art thou?
I was so cold for much of today as well. I checked, and at one point in mid-afternoon, my body temperature was only 97.0 degrees. Not cool body, not cool. Whatever you're doing, would you please either STOP or PLEASE show up on my bloodwork? This can't continue. Really. It can't. I've already mentioned to my flute teacher L the possibility that I may have to graduate in October instead of May if I can't get things sorted out, because keeping up with my three classes-psychology, orchestration, and my History of Antisemitism and the Holocaust class-is hard enough. I've done just a TINY snippet on my major area paper, and while I could graduate (probably-I haven't checked the credits to see) with just a basic bachelor's of music, I want to graduate with the Bachelor of Music (History) degree. It means a lot to me, and I'm willing to delay my graduation (again) to do so if necessary. As B and L keep reminding me, my health does have to be the top priority...much as I would like other things to be higher!
Sigh. Energy, energy, where art thou?
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Tomorrow...
Tomorrow will be 2 months since my genetics test. It would certainly be special if I got the results tomorrow, although I have a feeling that that won't happen! My guess is that the longer it takes, the more likely it is that I do indeed have Mosaic Turner's Syndrome. That might sound counter-intuitive, but to me it makes sense in this regard. Unlike some disorders where you either have or you don't have it (ex, having a specific gene for sickle cell anemia for instance), my X chromosomes could be varying degrees of 'not-there'. That takes time to figure out just what karotype they are. If they are completely there, then it would make sense for them to see that quickly. We shall see.
Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.
Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.
Breaking Moment
Every now and then I have a breaking moment. Today's came just a little while ago on the phone with my ICM after discussing what my doctor had tested for this morning.
I'd say that the doctor's visit was semi-productive. My blood is being tested for TSH, T3, T4 and hemoglobin. BUT...some of my symptoms tried to get pushed off as "poor eating" due to ED-NOS.
Really? I've only been doing groups and meeting with the dietician for over two years to FIGHT ED-NOS! Fortunately, I have my dietician's word that really, I'm eating quite well (what I can eat) at this point, so no, my problems are NOT being caused by a lack of fiber.
I'm just, well, to repeat the old phrase, "Sick and tired of feeling sick and tired".
It's not normal to have no appetite
It's not normal for a 22-year-old to need 10-12 hours of sleep, and still crash in the afternoon.
It's not normal to have breathing issues (especially ones that can't be explained by either my heart OR a pulmonary function test)
It's not normal to be so cold so often (yesterday, I kept my coat on through my entire orchestration class. We're talking a big down filled coat here)
Things just don't feel right. And as I made sure to point out to my doctor...I've been pretty good at knowing when things are wrong...
After all the stress leading up to this...I'm just having my little 'breakdown' now. If only my dad wasn't home things would be a bit easier. But I think I'm just going to crawl into bed for a little while and focus on some other things while giving my body a break at the same time.
I'd say that the doctor's visit was semi-productive. My blood is being tested for TSH, T3, T4 and hemoglobin. BUT...some of my symptoms tried to get pushed off as "poor eating" due to ED-NOS.
Really? I've only been doing groups and meeting with the dietician for over two years to FIGHT ED-NOS! Fortunately, I have my dietician's word that really, I'm eating quite well (what I can eat) at this point, so no, my problems are NOT being caused by a lack of fiber.
I'm just, well, to repeat the old phrase, "Sick and tired of feeling sick and tired".
It's not normal to have no appetite
It's not normal for a 22-year-old to need 10-12 hours of sleep, and still crash in the afternoon.
It's not normal to have breathing issues (especially ones that can't be explained by either my heart OR a pulmonary function test)
It's not normal to be so cold so often (yesterday, I kept my coat on through my entire orchestration class. We're talking a big down filled coat here)
Things just don't feel right. And as I made sure to point out to my doctor...I've been pretty good at knowing when things are wrong...
After all the stress leading up to this...I'm just having my little 'breakdown' now. If only my dad wasn't home things would be a bit easier. But I think I'm just going to crawl into bed for a little while and focus on some other things while giving my body a break at the same time.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Post-reading week depression/slump
Ah yes, the sunday evening before you go back to classes after reading week. In less than 12 hours I will be sitting in my orchestration class. And I'm feeling sad/disappointed that reading week is over and that I didn't get done half of what I wanted to get done, frustrated perhaps. Yes, frustrated. Frustrated with myself and with my exhaustion.
If I don't get into see my doctor on tuesday, I'm going to phone my ICM and ask if she can set me up with a doctor in one of the clinics attached to our regional health program-one of the perks of being a client I guess.
So yes, I'm feeling those mixed feelings about going back to the university tomorrow.
However...the countdown is now on I guess. I have only 14 more classes at 8:30 in the morning, and only 7 more classes at 7-10pm at night for this degree. Which is pretty crazy!
If I don't get into see my doctor on tuesday, I'm going to phone my ICM and ask if she can set me up with a doctor in one of the clinics attached to our regional health program-one of the perks of being a client I guess.
So yes, I'm feeling those mixed feelings about going back to the university tomorrow.
However...the countdown is now on I guess. I have only 14 more classes at 8:30 in the morning, and only 7 more classes at 7-10pm at night for this degree. Which is pretty crazy!
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Amusing shopping
When I came home last night from shopping, I laughed slightly because my purchases together were kind of amusing, and at the same time, quite descriptive of me:
-2 kinds of green tea
-Chocolate chips
-Shampoo and conditioner for long hair (self-explanatory...)
-Sparkly star stickers
-New orange notebook for psychology
-Two candles-one cinnamon scented, the other vanilla. Yum.
-Bananas
-New candle lighter (my old one is almost out)
-Vitamin D 1000 IU pills
Like I said, an amusing and somewhat eclectic, but totally 'me' shopping trip. Candles, green tea, chocolate, sparkly star stickers, bananas, vitamin D.
Today so far has been pretty good. I'm a little bit tired-ish but not crushing tired. And my students were great. Even my Sunbeams did pretty well with their bridges today. It's coming...it's coming.
And I'm listening to Berlioz's Requiem with my new green tea and new cinnamon candle burning. I think I might even bake some cookies...
Not to mention doing some schoolwork. I finished my psychology lectures for this coming exam yesterday, which is good. I think I have 3 chapters to get through as well though, not to mention orchestration to work on, history of antisemitism to work on, and my major area paper. And practising. I got a bit done today so far, which is AWESOME. Any day that I am able to play my flute is automatically much better!
BUT I must remember that good days like this are still not awesome in comparison to how I likely could be feeling. I'm still cold, still tired after nine hours of sleep, and still with other problems that just manifested themselves again. I WILL PHONE AND TRY TO SEE MY DOCTOR ON TUESDAY. No ifs, ands or buts about it.
-2 kinds of green tea
-Chocolate chips
-Shampoo and conditioner for long hair (self-explanatory...)
-Sparkly star stickers
-New orange notebook for psychology
-Two candles-one cinnamon scented, the other vanilla. Yum.
-Bananas
-New candle lighter (my old one is almost out)
-Vitamin D 1000 IU pills
Like I said, an amusing and somewhat eclectic, but totally 'me' shopping trip. Candles, green tea, chocolate, sparkly star stickers, bananas, vitamin D.
Today so far has been pretty good. I'm a little bit tired-ish but not crushing tired. And my students were great. Even my Sunbeams did pretty well with their bridges today. It's coming...it's coming.
And I'm listening to Berlioz's Requiem with my new green tea and new cinnamon candle burning. I think I might even bake some cookies...
Not to mention doing some schoolwork. I finished my psychology lectures for this coming exam yesterday, which is good. I think I have 3 chapters to get through as well though, not to mention orchestration to work on, history of antisemitism to work on, and my major area paper. And practising. I got a bit done today so far, which is AWESOME. Any day that I am able to play my flute is automatically much better!
BUT I must remember that good days like this are still not awesome in comparison to how I likely could be feeling. I'm still cold, still tired after nine hours of sleep, and still with other problems that just manifested themselves again. I WILL PHONE AND TRY TO SEE MY DOCTOR ON TUESDAY. No ifs, ands or buts about it.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Sharing and not hiding
I've shared how over the past three and a half years my friend B has become one of my closest friends. Tonight, I took a huge step, and talked to B about one of my two biggest, largest, hardest 'secrets'. The fact that I was hospitalized for my severe depression/anxiety and that I had attempted suicide (however feeble) in front of my dad. The last people that I told about that were N and D...who are some of my eating disorder friends, although N does play piano and used to be at the faculty with me (though I didn't get to know her that well until after she went back in the hospital, strange how that works). Actually...I'm not even sure that N and D know as much as B does now. D probably doesn't, and I'm not sure I even went into as much detail about things being right in front of my dad with N. I'm not sure exactly how we even got onto the topic...but I felt that urge that I've felt for many months now, probably since May or June that I could, and really should, let B know about things.
Ah yes...B was telling me about how inspirational I was to her, I was doing our usual "Right back at you" because seriously, my friend B is amazing. She mentioned that she could hardly talk about me to her boyfriend J without raving...
And I mentioned that really, some days I feel like breaking. She reminded me that if that ever happened, that my dad, my sister, she, and many others would be there to "hold [my] pieces until I found the strength to gather myself" (How can anyone not love someone who says this stuff?!)
And then I felt led to write:
"I've never told anyone at the university what really happened to me at the end of grade 12"
"I think it's time".
When B responded "When the time feels right, it's the right time", I knew it was right.
And over the course of almost an hour, I let my friend into the past...the past that sometimes isn't so easy to forget.
My friends K and M have learned a bit about me. Surprisingly, K knows about my eating disorder struggles. I've been relatively open with my university crew and my flute teacher that I've been seeing a dietician, although I haven't revealed WHY exactly. I debate for months or even years about letting someone into my life more fully. When I'm opening up, it's always been through Facebook chat-with K, M and B. Actually with N as well (D I met in group, so that was different). Face to face is harder, although probably better in the long run. But getting things out, sharing at all...
For me, that's pretty incredible.
Maybe there is strength in sharing. Sharing, and not hiding.
My MYC coordinator today mentioned just how surprised she had been when S (my piano teacher, and a fellow MYC teacher) let her know that my mom had died. When I had done the training, I had just seemed like a normal young woman interested in becoming an MYC teacher. We got onto this topic because I mentioned that "We don't always know the story behind what's going on", and I related that my wind ensemble director found out ONE day before...this despite seeing me several times a week for nearly three years prior, being in the small faculty etc etc. And that's someone that saw me OFTEN, talked to MANY people who knew EXACTLY what was going on, saw me crying and hardly able to breath right before wind ensemble a few weeks previous. So naturally, I know that I can no longer assume ANYTHING.
I feel worn out now though. Not to mention that training is a long day. Time for bed. I'm crying a bit, but it's a combination of relief, sadness, weakness, friendship/love, grief at missing my mom, confusion over life (I would love to still have my mom in my life, but then my dad wouldn't be enjoying life with K-his girlfriend-now...talk about a confusing paradox) and a bazillion more emotions.
More training tomorrow. And THIS time, I will get off at the right bus stop! But that is a story for another day...
Ah yes...B was telling me about how inspirational I was to her, I was doing our usual "Right back at you" because seriously, my friend B is amazing. She mentioned that she could hardly talk about me to her boyfriend J without raving...
And I mentioned that really, some days I feel like breaking. She reminded me that if that ever happened, that my dad, my sister, she, and many others would be there to "hold [my] pieces until I found the strength to gather myself" (How can anyone not love someone who says this stuff?!)
And then I felt led to write:
"I've never told anyone at the university what really happened to me at the end of grade 12"
"I think it's time".
When B responded "When the time feels right, it's the right time", I knew it was right.
And over the course of almost an hour, I let my friend into the past...the past that sometimes isn't so easy to forget.
My friends K and M have learned a bit about me. Surprisingly, K knows about my eating disorder struggles. I've been relatively open with my university crew and my flute teacher that I've been seeing a dietician, although I haven't revealed WHY exactly. I debate for months or even years about letting someone into my life more fully. When I'm opening up, it's always been through Facebook chat-with K, M and B. Actually with N as well (D I met in group, so that was different). Face to face is harder, although probably better in the long run. But getting things out, sharing at all...
For me, that's pretty incredible.
Maybe there is strength in sharing. Sharing, and not hiding.
My MYC coordinator today mentioned just how surprised she had been when S (my piano teacher, and a fellow MYC teacher) let her know that my mom had died. When I had done the training, I had just seemed like a normal young woman interested in becoming an MYC teacher. We got onto this topic because I mentioned that "We don't always know the story behind what's going on", and I related that my wind ensemble director found out ONE day before...this despite seeing me several times a week for nearly three years prior, being in the small faculty etc etc. And that's someone that saw me OFTEN, talked to MANY people who knew EXACTLY what was going on, saw me crying and hardly able to breath right before wind ensemble a few weeks previous. So naturally, I know that I can no longer assume ANYTHING.
I feel worn out now though. Not to mention that training is a long day. Time for bed. I'm crying a bit, but it's a combination of relief, sadness, weakness, friendship/love, grief at missing my mom, confusion over life (I would love to still have my mom in my life, but then my dad wouldn't be enjoying life with K-his girlfriend-now...talk about a confusing paradox) and a bazillion more emotions.
More training tomorrow. And THIS time, I will get off at the right bus stop! But that is a story for another day...
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Rough day...really rough
I probably brought SOME of the rough day on myself, because I stayed up until after 1am last night getting discouraged reading about hypothyroidism online. I never learn, do I, about reading about my medical conditions/possible medical conditions online late at night!
Anyways...that meant I woke up at 11:30. Whoops. Big whoops. Really big whoops.
I've felt pretty miserable all day, and developed a headache, probably somewhat due to dehydration/lack of green tea that really knocked me out of commission. Around 5pm I crawled into my bed, downed some tylenol and shivered under my blankets with my eyes closed listening to MASH (watching hurt my right eye in particular, and I couldn't have my glasses on while lying down because it hurt my head). Now, note that my house was NOT freezing cold, and that I was in a warm sweater and jeans, and have four blankets on my bed including a thick wool blanket. My hands and feet were FREEZING despite all the blankets. I took my temperature, and I was at only 97.7...
Clear signs of hypothyroidism. Which is why I am phoning for an appointment on thursday. I can't let 'good days' on tuesday and wednesday where I wasn't freezing cold all the time, could sit up and work, and didn't have to lie down for a long time let me forget about the bad days.
My friend B has hypothyroidism caused by her radiation and chemotherapy for lymphoma, and my friend K is being tested for hypothyroidism. Both are encouraging to me...
Days like this, like right now, where I can't really turn on the lights because it's too painful and where I'm freezing really do get to me...
Anyways...that meant I woke up at 11:30. Whoops. Big whoops. Really big whoops.
I've felt pretty miserable all day, and developed a headache, probably somewhat due to dehydration/lack of green tea that really knocked me out of commission. Around 5pm I crawled into my bed, downed some tylenol and shivered under my blankets with my eyes closed listening to MASH (watching hurt my right eye in particular, and I couldn't have my glasses on while lying down because it hurt my head). Now, note that my house was NOT freezing cold, and that I was in a warm sweater and jeans, and have four blankets on my bed including a thick wool blanket. My hands and feet were FREEZING despite all the blankets. I took my temperature, and I was at only 97.7...
Clear signs of hypothyroidism. Which is why I am phoning for an appointment on thursday. I can't let 'good days' on tuesday and wednesday where I wasn't freezing cold all the time, could sit up and work, and didn't have to lie down for a long time let me forget about the bad days.
My friend B has hypothyroidism caused by her radiation and chemotherapy for lymphoma, and my friend K is being tested for hypothyroidism. Both are encouraging to me...
Days like this, like right now, where I can't really turn on the lights because it's too painful and where I'm freezing really do get to me...
Someone should shake me (seriously) every now and again...
Every time I start worrying about a mark, someone really ought to give me a sound shaking!! I was SO concerned that I was going to have gotten a not-so-great mark on my psychology exam. And what did I get? Another 90% (A+). I was also concerned that I would have gotten a C on my orchestration exam...high B+. Now, I would obviously have preferred an A, and if I'd had a few minutes more I might have gotten an A, because I forgot a few little markings on the largest part that meant I lost a few marks, such as forgetting to specify which type of clarinet I wanted to play, and in one of my transpositions, I forgot to put in the key signature! That alone cost me three marks, which would have moved my 87% to a 90%. Sheer lack of time I think. BUT, the good news is that I got the harmonics correct, which is one section that I puzzled over quite a bit-having the viola strings listed by number instead of letter threw me off a bit, and I had to figure out which was which because I had forgotten that you count down instead of up...the lowest string is 4, then 3 etc. Completely opposite to the song I sing with my students "One two three four five the lines, one two three four spaces...Treble Clef and Bass Clef too, count UP from the BOTTOM".
Anyways...that one night of getting 5 1/2 hours of sleep REALLY threw me off. After I did that exam I pretty much crashed a bit, although I did get down to the hospital to meet with my ICM, and then was actually able to attend bible study for once because I wasn't teaching in the evening on thursday (long story, but I taught ALL my students today. Long day). I was supposed to babysit for a friend at 6am but thankfully (or not...) she was sick herself and needed to stay home. I feel bad that she was ill, but at the same time, me sleeping for 2 1/2 hours was definitely a good thing. And then I was able to go down to the university and mark the skills tests instead, which was also good because one of my fellow markers N was still sick/something. When I finished marking the tests, I REALLY crashed. Pretty much quite literally, on one of the run-down-springs-strange-who-knows-how-old couches that we inherited that are falling apart but provide some degree of comfort at the faculty of music. I don't know how long I debated whether I was going to go home and eat or eat at the university...I was not hungry in the least, couldn't decide whether it would be bad to wait until after 2pm (when I would get home) to eat...you get the picture. The cycle is pretty annoying to say the least.
And now it is reading week. A certain surprise that has continued to be surprising has reminded me of the necessity of getting checked out by my doctor...hopefully I can get in this coming week or early the next week. It's now been almost two months of waiting for my genetics test results. I asked my bible study friends to pray with me for the patience in waiting for the results...and for the courage and strength to get into see my doctor!
Anyways...that one night of getting 5 1/2 hours of sleep REALLY threw me off. After I did that exam I pretty much crashed a bit, although I did get down to the hospital to meet with my ICM, and then was actually able to attend bible study for once because I wasn't teaching in the evening on thursday (long story, but I taught ALL my students today. Long day). I was supposed to babysit for a friend at 6am but thankfully (or not...) she was sick herself and needed to stay home. I feel bad that she was ill, but at the same time, me sleeping for 2 1/2 hours was definitely a good thing. And then I was able to go down to the university and mark the skills tests instead, which was also good because one of my fellow markers N was still sick/something. When I finished marking the tests, I REALLY crashed. Pretty much quite literally, on one of the run-down-springs-strange-who-knows-how-old couches that we inherited that are falling apart but provide some degree of comfort at the faculty of music. I don't know how long I debated whether I was going to go home and eat or eat at the university...I was not hungry in the least, couldn't decide whether it would be bad to wait until after 2pm (when I would get home) to eat...you get the picture. The cycle is pretty annoying to say the least.
And now it is reading week. A certain surprise that has continued to be surprising has reminded me of the necessity of getting checked out by my doctor...hopefully I can get in this coming week or early the next week. It's now been almost two months of waiting for my genetics test results. I asked my bible study friends to pray with me for the patience in waiting for the results...and for the courage and strength to get into see my doctor!
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Just having a little bit of a hard day I guess. I managed to block out a lot of thoughts by focusing REALLY hard on getting the last chapter of my psychology textbook read for my exam tomorrow. I wish that today was sunday, not tuesday though. I have a psychology exam tomorrow, and then my orchestration midterm on thursday. After that, it's reading week.
When I took a break, I had gone back on facebook, obviously I saw more posts related to Kylie's fight being over, and then I attempted to find a website where I could quickly introduce my dad to mosaic turner's syndrome. I should know better than to enter into either of those two topics when I need my brain to function well!
Which it did surprisingly well for much of today. I'm impressed that I had the energy to get through the psych textbook pages, although I think I entered into a little bit of a green tea high...which is rare, but I think it was because of the one specific green tea I had that somehow seems to be a bit more potent than others...Mango PassionFruit Acai Berry Green Tea by Tetley. I hadn't had it in a little while, and it seemed to have worked. I wish I could go to bed NOW but I need to put in about three hours studying. Must...Study...
I may end up having to miss my history class tomorrow night depending on how much studying I can get done. I really don't want to AT ALL, but orchestration has a LOT to know for the midterm. So I'd better eat (sigh) and get at it.
When I took a break, I had gone back on facebook, obviously I saw more posts related to Kylie's fight being over, and then I attempted to find a website where I could quickly introduce my dad to mosaic turner's syndrome. I should know better than to enter into either of those two topics when I need my brain to function well!
Which it did surprisingly well for much of today. I'm impressed that I had the energy to get through the psych textbook pages, although I think I entered into a little bit of a green tea high...which is rare, but I think it was because of the one specific green tea I had that somehow seems to be a bit more potent than others...Mango PassionFruit Acai Berry Green Tea by Tetley. I hadn't had it in a little while, and it seemed to have worked. I wish I could go to bed NOW but I need to put in about three hours studying. Must...Study...
I may end up having to miss my history class tomorrow night depending on how much studying I can get done. I really don't want to AT ALL, but orchestration has a LOT to know for the midterm. So I'd better eat (sigh) and get at it.
Kylie "Bug" Taylor
My heart is breaking this morning to find out that Kylie "Bug" Taylor earned her wings last night. It really came as a big surprise. Although very sick for many months, and in the cardiovascular intensive care unit at Primary Children's Medical Center for some seven+ months, she had been SO strong. Only true fighters manage to make forts with boxes, bake things in the Easy Bake Oven that they got for Christmas and play 'Guinea Pig Haircuts' while on 17litres High Flow Oxygen! Kylie was in the minority who die while waiting for transplants as children, but there should be NO minority. There ARE enough organs, but in FAR too many cases ignorance prevents the transplant from happening. In Kylie's case there was also a medical error that sent her PRA's WAY high, and thus really prevented her from having the transplant.
Kylie was a very special little girl. I honestly think that this is the most upset I have been when someone I have followed on the internet has passed away...perhaps that's because there was always still HOPE, whereas with many cancer patients, there was NO hope left...
Fly high Kylie. No more PICC lines to drive you crazy, no more freezing, no more swelling in your tummy. In Christ, you are completely healed-no more heart failure from your HLHS.
Kylie was a very special little girl. I honestly think that this is the most upset I have been when someone I have followed on the internet has passed away...perhaps that's because there was always still HOPE, whereas with many cancer patients, there was NO hope left...
Fly high Kylie. No more PICC lines to drive you crazy, no more freezing, no more swelling in your tummy. In Christ, you are completely healed-no more heart failure from your HLHS.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Dietician appointment
Had an insightful (I guess-that may not be exactly the word I am looking for) appointment with my dietician this morning. Fortunately, it was in the morning before the fatigue really hits badly. Mornings have generally always been my best time, guess it still stands.
My dietician mentioned that it may be worthwhile talking to my doctor about domperidone for a short-term, low-dosage course (1-2 months) to see if it helps my digestive system kick back into gear properly and work at the right speed so that I can actually feel hunger (besides just having my brain shut down) and not feel like eating is such a chore. I think it's worth looking into even though I'm generally cautious about any medication. Right now, I'm cold, tired, have a mild headache, and am concerned about my two midterms later this week. I think the past two or three nights I've been dreaming about getting the genetic test results, or results from other tests, but I'm not completely sure if it was all the nights. The really weird one was early sunday morning when the doctor giving me the results was Dr. Travis Stork (one of the hosts of the TV show 'The Doctors') and somehow my mom was involved. Anytime I dream about my mom it seems to involve her being there when I get test results or other things like that. Which just upsets things further. I guess it's my brain trying to process what it would be like if I had her in my life right now and DID get the test results back-how I would approach the situation. Although we loved each other dearly, I was never truly able to talk to her about things of any deep real importance to me. Sometimes, it's a little bit hard to see how other mothers and daughters have relationships like that, sometimes I just file it away and think that if I have a daughter, I will work so that that relationship can be a possibility someday. Such examples as my friend/fellow teacher S, who is in her fifties (about my mom's age I guess) whose daughter is only 28 weeks along with twins and will likely be delivering them early-within the next anytime-3 weeks. Well, naturally S is both very concerned for her daughter and future grandchildren and also TICKED off with the doctor-not even her daughter's doctor!-who told her this in such a way that her daughter was absolutely devastated, upset and whatnot (a situation that is NOT going to help her chances of giving the babies every single day that she can). S can definitely show her mama-bear claws when she wants to! She is DEFINITELY one of those women whose children will ALWAYS be her babies.
But I digress. I sure hope that her daughter can carry at least until 30 weeks, when the risk of complications are much lower.
My dietician mentioned that it may be worthwhile talking to my doctor about domperidone for a short-term, low-dosage course (1-2 months) to see if it helps my digestive system kick back into gear properly and work at the right speed so that I can actually feel hunger (besides just having my brain shut down) and not feel like eating is such a chore. I think it's worth looking into even though I'm generally cautious about any medication. Right now, I'm cold, tired, have a mild headache, and am concerned about my two midterms later this week. I think the past two or three nights I've been dreaming about getting the genetic test results, or results from other tests, but I'm not completely sure if it was all the nights. The really weird one was early sunday morning when the doctor giving me the results was Dr. Travis Stork (one of the hosts of the TV show 'The Doctors') and somehow my mom was involved. Anytime I dream about my mom it seems to involve her being there when I get test results or other things like that. Which just upsets things further. I guess it's my brain trying to process what it would be like if I had her in my life right now and DID get the test results back-how I would approach the situation. Although we loved each other dearly, I was never truly able to talk to her about things of any deep real importance to me. Sometimes, it's a little bit hard to see how other mothers and daughters have relationships like that, sometimes I just file it away and think that if I have a daughter, I will work so that that relationship can be a possibility someday. Such examples as my friend/fellow teacher S, who is in her fifties (about my mom's age I guess) whose daughter is only 28 weeks along with twins and will likely be delivering them early-within the next anytime-3 weeks. Well, naturally S is both very concerned for her daughter and future grandchildren and also TICKED off with the doctor-not even her daughter's doctor!-who told her this in such a way that her daughter was absolutely devastated, upset and whatnot (a situation that is NOT going to help her chances of giving the babies every single day that she can). S can definitely show her mama-bear claws when she wants to! She is DEFINITELY one of those women whose children will ALWAYS be her babies.
But I digress. I sure hope that her daughter can carry at least until 30 weeks, when the risk of complications are much lower.
Friday, February 8, 2013
You know you are tired when...
You almost take a drink of wax by picking up an unlight candle in a glass candle holder instead of your mug of tea. Wow. I guess waking up at 5am to babysit kind of drains a girl who has some other stuff going on as well! I wish that I had more energy to study for my two exams or practice, or work on an paper for my history courses, BUT I think I had better take a shower and just go to bed. Somehow, when I start picking up candles instead of tea and when I reached for my toothbrush instead of soap to wash my hands, I think my brain is dead and needs some sleep!
'Millenials' most stressed generation
Every now and then (not sure why I do this) I end up posting on the MSNBC news site in response to a news story (usually in the Health section). Ah, internet fights. When my responding to someone's post that 'everyone who is a millenial (18-34 years of age) is just stressed over things like power outages and phone chargers' somehow transforms into someone who obviously didn't read my post calling 'b.s' that I could possibly have taken care of my parent (s), why did I have a child in college, and that at age 34 it was time for me to leave school and get a job. The amount of errors in that post were laughable!
Here's just a brief summary of the errors...
I am 22
I do not have children, nor is it in the least bit possible for me to have children, given that I am a virgin...
I have two jobs, if not three.
I MOST DEFINITELY took care of my mom as she suffered and DIED from cancer.
I do take care of my dad/will be taking care of my dad.
My parents were slightly older when I was born (34 and over 40) so really, it's quite possible to be caring for them even in my twenties. My dad is now less than a year from turning 65, has high blood pressure, high cholesterol, sleep apnea, has had a silent heart attack, insomnia, and depression-not to mention being quite overweight. Some of his medications make him sleep walk/sleep eat, and he has been known to crash into things etc etc.
I actually ended by saying that I did feel we were in a high-paced society with a bit of a technology overload, giving the example of my friend who does not have a smartphone (neither do I) and was reprimanded for not answering an email immediately. He happened to be in class at the time, and had a habit of checking his email once or twice a day and responding at that time...but they got mad because he didn't drop everything and respond immediately!
My main point was that we aren't stressed because of 'power outages and phone chargers dying on us', we are stressed because of real life, like any other generation. If we look at the younger end of the spectrum, the 18-25ish crowd, we are also looking at brains that are not even fully developed. Perhaps this is part of why we are more stressed than the older generations, not to mention that everyday, there are news reports that minerals are going to be gone by the time I'm 35, that we are facing conundrums in terms of energy (we have the ability to be completely sustainable, but governments do not subsidize solar and wind power...they subsidize fossil fuels, which will be gone within 2-3 decades), that this country has this sort of nuclear weapon, that there will be no retirement benefits, that there is a possibility of a food shortage yet the solutions that have been created come with their own set of problems (ex, celiac disease is on the rise because wheat has TONS more gluten in it than 100 years ago due to genetic modification to increase yield etc etc)...
The internet is both a wonderful and a terrible thing. Seems a little bit like the way television was during the Vietnam War (the first war that was really televised to a mass population).
Yet I still have hope. Maybe going through a lot more than many young people my age has given me wisdom and insight...sometimes I get frustrated with 'young people antics'. Despite this, I have friends-close friends-who are around my age that have done some pretty amazing things...
My friend J, a survivor (an amazing story) of the Rwandan genecide, who has started an organization to provide education and health resources to Rwanda. Did I mention that he's also a nurse? He could have chosen to become bitter and what-not from his experiences, but he has taken something that NO ONE should have to go through EVER (because it's completely not natural at ALL-basically, he was a little boy, and the soliders/rebels/something gave him a choice of his life or his sister's life...he said 'kill me'...it didn't happen and for years he thought his sister had been killed (miraculously she survived)) and has looked at two things...education and healthcare...that everyone should have access to equally.
My friend S, who has created a foundation for Sustainable Development, and is reaching out to leaders around the world. Did I mention that he's only 20?! He's also a pretty fabulous clarinet player...this is also where I found out that silver and gold are likely going to disappear by 2030...which hit me in a weird way because I am a flute player, and my instrument is made of silver...and a small bit of gold (and a tiny percentage of nickel, because you can't have absolutely pure silver or gold).
Life can be like wine. You can either be bitter or get better with age. Now, I've never tasted wine, but I understand the principle. So...which do you want to be doing...getting better or bitter as you go through life?
I want to be getting better.
Here's just a brief summary of the errors...
I am 22
I do not have children, nor is it in the least bit possible for me to have children, given that I am a virgin...
I have two jobs, if not three.
I MOST DEFINITELY took care of my mom as she suffered and DIED from cancer.
I do take care of my dad/will be taking care of my dad.
My parents were slightly older when I was born (34 and over 40) so really, it's quite possible to be caring for them even in my twenties. My dad is now less than a year from turning 65, has high blood pressure, high cholesterol, sleep apnea, has had a silent heart attack, insomnia, and depression-not to mention being quite overweight. Some of his medications make him sleep walk/sleep eat, and he has been known to crash into things etc etc.
I actually ended by saying that I did feel we were in a high-paced society with a bit of a technology overload, giving the example of my friend who does not have a smartphone (neither do I) and was reprimanded for not answering an email immediately. He happened to be in class at the time, and had a habit of checking his email once or twice a day and responding at that time...but they got mad because he didn't drop everything and respond immediately!
My main point was that we aren't stressed because of 'power outages and phone chargers dying on us', we are stressed because of real life, like any other generation. If we look at the younger end of the spectrum, the 18-25ish crowd, we are also looking at brains that are not even fully developed. Perhaps this is part of why we are more stressed than the older generations, not to mention that everyday, there are news reports that minerals are going to be gone by the time I'm 35, that we are facing conundrums in terms of energy (we have the ability to be completely sustainable, but governments do not subsidize solar and wind power...they subsidize fossil fuels, which will be gone within 2-3 decades), that this country has this sort of nuclear weapon, that there will be no retirement benefits, that there is a possibility of a food shortage yet the solutions that have been created come with their own set of problems (ex, celiac disease is on the rise because wheat has TONS more gluten in it than 100 years ago due to genetic modification to increase yield etc etc)...
The internet is both a wonderful and a terrible thing. Seems a little bit like the way television was during the Vietnam War (the first war that was really televised to a mass population).
Yet I still have hope. Maybe going through a lot more than many young people my age has given me wisdom and insight...sometimes I get frustrated with 'young people antics'. Despite this, I have friends-close friends-who are around my age that have done some pretty amazing things...
My friend J, a survivor (an amazing story) of the Rwandan genecide, who has started an organization to provide education and health resources to Rwanda. Did I mention that he's also a nurse? He could have chosen to become bitter and what-not from his experiences, but he has taken something that NO ONE should have to go through EVER (because it's completely not natural at ALL-basically, he was a little boy, and the soliders/rebels/something gave him a choice of his life or his sister's life...he said 'kill me'...it didn't happen and for years he thought his sister had been killed (miraculously she survived)) and has looked at two things...education and healthcare...that everyone should have access to equally.
My friend S, who has created a foundation for Sustainable Development, and is reaching out to leaders around the world. Did I mention that he's only 20?! He's also a pretty fabulous clarinet player...this is also where I found out that silver and gold are likely going to disappear by 2030...which hit me in a weird way because I am a flute player, and my instrument is made of silver...and a small bit of gold (and a tiny percentage of nickel, because you can't have absolutely pure silver or gold).
Life can be like wine. You can either be bitter or get better with age. Now, I've never tasted wine, but I understand the principle. So...which do you want to be doing...getting better or bitter as you go through life?
I want to be getting better.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Itunes playlist (and other ramblings)
I listen to my ipod just about everyday, whether on the bus, or on my stereo. I also try to listen to my "Current Music Studies" playlist everyday, which is why the 'Top 25' reflects that habit...
It's a slightly eclectic mix...
1) Celtic Partita-110 plays.
2) Bach: Well-Tempered Clavier- Prelude #5 in D (my current Bach Prelude)-108 plays.
3) Bach: Well-Tempered Clavier-Fugue #5 in D (My current Bach fugue)-107 plays.
4) Sonata no 9 in E major, Op 14 mvt 3-Beethoven-93 plays (also on my current studies)
5) "Suicide is Painless" (the movie theme song from the movie M*A*S*H)-85 plays.
6) Noctune no 5 in F sharp major, Chopin-83 plays (part of my current studies).
7) Sonata no 9 in E major, Op 14 mvt 1-Beethoven-83 plays (Current studies)
8) Sonata no 9 in E major, Op 14 mvt 2-Beethoven-81 plays (Current studies)
9) MYC Theme Song-81 plays.
10) Prelude in C sharp minor by Heller (a Romantic era composer)-74 plays (Current studies)
11) Melodie, Rachmaninoff-74 plays (Current studies)
12) Pas de deux-Samuel Barber-73 plays (Current studies)
13) Sonata in E minor for flute and keyboard mvt 4-Bach; 73 plays (Current Studies)
14) Nocturne et Allegro Scherzando-Phillippe Gaubert-73 plays ('Current' studies)
15)Serenade op 53, no 5-Haberbier-71 plays (Current studies)
16) Sonata in E minor for flute and keyboard mvt 2-Bach; 70 plays (Current Studies)
17) Tango Etude-Piazzolla-69 plays (Current studies)
18) MYC Rocks-69 plays
19) Allegro mvt 1 from Mozart clarinet quartet (I LOVE THIS PIECE!!!)-66 plays.
20) Sonata in E minor for flute and keyboard mvt 1-Bach; 66 plays (Current Studies)
21) John Philip Sousa: The Stars and Stripes Forever (Mostly because it is so energizing)-66 plays
22) Overture to Candide-Bernstein (Played it last year in Wind Ensemble)-64 plays.
23) Sonata in E minor for flute and keyboard mvt 3-Bach; 64 plays (current studies)
24) Cantabile et Presto-Georges Enesco; 64 plays (current studies)
25) Come to Jesus; 63 plays (a recording by the mom of one of my friends, and a piece that I clung onto like crazy when my mom was sick).
Like I said, quite the eclectic mix, but reflective of several important areas of my life...my piano studies, my flute studies, my life as an MYC teacher, my faith...even my obsession with M*A*S*H (which is one reason that the Allegro of Mozart is in there (long story about that).
Well...enough procrastinating on just about everything! It's 1pm and I haven't even gotten out of my pajamas yet! But...I did sleep in until 11am. Not exactly my plan! I meant to get up at 7:30. BUT...I didn't fall asleep until nearly 2am due to getting home at 11:30 last night. Oh well. More incentive to get my blood tested? Not sure. But I've had a random MYC teacher that I don't even know send me an email encouraging me to get my thyroid checked due to a random comment on the "January Blahs" message track because the way I described things sounded exactly like what she was feeling before she was diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. And having days like sunday for no apparent reason really isn't conducive to studying...
Such is life.
It's a slightly eclectic mix...
1) Celtic Partita-110 plays.
2) Bach: Well-Tempered Clavier- Prelude #5 in D (my current Bach Prelude)-108 plays.
3) Bach: Well-Tempered Clavier-Fugue #5 in D (My current Bach fugue)-107 plays.
4) Sonata no 9 in E major, Op 14 mvt 3-Beethoven-93 plays (also on my current studies)
5) "Suicide is Painless" (the movie theme song from the movie M*A*S*H)-85 plays.
6) Noctune no 5 in F sharp major, Chopin-83 plays (part of my current studies).
7) Sonata no 9 in E major, Op 14 mvt 1-Beethoven-83 plays (Current studies)
8) Sonata no 9 in E major, Op 14 mvt 2-Beethoven-81 plays (Current studies)
9) MYC Theme Song-81 plays.
10) Prelude in C sharp minor by Heller (a Romantic era composer)-74 plays (Current studies)
11) Melodie, Rachmaninoff-74 plays (Current studies)
12) Pas de deux-Samuel Barber-73 plays (Current studies)
13) Sonata in E minor for flute and keyboard mvt 4-Bach; 73 plays (Current Studies)
14) Nocturne et Allegro Scherzando-Phillippe Gaubert-73 plays ('Current' studies)
15)Serenade op 53, no 5-Haberbier-71 plays (Current studies)
16) Sonata in E minor for flute and keyboard mvt 2-Bach; 70 plays (Current Studies)
17) Tango Etude-Piazzolla-69 plays (Current studies)
18) MYC Rocks-69 plays
19) Allegro mvt 1 from Mozart clarinet quartet (I LOVE THIS PIECE!!!)-66 plays.
20) Sonata in E minor for flute and keyboard mvt 1-Bach; 66 plays (Current Studies)
21) John Philip Sousa: The Stars and Stripes Forever (Mostly because it is so energizing)-66 plays
22) Overture to Candide-Bernstein (Played it last year in Wind Ensemble)-64 plays.
23) Sonata in E minor for flute and keyboard mvt 3-Bach; 64 plays (current studies)
24) Cantabile et Presto-Georges Enesco; 64 plays (current studies)
25) Come to Jesus; 63 plays (a recording by the mom of one of my friends, and a piece that I clung onto like crazy when my mom was sick).
Like I said, quite the eclectic mix, but reflective of several important areas of my life...my piano studies, my flute studies, my life as an MYC teacher, my faith...even my obsession with M*A*S*H (which is one reason that the Allegro of Mozart is in there (long story about that).
Well...enough procrastinating on just about everything! It's 1pm and I haven't even gotten out of my pajamas yet! But...I did sleep in until 11am. Not exactly my plan! I meant to get up at 7:30. BUT...I didn't fall asleep until nearly 2am due to getting home at 11:30 last night. Oh well. More incentive to get my blood tested? Not sure. But I've had a random MYC teacher that I don't even know send me an email encouraging me to get my thyroid checked due to a random comment on the "January Blahs" message track because the way I described things sounded exactly like what she was feeling before she was diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. And having days like sunday for no apparent reason really isn't conducive to studying...
Such is life.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
You know you are a musician when...
You practice piano wrapped in a shawl and blanket with freezing cold hands because you know the house is warm enough even
though you are freezing (just you having trouble maintaining your body temperature)
You bring the music stand up from the basement even though stairs are NOT your best friend tonight (sending your head into a tailspin basically) because you can't practice standing up and need to have a place to put the music while you practice whilest leaning back in the comfy, favourite, antique chair.
You listen to four Mahler symphonies in one day.
Yep, that is me. Physically, today has not been amazing. I don't even really want to be sitting up, that's how tired/fatigued/whatever I am feeling, and I've had a really hard time getting/staying warm since this afternoon. I can also tell that I'm not doing so great when my knitting speed slows down on the current prayer shawl I am making. I've had a lot more frustrations with breathing today as well, although not severe. Just wishing I could get an energy shot! Adrenaline, epinephrine, norepinephrine, anything lol. Mostly joking. I know that those would provide only temporary energy and could possibly fatal if not done correctly. PLUS, no one in their right mind would do that.
Time to go play some flute. And then hopefully convince myself to take a shower. I want to, but the idea of standing up for 10-15 minutes, not to mention freezing for a couple of minutes while the water heats up (I don't get under the water, but it's not exactly warm in Canada in the winter) isn't exactly appealing. Maybe a bath, I don't know. Not sure if the tub upstairs is clean enough to do so-I haven't taken a bath in months, just showers in the downstairs bathroom. My dad has been using the upstairs shower, and I've been using the downstairs one. Oh well, things will be figured out. Maybe playing my flute will help wake me up a bit and warm me up.
though you are freezing (just you having trouble maintaining your body temperature)
You bring the music stand up from the basement even though stairs are NOT your best friend tonight (sending your head into a tailspin basically) because you can't practice standing up and need to have a place to put the music while you practice whilest leaning back in the comfy, favourite, antique chair.
You listen to four Mahler symphonies in one day.
Yep, that is me. Physically, today has not been amazing. I don't even really want to be sitting up, that's how tired/fatigued/whatever I am feeling, and I've had a really hard time getting/staying warm since this afternoon. I can also tell that I'm not doing so great when my knitting speed slows down on the current prayer shawl I am making. I've had a lot more frustrations with breathing today as well, although not severe. Just wishing I could get an energy shot! Adrenaline, epinephrine, norepinephrine, anything lol. Mostly joking. I know that those would provide only temporary energy and could possibly fatal if not done correctly. PLUS, no one in their right mind would do that.
Time to go play some flute. And then hopefully convince myself to take a shower. I want to, but the idea of standing up for 10-15 minutes, not to mention freezing for a couple of minutes while the water heats up (I don't get under the water, but it's not exactly warm in Canada in the winter) isn't exactly appealing. Maybe a bath, I don't know. Not sure if the tub upstairs is clean enough to do so-I haven't taken a bath in months, just showers in the downstairs bathroom. My dad has been using the upstairs shower, and I've been using the downstairs one. Oh well, things will be figured out. Maybe playing my flute will help wake me up a bit and warm me up.
Heart and Stroke Awareness Day 3
Heart attack symptoms in men are most commonly recognized. These include:
-Chest pain or discomfort. This may be severe or not, and has been described in many ways including fullness or pressure, squeezing, or the common 'elephant on the chest' type pain.
-Problems breathing such as shortness of breath that can lead to dizzyness or lightheadedness
-Stomach issues including nausea and stomach pain
-Pain that radiates to one or both arms, or the jaw
-Sweating, even if it is freezing cold.
Not all people experiencing a heart attack experience the same symptoms! It is important to be aware that the 'elephant on the chest' pain doesn't happen to everyone. Early treatment is VERY important, and if there are any symptoms present that just 'don't make sense', particularly in someone who has heart problems or other medical conditions, it is better to be safe than sorry and get it checked out.
-Chest pain or discomfort. This may be severe or not, and has been described in many ways including fullness or pressure, squeezing, or the common 'elephant on the chest' type pain.
-Problems breathing such as shortness of breath that can lead to dizzyness or lightheadedness
-Stomach issues including nausea and stomach pain
-Pain that radiates to one or both arms, or the jaw
-Sweating, even if it is freezing cold.
Not all people experiencing a heart attack experience the same symptoms! It is important to be aware that the 'elephant on the chest' pain doesn't happen to everyone. Early treatment is VERY important, and if there are any symptoms present that just 'don't make sense', particularly in someone who has heart problems or other medical conditions, it is better to be safe than sorry and get it checked out.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Tired day
I guess I had a busy week? At least my body today seems to think that I have had a busy week. I finished teaching my classes this afternoon and was pretty much hit with exhaustion. If I lived alone, I probably would have gone to bed at 5pm when I was trying to cook soup, and had to sit down. The soup turned out okay, I do prefer pureed types of soup or stews, but figured it was worth a try. PLUS I used the music symbol-shaped pasta that I got from a student last Christmas. I will probably never have to buy anything music-shaped again unless I stop teaching young students...
Anyways...it's frustrating that my body thinks that it should be exhausted. So tired/exhausted that eating is hard. I had a very small portion of the soup and then got a craving to make a toasted cheese sandwich (not sure why), so I did (in case anyone is wondering, it's the same as grilled cheese except that I don't put any oil/butter/margarine in the pan-it's just bread and cheese done until nicely golden-brown) but being exhausted like this makes it hard to eat even if I get a craving. My brain and blood sugar and what-not may need energy but it seems like my digestive system just shuts down-a frustrating predicament that certainly makes continuing forward on sustained work on rehabilitation/recovery from ED-NOS difficult. When eating becomes a chore, it's not fun at all. And I like cooking, but it's hard to do when you're tired and getting dizzy-ish, which I have been a lot today, even a bit during my teaching. I'll keep an eye on it, but I think it just comes with the exhaustion.
Tonight feels like a night to not move to much from my desk chair. I'm going to finish the sandwich (it's taking a while) and then do some marking, and make sure to go to bed by ten. Any earlier and my dad would probably get concerned...
Anyways...it's frustrating that my body thinks that it should be exhausted. So tired/exhausted that eating is hard. I had a very small portion of the soup and then got a craving to make a toasted cheese sandwich (not sure why), so I did (in case anyone is wondering, it's the same as grilled cheese except that I don't put any oil/butter/margarine in the pan-it's just bread and cheese done until nicely golden-brown) but being exhausted like this makes it hard to eat even if I get a craving. My brain and blood sugar and what-not may need energy but it seems like my digestive system just shuts down-a frustrating predicament that certainly makes continuing forward on sustained work on rehabilitation/recovery from ED-NOS difficult. When eating becomes a chore, it's not fun at all. And I like cooking, but it's hard to do when you're tired and getting dizzy-ish, which I have been a lot today, even a bit during my teaching. I'll keep an eye on it, but I think it just comes with the exhaustion.
Tonight feels like a night to not move to much from my desk chair. I'm going to finish the sandwich (it's taking a while) and then do some marking, and make sure to go to bed by ten. Any earlier and my dad would probably get concerned...
Heart and Stroke Awareness Day 2
Fact for today: Heart Disease (all kinds) remains the number one cause of death for both men and woman in Canada and the United States. This includes various forms of cardiomyopathy, heart attacks, and deaths during surgery to fix heart problems, and can occur at ANY age.
Friday, February 1, 2013
Heart and Stroke Awareness Day 1
February is Heart and Stroke Awareness Month. This is a cause that is, no pun intended, literally close to my heart. Each day, I will be posting facts about Heart and Stroke Awareness.
Today's fact directly affects me. Congenital Heart Defects are the most common birth defect, affecting 1 in 80 to 1 in 100 babies born every single year. These defects range from mild and not requiring treatment for years (and possibly never) to fatal within the first few days of life. I do consider myself fortunate to be on the mild end of the spectrum, dealing only with a bicuspid aortic valve and some very minor issues with some of the arteries and veins around my heart (including my aorta) being slightly off in measurement. Many babies are born with far worse including hypoplastic right or left hearts, which means that they in essence have only half a heart. Medical technology has progressed tremendously even in my lifetime of 22 years, but there is so much left to do in terms of increasing survival rates and increasing the quality of life of children and adults with the more severe forms of CHD.
I'm wearing red today to mark the first day of Heart and Stroke Awareness Month. Let's spread the word about all forms of heart disease and stroke, because knowledge is power.
Today's fact directly affects me. Congenital Heart Defects are the most common birth defect, affecting 1 in 80 to 1 in 100 babies born every single year. These defects range from mild and not requiring treatment for years (and possibly never) to fatal within the first few days of life. I do consider myself fortunate to be on the mild end of the spectrum, dealing only with a bicuspid aortic valve and some very minor issues with some of the arteries and veins around my heart (including my aorta) being slightly off in measurement. Many babies are born with far worse including hypoplastic right or left hearts, which means that they in essence have only half a heart. Medical technology has progressed tremendously even in my lifetime of 22 years, but there is so much left to do in terms of increasing survival rates and increasing the quality of life of children and adults with the more severe forms of CHD.
I'm wearing red today to mark the first day of Heart and Stroke Awareness Month. Let's spread the word about all forms of heart disease and stroke, because knowledge is power.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Fathers
MY dad is fine. All they did was put steri-strips on his ear, which has led me to, somewhat wrongly, tease him a bit about rushing off because of a boo-boo. That, and worry about him falling out of bed AGAIN. It seems he does this at least once a month now. This is the first time he has gotten injured besides bruises however. I guess his being overweight does protect his bones a bit.
However, a facebook post informed me that a friend's dad was killed in a car accident a few days ago. Ouch. My heart immediately ached for him. I don't know this particular friend especially well, but I sent a more personal email message to him, trying not to sound too Dr. Phil-ish but letting him know a little bit...what helped me (for which I actually did say talking with a counsellor...an interesting step in the right direction), that everything he felt was normal.
Oy.
Life.
Precious.
Changed in an instant.
However, a facebook post informed me that a friend's dad was killed in a car accident a few days ago. Ouch. My heart immediately ached for him. I don't know this particular friend especially well, but I sent a more personal email message to him, trying not to sound too Dr. Phil-ish but letting him know a little bit...what helped me (for which I actually did say talking with a counsellor...an interesting step in the right direction), that everything he felt was normal.
Oy.
Life.
Precious.
Changed in an instant.
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