Why?

That is a question I have been asking myself a lot the past few months. WHY?

We found out yesterday that a former member of our congregation is near death from widespread cancer. They used to live just a block away, I would sometimes babysit their grandchildren...who, thinking about it, are now teenagers. One of those gosh-I-feel-old moments, but if Z was going on three when I was eleven, and I'm 22 now...she would be 13, and S would be 15. D was diagnosed with cancer a few months back, and for a few days we all had hope-my city is fortunate enough to have something called a Gamma Knife, which would treat the cancer in his skull. It was supposed to be localized, but just three days before he was supposed to have the treatment, he had further tests, which revealed that the cancer had completely spread. No hope left. The word from my minister yesterday was that he was pretty much comatose. I know how cancer death happens. Once it's at that stage, it is usually only a day or two.

I'm sick of death happening...I know it's a part of life, but this winter has seemed to be all about death. Since early January-so only two months-there have been five deaths (or will be at any time). First was what we would call a 'good death'...sort of. The death itself was not pleasant, but she was 95 years old, and had Alzheimers. She had lived a full life, and the past few years had been rough. I still hurt for her daughter, a retired school teacher I have known my entire life. And one of the best hug-givers I might add! She has had health problems of her own, relating at least in part to not taking care of herself properly because she was taking care of her parents for at least the past ten and I think closer to fifteen years, even once they entered the nursing home. Okay, and the second one was also similar-the mother of my former Wind Ensemble conductor, I believe she was 89. So, while I do feel a great deal of empathy for these people who are personally special to me, I am at peace with these deaths.

Then come the not-so-good ones. My friend T lost his father in a car accident this winter. He himself was mildly injured, and his brother more severely, although he has recovered pretty well so far. His father was about the same age as my mom when she died from cancer. The difference of course was that he had no time to prepare, and SURVIVED a crash that his father didn't. Talk about survivor's guilt.

And March 6th, the unthinkable happened, when my friend's brother S committed suicide. Did I mention that I'm still feeling haunted by his father's words? I may for a very, very, very long time, especially when I get down so to speak. When I know that there have been countless dozens of days where very, very little got me through. That is what severe depression can look like. I can't say I know exactly what S felt because everyone is an individual, but I can say that I've felt very, very similar. The only difference is that I wasn't successful. Why S and not me? Why I am here when if we really want to get down to exact numbers, S was more successful in life than I with a higher GPA? A family that, again, if it comes down to it, is much closer and more supportive?

And then I ask why? about me. Why can't I have more energy? Why are there no easy answers? WHEN is my blood work from genetics going to come in? 3 months is on wednesday. I am right now very much faced with the strong possibility that because of this low energy and other issues that have made it more difficult to work that I will be graduating in October instead of May. Now, I'm not that upset about that, but it is at the same time. Actually, the main reason I feel upset about it is because so many of my friends are graduating in May and it would be neat to graduate together...but...health has to come first. It's huge though. I feel at times like life is passing me by with my friends, some of whom are younger than me going off and graduating and going to grad school, and I won't be yet. And it's not due to lack of brains or hard work on my part. It's because of my stupid, stupid body that keeps betraying me.

A week or two ago, my weight had dropped a bit. Now it's suddenly rebounded up further than it was. I have a feeling that it's mostly just fluid/distension from stomach issues but it doesn't help the ED brain. And my stomach is uncomfortable. I hate the times when I just feel so strongly that I hate my body. The phrase "Love your body for what it does" doesn't resonate too well when it seems like there is SO MUCH that it IS NOT doing.

I'm tired. I was tired during teaching, then crashed a bit afterwards. I forced myself to do some cooking but it really wore me out, and I started having breathing problems. I hadn't had it that severely for some time, and was glad that no one else was around to see me squatting on a kitchen chair to finish chopping spinach for the vegetable lasagna. The really good thing about today was that I was very, very happy with my students' performances during solo time. Things just seemed to have clicked for most of them in my Sunbeams One class. Funny how just when you are starting to get worried things work out...

And yes, I will be seeing my doctor this week. Domperidone and iron, domperidone and iron...It's obvious that this has now affected my life quite a bit, having to delay graduation. I know it's only a temporary setback...but that doesn't make it particularly easy either.