This one is FINALLY finished!

I finally finished this one today. I started it during reading week in February...it's not that it actually took that long, but I ended up putting it off for other projects. It's nice to have it finished though. This is another Bernat Baby Jacquards project (did I mention how much I love the yarn?) from the book Patty Cake.

Marriages and a wrong number phone call...

I guess I can chalk everything up to seeing a couple of announcements on Facebook yesterday-the marriage of two of my high school classmates and the engagement of another (that one was the real shocker, but I'm very happy for him!). As I was practising tonight (as in I finally got down to it after pushing past my irrational fear), my phone rings...a wrong number call. For the second time in a week. For the same person, a young woman named Ariel. But a different guy. When he said Ariel, I said "You have the wrong number again" and something about how he'd phoned me at five am last sunday. Turns out that yes, he knew that guy, and the woman both were trying to reach is an accountant. Here's where we started interacting. I said that I was a musician, not an accountant, and that I'd actually been practising when he called."Oh? What type of music are you into?" I said I was a flute player, and also a piano teacher, that I taught a program called Music for Young Children. He plays the guitar apparently. Then, things got a little bit more crazy. He said, "I know this is kind of crazy, but you sound really nice, maybe you'd like to go for coffee or something, I'd like to get to know you..." I started with my "I'm not really looking for anyone, I'm very busy, I'm a full-time university student" routine. Well, in the end...I sort of actually agreed. Said that he could phone me in September and maybe we could meet at a Tims on campus (I figured this would be a safe location-VERY busy, and VERY public). I realize that a lot of my feelings on my impulsivity probably came from seeing three more of my friends/classmates 'pair up and settle down' and a feeling that life was passing me by. To be honest, I went on Facebook looking for guidance from a friend. Well, no one was online that would be a good person to talk to (closest was my 14 year old flautist friend, and she's not really qualified in this area yet!), so I texted a good friend who usually texts back right away...she said that I should go for it, as long as I'm careful, that a complete accidental meeting was how she met the love of her life. So at least I'm not crazy. Maybe God truly IS doing something here. But I'm still a bit paranoid! However, I think I just might meet him once for caffeine (I don't drink coffee!), and see how it goes from there. Being a musician is definitely one shot in his-Cameron's-favour. But...well...who knows? He does have to be Christian before I'd consider anything more than a friendship! And in my mind, at 26, he's still a bit old for me...I think I need to pray about this! And then trust God to guide me in what's right.

Top-Down Cardigan-Bernat Baby Jacquards

Just finished this the other day, it's from the Bernat book 'Patty Cake'-Bernat Baby Jacquards. I LOVE the yarn.  Just hope my friend's little boy hasn't grown too big for it! The colour is Boo Berries. I'm still new-ish to picking up stitches, and wish that the button bands had been a little bit better, but overall, I'm happy with the results.

Health...

With all the friends I have who are dealing with health concerns the past two or three weeks, I've really neglected thinking about my own. After feeling quite a bit strange today, I began adding things up and realized that I really do need to see my doctor. And soon, so I'm going to phone first thing on monday. It could be that my levels are fine, but after refreshing my brain and reading up a little bit, I saw that my increased thirst, weakness leading to accelerated heart rate during things that never caused this even a few days ago, fatigue...well...my glucose or electrolyte levels (or both) could be messed up. It might be nothing, but I should get  them checked. If my electrolyte levels were messed up, it could mean that my body wouldn't be able to regulate the amount of fluid my kidneys excrete, this could lead to a number of things. I haven't noticed water retention recently, but it could be leading to my increased thirst. I'm a small person, and after measuring my tea mug and finding out that it holds about 400+mls, and counting that I drink at least 4 cups of red or green tea a day, plus a 300ml mug of milk, and sometimes more water as well...add to this that I'm not that active...and I can see that getting 2000mls a day, well, might be a bit much for me if I'm not exercising for 90 minutes, or walking outside much in the heat. The reason I'm even thinking of increased blood sugar levels is that seroquel can, in uncommon instances, raise blood sugar levels. I don't want that side effect, because it would likely mean I would have to go off the medication, but if it's happening, I do need to get it checked out, and fixed. Please pray for me on this one...

More blankets

Friends times 2

Obviously, the world has it in for my friends right now...another friend is currently sitting in emergency because coming off of an SSRI has given her excessive shocks (I had them coming off Zoloft and they were brutal) and her B12 levels are very low...again...for unknown reasons. Now, this friend is not one of my eating disorder friends, I know her from orchestra and she is now going into her third year of nursing. She also plays the flute-quite well, I might add. I miss having her around! Hopefully, they figure things out and she'll be okay. And then, another of my friends has messed up her knee and  is back to a knee brace and physiotherapy. Granted, her messing up a knee is not uncommon, it started back in grade seven, and has continued, obviously, to this day! Both knees, I might add.

My friend D is doing okay, she had some pretty bad pain a couple of days ago, but they found out that she couldn't handle the tube feeds-AND they'd positioned the tube wrong anyways. So, she's still on morphine, but doing okay on it, and she's able to walk around. They may start back on the tube feeds today or tomorrow, in the meantime she's still getting her fluids+ glucose intravenously. Still not sure if she's going to have to have surgery, but she's looking at at least three to four more weeks in hospital.

In terms of me...I had an appointment with my ICM today after seeing my friend D (same hospital, so it was convenient). Kind of got a little chewing out from her for not yet going to my doctor to start the Imipramine (tricyclic). It came down to this, FEAR. But I do need to be seen by my doctor. I'm just a bit afraid she's going to give me a chewing out if she finds out I've lost weight. When talking with my friend N on saturday, I mentioned that I'd been having a difficult time lately, that I'd lost about 7 or 8 pounds. Her comment was both a discouragement and an encouragement in terms of the ED behaviour. What she said was, very gently, "I thought you looked like you'd lost weight". Logic brain, let's call it Spock Brain says "WHOA. Someone has noticed. This means that you really do need to step back in and take control". ED brain says "Someone's noticed. Great! Your efforts have paid off. Now do more!". I guess I should take some acknowledgement in that I'm able to separate these two brains/thoughts. It is frustrating feeling like I'm completely split in two...almost all the time.

The basement renovations started on monday. As of now, the construction crew has been here almost twelve hours today...as I have learned, renovations mean not only strange sounds, but some strange smells (I'm guessing things like wood and soldering). I'll be happy when it's finished. It felt a bit like Deja Vu going downstairs, because just two or three months ago we had the sump pump put in and the basement floor had a nice giant hole in it and mounds of dirt. Now, to put the bathroom in, there is an almost identical hole and mounds of dirt! I am happy that they are here and working though, and very grateful that my dad has the ability to do this, in large part for me. And I cannot contain my excitement about having my studio downstairs!

Friends

Today has been good so far. I saw two dear friends, unfortunately, I was visiting them in the hospital! My friend N is on psychiatric for the eating disorder treatment. We'd been planning a visit today for a few days now. As it worked out, a mutual friend of ours (we both know her from eating disorder groups, although different ones...) was in the general hospital for a non-eating disorder related ailment, a condition called SMA, that is quite uncommon and generally happens only in young women who are thin. Many physicians and nurses are relatively unaware of this condition, and in turn mistake it FOR eating disorders, brushing off the patients with this condition as having anorexia. What happens in SMA is an artery moves where it shouldn't and squeezes around the duodenum, the first section of small intestine from the stomach. This makes eating very difficult, as severe pain results, and vomiting as well. As patients lose weight, it can get worse, because the cushioning fat disappears (kind of a catch-22). Anyways, my friend on psychiatric still only has 30-minute accompanied wheel-chair passes, but that was enough for me to take her over to see our friend D. D is on iv fluids as well as a feeding tube that is past the tightened part of her intestine, and they're waiting to see if by gaining a little weight it will not require surgery, but it likely will.

Let's hope none of my other friends get any other rare ailments for the next few weeks at least! I can only make so many prayer shawls at once!

Immune Thrombocytopenia purpura...or so a special friend of mine was just diagnosed with. It hurts me because she is a couple thousand kilometres away, and so there is little I can do. Basically, what this disease does is drastically reduce the number of platelets that can work in her blood. A normal count is between 150,000 and 450,000...hers was at 3000. Readers of my blog may remember that I've asked for prayers a little girl with diabetes. Well, this is her mother. Given that these are both auto-immune diseases, my scientific brain thinks that there must be a genetic link. But, my heart cries out because I wish I could be there, and that I wish I could take away the pain. All I can do is pray, offer support online, and send her a prayer shawl as soon as I can. My main prayers for her right now is for her platelet count to stabilize soon so she can be released from the hospital soon (maybe by the weekend) and get back to her adorable little girl, and two, for her disease to go into remission and STAY in remission for the rest of her life, which will hopefully be at least 60 more years!

Awkward and frustrating...

Right after dinner (one which was quite hard for me), in a complete coincidence situation, my dad turns on our local weather network, run through the cable company. This station tends to play all sorts of background music, from classical to jazz to country, to who knows what. Anyway, my dad turns it on and says "oh, this used to be one of my favourite bands, the Carpenters" (or something along those lines). I make the usual sort of vague replies from the kitchen as I'm cleaning up, something along the lines of 'okay'. Then, for whatever reason, he continues "the lead singer starved herself...she was anorexic". AWKWARD with a capital YIKES! As calmly and unrevealingly as I can, I reply back "why did you feel you needed to mention this?"...his response was something along the lines of making conversation. I, of course, feel the need to state my point and answer back "It's an illness". The conversation pretty much died there. It was incredibly frustrating at that point, lots of statements wanting to burst out, such as "one of my closest friends has anorexia"..."what if I told you that I have anorexia"...that sort of thing. It wouldn't even be much of an exaggeration, I'm about 2-3 pounds away from anorexia weight (it comes up quickly when you're short like me), although one of the diagnostic criteria can't be met until at least three months has passed (I won't go into detail). It's a daily, minutely, secondly battle. I forced myself to drink a cup of cold milk today, and it was a challenge, and not a pleasant one. I hadn't had cold milk outside of cereal in I don't know how many months. I don't know how many minutes it took me to take the first step either. Eating dinner is becoming increasingly hard. And to add to those frustrations, today I slept in crazily late for me. I was supposed to catch a bus at about 10:10 this morning to meet a friend for tea. Well, when I woke up-after hardly noticing switching off my seven alarms and sleeping completely through the 2 hours of the eighth (the radio), it was 10:40! I couldn't believe it and was pretty down on myself. What was confusing to me was that I went to bed just at midnight and fell asleep pretty quickly, so I slept close to 10 and a half hours. This might not confuse me during the school year, but the fact is, I've been sleeping about 9 hours a night, sometimes more. So I shouldn't be so sleep-deprived that I can't get up. This is one of only 2 times when I have really slept in and missed something important. Yes, that's right, in all my school history, only once have I slept in and missed the bus. When I was little-grades one and two-my mom on a few occasions wouldn't get me up for school (although I'd generally awake at about the same time anyway) because she felt I needed to sleep (my guess is that she did this to avoid illness on my part, because when I was little, if I didn't get enough sleep, I tended to catch whatever was going around-especially stomach bugs). But only once-during my first year of university in the winter semester-did I sleep past catching my bus, and I still made it to class on time by getting a ride to a stop where I could catch the express bus downtown. Never have I slept in like this! Normally, even if I'm really, really tired in the morning, I can force myself to get up. I do remember a fleeting moment of remembering that I needed to get up when the first alarm went off at about 8am this morning, but that was it. I have no recollection of anything on the radio, and I was definitely dreaming quite vividly during that 8-10:40 time. I'm glad that my friend was still waiting, and also glad I could catch a ride from my dad downtown so that I was there at about 11:15, only 25 minutes late. But I still feel very frustrated about missing that bus! Tonight, obviously I need to go to bed earlier...I wish I was one of those lucky few that only needs 4 or 5 hours of sleep. It would be so much more practical.

Vicious cycle...

Eating disorders are a vicious cycle. Right now, my dietician would probably be (hopefully minorly, not majorly) freaking a bit, and I guess there's a bit in my mind that does know it's not enough, but mostly it only thinks that I should eat more vegetables and maybe have a bit more milk (not more meat or grain products). I would say that in all honesty, it's only my love and (oddly) feeling of safety in Kashi granola bars and my hot chocolate that keeps me from seriously tipping off the deep end. Eating is so frustrating, I can feel hungry, but then I go to the kitchen and I just get so caught up that I can't chose something, and then I can't eat. It's frustrating because it's so hard to be at the dinner table with my dad. It's frustrating because I find it so hard to participate in meal planning, or writing the grocery list. It's hard for me to get started cooking (although once I start, it's fine, and I finish it). It's frustrating because I know that this can't be helping the depression but it's so hard to that it just gets worse, and that's part of where the vicious cycle comes into play.

What's a bit scary for me is when I think back to just how early this started in my life, and seeing how early it is starting in other kids, and not even just mild issues, but full blown anorexia in kids under eight years of age. Actually, it's not just a bit scary, it's quite scary. The thought of the little kids that I teach or babysit going through something like this before they have even hit double digits in their age...

I love children, and do want to have children of my own someday, but I worry a lot about whether I'd be able to carry a child safely to term due to both my physical stature and the possibility of nutritional deficiencies or damage, and then my fear of developing severe post-partum depression. I guess I'll just have to wait and see on that. Given that there isn't even a casual relationship in the picture right now, I don't have to worry about that...but I do.

Bernat Pipsqueak blanket

Registrations are going all right. It really looks like I'll be having two classes of Sunshine One, Sunbeams One, and Moonbeams One, plus one of Sunrise, although I so far have only a little bit of interest in Sunrise. But, the summer is young. Parents apparantly start phoning more after the August long weekend. I forget that while I have been off school for nearly three months, the kids have only been off for a week!!!! In between the parent meetings, I was able to make another blanket, pretty quickly too. Bulky yarn is great for fast projects-gotta love it! This yarn is by Bernat and is called Pipsqueak. It was done in groups of double crochet so it was pretty easy.

Happy Canada Day!

I always forget some sort of important date, like father's day, valentine's day, oh yeah, my beloved country's day of celebration...actually, I didn't really forget about it, just didn't write about it. The other two, yeah, I did forget about a little. Incidently, I now have only 29.5 hours left of being 20. 21 is a weird age to think of being, it's when my friends (that have already turned 21) jokingly (or not so jokingly) call themselves 'old'. Of course, this makes people like my dad, who are in their sixties, laugh! Fact is, a lot of us just don't really count after 21...I guess I face things with aging/not aging with a little more difficulty than many my age though. Looking young may have it's benefits, but then I think of something like how, say 3, 4, 5 years from now, I'm married and have a child...and just thinking of how I might be viewed by others as a teenage mom, or a girl out babysitting, not as a respectable, married mother in their mid-twenties. I guess I'll have to face that bridge when, and if, it comes. Given that there is no guy in the picture at all right now, that 3 year outlook is probably pretty soon! Just the thought of it though, almost makes me want to post a sign on the stroller or carrier that says "stop staring, I am 25 and married, and this is my first child"...when and if that happens!

My dad, sister and I were at my dad's geneticist appointment yesterday where we found out that he is a carrier for the more severe form of Hemochromatosis. Basically, in a person that has two copies of the hemochromatosis gene, they can develop, after about age 40 in men and menopause in women, a condition known as hemochromatosis, which causes iron overload. Early symptoms can include chronic fatigue, depression, abdominal pain, and aching joints. All of those can easily be attributed to the natural aging process, which is why it often gos undiagnosed until much further damage has occured, including type 2 diabetes, hypothyroidism, cardiomyopathy, cardiac arrhythmias, and cirrhosis or liver cancer. Eventually, if untreated, iron can even build up in the brain causing permanent brain damage. Now, my dad is only a carrier, however, this was found out because he had a consistently high iron level (which I attribute to his over-love of red meat). So, because we have no knowledge of whether my mom was a carrier or even affected by the disorder, my sister and I were both tested. We'll learn the results in a month or two-whether we are carriers, free of the disease, or affected by it. Right now, I don't think we have to worry, given that my sister can barely keep her iron at a high enough level even with iron pills to keep her from falling asleep at her desk during lunch and I consistently am 1 or 2 points away from being prescribed iron pills myself.

I'll explain a little bit about how the risks work to my sister and I. Out of the basic Northern European population (and their ancestry, of which we count, being of mostly Scottish descent), approximately 1 in 9 people are carriers. My dad is a known carrier, but the rest is a question. For every gene, we each receive one copy from our father, and one copy from our mother. If my mom was NOT a carrier, than my sister and I have a 1 in 2 risk of being a carrier, as this is a recessive gene, meaning that you have to have two copies of the gene to be affected. I wish I could put up a Punnet Square, like I used to use in high school biology (actually, I do miss doing these problems-but not enough to go into med school, God has indicated that although that could be a successive career, it is not where he is pointing me). However, my computer skills are not great. Perhaps I'll take a picture of it and put it up later! If my mom was NOT a carrier, my sister and I have no risk of the disease ourselves, and have a 1 in 2 chance of being completely free of this gene. However, if my mom was a carrier, than my sister and I have a 1 in 4 chance of being affected by hemachromatosis, and, once again a 1 in 2 chance of being a carrier. We would then have a 1 in 4 chance of being completely free of the gene. If my mom was actually affected by the disease, then my sister and I have a 1 in 2 chance of being affected by the disease, and a 1 in 2 chance of being a carrier-and no chance of being free of the gene. The good news about all of this is that it is entirely treatable. If we are revealed to have two copies of the hemachromatosis gene that was indicated in my dad's test, then all that is necessary is a yearly test to make sure we don't have iron overload. And, really, we wouldn't even have to worry until we hit menopause, as it is very rare in women before then (our wonderful monthly discharge is enough to keep it in balance). The treatment is simple too-donating blood, essentially, if you qualify. Hemochromatosis is not an exclusion from giving blood.

I wish there was a way to test for my mom's cancer, however. Fact is, the doctors weren't even entirely sure that it was adenocarcinoma of the small intestine-they knew it was adenocarcinoma, which can occur in a number of different organs, but they never could pinpoint the exact source, because it was so widespread, and the tests were not conclusive. It may have come from her appendix. Whatever the case, it was a very uncommon, even rare, cancer, and even more rare in that it did not respond at all to three different types of chemotherapy. The fact that my grandma died as well from a mystery digestive cancer concerns me even more. But, there I go again, obsessing about things that might not happen, or that might not happen for 6, 7 decades. The nagging voice in me though gets concerned that it might not be even three decades' time, but just one, if my sister and I were to follow the pattern and develop the cancer close to twenty years' before my mom (like she did of my grandma). In all honesty, I feel that of the two of us, I have a greater chance of developing the cancer than my sister, because in comparison of body structure, my sister is much more like my dad's side of the family, and I am much more like my mom's side-down to my super-short stature, apparently inherited from a great-great-grandma (thanks). It was a weird, weird, weird feeling when at some point during all of this, I wished that my dad's genes would be more dominant in me. I'd never wished that before, because I had always viewed it as 'bad' because his side is a bit bigger boned, and tends to put on weight more easily, whereas some of my mom's relatives could be described as being painfully thin (my grandad in his later years included). In the midst of my eating disorder that was quite a strange experience. So now I find myself hoping to continue with my mom's side of the family in terms of bone structure (I guess I can count on that, it's not going to change) and overall body shape and composition, while wanting my dad's genes in terms of a digestive system. Which is also strange, because typically, I see his digestive system as something to be abhored, because of the way it makes him eat.

Summers are always hard for me in terms of the eating disorder, and that is because I have lots of time. I need to phone my ed counsellor, and then the nurse practitioner with the program because to be honest, it's actually showing. During this month, my weight has dipped about 6 pounds (which is more significant than it sounds when you are 4'9 and of small frame-think a ten or eleven year old). Also, I've noticed a significant increase in dizzyness symptoms as well as some heart flutterings or arrhythmias (and today for a half-second a sharp pain on the left side of my chest-fleeting, but momentarily scary and painful). Half of the reason I haven't gone already is fear that this will be written off as hypochondria because when I was 13 I had some (but less than now) of the heart flutterings-but no pain or dizzyness-and went through a variety of testing to have it come up as nothing. Perhaps some of it is psychosomatic, as I tend to notice things when I'm attempting to eat, or not eating, but then again, for all I know, it's because my body is at that point desperate for some energy.

It just feels like a losing battle no matter what. When I eat, I feel horrible, when I don't eat, I don't feel any better either. I think I'll phone my good friend who is unfortunately back in the hospital (hopefully for the last time) and have a good talk tomorrow. She's one of the only ones that can truly understand.

Fleece Blankets

Some blankets don't take very long to make! Fleece blankets are nice in that way. The blue one required no sewing whatsoever, just the tying of the fringe like a balloon. It's big enough to be a nice-sized blanket for a twin bed, as is the red one, which I stitched around in blanket stitch.