A good day...
...having my special oatmeal blend cooked up in containers in the fridge so that all I have to do is pop it in the microwave for breakfast
...not fainting during the presentation on Fluxus even though I was in a bit of an episode (don't get me wrong on this, presenting does not really make me nervous, especially not in a group presentation. I actually really enjoy public speaking, which is strange from this former-shy girl and still quite a bit of a introvert)
...getting a notebook and notecards (sigh, this was exciting. Can you tell I'm a die-hard nerd? Although, the notebook was for my practice journal for piano...)
...green tea...lots of it. Also chocolate-vanilla soy milk.
...sparkly shoes. I bought two pairs of sparkly flats on sale at Payless. In addition to the running shoes that I really did need. My friend C. has corrupted me into the sparkly shoe world. Pink sparkly shoes and white sparkly shoes. Both flats. I love flats!
...a nice talk with one of my flute friends, even if she was tired and we didn't dig into anything on either parts.
...not having philosophy, which enabled me to do the highest point of my day which was
GOING TO THE GYM!!!!!!!!!! For the first time since November!!!!!!!!!!! Unfortunately, the signs of being sick were very evident. I've taken breaks about this long before, but never with such deteriorating results. In early November, I was running 3-4 miles, pretty much straight running, and pretty fast. Now, I can't even jog 1 mile. But I still did two miles of jogging/walking/ brief bits of slower-than-my-old normal-running. And I lifted some weights and did some crunches. I'm down to 5 pound weights, but it's better than nothing. And this is a far, far cry from December, when I could hardly lift my tea mug and putting in a load of laundry would finish me for the day. I still often have to stop on stairs if I'm in a breathing episode, but going to the gym if I'm NOT in a breathing episode works.
Nothing yet from the internal medicine specialist. I see my dietician on tuesday and I am also going to book an appointment with my family doctor for that day if I can, to go get my electrolyte levels and what-not checked...and maybe start some treatment for SOMETHING, whether it is heart, or whether we try some inhalers and see if that makes any difference. Otherwise, I am going to have to defer my jury, because there is no way of knowing if I will be in an episode at that point or not, and if I AM, then I will NOT play anywhere near the way I can when I am NOT in a breathing episode. Oye. I went from a high to a low in a few seconds! Okay, I'll end on a high note...
Block Two of Sunrise starts tomorrow! Smiles :)
Friday, March 30, 2012
Thursday, March 29, 2012
First Semester=Finished
Yes, yesterday at 4:27 pm, I finished first semester. Long story short, I stayed up all night, worked through most of the day on this paper on Carmen, which really ended up being not very good, but it is in. I hope that it at least gets marked, so that the incomplete grade gets changed. Just about anything is better than having an F I sitting on my transcript messing up my GPA.
Was it incredibly stupid of me to pull an all-nighter? Physically, YES, absolutely I should never have done that. Academically...well...
I survived. Actually, it was pretty much the least difficult all-nighter I've done (and I haven't done that many), for whatever reason. Whenever I have done all-nighters, I don't really get tired until the evening, say 6 or 7pm...which was the same for this one...which meant that I could hardly stand up in choir and was swaying a bit more, but I pushed through it and was fine. Mostly, doing an all-nighter for me feels a bit flu-ish. I typically won't want to eat until the evening, so I really couldn't have green tea yesterday. Until almost choir, I subsisted on some dry cheerios and diet 7up while battling shaking, chills and hot flashes. Fortunately, I was able to eat some real food-pasta with sauce-before choir, and drank two bottles of low-calorie vitamin water so I wasn't as likely to faint. Lack of sleep combined with some postural hypo-tension, combined with low blood sugar sounds like a disaster waiting to happen! I think part of the reason that it wasn't as rough of an all-nighter, despite the fact that the night before I got less than 5 hours of sleep, is that I am at such a low dose of seroquel, and therefore wasn't having any seroquel withdrawl effects (which include stomach pain and nausea which has previously happened when I have had to do an all-nighter in the past and the next day when I was catsitting at my sister's place and forgot my seroquel). Plus, I was more careful and didn't eat anything heavy, like I did in December when I had kashi high-protein cereal with milk. I think that was probably what did me in the last time.
And I was sensible and slept for 9.5 hours last night. I think I am going to go to bed relatively soon now, so that I can be up and productive for tomorrow morning, and feel confident about my group presentation on Fluxus (type it into Wikipedia, it is fascinating, but I don't feel like explaining it now).
It was pouring rain today, and really damp and cold, so I am hopeful that tomorrow will be nicer. I am also going to attempt to go to the gym tomorrow after my 20th century class, so I hope that goes well! I MISS RUNNING!!!!!
Was it incredibly stupid of me to pull an all-nighter? Physically, YES, absolutely I should never have done that. Academically...well...
I survived. Actually, it was pretty much the least difficult all-nighter I've done (and I haven't done that many), for whatever reason. Whenever I have done all-nighters, I don't really get tired until the evening, say 6 or 7pm...which was the same for this one...which meant that I could hardly stand up in choir and was swaying a bit more, but I pushed through it and was fine. Mostly, doing an all-nighter for me feels a bit flu-ish. I typically won't want to eat until the evening, so I really couldn't have green tea yesterday. Until almost choir, I subsisted on some dry cheerios and diet 7up while battling shaking, chills and hot flashes. Fortunately, I was able to eat some real food-pasta with sauce-before choir, and drank two bottles of low-calorie vitamin water so I wasn't as likely to faint. Lack of sleep combined with some postural hypo-tension, combined with low blood sugar sounds like a disaster waiting to happen! I think part of the reason that it wasn't as rough of an all-nighter, despite the fact that the night before I got less than 5 hours of sleep, is that I am at such a low dose of seroquel, and therefore wasn't having any seroquel withdrawl effects (which include stomach pain and nausea which has previously happened when I have had to do an all-nighter in the past and the next day when I was catsitting at my sister's place and forgot my seroquel). Plus, I was more careful and didn't eat anything heavy, like I did in December when I had kashi high-protein cereal with milk. I think that was probably what did me in the last time.
And I was sensible and slept for 9.5 hours last night. I think I am going to go to bed relatively soon now, so that I can be up and productive for tomorrow morning, and feel confident about my group presentation on Fluxus (type it into Wikipedia, it is fascinating, but I don't feel like explaining it now).
It was pouring rain today, and really damp and cold, so I am hopeful that tomorrow will be nicer. I am also going to attempt to go to the gym tomorrow after my 20th century class, so I hope that goes well! I MISS RUNNING!!!!!
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
March
March is a difficult month for university students. I think that's pretty much the only way to sum things up! I actually ended up crying at the end of my lesson on monday...I am just so tired of this! My flute instructor felt so bad then, because not only had I started to break down there, but my friend M. had in masterclass just the hour previously! Poor L...
I think the best way to describe it would be "Super Spontaneous Tears Over Nothing".
Tonight, it is time to torture myself. Meaning that I HAVE GOT TO FINISH THIS PAPER ON CARMEN for tomorrow afternoon. Or else I get an F in the course. Not exactly wanting that. This is what happens when the professor makes the paper worth 55% of your grade...
Am I concerned? Yes, I am. Quite. Concerned that I won't get it finished, yes. Concerned that if I do get it finished, it will be in extreme detriment to other things, yes. Like my health. If you recall, the last time I had to work very long hours on a paper, back in December, it kind of messed things up a bit, and was only a few days before the gigantic mess-up. I am concerned that I might have to miss classes to finish this, and with 20th century, I have missed five classes already. So, two of theme were medical appointments, one was music festival, one I was sick (I really was, but not quite in the way that Professor S perhaps thought I was), and then the other one was a combination of mattress-over-mind and studying for philosophy of music because I'd been so messed up and perfectionist-procrastination over it. I also don't want to miss choir, I don't want to miss figuring out presentation stuff with my fellow presenters for friday...
What I want to do is get this paper finished, and not become ill from doing it. The problem is, I don't think I can have it both ways...
I think the best way to describe it would be "Super Spontaneous Tears Over Nothing".
Tonight, it is time to torture myself. Meaning that I HAVE GOT TO FINISH THIS PAPER ON CARMEN for tomorrow afternoon. Or else I get an F in the course. Not exactly wanting that. This is what happens when the professor makes the paper worth 55% of your grade...
Am I concerned? Yes, I am. Quite. Concerned that I won't get it finished, yes. Concerned that if I do get it finished, it will be in extreme detriment to other things, yes. Like my health. If you recall, the last time I had to work very long hours on a paper, back in December, it kind of messed things up a bit, and was only a few days before the gigantic mess-up. I am concerned that I might have to miss classes to finish this, and with 20th century, I have missed five classes already. So, two of theme were medical appointments, one was music festival, one I was sick (I really was, but not quite in the way that Professor S perhaps thought I was), and then the other one was a combination of mattress-over-mind and studying for philosophy of music because I'd been so messed up and perfectionist-procrastination over it. I also don't want to miss choir, I don't want to miss figuring out presentation stuff with my fellow presenters for friday...
What I want to do is get this paper finished, and not become ill from doing it. The problem is, I don't think I can have it both ways...
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Depression/being upset
Due to the large amount of work that I need to get done, I declined going to the symphony tonight, even though I really would like to hear what's being played. I guess I have to settle for my ipod on shuffle (right now on Mahler 1)...this, in conjunction with a bunch of things has led to some pretty intense upsetness/depression setting in this evening. Fortunately, I have gotten a bit better of a handle on it...by listing everything I could think of that was making me upset and unable to work properly.
Starting with the very first on the list, and the main reason:
-I have so much difficulty with breathing and the medical field hasn't helped yet. My chest really bothers me, and I'm sick of having to lie down in the afternoon because I'm tired (this happened again today).
-I don't want to go back to my prescribed dose of seroquel, because I'm terrified that it's going to hurt my heart or make it impossible for me to stay awake/get up.
-I have 3 papers, an exam, a presentation, and my jury coming up in the next three weeks (or thereabouts) and I don't feel good about any of them.
-I am really worried that I will fall apart physically like I did last semester
-I am terrified that if I do my jury I'm going to get nervous like at festival or I will not be able to breathe properly...like at festival.
-I am needing to have some companionship with friends and reach out, but we are all crazy-busy, I hate being needy, and feel bad about burdening them.
-I am really worried about my grade for major practical study.
-I feel like the 20th century report I handed in wasn't very good.
-I am concerned about my grade for small ensemble...
-I am sad that Wind Ensemble is over, perhaps forever for me.
-I am really going to miss N (one of my closest friends since the first day of grade seven) when she goes away (as a positive note...crazy positive note...she found out yesterday that she was accepted to Oxford for her Master's! Not joking in the least!!!!)
-I am concerned about Dad because of the way he's been acting like he's concerned (the way he was going about changing the executors and the will and whatnot with such a sense of urgency, and how he kept talking about it over and over and over again)
-I am worried about hurting my hands/wrists
-I am worried that I seemed irresponsible to M. because I had forgotten about when the call time/dress rehearsal for next sunday's concert is, and sent out an email asking.
-I am worried that my teeth have problems going on.
-I am concerned for my friend S and her health (she's the one with the breast lumps)
-I am worried that my paper might not be accepted by Professor M. and I will be stuck with an F on my transcript.
-I am unsure what to do about summer courses
There is a children's book out there called "When my worries get too big". I've never actually read it, but that's about how I feel right now!!!
However, in all of this, I managed to be productive and came up with a card of my dos and don'ts for being upset.
When I am upset:
Do: Try to identify why Don't: Ignore it
Do: Make a cup of tea Don't: Eat sugary things
Do: Practice or listen to music Don't: Think about all the things my friends have
accomplished this year musically.
Do: Reach out to others by facebook, phone, Don't: Hide away
email or in person
Do: Give myself a few minutes Don't: Beat myself up
Do: Think about all that is good Don't: Compare myself to others
Do: Go for a walk or stretch Don't: Curl up in the dark
Do: Work to get things fixed Don't: Procrastinate further
Do: Pray, blog, write in my journal Don't: Start questioning my faith or friendships
Do: Watch, read or listen to things that I find funny Don't: Participate in things that I know will make
me upset
Starting with the very first on the list, and the main reason:
-I have so much difficulty with breathing and the medical field hasn't helped yet. My chest really bothers me, and I'm sick of having to lie down in the afternoon because I'm tired (this happened again today).
-I don't want to go back to my prescribed dose of seroquel, because I'm terrified that it's going to hurt my heart or make it impossible for me to stay awake/get up.
-I have 3 papers, an exam, a presentation, and my jury coming up in the next three weeks (or thereabouts) and I don't feel good about any of them.
-I am really worried that I will fall apart physically like I did last semester
-I am terrified that if I do my jury I'm going to get nervous like at festival or I will not be able to breathe properly...like at festival.
-I am needing to have some companionship with friends and reach out, but we are all crazy-busy, I hate being needy, and feel bad about burdening them.
-I am really worried about my grade for major practical study.
-I feel like the 20th century report I handed in wasn't very good.
-I am concerned about my grade for small ensemble...
-I am sad that Wind Ensemble is over, perhaps forever for me.
-I am really going to miss N (one of my closest friends since the first day of grade seven) when she goes away (as a positive note...crazy positive note...she found out yesterday that she was accepted to Oxford for her Master's! Not joking in the least!!!!)
-I am concerned about Dad because of the way he's been acting like he's concerned (the way he was going about changing the executors and the will and whatnot with such a sense of urgency, and how he kept talking about it over and over and over again)
-I am worried about hurting my hands/wrists
-I am worried that I seemed irresponsible to M. because I had forgotten about when the call time/dress rehearsal for next sunday's concert is, and sent out an email asking.
-I am worried that my teeth have problems going on.
-I am concerned for my friend S and her health (she's the one with the breast lumps)
-I am worried that my paper might not be accepted by Professor M. and I will be stuck with an F on my transcript.
-I am unsure what to do about summer courses
There is a children's book out there called "When my worries get too big". I've never actually read it, but that's about how I feel right now!!!
However, in all of this, I managed to be productive and came up with a card of my dos and don'ts for being upset.
When I am upset:
Do: Try to identify why Don't: Ignore it
Do: Make a cup of tea Don't: Eat sugary things
Do: Practice or listen to music Don't: Think about all the things my friends have
accomplished this year musically.
Do: Reach out to others by facebook, phone, Don't: Hide away
email or in person
Do: Give myself a few minutes Don't: Beat myself up
Do: Think about all that is good Don't: Compare myself to others
Do: Go for a walk or stretch Don't: Curl up in the dark
Do: Work to get things fixed Don't: Procrastinate further
Do: Pray, blog, write in my journal Don't: Start questioning my faith or friendships
Do: Watch, read or listen to things that I find funny Don't: Participate in things that I know will make
me upset
Friday, March 23, 2012
Rough day
I`m not going to lie on this, today was hard. I can identify some reasons why it was hard, others are a bit less sure. One was that I procrastinated on that concert report last night (but, I at least wasn`t as stressed out about this concert report as I was about the last one...a little grade perspective puts things into reality!), so I stayed up past 4am working on it, and still hadn`t quite completed it when the 25mg of seroquel kicked in and knocked me out. I obviously then was tired at 9am when my alarms woke me up. I don`t like sleeping until 9am, but I obviously was not going to get up at 6:20 if I stayed up until about 4:30! I may be a crazy university student, but I have realized that I have some limits...and those limits are 4 hours of sleep. Otherwise, I am a complete mess physically...and emotionally. Doing that all-nighter back in December really taught me that I unfortunately cannot do them. Although I am still tempted...strongly...to do one this weekend to get this paper on Carmen finished.
That was hard part of the day number two...seeing my professor from that class twice in one day...although we didn`t say a word to each other (besides perhaps hello when we were both waiting in line at the office)...was like a sign to me that I have GOT TO GET MYSELF TOGETHER AND GET THIS PAPER DONE THIS WEEKEND OR ELSE.
Hard part number three: Not feeling so amazing physically. My lungs or throat or trachea or something have really been bothering me today. Just this constant feeling of being, well, yucky or fluid-y. I`m frequently clearing my throat, and I was coughing a bunch earlier, but it wasn`t exactly helping. Everything just starts to ache a little bit, not much, but just a little bit and feel slightly heavy-ish. Taking deep breaths often hurts slightly...
Hard part number four: Forgetting or possibly losing my small ensemble photocopied music somewhere. I ended up at my coaching without it, which is not exactly a good thing. So far, I have yet to find it, which is VERY, VERY strange, so I may have left it in either the upstairs practice room with the purple walls (yes, purple...bright purple...think fuschia purple) from when I was practicing on tuesday or wednesday or who knows where. I`m pretty sure that I was practicing it on tuesday or wednesday, although I suppose I could be wrong, and it could have been left in the room we had our coaching in on tuesday. At least it is just photocopied music, but it has ALL my markings in it. I ended up reading off the real music today and felt like a fish out of water. Very frustrating. And very frustrating, because I DON`T lose things very frequently at all. I felt like an absolute idiot today...
Hard part number five: The concert this evening. For some reason, it was just hard. I guess it was related to the exhaustion and apathy that I was feeling...as were so many of my fellow musicians. We are just wornout and burned out at this point, and the usual music-high that we get basically didn`t happen, even though we were playing good music. It`s possible that that was my last wind ensemble concert, we shall see, but at this point, I`m basically numb, not feeling either a music high or sadness at that possibility.
Hard part number six (and the part that really put me over the edge): I saw my ICM earlier this week (first time since December), and she was concerned over how I was doing. Knowing that I had reduced my dosage of seroquel to 25mg from 125mg, she decided, somewhat on my encouraging, that she should check with the psychiatrist to see if I shouldn`t go back up. Well, the psychiatrist says that I should. BUT I DO NOT WANT TO. To me, at this point, the risks outweigh the minimal benefit that might come of it. Her words on the phone message were that with exams and things coming, she didn`t want me to be dealing with any additional anxiety or depression...and that she didn`t want the kids I teach to see me different. Well, I don`t think they would, for one thing. I can say that when I am teaching, I am basically able to block out everything else, and just focus in on what I am doing. So that is not an issue.
My two main reasons for not wanting to increase the dosage:
-If I am still getting knocked out with only 25mg and still having fatigue during the day-even when I am getting more sleep-to the point where I have to lie down, then taking 125mg is going to make me a zombie. Not exactly something I want during the time of year where I need to have the most energy.
-cardiac risks. I know that I have episodes of reduced blood pressure, seroquel is known to increase this. I even got told that seroquel can cause things by the internal medicine specialist. I know that I have a messed up valve, I`m not looking to mess things up further. Let`s just say I don`t want to play around with my heart.
Her words about potassium were cryptic, but in my books the potassium is not really an issue. 3.3 is low, but it is NOT low enough to cause problems. The reasons she gave as possibilities (this is coming from the psychiatrist through my ICM via phone message) did not apply. I had been unable to exercise, I certainly hadn`t been sweating much...you get the picture. The only possibility that I can see for a reduced number is over-hydration, but if I don`t drink that much, my head doesn`t feel clear, my mouth gets dry, my kidneys hurt...
Tonight, I just want to cry...
That was hard part of the day number two...seeing my professor from that class twice in one day...although we didn`t say a word to each other (besides perhaps hello when we were both waiting in line at the office)...was like a sign to me that I have GOT TO GET MYSELF TOGETHER AND GET THIS PAPER DONE THIS WEEKEND OR ELSE.
Hard part number three: Not feeling so amazing physically. My lungs or throat or trachea or something have really been bothering me today. Just this constant feeling of being, well, yucky or fluid-y. I`m frequently clearing my throat, and I was coughing a bunch earlier, but it wasn`t exactly helping. Everything just starts to ache a little bit, not much, but just a little bit and feel slightly heavy-ish. Taking deep breaths often hurts slightly...
Hard part number four: Forgetting or possibly losing my small ensemble photocopied music somewhere. I ended up at my coaching without it, which is not exactly a good thing. So far, I have yet to find it, which is VERY, VERY strange, so I may have left it in either the upstairs practice room with the purple walls (yes, purple...bright purple...think fuschia purple) from when I was practicing on tuesday or wednesday or who knows where. I`m pretty sure that I was practicing it on tuesday or wednesday, although I suppose I could be wrong, and it could have been left in the room we had our coaching in on tuesday. At least it is just photocopied music, but it has ALL my markings in it. I ended up reading off the real music today and felt like a fish out of water. Very frustrating. And very frustrating, because I DON`T lose things very frequently at all. I felt like an absolute idiot today...
Hard part number five: The concert this evening. For some reason, it was just hard. I guess it was related to the exhaustion and apathy that I was feeling...as were so many of my fellow musicians. We are just wornout and burned out at this point, and the usual music-high that we get basically didn`t happen, even though we were playing good music. It`s possible that that was my last wind ensemble concert, we shall see, but at this point, I`m basically numb, not feeling either a music high or sadness at that possibility.
Hard part number six (and the part that really put me over the edge): I saw my ICM earlier this week (first time since December), and she was concerned over how I was doing. Knowing that I had reduced my dosage of seroquel to 25mg from 125mg, she decided, somewhat on my encouraging, that she should check with the psychiatrist to see if I shouldn`t go back up. Well, the psychiatrist says that I should. BUT I DO NOT WANT TO. To me, at this point, the risks outweigh the minimal benefit that might come of it. Her words on the phone message were that with exams and things coming, she didn`t want me to be dealing with any additional anxiety or depression...and that she didn`t want the kids I teach to see me different. Well, I don`t think they would, for one thing. I can say that when I am teaching, I am basically able to block out everything else, and just focus in on what I am doing. So that is not an issue.
My two main reasons for not wanting to increase the dosage:
-If I am still getting knocked out with only 25mg and still having fatigue during the day-even when I am getting more sleep-to the point where I have to lie down, then taking 125mg is going to make me a zombie. Not exactly something I want during the time of year where I need to have the most energy.
-cardiac risks. I know that I have episodes of reduced blood pressure, seroquel is known to increase this. I even got told that seroquel can cause things by the internal medicine specialist. I know that I have a messed up valve, I`m not looking to mess things up further. Let`s just say I don`t want to play around with my heart.
Her words about potassium were cryptic, but in my books the potassium is not really an issue. 3.3 is low, but it is NOT low enough to cause problems. The reasons she gave as possibilities (this is coming from the psychiatrist through my ICM via phone message) did not apply. I had been unable to exercise, I certainly hadn`t been sweating much...you get the picture. The only possibility that I can see for a reduced number is over-hydration, but if I don`t drink that much, my head doesn`t feel clear, my mouth gets dry, my kidneys hurt...
Tonight, I just want to cry...
Flute Sonatas of J. S. Bach
At the start of the eighteenth century, an upsurge in the popularity of the transverse flute began, with the first published collection for the instrument appearing in 1703.[i] Despite the difficulties in both tuning and technique that the transverse baroque flute presented, many well known composers embraced the instrument and composed works for solo flute, including Telemann, Vivaldi, Quantz, C.P.E. Bach and J. S. Bach. For many flute players, the works for solo flute by J. S. Bach constitute an important aspect of both education and performance. Beginning with the unique Unaccompanied Flute Partita in A minor (BWV 1013), the oldest copy of which dates from approximately 1722/23, a total of eight works for solo flute are widely attributed to J. S. Bach.[ii] In contradiction to the commonly held belief that Bach composed the majority of his instrumental works (with the exception of the organ works) between 1717 and 1723 in Kothen where he served as Kapellmeister[iii], the possible dating of the flute works span a period of more than twenty years, beginning with the A minor Partita and concluding with the Sonata in E major (BWV 1035), which is believed to have been composed between 1741 and 1747.[iv] Although many of the flute works attributed to J. S. Bach have faced intense scrutiny as to their authenticity, separately and as a whole, they provide a significant study into both the works of J. S. Bach and Baroque instrumental works.
Unlike many composers of the Baroque era, J. S. Bach did not generally employ the popular ‘Sonata for solo instrument and thorough Bass’, as it “did not present any particular challenge to his ingenuity”[v], and in those works that did, Geiringer describes the approach as “[revealing] a somewhat aloof attitude towards this kind of music”.[vi] Instead, the four-movement Italian Sonata da Chiesa is found in several of the trio flute sonatas and some of the solo flute sonatas.[vii] The exceptions amongst the solo flute sonatas include the works most in question in regards to authenticity-Sonata in C Major (BWV 1033), Sonata in G Minor (BWV 1020) and Sonata in E flat Major (BWV 1031)-and the Sonata in A Major (BWV 1032), for which it is uncertain whether the manuscript that is available is complete. In using the Sonata da Chiesa form, the flute sonatas of J. S. Bach frequently differ from those of earlier models in the parts for harpsichord, with parts that are frequently elaborated, creating a partnership between the flute and the harpsichord that is much more equal than previously seen,[viii] sometimes going so far as to briefly have the harpsichord as the leading voice with flute accompaniment. As well, the sonatas often combine elements of the concerto style, such as da capo and rondo forms, and long solo sections.[ix] Finally, the flute works (even the Unaccompanied Partita) generally follow the J. S. Bach practice of rarely having a single melody accompanied by harmony that later became standard practice with the Viennese School of classical composers.[x]
Following the Unaccompanied Partita, it is believed that the Sonata in E Minor (BWV 1034) was the first solo flute sonata composed by J. S. Bach, with the principle manuscript dating from c.1726.[xi] As observed by Marshall, the texture of the Sonata in E minor, “scored as it is for basso continuo”, is more closely related to the “impure” texture of the continuo-accompanied arias with obbligato flute than to the “pure”, “clean” texture of J. S. Bach’s mature duo sonatas from the 1717-1723 Kothen period. Thus, Marshall draws the conclusion that the Sonata in E Minor was likely composed in Leipzig during 1724.[xii] Following common practice, the Sonata in E Minor follows the typical Sonata da Chiesa pattern noted in the flute Sonatas of J. S. Bach, with the tempos indicated as Adagio ma non tanto, Allegro, Andante, and Allegro. The Allegro sections are quite comparable in rhythm despite the first being in 2/2 and the second in 3/4 time, in particular with the beginnings of important phrases, which employ two sixteenth notes beginning on the off-beat as pick-up notes followed by an eighth or eighth note, as shown below.
Melodically, the first Allegro (mvt 2) features more arpeggiation than the second Allegro (mvt 4), which contains more scalar passages, although still using some degree of arpeggiation. Both movements feature a great deal of repetition (including direct repetition), especially in measures 40-47 of mvt 2, which is a constant sixteenth-note passage traveling via arpeggiation through the keys of B minor, E minor, A minor and D major before returning to the main melodic figure in E minor in measure 48. In mvt 4, seven measures (measures 13, 15, 17, 58, 60, 62 and 64) feature the same note repeated in eight notes for the entire measure (totalling six notes with the first often an octave below). In contrast, mvts 1 and 3, with the exception of a similar tempo, have several marked differences including rhythms, key, and the basic melodic figures used. According to Geiringer, the Sonata in E Minor “must have enjoyed great popularity”[xiii] as a comparatively large number of manuscript copies have survived. For modern performers, the Sonata in E minor is frequently performed, and remains one of the most popular of the sonatas, perhaps due to the balance of contrasts and similarities between the four movements, which is not present in all of the sonatas.
Of the solo sonatas considered by most scholars to be authentic, the Sonata in B Minor (BWV 1030) appears to date from approximately 1736, placing it as the next oldest after the Sonata in E minor.[xiv] As with many works of J. S. Bach, there is strong evidence to suggest that the current work is a revision of one or more earlier compositions. For instance, Klaus Hofmann, as noted by Gregory Butler, demonstrated that flute line of the Sonata in B Minor was originally composed for violin.[xv] As well, a G minor version of the harpsichord part for the Sonata in B minor has survived, with an estimated dating of c.1729-31. Long considered to be the most challenging of the solo flute sonatas (in particular due to the third movement), it is believed that the Sonata in B Minor was revised for the great court flautist Buffardin, whose greatest strength according to Quantz was in playing rapid pieces. [xvi] It is also possible that the Sonata in B Minor was revised for Quantz, who was also a court flautist.[xvii]
Unlike the Sonata in E minor, the Sonata in B Minor is in three movements, beginning with a long and expressive Andante of approximately eight minutes (the longest of any movement in the solo flute sonatas), which uses a ritornello form as the basis for the structure.[xviii] Similar to the Sonata in E Minor, the Andante features several sections of direct repetition, including the vocally inspired opening two-bar melodic figure, which is noted to resemble the opening chorus figure of Cantata no. 117 (originally in G major and scored with flutes).[xix] However, a great deal more variety is used amongst either melodic or rhythmic figures than in the Sonata in E minor, or any of the other solo flute sonatas. Whereas the Sonatas in E minor and E Major (BWV 1035) rhythmically consist mainly of sixteenth notes throughout, the first movement of the Sonata in B Minor features numerous passages of thirty-second notes, eighth-notes, and, with the exception of the first movement of the Sonata in E major, is the only sonata to contain triplet sixteenth notes. Of particular note is the great focus on short-long rhythms, as seen in the opening two-bar figure.[xx] Along with other aspects, the many different rhythmic figures contribute to the overall difficulty of the Sonata in B minor. In addition, the first movement features several distinct melodic figures that recur throughout, but lack the degree of development that is seen of melodic figures in many of the other sonatas, such as the development from measures 40-48 in mvt 2 of the Sonata in E minor. This in particular separates the Sonata in B Minor from much of the Baroque instrumental repertoire, including other pieces by J. S. Bach such as the Preludes and Fugues of the Well-Tempered Clavier, which almost invariably a limited number of melodic figures that develop for long sections.
Subsequent to the Andante, a shorter second movement, with a tempo marking of Largo e dolce follows in a siciliano-like style comparable to the slow third movement of the Sonata in E Major, and the second movement of the Sonata in E flat Major (BWV 1031). Similarities between the three movements include the common 6/8 time signature and the use of the dotted-eighth, sixteenth, eighth rhythm as part of the opening figure in each. However, the Sonata in B Minor varies from the Sonatas in E Major and E flat Major in the use of repeat signs (found at measures eight and sixteen) as well as rhythmically in the frequent use of faster thirty-second note passages and, as in the first movement, the short-long rhythm. In comparison to the first movement, the second features a greater range of melodic development.
Differing from any of the other sonatas, the final movement of the Sonata in B Minor is divided into two different sections with different time signatures. For some scholars, the two sections are referred to as separate movements, however, in the Urtext der Neuen Bach-Ausgabe (Urtext of the New Bach Edition) and on most recordings, the two sections are seen as different parts of the same movement, with the tempo notated as Presto. The first section is notated in 2/2, and the second section in 12/16, however, there is no change in the overall tempo feeling despite the change in rhythmic notation. As seen in the first and second movements, the second section contains numerous incidences of the short-long rhythm, generally through the use of register to create syncopation, as shown in the example below.
Like the second movement, the third movement features greater melodic development than the first movement, such as the development seen in measures 106-109, which is mirrored by a similar passage at measures 130-133. In terms of melodic development, these two passages are reminiscent of the previously discussed passage in mvt 2 of the Sonata in E Minor from measures 40-48 in the number of keys that are played through arpeggiation. Together, the three movements of the Sonata in B Minor present an extraordinary work with many progressive elements, and is an exceptional example of Bach’s instrumental works.
At approximately the same time, the Sonata in A Major (BWV 1032) was composed, likely for the same court flautist as the Sonata in B Minor (Buffardin or Quantz),[xxi] or in an alternate proposal, for the flautist Christoph Mizler, whose renewed presence in Leipzig coincides with the possible dating of the Sonata in A Major.[xxii] The Sonata in A Major is unique amongst all the sonatas of J. S. Bach in that the same tonic is retained for all three movements, which has led some, such as Hans Eppstein to speculate that the outer movements were originally in C major; this is supported in part by the range of the harpsichord part.[xxiii] Although not controversial in terms of authenticity as a work of J. S. Bach, the Sonata in A Major has faced a great deal of scrutiny in terms of completion and history. A common belief is that the existing manuscript copy of the Sonata in A Major has approximately fifty measures of the first movement missing.[xxiv] The existing manuscript, although a “neatly penned fair copy” for movements one and two, contains substantial markings of corrections in all the instrumental parts of the third movement. These markings further support the belief that the movement was originally in C major.[xxv] In comparison to the other solo flute sonatas, the Sonata in A Major closely resembles a concerto in form, with the suggestion raised by Boyd that the original version was a flute concerto with the outer movements in C major, and the middle movement in A minor (as was retained in the current sonata).[xxvi] Many scholars, including Eppstein, have been extremely critical of the Sonata in A Major, in particular the first movement, with the “lack of polyphonic intensity, the thin texture, and the careless compositional technique, such as the redundant E major cadences in measures 33 and 35”.[xxvii] Although little is known about the popularity of the Sonata in A Major at the time of composition, it remains the least played by modern flautists.
Three sonatas in particular have faced many challenges in regards to their authenticity as works of J. S. Bach. The first of these challenged works, the Sonata in C Major (BWV 1033), features a unique form that has raised many questions. To begin, the first two movements feature rudimentary bass parts[xxviii] against a nearly continuous flute line (very few rests are present), which is not seen in any of the other solo sonatas. Besides the style of the first two movements, a great deal of scrutiny has been placed on the final portion of the Sonata, the two minuets, which vary greatly in character. From this, the conclusion drawn by Eppstein is that the Sonata in C Major was likely written by two students of J. S. Bach.[xxix] Perhaps the most reasonable conclusion, drawn by Marshall is that the Sonata in C Major originated as an unaccompanied partita for solo flute, as the style of the first two movements has much greater similarities to other unaccompanied partitas by Bach than the other solo flute sonatas. It is possible that the Sonata in C Major, as an unaccompanied partita, may have been composed around the same time as the Unaccompanied Partita in A Minor, perhaps as a counterpart to it. Marshall’s hypothesis also offers that C. P. E. Bach may have been assigned the exercise of arranging the ‘Unaccompanied Partita in C’ for flute and continuo or harpsichord, a hypothesis supported by the proof of other arrangements by C. P. E. Bach.[xxx] Although the evidence is not conclusive, the style and stand-alone nature of the flute line in the first two movements of the Sonata in C Major do seem to indicate that, at the very least, the work was originally for unaccompanied flute.
Like the Sonata in C Major, the Sonata in G Minor (BWV 1020) and the Sonata in E Flat Major (BWV 1031) have faced great scrutiny as to their authenticity. Of similar style, the two sonatas have long been criticized for what has been referred to as “unBachian” elements, including the “thumping basses, the triadic, galant-sounding melodies, [and] the short-breathed phrases”.[xxxi] In particular, numerous ‘short-breathed phrases’ can be found in the first and third movements of both sonatas, a practice not noted in any of the other five. A number of comparisons have been made between the Sonata in E flat Major and the sonatas of Quantz (in particular the Trio Sonata QV 2:18), suggesting to some that the Sonata in E Flat Major could possibly be by Quantz.[xxxii] Marshall has drawn two possible conclusions, the first being the possibility of the compositions being of C. P. E. Bach and the second, the possibility that the galant-style noted above should not be a challenge to the authenticity of the Sonata in E Flat Major, but an indication of the possible dating, as other works composed by J. S. Bach in the 1730’s and 1740’s featured a galant-style.[xxxiii] Although the second option is a possibility, the highly likely dating 1741-1747 for the Sonata in E Major (BWV 1035), which features a vastly different style from the Sonatas in G Minor and E Flat Major, presents some difficulties. Overall, the Sonatas in G Minor and E Flat Major are generally considered to be the easiest of the solo flute works, and are generally the first works of J. S. Bach studied by flute players. While their authenticity may be uncertain, their popularity is not, in particular the Sonata in E Flat Major, which is frequently performed, and includes several easily recognizable melodies in all three movements.
As was the case with many of the works by J. S. Bach, the flute works, although evidently successful in their time, disappeared from prominence for more than a century. It was not until the late 19th century that Paul Taffanel, a professor of flute at the Paris conservatory revived many works from the Baroque and Classical eras, including the flute sonatas of J. S. Bach and the Mozart Concerti as “alternatives to the trash of his own century”,[xxxiv] thus providing new generations with the challenges and genius of the works. Although there may never be certainty as to the legitimacy of some of the flute works attributed to J. S. Bach, there will never be any uncertainty to the popularity and value of the works to flautists, and it is likely that they will continue to be performed and studied in perpetuity.
[i] Raymond Meylan. The Flute. Trans. Alfred Clayton. London: B. T. Batsford Ltd, 1988. Pg 102.
[ii] Robert L. Marshall. The Music of Johann Sebastian Bach: The Sources, The Style, The Significance. New York: Schrimer Books, 1989. Pg 202.
[iii] Robert L. Marshall. The Music of Johann Sebastian Bach: The Sources, The Style, The Significance. New York: Schrimer Books, 1989. Pg 210.
[iv] Robert L. Marshall. The Music of Johann Sebastian Bach: The Sources, The Style, The Significance. New York: Schrimer Books, 1989. Pg 220.
[v] Karl Geiringer and Irene Geiringer. Johann Sebastian Bach: The Culmination of an Era. New York: Oxford University Press, 1966. Pg 302.
[vi] Ibid. Pg 302.
[vii] Nancy Toff. The Flute Book: A Complete Guide for Students and Performers. 2nd Ed. New York: Oxford University Press, 1996. Pg 209.
[viii] Ibid. Pg 209.
[ix] Karl Geiringer and Irene Geiringer. Johann Sebastian Bach: The Culmination of an Era. New York: Oxford University Press, 1966. Pg 312.
[x] Klaus Edam. The True Life of Johann Sebastian Bach. Trans Hoyt Rogers. New York: Basic Books, 2000. Pg 127.
[xi] Robert L. Marshall. The Music of Johann Sebastian Bach: The Sources, The Style, The Significance. New York: Schrimer Books, 1989. Pg 209.
[xii] Ibid. Pg 215-216.
[xiii] Karl Geiringer and Irene Geiringer. Johann Sebastian Bach: The Culmination of an Era. New York: Oxford University Press, 1966. Pg 303.
[xiv] Robert L. Marshall. The Music of Johann Sebastian Bach: The Sources, The Style, The Significance. New York: Schrimer Books, 1989. Pg 216.
[xv] Gregory G. Butler, ed. Bach Perspectives V6: J. S. Bach’s Concerted Ensemble Music, The Ouverture. Chicago: University of Illinois Press, 2007. Pgs 57-58.
[xvi] Robert L. Marshall. The Music of Johann Sebastian Bach: The Sources, The Style, The Significance. New York: Schrimer Books, 1989. Pg 216-217.
[xvii] Peter Williams. J. S. Bach: A Life in Music. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 2007. Pg 209.
[xviii] Malcolm Boyd. The Master Musicians: Bach. New York: Oxford University Press, 2000. Pg 100.
[xix] Robert L. Marshall. The Music of Johann Sebastian Bach: The Sources, The Style, The Significance. New York: Schrimer Books, 1989. Pg 216.
[xx] Gerhard Herz. Essays on J. S. Bach. “Lombard Rhythms in Bach’s Vocal Music”. Studies in Musicology, No. 73. George Buelow, Series ed. Ann Arbor: UMI Research Press, 1985. Pg 260.
[xxi] Robert L. Marshall. The Music of Johann Sebastian Bach: The Sources, The Style, The Significance. New York: Schrimer Books, 1989. Pg 209.
[xxii] Gregory G. Butler, ed. Bach Perspectives V6: J. S. Bach’s Concerted Ensemble Music, The Ouverture. Chicago: University of Illinois Press, 2007. Pg 53.
[xxiii] Ibid. Pg 217-218.
[xxiv] Karl Geiringer and Irene Geiringer. Johann Sebastian Bach: The Culmination of an Era. New York: Oxford University Press, 1966. Pg 314.
[xxv] Robert L. Marshall. The Music of Johann Sebastian Bach: The Sources, The Style, The Significance. New York: Schrimer Books, 1989. Pg 218.
[xxvi] Malcolm Boyd. The Master Musicians: Bach. New York: Oxford University Press, 2000. Pg 99.
[xxvii] Robert L. Marshall. The Music of Johann Sebastian Bach: The Sources, The Style, The Significance. New York: Schrimer Books, 1989. Pg 218.
[xxviii] Ibid. Pg 204.
[xxix] Ibid. Pg 204.
[xxx] Ibid. Pg 207.
[xxxi] Ibid. Pg 207.
[xxxii] Peter Williams. J.S.Bach: A Life in Music. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 2007. Pg 243.
[xxxiii] Robert L. Marshall. The Music of Johann Sebastian Bach: The Sources, The Style, The Significance. New York: Schrimer Books, 1989. Pg 208.
[xxxiv] Nancy Toff. The Development of the Modern Flute. New York: Taplinger Publishing Company, 1979. Pg 125.
*Personally, I felt that my paper was somewhat disjunct and could have flowed a bit better or been more thesis driven, but I am not going to scoff at the A grade I received. Now I just want to know whether I received an A or A+ in the course. I know that before this paper, I was sitting at an A+...sort of. Meaning that I was technically at a C I (incomplete), but given that the paper was 25% of the final grade, that meant that I had lost less than 5% of my total grade, making it an A+. Hopefully, that will come online in the next couple of days. Now to complete:
2-3 page concert report on the new music concert I attended this past weekend (this is due in 14 hours)
10-page paper on Carmen for Opera History
Group presentation for 20th century on Fluxuus
3-5 page paper on Fluxuus
? length paper for Philosophy of Music-I am going to write about the Norton Lectures that Bernstein gave (recall my presentation a few weeks ago)
JURY...
Final exam for 20th century.
...and then I will be done. I am not sure how many credits I have left before I finish my Bachelor of Music degree, but it is not that many at this point. Maybe 12 or 15? Not sure, and not sure exactly which requirements I still have to do. I know that I need to take a theory course, which will be Orchestration, and I know that I need to do my major area paper, but besides that, I think it is pretty much up to me. I am looking forward to a different schedule next year, but I am not sure how it will work out. My HOPE is that I can have my courses more clustered together, and early in the day. Who knows. Whatever happens, I am really going to work hard for that balance that is so important, and one that I really have neglected this year.
My brain is utterly illogical!
My brain is utterly illogical. Instead of working on my two-page concert report, which is really a simple task, I instead did more online research about bicuspid aortic valves, and aortic insufficiency. Oh, and asthma...see why my brain is illogical? Perhaps it's just a VERY frustrated brain. If I have not received a letter letting me know my next appointment date with Dr. H by tomorrow, I am going to phone, because things are clearly not getting better, and I need to know what is going on.
Did I mention that I am also terrified of my body/mind falling apart on me in the next couple of weeks like it did at the end of last semester? NOT wanting that to happen. I deferred things once, I DO NOT want to defer them again!
On a plus note about today, I received the mark back for my Research Methods paper, and I got an A. My professor is somewhat funny though...she is the ONLY professor/teacher I know that can somehow make you feel like you didn't do well when you get an A! Here are her comments that she wrote in the email I received this afternoon...
I have marked your final paper and you received an A. I would like to sit down and chat with you about your paper and writing in general. I know that we are all very busy at this time year (me too), but I am willing to meet with you and have a half hour chat. If this is not possible, I will mail your paper back to N [the secretary in the Music office] and you will be able to pick it up in a few days. If you would like to get together, perhaps you can call me and we can set up a convenient time. My phone number is xxx-xxxx
It's the second sentence that makes me nervous! For some reason, I feel like attaching the paper, so I am going to put that in a separate post.
Did I mention that I am also terrified of my body/mind falling apart on me in the next couple of weeks like it did at the end of last semester? NOT wanting that to happen. I deferred things once, I DO NOT want to defer them again!
On a plus note about today, I received the mark back for my Research Methods paper, and I got an A. My professor is somewhat funny though...she is the ONLY professor/teacher I know that can somehow make you feel like you didn't do well when you get an A! Here are her comments that she wrote in the email I received this afternoon...
I have marked your final paper and you received an A. I would like to sit down and chat with you about your paper and writing in general. I know that we are all very busy at this time year (me too), but I am willing to meet with you and have a half hour chat. If this is not possible, I will mail your paper back to N [the secretary in the Music office] and you will be able to pick it up in a few days. If you would like to get together, perhaps you can call me and we can set up a convenient time. My phone number is xxx-xxxx
It's the second sentence that makes me nervous! For some reason, I feel like attaching the paper, so I am going to put that in a separate post.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
The final days of semester
The final days of semester, particularly winter semester, are quite challenging for university music students. Okay, all students in general, but music students have the added stress of Juries. For the jury, a music student must play for a certain period of time-20 or 30 minutes at my university, depending what year you are in-for a panel of a few members of the faculty. They then grade you, and this one space of 30 minutes makes up 60% of your mark for Major Practical Study, which is a full 6 credit hours of your year. Needless to say, it is something that you are preparing for all year, and do not want to mess up on! My first and third year juries went pretty well, my second year jury, not quite as well, but still okay. This year...I have no clue what is going to happen. I know my music, that is not the issue. What is the issue is my breathing, and now my irrational fear of getting nervous again. Okay, perhaps not entirely irrational. But I basically did NOT get nervous when performing on my flute until this past music festival, and it was an issue.
Each day this week I have come home hoping, praying, and expecting to find a letter from the hospital letting me know when my next appointment with the internal medicine specialist is. Given that we have now pretty much ruled out asthma...I NEED to know. My second-worst nightmare has basically come true, in that my flute playing has been seriously affected at times. Not to mention that it's frustrating and even downright frightening at other times.
Basically, today was one of those days when you get in a mood where you want to punch something and cry, all at the same time. It was probably around choir that I began wanting something very special, that I can never have again. My mom's hug. Now, to clarify on this...if my mom was alive, she wouldn't be aware of how stressed I felt...that just would not be something I told her. But that doesn't stop my brain and heart from wanting the best feeling in the world...
As I have been saying to people...
4 papers
3 recitals/concerts
1 presentation
1 exam
1 jury.
April 18th, I will be finished. This is both terrifying (in that it is so close), and relieving...
Off to bed...with books to do research for one of my papers...
Each day this week I have come home hoping, praying, and expecting to find a letter from the hospital letting me know when my next appointment with the internal medicine specialist is. Given that we have now pretty much ruled out asthma...I NEED to know. My second-worst nightmare has basically come true, in that my flute playing has been seriously affected at times. Not to mention that it's frustrating and even downright frightening at other times.
Basically, today was one of those days when you get in a mood where you want to punch something and cry, all at the same time. It was probably around choir that I began wanting something very special, that I can never have again. My mom's hug. Now, to clarify on this...if my mom was alive, she wouldn't be aware of how stressed I felt...that just would not be something I told her. But that doesn't stop my brain and heart from wanting the best feeling in the world...
As I have been saying to people...
4 papers
3 recitals/concerts
1 presentation
1 exam
1 jury.
April 18th, I will be finished. This is both terrifying (in that it is so close), and relieving...
Off to bed...with books to do research for one of my papers...
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.
A few years ago I heard that phrase, but I never imagined it would apply to me, and certainly not at this point in my life. Until November, I really did consider myself to be quite healthy. Sure, I was short, and sure I'd struggled with anxiety/depression/ED-NOS...but physically, I was fine. I could run, I hadn't had anything more than a cold in four years (not since Nov 2007 when I had bronchitis), and there was nothing that was really warning me that something was about to happen. It all came about with a bit of a bang, so to speak. When it comes down to it, I guess I have a habit of having things be 'spectacular', whether good or bad. December 7th was definitely a spectacular bad example of this habit.
I know that I am blessed, and that God is with me...but at times like this, when I struggle to get breathing properly, and I'm feeling so frustrated and hopeless, and unsure (should I phone my family doctor and set up an appointment? would that do anything? Am I allowed to phone my internal medicine specialist and mention that things are getting worse, not better? Are they going to be sending me a letter to let me know of another appointment time given that they will very soon-if not already-have the negative results from the asthma test?), I feel very alone, frustrated, frightened...
I just want to be ME again, the ME I was before November 14th when things first started to go wrong (although that was the day my stomach started going wrong, my lungs were the next day). Playing my flute is, well, it's ME. Nothing, nothing, NOTHING is more frustrating than when I cannot play my flute properly because of my breathing. And I sound like a broken record, but this is how it is.
As I dealt with things with my mom before-the unsurety of things-I am now dealing with that myself. Obviously, this is a different situation, and it is not (right now) life or death.
Random bible verse for tonight: Luke 6:27-28 "Later, as Jesus left the town, he saw a tax collector named Levi sitting at his tax-collection booth. "Come, be my disciple!" Jesus said to him. So Levi got up, left everything, and followed him."
I know that I am blessed, and that God is with me...but at times like this, when I struggle to get breathing properly, and I'm feeling so frustrated and hopeless, and unsure (should I phone my family doctor and set up an appointment? would that do anything? Am I allowed to phone my internal medicine specialist and mention that things are getting worse, not better? Are they going to be sending me a letter to let me know of another appointment time given that they will very soon-if not already-have the negative results from the asthma test?), I feel very alone, frustrated, frightened...
I just want to be ME again, the ME I was before November 14th when things first started to go wrong (although that was the day my stomach started going wrong, my lungs were the next day). Playing my flute is, well, it's ME. Nothing, nothing, NOTHING is more frustrating than when I cannot play my flute properly because of my breathing. And I sound like a broken record, but this is how it is.
As I dealt with things with my mom before-the unsurety of things-I am now dealing with that myself. Obviously, this is a different situation, and it is not (right now) life or death.
Random bible verse for tonight: Luke 6:27-28 "Later, as Jesus left the town, he saw a tax collector named Levi sitting at his tax-collection booth. "Come, be my disciple!" Jesus said to him. So Levi got up, left everything, and followed him."
Thursday, March 15, 2012
...and again...
And again, I find myself working on my paper in a squatting position. Upside? I breathe better this way. Downside? It's somewhat uncomfortable in other ways. At least I am writing in my bedroom at home, with my door shut, where no one else can see me.
Today hasn't been all that bad, all things considered. I was able to breathe pretty well for my small ensemble coaching at 11:30-12:30, even though I was standing almost the whole time. I did have some issues in Wind Ensemble, but changing positions a bit seemed to help some of the time...my new way to get at least one or two normal deep breaths without seeming strange is to pretend to stretch downwards. Well, okay, I actually am stretching, but that is not the main purpose for me! I can do this from my chair as well, it's not quite as good as when I stand up and then bend forward, but it helps a bit. I can't do the sitting squat position that I figured out in choir yesterday because my conductor is a bit more stringent on posture (and I can't blame him), but sometimes leaning forward a bit helps, or even just moving from side to side or something. None of these help immensely, but getting one satisfactory breath every so often is enough to be 'okay'.
The shocker today was that I COULD NOT get the water bottle-your basic Aquafina water bottle-that I bought because I couldn't find my metal water bottle open no matter how hard I tried with both of my hands. I had to ask someone to help. It brought back some bad memories of how my mom couldn't open pop cans, or the bottles of her Ensure, or anything like that. And by bad memories, I mean BAD memories. It was almost harder watching my mom become dependant than it was when she actually died. Yet, there I am this afternoon, having to get someone to open my water bottle. Did I mention that I am a very independent sort of person? I was the 2 year old who, when offered two choices of outfits would pick a third one-a perfectly acceptable one, mind you-and insist upon it! I refused to let my friend help me move a little table once because I had to prove I was independent and could move it on my own, which in the end resulted in my first incident of self-harm (I was barely 7 years old, if that) as I once wrote about.
I did have a couple of unexpected headaches today, one that started near the end of my small ensemble coaching, but was cured with tylenol and then one that started after I finished teaching tonight and was on my way to my piano lesson. It made me a little less successful than usual, but these things happen from time to time.
I'm still just plain frustrated with myself, and with the hurry-up-and-wait of the medical system. Yes, I am VERY VERY VERY VERY glad that I have universal healthcare. Did I mention that I appreciate it a TON? And I appreciate the internal medicine specialist that I was referred to. But, what I am frustrated at is this general picture that has developed:
-heart guys (the internal medicine specialist) thinks it's my lungs
-respiratory therapists thinks it's my heart.
See the issue? I don't care what it comes down to, so long as I can breathe! There is little that is more frustrating and frightening than having difficulty breathing.
Today hasn't been all that bad, all things considered. I was able to breathe pretty well for my small ensemble coaching at 11:30-12:30, even though I was standing almost the whole time. I did have some issues in Wind Ensemble, but changing positions a bit seemed to help some of the time...my new way to get at least one or two normal deep breaths without seeming strange is to pretend to stretch downwards. Well, okay, I actually am stretching, but that is not the main purpose for me! I can do this from my chair as well, it's not quite as good as when I stand up and then bend forward, but it helps a bit. I can't do the sitting squat position that I figured out in choir yesterday because my conductor is a bit more stringent on posture (and I can't blame him), but sometimes leaning forward a bit helps, or even just moving from side to side or something. None of these help immensely, but getting one satisfactory breath every so often is enough to be 'okay'.
The shocker today was that I COULD NOT get the water bottle-your basic Aquafina water bottle-that I bought because I couldn't find my metal water bottle open no matter how hard I tried with both of my hands. I had to ask someone to help. It brought back some bad memories of how my mom couldn't open pop cans, or the bottles of her Ensure, or anything like that. And by bad memories, I mean BAD memories. It was almost harder watching my mom become dependant than it was when she actually died. Yet, there I am this afternoon, having to get someone to open my water bottle. Did I mention that I am a very independent sort of person? I was the 2 year old who, when offered two choices of outfits would pick a third one-a perfectly acceptable one, mind you-and insist upon it! I refused to let my friend help me move a little table once because I had to prove I was independent and could move it on my own, which in the end resulted in my first incident of self-harm (I was barely 7 years old, if that) as I once wrote about.
I did have a couple of unexpected headaches today, one that started near the end of my small ensemble coaching, but was cured with tylenol and then one that started after I finished teaching tonight and was on my way to my piano lesson. It made me a little less successful than usual, but these things happen from time to time.
I'm still just plain frustrated with myself, and with the hurry-up-and-wait of the medical system. Yes, I am VERY VERY VERY VERY glad that I have universal healthcare. Did I mention that I appreciate it a TON? And I appreciate the internal medicine specialist that I was referred to. But, what I am frustrated at is this general picture that has developed:
-heart guys (the internal medicine specialist) thinks it's my lungs
-respiratory therapists thinks it's my heart.
See the issue? I don't care what it comes down to, so long as I can breathe! There is little that is more frustrating and frightening than having difficulty breathing.
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