Some days, I believe myself when I say to people that I'm fine, good, all those standard responses. What people really expect you to say. That's the thing-almost everyone EXPECTS you to say those...what do you say otherwise, really? Other times, I feel like it was just yesterday, even though it has been three months and three days since I last saw my mom at all, in the funeral home, in the standard box before cremation. She was wearing her red ramm tai-chi shirt and the ancient sweat pants that were practically about to fall apart. My only consolation at that point was that they'd managed to close her eyes and mouth, instead of the empy, lifeless stare during that last time in the hospital. Perhaps today has been somewhat difficult because my dad and I did some cleaning. Not getting rid of anything, merely dusting the top of her dresser and getting rid of some garbage on top. Okay, I suppose we did get rid of a few things, such as the old hair brush and comb, that kind of thing. And we didn't just clean that, we also cleaned the top of his dresser as he has trouble keeping that clean and organized (organization is not his strong suit). I guess sometimes it really feels like emotions from all sorts of things pile up into one large lump. Right now, I'm feeling very overwhelmed about my promise to myself to go to the gym tomorrow between my 10:20 ending class and my ensemble rehearsal at 12:30. It's not that it's a great distance or anything, just a five minute walk from the Faculty of Music, really nothing at all. Fact is though, is that I had purchased this gym pass back very close to the end of September...this will be my first time. First time with any gym pass. And exercising is well, a touchy subject with me to say the least. It's stupid, really, but I worry that my shorts and t-shirt or sweats won't measure up somehow. Foolishness, I tell myself, given that no one cares what anyone wears at university (thank goodness that the fashion issues of high school are long past), and worries that I will be looked at strangely. I know that once I start running or biking (no weights at this time of day because I need my arm muscles non-tired for the rehearsal, lesson, masterclass and then orchestra rehearsal later in the day) I will feel great, but it's not easy thinking about it.
Every day, I am reminded of just how alike I was to my mom in interests and how interwoven my life was with hers. From reading, to music, to knitting, even to the shows that I watch on my computer (these days to somewhat of an excess, which I am working to reduce)...so much of what I do reminds me of sharing these things with my mom, and that hurts, especially with how long so many of these interests were shared with her. When I teach my Sunrise class and see the interaction of the children with their moms, I remember going to MYC lessons with my mom, starting not even just with MY Sunshine one classes, but with the lessons of my older sister (I was easily occupied-I vividly recall only being allowed to play with Wiki-sticks there). After teaching my very first Sunrise class, I so desperately wanted to tell her about it. A week or so after my mom's death I found a card, possibly a valentine or something for mother's day, that I would have made, judging from my writing and illustrations, during grade two. A "Why I love my mommy" card. I don't remember everything that was on it, but whenever I put in a dvd to my computer these days I am reminded of one of those sentences "Because we watch Star Trek together". And I do remember that. Not every day, or even every week and when I was young, she was rather selective of what we watched, but it was a special experience. Her insistence that I not watch a specific episode made such an impression on me that even as a sixteen-year-old home alone, I turned off the television when it came on one day. I still haven't seen it, and my feelings towards it are somewhat mixed.
This promises to be a busy week, although at least I am not double booked for thursday evening. I do however have two youth symphony rehearsals coming up with the city symphony orchestra in preparation for our friday evening concert, and then my wind ensemble concert on saturday evening. Plus, I start teaching Sunrise Block Two on saturday morning. I will be losing one of my four students ( he is not a morning person and at 9:30, he is just not happy enough) but it looks like I will be gaining a student, so my student number will stay the same. Four is a nice number, although six would be even better. Next year, I really hope to be able to teach all the level one classes- Sunrise, Sunshine One, Sunbeams One and Moonbeams One. BUT for that to happen the basement renovations need to occur, and that means COMPLETE renovations. And the coming flood-predicted that it could be worse then the major flood in 1997 isn't going to be of any help. We have arranged to have a sump pump and backwater valve installed, but the company told us-the day they were supposed to install it-that they needed a permit. That was almost two weeks ago, and they haven't phoned us back yet. Very frustrating. That, and the fact that the oven seems to be possibly malfunctioning...I made brownies today, a recipe I have made probably at least two dozen times since I was a little girl, and the time was very off. In the end, I increased the temperature which resulted in slightly overcooking the edges. I was most displeased. The stove seems to be working fine, and I don't really know what, if anything is going wrong with the oven. Let's just hope that it sort of 'fixes' itself...though, I can't blame it if it falls apart, it is after all older than I am!
