El Sistema

Wednesday was not such a great day, but today and yesterday have been better. I'm tired, but not the exhausted tired I was and I'm feeling much better. Today was the MYC fall AGM, and it's always a lot of fun. I definitely enjoy talking with my fellow teachers, and it's always insightful. One of my fellow teachers gave a very good talk today about composing, for which I was grateful. As an MYC student myself I didn't particularly enjoy the composition aspect of the program. I don't remember why, but I think it had something to do with the way my mom approached it at home. Whatever the reasons, I hope that as an MYC teacher I can make composing a fun and enjoyable part of class and music time and home. THAT is one of my promises to myself and my goals.

One of our speakers today spoke about the El Sistema program. It was first started in Venezuela in the mid 1970's, as a way to provide musical instruction to any child, particularly targeting children in the lowest socioeconomic brackets. The program has now spread to a number of countries, including Canada and the United States-also targeting, once again, children who need more of a helping hand in life. In Venezuela, the most senior orchestra has become quite famous, under the direction of a young man who came through the program himself. I don't remember his first name, but his last name is Dudamiller. Do a youtube search for Dudamiller, in particular Mambo (from West Side Story) and you will see the amazing results of the program. We watched a short video today about the program that practically had me in tears...a little girl, probably about 10 or 11 was one of the children interviewed. She spoke about when she was promoted to the next orchestra level..."I was excited and wanted to be there early, but as I was walking there I was shot in my leg. I cried not because of my leg hurting but because I was not going to get there". The Sistema program is going to be started at a local school very close to me...a school where there are definitely some children who could use an extra hand. It was the first school in the school division to have a breakfast program, and many of the families deal with various problems. The speaker from the school division shared a story that occured recently...a little girl went missing for two days last week, her parents did not report it-the school got in contact with Child and Family Services. She was found-fortunately safe-in the largest city park...which is about 20 kilometres from our area. That story also made my heart nearly break. This year, the Sistema program is just starting with grade 1-3 students on string instruments, but when they begin wind, brass, and percussion in another year or two, I will definitely see what I can do.

Programs like these and the people who work and volunteer for them remind me that we are able to do much by doing, in many ways, so little. El Sistema programs work to install self-esteem, confidence, the ability to stick with something, and the creation of a community. God definitely worked through the creator of this program.

GLAD that this day is over!

Today has NOT been the greatest day. It STARTED okay, I slept a bit longer than I'd planned to, but was still up by 8am, when I decided that I would do a little tidying, and then practice at home instead of going in to school to practice. Great, I thought. It's a beautiful day out and I can have my window open and enjoy the sun in my sunshin-ey room while practicing hearing only MYSELF practicing vs. the dark, dusty, no-outside-light, hearing-everyone and their trombone-practice rooms at the faculty. I got a good hour or so in, packed up my music, and left the house to catch my bus. Then, the problems started. My first bus, the one that takes me downtown was seventeen minutes late. I'd heard a brief bit on the 9am news that there were some traffic issues going on, but I didn't really give a second thought-I figured it would be all cleared up by the time I caught my first bus at 10:10. Well, once on the bus, I learned that the bus problem was bigger than just being 17 minutes late. Turns out it wouldn't have helped to catch an earlier bus...there hadn't been one since at least 9:15 (which my friend who got on five stops later told me-he had been waiting since 9:20 at his stop). So, there began the bus backlog. I get on right by the start of the route, so I had a seat, but I also had a very heavy backpack, and couldn't put it down on the seat beside me because of the fact that the bus was full from very early on. So, sore legs began to ensue. Then, because the bus was late, it took about 50% longer to get downtown. Thus, I got downtown more than half an hour later than usual. AND, of course, the next bus, the Super Express bus that I take down to the university, WAS NOT running late. So, that left me with the not-super-express bus, which WAS running late. In the end, when I got to the university, it was almost 12:00, and I usually get there at 11:10 for my 11:30 class. And, of course, this class had to be the one that's a good hike from the bus stop. NOT so much fun. As well, along the way to my class, I felt a certain familiar feeling in my right leg, which led to another unpleasant happenstance later on, but I won't go into detail about that. So, I come into class half an hour late, and of course, it's the class that's going over the previous class, which went right over most of our heads. A class I really did NOT want to miss part of. Then, at the end of class, we get our assignments back. This class is 20th century, which I took until early October last year, and did the first assignment for. Last year, I got 98% on the first assignment. This time, I got 87%. Not a bad mark, a B+ and all, and plenty of students would have liked that mark, but it's not my typical standard, and I really had set myself up to do better than that. Well, it did upset me, and I was already in a bit of a state anyways. After that, yes, when talking with a fellow flautist friend about it, I did end up crying and then upset with myself for getting overly emotional. I was also feeling somewhat ill, tired, sore, not wanting what I'd packed for lunch, and really wanting a comfy place to lie down...and knowing that I wouldn't get a chance to lie down until getting home at 9pm.

Now, obviously, I've had much worse days. September 30th of last year comes to mind, as does October 31st, November 1st, November 2nd, November 5th, late May through mid June of 2008, you get the picture. But today was one of those days when you do wish you could go back to bed and start all over. Tomorrow, please be kinder to me? Especially with my back...my lower back between carrying around the heavy backpack and other things has been quite sore/achy/tired since around, well, 12:00 today and all those hard plastic chairs, wooden piano benches in practice rooms, bus seats have not been kind to it.

Schedule...must get on it...after this post...

So, this week has, in addition to being one fortunately getting OVER a cold, one where I, once again, have messed up my schedule, not practiced enough, not kept up with readings, and been planning for my MYC classes not exactly how I would like to be. Perhaps I can lay some of the blame on it being September, things only having started a couple of weeks ago, being sick, having things not normal with my dad being out in the maritimes, but, whatever, I need to get on it. So, that is my goal for the week, and I think that once I am done this I will print up my schedule and make sure that I follow it TO THE LETTER. ESPECIALLY on the practicing part. I DESPERATELY need to practice more, I have a test on wednesday (when, exactly, I am not sure...because one of my fellow flautists and I discussed doing sectionals at 1:30, well, it turns out the first years have class (english) at 1:30, but I somehow missed hearing about that and so sectionals are going to be at 2:30 on wednesdays and I booked my test for 3:00, not knowing that. ARGH). And then I ended up missing a meeting with my Research Methods prof (fortunately she was understanding and we rescheduled it), having to cancel a counselling appointment less than a day before ( sorry N!), and the snaffoe with the piano lesson and my marking job...let's just say yes, I have been feeling a bit stressed lately. I'm hoping doing some firm scheduling will help clear things up and get me back on track and caught up.

First birthday without my mom...

Today is my mom's birthday. She would have been 55. It has been difficult leading up to this day, remembering last year...ten days after her birthday, she entered the hospital with an intestinal blockage, just over a month later, she ended her journey with cancer and began her eternal journey. My dad and sister are away on a trip out to the east coast, where my parents went on their honeymoon. I was shelving books in the basement on sunday when I came across a book I read several times many years ago, called "With you and without you" by Ann M. Martin. Most readers would be familiar at least by name with her most popular series "The Baby-Sitters' Club". "With you and without you" is the story of a young teenager losing her father to cardiomyopathy. Well, I really shouldn't have decided to read some of it. The tears began streaming and within a few minutes I was crying hysterically. Perhaps it was about time that I cried again, I hadn't in quite some time, and at least I had the privacy to cry like that, being alone in the house. But, it might have been nice to have it last for a shorter period of time...I think it was about half an hour, and I was getting dizzy and exhausted before I could calm myself down. I'm talking the gasping-for-air type of crying.

Speaking of dizzyiness...saturday I noticed that I was having some trouble keeping my balance. Standing or sitting up straight was fine, but if I bent backwards, or looked upwards, or leaned over to the side, I noticed that I was having to work to make sure I didn't topple over. My head and body just didn't feel 'there'. It wasn't exactly light-headedness, and it wasn't vertigo (spinning), I just wasn't sensing things correctly. Well, on monday I woke up with a killer sore throat and began to develop some sinus issues. Turns out that it was just a weird start to a cold. Monday was probably the worst for the dizzyness, it's resolving some, and my throat is doing better now, which is good. I am still not right though, my sinuses are quite congested, and my brain feels like it is on planet X! The way someone can tell I'm not feeling great is when they hear me saying "Okay, put the lunchbox in the backpack, and pick up your flute". I just can't concentrate very well. It doesn't help that I didn't read my cold medicine bottle very carefully last night, and ended up taking a formula without a decongestant. It did, however, contain a medication to stop runny noses. Doing this meant that about an hour after I went to bed, and after I had fallen asleep I was sudden jerked awake because I COULD NOT breath! It took sometime to get to sleep properly, because it is very hard for me to sleep when I cannot breath through my nose. I will be more careful tonight if I decide to take something. I need the sleep!

Wow is all I have to say...

I've been doing some more computer cleaning...I came across a file titled "I believe". Before I opened it, I thought that it was my declaration of faith...far from it...I should have checked the date! Created in November 2009. Here's what I wrote...I guess it took the form of a journal entry, written on my computer instead of by hand in my journal.

I’m very worried that mom might have cancer. There, I’ve said it. To myself, and not just to others. I have to stop denying it. Mom could die. Period. And not in like, oh, thirty, forty years. But before that long. I’m usually the one jumping to conclusions in my mind, but this time I think it’s her that’s jumping to conclusions. She hasn’t said anything about what she fears, but I can feel it. Cancer. You just feel it. She was coughing so hard today again that she was throwing up. She called me the voice of reason on Wednesday. Oh sure. That’s why I want to starve myself to lose weight. I feel so horribly gross and fat. I’ve got to start eating less. I’ve never been a pig like this before. Perhaps I’ve turned into an emotional eater. That wouldn’t be good. I can’t stand the thought of putting on any more weight. 87 pounds. 87 gross pounds. Even my face is fat, and guess what, fat on my face makes me look younger. I can’t stand it, I just can’t stand it. One way or another this weight is coming off. 80 pounds by Christmas doesn’t seem like that hard or that bad of a goal. That’s only a little more than a pound a week, and I doubt anyone would really notice, but I’d feel a lot better. My new favourite skirt feels tight at the waistband, I didn’t wear it last night for that very reason. My pretty yellow, black and grey plaid that I spent more than $70 dollars on when you count in the tax. I’m not letting myself grow out of it, it’s too great and wonderful and I love it too much. The answer is that my stomach needs to shrink back. Besides, fat on the stomach is harmful in so many ways, I’ve got to get rid of it. I was just thinking, I bet mom and dad don’t have a clue that I’m writing this and not working on my history. I want to play Come to Jesus right now but I don’t want them hearing that song. I don’t know why, probably more because the cd was given to me by D. from his mom when I was in the hospital and I’ve never played it for them or anything. Actually, I’ve never played the cd, but I transferred everything to my mp3.  And now it’s one of my favourite comfort songs although I admit that the singer isn’t the best. It used to make me cry thinking of it, because it was played at SG's school memorial service. But it’s so beautiful. I fell in love with it over the summer. Weak and wounded sinner...lost and left to die. Oh raise your arms for love is passing by...Come to Jesus...Come to Jesus...Come to Jesus...and live. Now your burden’s lifted...and from there I don’t quite remember. But it’s just so beautiful. I suppose I should do MacGamut now. I didn’t get really any harmonic dictation done this afternoon even though I spent close to an hour on it. I can spend at least half an hour on it now. Well once I finish playing Be thou my vision. I can’t even remember the flute player’s name who did the solo, but it’s gorgeous. Be thou my vision is one of my favourite hymns. Someday, I want it as one of the hymns at my funeral. Of course, at this point I’m not planning a funeral. Not like I once was. I guess that’s a good thing. I bet mom’s thinking a fair amount about things like that these days. She thinks, I think, that it’s probably an ovarian cyst that’s causing all this fluid build-up. Probably because Grandma had an ovarian cyst before mom was even born and had a lot of fluid retention. All I know is that mom is in a lot of discomfort, not so much from the fluid itself but from all the things the fluid is doing. The fluid doesn’t hurt or anything, but she has killer heartburn, and that cough...plus she did lose weight, although I haven’t noticed that much. Of course, the scale hasn’t budged in a little bit because of this fluid retention. Seems like all the fat and muscle just changed into fluid retention. At least she’s now had the ultrasound...they did all of her abdomen, plus an internal ultrasound. Which certainly sounds unpleasant, especially when she showed me how large she figured the ultrasound wand was. OUCH! I meanwhile have been a big procrastinator. I mean, usually I have Macgamut done like the first week. Oh well. Things have come up. Life happens. But boy...yeah...

Wow. I remember those feelings so well. I'd forgotten the part about mom possibly having an ovarian cyst (if only!) but I remember it now. I remember those ED feelings (as an aside, the skirt fit the very next week without weight change...probably just a little bloating or something. It remains one of my favourite skirts). My weight even went up a little, about three or four pounds from that 87, now it's down below 87, and everything fits, but as I have learned, the ED brain is not rational in the least and will take one little thing and have it turn into the world's worst catastrophe. In just a few weeks, we will hit two years since diagnosis, and one year since death. TWO YEARS. Two years of dealing with cancer and cancer's aftermath. It's hard to believe...

Just a few days after that rambling journal entry my mom was officially diagnosed with cancer and life was never the same again. 

Having a 'new teacher' moment!

Okay, so this evening, I have been having a new teacher moment, probably exacerbated by my very busy-but productive-day down at the university! So,  indulge me for a minute as I say that this is where I am going AHHHHHHH!!!!

When you are one week away from starting your classes and:
-your classes aren't quite full
-you have yet to receive the registration money for one student and are worrying that they won't have their materials for the first day of class
-your studio isn't ready yet
-you don't have the piano yet, and are worrying that you won't be able to arrange to have in the room in time
-the piano tuner can't come until November 29th
-a family backed out (and they seemed like an excellent MYC family) (granted, this was for a family emergency)
-a family didn't show up to your meeting, and you'd already rearranged it for them because they had missed it once
-you are beginning in all of this to doubt your abilities in teaching keyboard...

That is when you are having a new teacher moment!

Add to it my day down at the university...after having a somewhat interrupted night last night-first by the thunderstorm (YES YES YES YES YES on receiving close to an inch of rain!) at about 3:30am, then by a disturbing dream involving the Borg (can't even attribute that to watching Star Trek before bed), and then by having to wake up earlier to catch the bus...well...

In terms of things that were accomplished, the day went as follows

9:45...arrived at the university, had a nice time talking with fellow flutes
10:00...no practise rooms, so I end up practising in the front entry way, sitting cross legged (not great for the back) with my music propped up against my backpack and flute case
10:45...audition
11:10...went to the bookstore to buy textbooks and agenda book, two textbooks are not in stock, neither are the notebooks that I like. The strain from carrying around heavy books begins
11:40...stood in line for 10 minutes to buy bus pass
12:40...paid tuition fees (this was actually the easiest part of the day)
1:00...stopped by music office to ask about doing piano through the prep studies, then found out that I do need to re-apply for the grader/marker position
1:10...looked up the positions online, found out that many of them were not listing the NAME of the course, so I have to dig around in the course catalog to find the course numbers so that I know what positions to apply for
1:25...fighting with the printer...
1:30...filling out the form...thank goodness for N in the office for reminding me that I needed to add a phone number
1:35...happily finding out that my gym clothes are still in my locker after three months (they were clean), along with my locker stash of tea
1:40...renewing my gym pass (horrah for student prices)
2:10...caught bus home, found out just how heavy my backpack (should not have brought a teacher manual (MYC) as reading material...it weighs a ton) is, especially with the new textbooks, and how awkward it is to be carrying my backpack, my flute, and my gymbag.
3:20...finally home. Told by my dad to check my voicemail as my former flute teacher had just phoned him to tell me to check
3:25...checking voicemail, quite on edge, because I end up super concerned that I have not made Wind Ensemble, and my teacher is phoning to ask me what on earth happened and what my plans are
3:30...finding out that I have made Wind Ensemble, and that my teacher is phoning to ask if I'm interested in the third spot for orchestra...conversation arising over that, in the end, after quite a bit of discussion, I decided to follow my first instinct and stay with Wind Ensemble, but said that if there was a piece or two that needed an additional flute (as sometimes happens), I would be happy to do that.
4:00...finally able to stop spinning, but only briefly...
7:00...waiting...and waiting...and waiting...for a family that never shows up.
8:00...phoning family and finding out about the emergency and therefore one less student.

What a day. Tomorrow, please be less eventful?