Haven't posted in over two years, although I have read a bunch of blog posts since then. Life has been in a bit of a standstill in some ways, other ways not. In some ways, things have recently taken a backslide.
I acknowledged last night for certain to myself, in the midst of crazy amounts of tears and the fifth time weighing myself that day that I indeed have slide back and if not fully there, am teetering on the brink of a relapse with the eating disorder. And one that could if anything go south faster.
The past year and a bit, I have had so many viruses and other infections, often basically back to back that things like my audition have been delayed-again. So far nothing specific seems to have caused my immune system dysfunction, although I am continuing to push for making sure nothing is going on either physically or with my house (such as mold). I blame my former roommates on destroying my immune system as until they moved in, I had never had anything like what has been going on. I mean, I may have even had honest to goodness influenza last winter, and I have never had that before. Summer was spent alternating between a few days decently okay and then dragging myself to work with low grade fevers for several days in a row. This has continued on, I had strep for my first time ever in March, and ended up having to do all of my psychology of music presentations while running fevers...
Not fun.
Anyways, the combination of illness creates stress, which creates more stress, which leads to more anxiety and depression, which has now led to control issues etc.
Which has led to food. Again.
Currently my weight is basically exactly on the line between anorexia and not. The struggle in my brain is awful. I see my bony shoulders for instance but then see the thighs. I feel my hip bones but then feel the pinch an inch thing.
In the past few weeks I have started to reach out to try to get help again, to keep myself from slipping further. Waiting to hear back from a dietitian, which was hard to find one that I could go to that is free (stupid postal code restrictions meant that I have basically nothing available to me. So wait list). I was told likely by mid June, although I haven't heard yet. I may try to get in contact, but I don't have the dietician's exact contact info. I just want to know a date.
In the midst of this, my wonderful doctor moved clinics and again due to crazy postal code restrictions, I could not follow her. The clinic I am at said a new doctor would be taking over at the end of January. Well, as of today, they STILL DON'T KNOW WHEN SHE WILL START. I started back on imipramine in February, with the goal of actually getting to a therapeutic dosage, but due to my heart we have to take it slow-only 10mg a month. I have been stuck at 20mg since the beginning of March-so I should basically already be at 50mg. I finally spoke up on my weekly clinic call (so, do you have the new doctor's schedule yet?) and stated that I had been started on a medication that was supposed to be increasing month by month, and it hasn't been looked at since early March. So tomorrow I am going in to see the physician assistant. I am both scared and anticipating it. I need to be honest with the PA...I haven't been able to take my iron since the strep as the antibiotics destroyed my colon, stomach etc and made me, shall we say, more painful. Iron isn't exactly easy on the stomach. To make a long story short, my hair is falling out a lot faster than normal, and I have dark circles under my eyes. So I need to have my levels checked. And I need to be honest that I actually have lost a touch of weight, that I am basically at 79.5 pounds, which is pretty close to a BMI of 17.5 for me. I am small framed, so my normal is not much higher BUT the fact that I have both lost weight and am getting where I want to do that more is, well, not good. And I need a medical professional to know.
Last night I spent three hours in tears. Even started googling how much imipramine I might need to end things. Even vaguely considered going down to the crisis centre, but I had already put on my pajamas and I couldn't bear the thought of getting dressed, and I sure as heck wasn't going to leave the house in pajamas.
Today has been better. I got the ball rolling on getting on a counselling wait list although it is likely to be 8-12 weeks, and if it is closer to that number, it will basically be when school is starting back and I can just use free counselling there. I haven't eaten enough today, and right now I am both physically and mentally scared to put much in. But I did get out and walk for quite a bit, in the sun, with a book. Distraction is the name of the game right now.
Life has a funny way of connecting when you need it...over the past couple of days, in my worst moments, I have been reaching out to as many of my friends as I could, not even necessarily bringing up just how bad things are but just to talk, connect. Of course by talk, I meant connect by text/message, but that's how it is. One of my closest friends from high school is studying in England for her master's right now. We drifted a bit in university, but today's chat solidified things once again. She randomly asked me a question about Zoloft, as she knew that I had been on it at one time. Then she revealed that she herself had had some issues the past couple of years. And she said something about how it looked like things were going well for me, and that she was really happy about that, and something about how she wished she could have been more understanding back during my roughest points. Well, the moment was right to say that things really weren't that great right now. But to reassure her that the support of my friends during those high school times was basically what kept me around at all. I both feel saddened by our conversation, as I did not know and wish I could have been there to offer my support to her, but glad that we have reconnected more-and we have a date for tea and dessert when she comes back in the fall!
Right now I am actually physically hungry and my brain is fighting a war, whether to eat or not. Both sides are terrified...
Until tomorrow-hopefully I will get back into blogging.
