Happy stats...the stats of things made!
16 prayer shawls. Definitely my biggest prayer shawl output, and puts the total number I have made at 51.
7 baby blankets for project linus.
2 baby blankets for friends.
6 scarves
4 pairs of mittens
1 hat
2 draft stopper snakes (made from odds and ends of yarn).
Happy stats.
Especially when compared to the unhappy stats I am privy to in following things such as the childhood cancer world, the pediatric heart world, and the world of adoption.
This morning's email brought the sad news that Alyssa Divers' battle with osteogenic sarcoma was over, and that Ethan Hallmark has relapsed again with neuroblastoma. Ariel Gariano and Lily Anderson recently finished their battles after years of rhabdomyosarcoma and neuroblastoma...two words that are so atrocious that my computer's spellcheck doesn't even accept them until I teach it that they are, unfortunately, part of the english language. The adoption ban for USA parents to adopt children from Russia may soon take effect...
Sometimes, in the midst of this, you really think that perhaps it would have been better to have had the Mayans or Harold Camping be right. But then I remember that God has set us here for a purpose. We were never promised an easy life, only that we would not be alone in our walk, no matter how difficult it became, and that we all have a purpose. Words to remember. Live each moment to have a purpose...sometimes, that purpose will be to just relax and do nothing and thereby take care of yourself...sometimes that purpose will be to help others, sometimes that purpose will be to take care of God's creation. Obviously, it's hard to live each moment with purpose, but I really think it comes down to living meaningfully instead of rambling and idling through life as if someone else is driving. This is our life.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Been having a bit of a hard time today, just processing everything. The more I read about Mosaic Turner's Syndrome the more just about everything seems to fit. I read one professional article today that even stated that eating disorders, having more difficulty making friends, leaving home later, having more problems getting into relationships with guys...can be related to Turner's. For goodness sakes, I even found out that my choice of job occupations so far-working in the daycares, teaching my kids...are really common choices among women with Turner's (of various levels).
Reading about Mosaic Turner's Syndrome basically explained ME. I'm not sure whether to pray that I have it and then everything would be explained, or whether to pray that I don't have it and still have questions.
Right now I have things to be grateful for even if I do have Mosaic Turner's Syndrome...I have at least some of my well, characteristics so there is hope that I would have at least some chance of fertility.
I finished my paper on thursday, but perhaps it would have been easier to still have it to work on...distractions and all.
I haven't told my dad yet about this possibility (or my sister for that matter). Neither one of them actually knew that I was at the geneticist on thursday. Actually, very few people did...my friends K and B I have let know about the possibility of this, and my doctor knew that I was going to be seeing the geneticist. But that's it. Because this deals with my reproductive system...well...that's not exactly the easiest thing to talk about with people. Like my dad. And I have 2-3 months to wait to find out.
Reading about Mosaic Turner's Syndrome basically explained ME. I'm not sure whether to pray that I have it and then everything would be explained, or whether to pray that I don't have it and still have questions.
Right now I have things to be grateful for even if I do have Mosaic Turner's Syndrome...I have at least some of my well, characteristics so there is hope that I would have at least some chance of fertility.
I finished my paper on thursday, but perhaps it would have been easier to still have it to work on...distractions and all.
I haven't told my dad yet about this possibility (or my sister for that matter). Neither one of them actually knew that I was at the geneticist on thursday. Actually, very few people did...my friends K and B I have let know about the possibility of this, and my doctor knew that I was going to be seeing the geneticist. But that's it. Because this deals with my reproductive system...well...that's not exactly the easiest thing to talk about with people. Like my dad. And I have 2-3 months to wait to find out.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Heartaches and joy (or perhaps merely relief)
Amidst my processing of the genetics appointment today, I received an email from one of my fellow teachers, informing me of everyone's worst nightmare: earlier this month, one of her students was killed in a car accident...on his way to his lesson. The reason she sent me the message-besides probably needing to process a bit-is that she wanted to be sure I knew about the possible risks of a small person sitting in the front seat of a car, because (although she hasn't heard for certain, she is pretty sure it is this way) it appears that her student was killed by the airbags in the front passenger seat. He was seven years old, and one of her Sunbeams Two students.
Processing the possibility that I may have a syndrome that will prevent me from having children, and processing this bit of information about a fellow teacher...well...it was hard. Especially in combination I guess. And the way that the email singled me out as being small, when I'd just spent an examination trying to figure out if there was a reason why I was small!
All of this meant that I didn't finish my paper for History of Music in Canada as early as I wanted to, but it is finished, and emailed off to my professor. First semester is now finished...
One semester until I graduate. Freaky.
Processing the possibility that I may have a syndrome that will prevent me from having children, and processing this bit of information about a fellow teacher...well...it was hard. Especially in combination I guess. And the way that the email singled me out as being small, when I'd just spent an examination trying to figure out if there was a reason why I was small!
All of this meant that I didn't finish my paper for History of Music in Canada as early as I wanted to, but it is finished, and emailed off to my professor. First semester is now finished...
One semester until I graduate. Freaky.
Mosaic Turner Syndrome
My genetics appointment today brought about two equally unsettling findings/possibilities. The first is the possibility that I have something called Mosaic Turner Syndrome...which would actually explain just about everything under the sun with me from my height to my bicuspid aortic valve, to my fingers (oddly enough), my ankles and knees (which are slightly 'strange'), to a mildly increased degree of pigment marks on my skin, to my more pointy/heart shaped face and young looking face, to the irregularities with some aspects of being female...
Mosaic Turner syndrome is when some of a female's cells do not contain two X chromosomes. This can naturally lead to problems that manifest themselves differently in each person. If I do have Mosaic Turner syndrome, I will likely be a mild case, given that I do have my sexual characteristics and although problematic, I do at least have a functioning uterus.
The bad news is that even if I do have a mild case, I am likely to not be able to have children of my own. I won't know the results of the blood tests for some time (up to about 4 months), which means that a graduation 'present' could be finding out that I cannot have children of my own.
The other slightly disturbing finding is that my blood pressure-especially the bottom number-has continued to trend upwards. My blood pressure was actually 112 over 86. Now, the top systolic number is pretty much exactly where you would want to see it. However, the bottom number is well into what is considered pre-hypertension, and pretty close to hypertension. The diastolic number is particularly important to look at when there is any sort of valve disregulation occurring.
Again and again, every symptom-including this diastolic number-points towards my aortic valve, however small the disregulation is, affecting me! Sigh.
Mosaic Turner syndrome is when some of a female's cells do not contain two X chromosomes. This can naturally lead to problems that manifest themselves differently in each person. If I do have Mosaic Turner syndrome, I will likely be a mild case, given that I do have my sexual characteristics and although problematic, I do at least have a functioning uterus.
The bad news is that even if I do have a mild case, I am likely to not be able to have children of my own. I won't know the results of the blood tests for some time (up to about 4 months), which means that a graduation 'present' could be finding out that I cannot have children of my own.
The other slightly disturbing finding is that my blood pressure-especially the bottom number-has continued to trend upwards. My blood pressure was actually 112 over 86. Now, the top systolic number is pretty much exactly where you would want to see it. However, the bottom number is well into what is considered pre-hypertension, and pretty close to hypertension. The diastolic number is particularly important to look at when there is any sort of valve disregulation occurring.
Again and again, every symptom-including this diastolic number-points towards my aortic valve, however small the disregulation is, affecting me! Sigh.
Monday, December 24, 2012
Just not feeling it...
It being whatever-it-is one is supposed to feel this time of year. Listening to christmas music, and in particular singing christmas music at church hurts. Trying to focus on the 'celebration of the birth of Jesus' part of things, which is a bit of a help, I guess, but everything else seems to get in the way-even the fact that this time of year was likely NOT the birth of Jesus. Oh education, how you can destroy some things at times.
This is the third year, things are supposed to get easier...or are they. Maybe next year, when I do not have school stress added in as well.
Back to writing a paper on French-Canadian Folk Songs.
This is the third year, things are supposed to get easier...or are they. Maybe next year, when I do not have school stress added in as well.
Back to writing a paper on French-Canadian Folk Songs.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Connecticut Shooting
Like everyone who read the news, wherever they were-be it in the United States, here in the frozen prairies of Canada, in France as my friend M. is at the moment, in Oxford as my friend N is right now...I was utterly shocked, and upon reading the news article started crying.
It turned worse tonight...I found out that the six-year-old daughter of a former jazz instructor at my school of music-a very nice gentleman who I knew by name and sight and who always had a smile, positive word or compliment for everyone-was among the children killed today. His son was not injured. Upon hearing the news my feelings changed even more greatly.
And then a different awareness came over me...the fact that even if I did NOT know personally anyone who was affected that I should feel just as affected. Things like what happened today are just NOT acceptable, in ANY way. I don't know the whole story obviously, I doubt anyone does yet and we perhaps may never know the complete story...but to me it speaks on a number of different areas. Gun control and better action against violence for sure, but also in how we help those with mental illness (which I believe it has been mentioned the killer had).
That's all for tonight...
It turned worse tonight...I found out that the six-year-old daughter of a former jazz instructor at my school of music-a very nice gentleman who I knew by name and sight and who always had a smile, positive word or compliment for everyone-was among the children killed today. His son was not injured. Upon hearing the news my feelings changed even more greatly.
And then a different awareness came over me...the fact that even if I did NOT know personally anyone who was affected that I should feel just as affected. Things like what happened today are just NOT acceptable, in ANY way. I don't know the whole story obviously, I doubt anyone does yet and we perhaps may never know the complete story...but to me it speaks on a number of different areas. Gun control and better action against violence for sure, but also in how we help those with mental illness (which I believe it has been mentioned the killer had).
That's all for tonight...
Friday, December 7, 2012
Last year vs. This year
Last year at this exact time, I was on a bus to the Urgent Care centre to finally start taking care of myself. This year, I am happily about to print up my lesson plans and prepare my studio for tomorrow, perhaps pick up my flute and do some practising, maybe read a little bit of my history textbooks.
Last year...I was about to enter one of the most difficult months in my life. I pulled out some of the emails that I sent/received from my professors in regards to what was going on (always good to keep a record of things official). I read one of them, and realized that I was so sick at that time that I didn't even read the email properly when I received it-it said that I got a 91% on my essay, which I DO remember getting, but I know I didn't read it properly at the time, because when I actually got my essay back-in January-I anxiously turned to find out what mark I got. For someone who is a bit grade obsessed, not remembering a nice A grade like that really shows how sick I was.
It is hard remembering last year. Actually, it is hard remembering ANY November/December of my University career besides this year and my first year. 2nd year, 3rd year, 4th year...let's just say that November and December of those years are NOT easy to remember. I hope that this year sets a new trend.
I may still need more sleep (I slept at least 9 and a half hours today, and still had to pry myself out of bed at almost 10am...), and I may still have some breathing difficulties and stamina issues, but I'm not as bad as last year. I get frustrated with my body, but I can keep my eyes open for more than 10 minutes at a time. I may not be able to run much, but I can walk up my stairs without problems unless I'm in a bad episode. My hands may occasionally lose some degree of sensation (when my heart is really mucked up), but they haven't gone completely senseless since LAST Dec 7th. My stomach and what-not can give me problems, but I don't have a repertoire of only 5 foods that I can tolerate. I have much to be thankful for.
I will be seeing some of my health care professionals this coming week-my counsellor at the Eating Disorder program, and hopefully getting into see my own family doctor. I haven't actually seen her since LAST December, because I haven't needed my prescription refilled until now...because I took my dose down quite a lot. But...I have only about two weeks left of the prescription, so I HAVE to refill it. Even if it means getting a bit of flack for one, not taking the full dose, and two, not getting anything checked out in so long. Just have to suck up my courage and do so...
Last year...I was about to enter one of the most difficult months in my life. I pulled out some of the emails that I sent/received from my professors in regards to what was going on (always good to keep a record of things official). I read one of them, and realized that I was so sick at that time that I didn't even read the email properly when I received it-it said that I got a 91% on my essay, which I DO remember getting, but I know I didn't read it properly at the time, because when I actually got my essay back-in January-I anxiously turned to find out what mark I got. For someone who is a bit grade obsessed, not remembering a nice A grade like that really shows how sick I was.
It is hard remembering last year. Actually, it is hard remembering ANY November/December of my University career besides this year and my first year. 2nd year, 3rd year, 4th year...let's just say that November and December of those years are NOT easy to remember. I hope that this year sets a new trend.
I may still need more sleep (I slept at least 9 and a half hours today, and still had to pry myself out of bed at almost 10am...), and I may still have some breathing difficulties and stamina issues, but I'm not as bad as last year. I get frustrated with my body, but I can keep my eyes open for more than 10 minutes at a time. I may not be able to run much, but I can walk up my stairs without problems unless I'm in a bad episode. My hands may occasionally lose some degree of sensation (when my heart is really mucked up), but they haven't gone completely senseless since LAST Dec 7th. My stomach and what-not can give me problems, but I don't have a repertoire of only 5 foods that I can tolerate. I have much to be thankful for.
I will be seeing some of my health care professionals this coming week-my counsellor at the Eating Disorder program, and hopefully getting into see my own family doctor. I haven't actually seen her since LAST December, because I haven't needed my prescription refilled until now...because I took my dose down quite a lot. But...I have only about two weeks left of the prescription, so I HAVE to refill it. Even if it means getting a bit of flack for one, not taking the full dose, and two, not getting anything checked out in so long. Just have to suck up my courage and do so...
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Last day of fall semester
Yesterday was the last day of fall semester, which I spent studying and doing two midterm exams, one for my intro to psych class, and one for my History of Antisemitism and the Holocaust class. I know that I got at least one mark wrong on my psychology exam, because I mixed up infradian and ultradian biological rhythms (and the sad thing is that I KNEW this before the exam! ARGH!), and I feel like I could have constructed my essay on my History of Antisemtism exam better. For instance, I got on the bus and realized "Oh, I could have talked about Constantine briefly as well". I'm trying to put them out of my head, but it is not the easiest thing to do.
But...no matter how the exams went yesterday, my last day of classes this year was certainly better than my last day of classes last year. Last year, my last day of classes ended with my heart going crazy, my friend practically dragging me down to urgent care, waiting 4 hours because they probably thought I'd had a panic attack (WRONG!!!) and having everything spin out of control the second that the doctor listened to my heart. Anything would be better than having a STAT EKG called for me...which is what happened last year when they actually evaluated me properly and found out that I should likely have been at the top of the list and not at the bottom. Sore throats and sprained ankles went ahead of me, which just goes to show that the medical system can be a little bit messed up sometimes. When a person comes in with breathing issues and having had an arrythmia tachycardia episode yet waits four hours behind colds and twisted ankles. Hmm...
Once they actually got to me, they took care of me well though. Later this month I see the geneticist, and maybe things will finally, completely, make sense. I miss my old energy and sleep requirements. I don't like it when I can't breath well. And I don't like how hard it can be to eat right when I need nutrition and energy the most. Like yesterday, for instance, before my exam. A two hour exam, so I knew I needed to eat something. But all I can manage to eat is a little cup of applesauce...and it takes about 10 minutes. Stress can make my heart muck up a bit, which in turn makes my digestive system muck up, which means that I can't eat well, which means that I lose weight. My weight this morning was 84 pounds...yeah...1.5 pounds underweight. Whoops.
I now don't have anything until December 18th, which is my History of Music in Canada exam, and when I anticipate my prof is going to want the essays in as well. I'm meeting with him tomorrow to discuss both that paper and my major area paper. Yeah, that's kind of going to have to be a focus of second semester, which is why even today, I am going to work on history of antisemitism readings. I need to get ahead NOW for the winter semester.
But...no matter how the exams went yesterday, my last day of classes this year was certainly better than my last day of classes last year. Last year, my last day of classes ended with my heart going crazy, my friend practically dragging me down to urgent care, waiting 4 hours because they probably thought I'd had a panic attack (WRONG!!!) and having everything spin out of control the second that the doctor listened to my heart. Anything would be better than having a STAT EKG called for me...which is what happened last year when they actually evaluated me properly and found out that I should likely have been at the top of the list and not at the bottom. Sore throats and sprained ankles went ahead of me, which just goes to show that the medical system can be a little bit messed up sometimes. When a person comes in with breathing issues and having had an arrythmia tachycardia episode yet waits four hours behind colds and twisted ankles. Hmm...
Once they actually got to me, they took care of me well though. Later this month I see the geneticist, and maybe things will finally, completely, make sense. I miss my old energy and sleep requirements. I don't like it when I can't breath well. And I don't like how hard it can be to eat right when I need nutrition and energy the most. Like yesterday, for instance, before my exam. A two hour exam, so I knew I needed to eat something. But all I can manage to eat is a little cup of applesauce...and it takes about 10 minutes. Stress can make my heart muck up a bit, which in turn makes my digestive system muck up, which means that I can't eat well, which means that I lose weight. My weight this morning was 84 pounds...yeah...1.5 pounds underweight. Whoops.
I now don't have anything until December 18th, which is my History of Music in Canada exam, and when I anticipate my prof is going to want the essays in as well. I'm meeting with him tomorrow to discuss both that paper and my major area paper. Yeah, that's kind of going to have to be a focus of second semester, which is why even today, I am going to work on history of antisemitism readings. I need to get ahead NOW for the winter semester.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Bernat Baby Jacquards Round Blanket
This blanket was started in the summer, but the majority was done in the past two or three weeks, just finishing it tonight. It helped get me through my grueling essay on George Steiner's theories of antisemitism for my History of Antisemitism class (reward...ex, I'd make a bargain with myself...work for 30 minutes/write 200 words/whatever and you can crochet one side/whatever). It is also for Project Linus and I really like how it turned out! I love this particular pattern because it is easy, but looks complicated and delicate. And the Bernat Baby Jacquards is SO SO soft. This colour is called "Spearmint Candy", and I particularly love the strawberry pink shades.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Bible study today
Usually, bible study leaves me feeling inspired and wanting to discuss more, with energy. Today, it left me feeling as unsettled as when I woke up this morning from my dream that my dad died.
For some reason, the topic shifted to the concept of hell. And then to suicide. And someone (one of my dear friends, actually, but she has only known me for about two years) brought up a 'person who committed suicide and went to hell and God brought them back to earth' story.
Well, talk about the way to make a Christian who struggles daily with depression (some days better than others, some days nearly unbearable) and who has indeed attempted suicide (back at age 17) get unsettled.
Let's just say this clashes with my own beliefs, which is that God is a God of love, and when someone is in such crazy pain, caused by a neurochemical illness that they cannot change and did not ask for...well...
I didn't bring it up in bible study. But it's been eating at me since then.
And yeeks, I would prefer if my brain would NOT give me dreams about my dad dying, thank you very much. It's not the most pleasant way to start things off.
For some reason, the topic shifted to the concept of hell. And then to suicide. And someone (one of my dear friends, actually, but she has only known me for about two years) brought up a 'person who committed suicide and went to hell and God brought them back to earth' story.
Well, talk about the way to make a Christian who struggles daily with depression (some days better than others, some days nearly unbearable) and who has indeed attempted suicide (back at age 17) get unsettled.
Let's just say this clashes with my own beliefs, which is that God is a God of love, and when someone is in such crazy pain, caused by a neurochemical illness that they cannot change and did not ask for...well...
I didn't bring it up in bible study. But it's been eating at me since then.
And yeeks, I would prefer if my brain would NOT give me dreams about my dad dying, thank you very much. It's not the most pleasant way to start things off.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Ripple crochet blanket
Sometimes, blankets can be a great way to use up some random bits of yarn that you find in your basement...like this one! The yellow is leftovers from a blanket I made for a dear friend of mine who had a beautiful little boy almost two years ago...I knit it over those weeks that my mom was dying in the hospital and it was really the last project that she properly saw completed. Now little B is almost two years old, which is hard to believe! I hope this blanket makes some baby or little child happy.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
My dad's girlfriend
Writing the title of the post was the first time I ever wrote it or really said it. It's certainly a mixed up feeling when I think about K, his girlfriend. She is definitely very special, and a very nice woman...she loves music, is a retired teacher (although she still substitute teaches from time to time), is from the United church so quite similar to my our presbyterian beliefs, loves to cook, plays the piano and even composes music...and on and on. My dad smiles when he talks about his time with her, and he talks on the phone with her every day, sees her several times a week, exchanges emails frequently. What's so wrong about this picture? Nothing really...
And yet it's still a bit unsettling. It's two years after my mom died, although it can certainly feel less than that pretty often. I guess I came up with this notion, however romantic or unromantic you want to make it, that my dad would not meet anyone else in that sense again. That if I didn't get married that I would simply stay at home and take care of him as he grew older (easier because I have my work in the basement). I suppose that could still happen...but...
He's even talked marriage. Now, he just met this woman this summer. June I do believe, they sang in a short musical production together.
Today he came downstairs when I was cleaning and showed me that he had switched his wedding ring over to his right hand (actually quite an accomplishment because his wedding ring used to not be able to come off his finger because he had gained so much weight since his wedding day almost 30 years ago). I didn't exactly see that one coming, especially because I didn't think it could come off yet (he has gone back to Weight Watchers and has been losing weight again, but I didn't know it had worked that much yet).
Do I want my dad to be happy? Of course. Is there anything wrong with K? Nothing unless it's that she likes to feed us a little bit too much and occasionally uses slightly stronger language! But it is unsettling at the same time.
I will close on a totally different subject-asking for prayers for the family of Joey Keller, a nine-year-old medullablastoma patient who passed away this weekend after approximately two years battling this devastating brain and spinal cancer. So many children and families that I follow need support and prayers right now, but Joey's death really hit me because I had followed his story from almost the beginning-so almost two years. My heart is also hurting for Ariel Gariano, a relapsed rhabdomyosarcoma patient who is very, very ill and her family, the family of Vinny DiGerolamo as he faces a new relapse of rhabdomyosarcoma, Ella Mason and her family as she faces a possible relapse of PNET in both the brain and spinal cord and Kylie Taylor and her family as she waits in the CICU of Primary Children's Medical Center for a heart transplant. She is a fighter, and despite my dream the other night of her getting a heart transplant and doing very well and even having children of her own, she desperately needs a heart SOON.
I entered, unfortunately, into what I think was a stress-induced depression veil sometime between 6 and 7pm tonight and am trying to break out of it. At 7:30 I was practically in tears because it was only 7:30 but I was feeling so tired that I wished it was a socially-respectable time for a 22-year-old woman to go to bed. I know that was a combination of physical and mental tiredness responses, but it gets so frustrating. I never really see these depression waves coming, it just comes BANG and is hard to get back from. Evenings can be bad, especially seeing as they start just after 4pm now when it gets dark. The joys of living past the 49th parallel...in just a couple of weeks, we will have only 8 hours of daylight a day, if that. At 8am, it is still almost dark, and it gets dark just after 4pm now. We have thankfully gotten more sunlight recently. I'm a true prairie girl and I am not used to an entire month where there basically was NO sunlight. An hour here or there just a handful of times, and sometimes while I was in class just wasn't enough. I may find clouds nice too, but I do better work in sunlight.
Time to go and work. I'm not going to say try, because that won't help this depression veil. I'm going to say that I WILL. Do or Do not, there is no try. I'm not a star wars fan but I do think that that quote by Yoda is quite good.
And yet it's still a bit unsettling. It's two years after my mom died, although it can certainly feel less than that pretty often. I guess I came up with this notion, however romantic or unromantic you want to make it, that my dad would not meet anyone else in that sense again. That if I didn't get married that I would simply stay at home and take care of him as he grew older (easier because I have my work in the basement). I suppose that could still happen...but...
He's even talked marriage. Now, he just met this woman this summer. June I do believe, they sang in a short musical production together.
Today he came downstairs when I was cleaning and showed me that he had switched his wedding ring over to his right hand (actually quite an accomplishment because his wedding ring used to not be able to come off his finger because he had gained so much weight since his wedding day almost 30 years ago). I didn't exactly see that one coming, especially because I didn't think it could come off yet (he has gone back to Weight Watchers and has been losing weight again, but I didn't know it had worked that much yet).
Do I want my dad to be happy? Of course. Is there anything wrong with K? Nothing unless it's that she likes to feed us a little bit too much and occasionally uses slightly stronger language! But it is unsettling at the same time.
I will close on a totally different subject-asking for prayers for the family of Joey Keller, a nine-year-old medullablastoma patient who passed away this weekend after approximately two years battling this devastating brain and spinal cancer. So many children and families that I follow need support and prayers right now, but Joey's death really hit me because I had followed his story from almost the beginning-so almost two years. My heart is also hurting for Ariel Gariano, a relapsed rhabdomyosarcoma patient who is very, very ill and her family, the family of Vinny DiGerolamo as he faces a new relapse of rhabdomyosarcoma, Ella Mason and her family as she faces a possible relapse of PNET in both the brain and spinal cord and Kylie Taylor and her family as she waits in the CICU of Primary Children's Medical Center for a heart transplant. She is a fighter, and despite my dream the other night of her getting a heart transplant and doing very well and even having children of her own, she desperately needs a heart SOON.
I entered, unfortunately, into what I think was a stress-induced depression veil sometime between 6 and 7pm tonight and am trying to break out of it. At 7:30 I was practically in tears because it was only 7:30 but I was feeling so tired that I wished it was a socially-respectable time for a 22-year-old woman to go to bed. I know that was a combination of physical and mental tiredness responses, but it gets so frustrating. I never really see these depression waves coming, it just comes BANG and is hard to get back from. Evenings can be bad, especially seeing as they start just after 4pm now when it gets dark. The joys of living past the 49th parallel...in just a couple of weeks, we will have only 8 hours of daylight a day, if that. At 8am, it is still almost dark, and it gets dark just after 4pm now. We have thankfully gotten more sunlight recently. I'm a true prairie girl and I am not used to an entire month where there basically was NO sunlight. An hour here or there just a handful of times, and sometimes while I was in class just wasn't enough. I may find clouds nice too, but I do better work in sunlight.
Time to go and work. I'm not going to say try, because that won't help this depression veil. I'm going to say that I WILL. Do or Do not, there is no try. I'm not a star wars fan but I do think that that quote by Yoda is quite good.
Monday, November 19, 2012
The last 2.5 weeks of semester
A wonderful way to start the last 2.5 weeks of semester is to sleep in on a monday when you went to bed if anything slightly earlier than normal. Sleep in when you have gotten very decent amounts of sleep the past three nights. Sleep in...until 10:30. Get about 10.5 hours of sleep. I keep trying to convince my body that it is 22 years old and there is no need to sleep like I did when I was 10! It doesn't want to listen. In fact, it was only the fact that it was 10:30 in the morning that managed to get me up, I was still tired, and wanting a nap on the bus instead of reading "The Anguish of the Jews" for History of Antisemitism while bussing to my piano lesson this afternoon.
According to the psychology lecture I watched last night, I fall into the unlucky category of approximately 2% of people who need 9.5 hours of sleep or more per night. I wish I could be on the other end of the spectrum and be in the category of people who only need 4.5 hours of sleep a night! Wouldn't that be wonderful for a university student.
Methinks that a checkup with my doctor or perhaps getting a check from the nurse-practitioner with the eating disorder program would be a good idea. But again...time. Time...it is always a matter of time. Time was what prevented me from getting checked out by my doctor last year before December 7th, when as they say, everything hit the fan and my body decided to put on a spectacular collapse show. I guess it figured that the only way to get me to start listening was to put on a very, very public show during a rehearsal with about forty-five people in attendance.
Well, December 5th this year is the last day of semester, and it proves to be a stressful day with two exams-both psychology and History of Antisemitism. I have to remind myself that I CAN DO THEM and that it will NOT be as bad as I fear and that I am NOT GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER SPECTACULAR EPISODE like what happened in orchestra rehearsal last year. I get fears especially in my non-music classes that if something happens, no one will know what's going on at all. I guess that's the push to get myself a medic alert bracelet so that it could easily be seen that I have a heart condition. I guess it's just fear, because sometimes I get afraid that I will have something go wrong when I'm teaching. The funny thing is that in many of my classes, there are nurses! But the point is that I definitely don't want to suddenly faint or something with young children around.
December 7th this year will likely be a very calm day with only some studying and essay writing for my History of Music in Canada class. Much better than last year!
According to the psychology lecture I watched last night, I fall into the unlucky category of approximately 2% of people who need 9.5 hours of sleep or more per night. I wish I could be on the other end of the spectrum and be in the category of people who only need 4.5 hours of sleep a night! Wouldn't that be wonderful for a university student.
Methinks that a checkup with my doctor or perhaps getting a check from the nurse-practitioner with the eating disorder program would be a good idea. But again...time. Time...it is always a matter of time. Time was what prevented me from getting checked out by my doctor last year before December 7th, when as they say, everything hit the fan and my body decided to put on a spectacular collapse show. I guess it figured that the only way to get me to start listening was to put on a very, very public show during a rehearsal with about forty-five people in attendance.
Well, December 5th this year is the last day of semester, and it proves to be a stressful day with two exams-both psychology and History of Antisemitism. I have to remind myself that I CAN DO THEM and that it will NOT be as bad as I fear and that I am NOT GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER SPECTACULAR EPISODE like what happened in orchestra rehearsal last year. I get fears especially in my non-music classes that if something happens, no one will know what's going on at all. I guess that's the push to get myself a medic alert bracelet so that it could easily be seen that I have a heart condition. I guess it's just fear, because sometimes I get afraid that I will have something go wrong when I'm teaching. The funny thing is that in many of my classes, there are nurses! But the point is that I definitely don't want to suddenly faint or something with young children around.
December 7th this year will likely be a very calm day with only some studying and essay writing for my History of Music in Canada class. Much better than last year!
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
The depression veil
The depression veil...that's how best I can describe it. When it comes, it comes with very little warning, suddenly enveloping me. Makes my eyes suddenly tired, and slightly welling up for no reason. Feeling like the light in the room just dimmed even though it hasn't. My head no longer feeling quite 'there' and my brain stopping concentrating properly as my chest tightens. A feeling nearly impossible to lift no matter how hard I try and that makes me want to disappear into bed. When things are situational, playing one of my instruments, listening to music, watching a funny episode of MASH, knitting or crocheting...any of those will easily help my mood return to a somewhat normal stasis. But when the depression veil comes over, nothing except going to bed and waking up the next day...or sometimes after several days...will 'cure' it.
Practising the piano tonight was, well, lacking. My heart wasn't in it, although yesterday I could hardly tear myself away from the instrument. I have a paper due in a little over a week, and although I have read the book, I haven't started writing the paper yet-going through the book for the second time and writing down the points that I marked previously (if they still make sense). I have hundreds of pages of textbook to catch up on...and I don't think I'm even really exaggerating with that number. But all I can think about is my bed.
That is life with depression, or at least my kind of sad.
Practising the piano tonight was, well, lacking. My heart wasn't in it, although yesterday I could hardly tear myself away from the instrument. I have a paper due in a little over a week, and although I have read the book, I haven't started writing the paper yet-going through the book for the second time and writing down the points that I marked previously (if they still make sense). I have hundreds of pages of textbook to catch up on...and I don't think I'm even really exaggerating with that number. But all I can think about is my bed.
That is life with depression, or at least my kind of sad.
Friday, November 2, 2012
2-year anniversary
In a few short hours (okay, just shy of 16), it will be two years since my mom died. Two years. The past couple of days building up to this have not been the easiest, and now, realizing that it is after midnight, and that it is the anniversary of my mom's death has resulted in a wave of emotions.
I think things were triggered a bit more by finding out for certain that an important member of the music community in my city died suddenly a few days ago, at only 65. For years, he was my RCM representative, meaning that he was the 'friendly face' and reassuring voice of confidence at so many exams that I can't even count them all. I've never been the best with death, but I've felt especially vulnerable to death and serious illness this fall...three of my neighbours (who I have known since I was 2 years old) are seriously ill (in one household no less!), a fellow MYC teacher, my flute teacher's father (the exact same age as my dad), now this gentlemen. Some of the kids that I follow on caringbridge/carepages have also recently passed away or likely will very soon. Taylor Heersche passed away this week, and Ariel Gariano, who I have been following for almost a year now is doing very, very poorly. Her family just wants her to get to sunday when they are celebrating "Christmas in November" together. That is my prayer too. She has battled rhabdomyosarcoma for just over five years now...
I hurt, I miss my mom, I can't believe it's been so long when it still feels like a day ago that she said the last words to me that I really remember, words that will remain forever etched in my memory..."I do love you so much" as tears choked her voice and I myself was trying desperately not to burst out into tears (wanting to be strong for her). The day after that, she decided that she had had enough and asked that all food and water be discontinued, wherein the two and a half hardest weeks of my life began.
And then there's me...I've noticed in the past two or so weeks a lot of weird feeling in my heart, and more of the dull aches or small twinges. Oftentimes when I would bend down in my chair when teaching I would get the weird beating start up, or when lying down in bed, or hurrying outside in the cold weather. I know that I need to get checked out by my doctor but like last year, well, I keep putting things off, and putting things off when it comes to this. In a few short days I hit the anniversary of when I really started to notice things going funny for me. Again, hard to believe that it's been a year since that started up, but at the same time, I can hardly remember what it was like not to have it going on.
I just wish I could have a hug from my mom again. Days like this, I wish I was five years old, with my mom there, and no social constraints whatsoever on curling up in her lap.
I think things were triggered a bit more by finding out for certain that an important member of the music community in my city died suddenly a few days ago, at only 65. For years, he was my RCM representative, meaning that he was the 'friendly face' and reassuring voice of confidence at so many exams that I can't even count them all. I've never been the best with death, but I've felt especially vulnerable to death and serious illness this fall...three of my neighbours (who I have known since I was 2 years old) are seriously ill (in one household no less!), a fellow MYC teacher, my flute teacher's father (the exact same age as my dad), now this gentlemen. Some of the kids that I follow on caringbridge/carepages have also recently passed away or likely will very soon. Taylor Heersche passed away this week, and Ariel Gariano, who I have been following for almost a year now is doing very, very poorly. Her family just wants her to get to sunday when they are celebrating "Christmas in November" together. That is my prayer too. She has battled rhabdomyosarcoma for just over five years now...
I hurt, I miss my mom, I can't believe it's been so long when it still feels like a day ago that she said the last words to me that I really remember, words that will remain forever etched in my memory..."I do love you so much" as tears choked her voice and I myself was trying desperately not to burst out into tears (wanting to be strong for her). The day after that, she decided that she had had enough and asked that all food and water be discontinued, wherein the two and a half hardest weeks of my life began.
And then there's me...I've noticed in the past two or so weeks a lot of weird feeling in my heart, and more of the dull aches or small twinges. Oftentimes when I would bend down in my chair when teaching I would get the weird beating start up, or when lying down in bed, or hurrying outside in the cold weather. I know that I need to get checked out by my doctor but like last year, well, I keep putting things off, and putting things off when it comes to this. In a few short days I hit the anniversary of when I really started to notice things going funny for me. Again, hard to believe that it's been a year since that started up, but at the same time, I can hardly remember what it was like not to have it going on.
I just wish I could have a hug from my mom again. Days like this, I wish I was five years old, with my mom there, and no social constraints whatsoever on curling up in her lap.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Psychology, Music in Canada, History of Antisemitism, and History of the Soviet Union. Oh yeah, and spending an hour online...
It seems that whenever things pile up just a little bit too much with my university coursework, I will end up online reading up on the heart. In just over a month, I come up to the day when I first felt that something was up. I didn't realize it at the time, I felt that perhaps I had a small virus, was reacting to the stress of a paper. But it kept continuing, and it didn't act like stress or a virus. And it has been exactly 10 months since I first heard the words "You have a heart murmur, did you know that?". The words that sent part of my life in an entirely new direction.
This time of year too brings about really challenging memories, reinforced this time around by my flute teacher's rough month of September with the death of her father (at age 63, the same age as my dad...). October 5th was the anniversary of my grandma's death, and although sad, we could hardly stop to think. I did go to bed that night-it was a tuesday night-with the soundtrack from "The Mission" playing on my MP3 player, and did cry as I was falling asleep after writing in my journal. But the situation with my mom was so tenuous at that point. On October 4th, my mom was given 3 months to live. It turned out to be less than one month. I don't remember any part of the orchestra rehearsal that day, but I do remember getting picked up by my dad and getting the news. I remember the wind ensemble retreat that was either two days before then or five days after, something like that. I honestly don't remember which day. Daily, it is hard to believe that it is almost two years since my mom died. That it has been more than two years since she was last in this house. I'm thinking about getting my hair cut next weekend, and it's hard. I haven't had my haircut since before my mom was diagnosed. She was just starting to get sick then, it was in September of 2009. When I was still innocent in the ways of the world. Before I could read oncology-and now cardiology-reports. Before I knew exactly what someone the day that they die of cancer smells like. I say that because the smells of that hospital room are etched in my memory just as surely as the sight of the hospital gown, the blue emesis bins, and the recliner that didn't actually recline very well. The colours of the four shawls that I worked on during the month of October and the first two days of November of 2010. How my friend C's little girl A was diagnosed with type one diabetes right at the same time that my mom entered the hospital for the last time (and whose wedding I was privileged to attend last weekend!!!! definitely a highlight of my year so far!).
The title of this post comes from my four 'normal' courses. I say normal, because I also have my major area paper, however, that is not taking precedence right now unfortunately. I have my first Intro to Psych midterm on wednesday, and my first paper due for History of the Soviet Union on thursday. Do I feel like I'm at my breaking point? Just about, but oddly enough, the phrase "Just keep swimming" has been going through my head even though it's certainly not one I've used before. Well, back to the Psych textbook. I still have a full chapter to read, and it's a slow going book. I wanted to get it done before going to bed, but I'm not sure that is the smartest idea. I've really tried to get a 'decent' amount of sleep this semester so far, and it is HARD because the old habits are there, and I just can't function without getting sleep. It's a form of grief and extreme frustration to know that if I try to do like I did last year, I will just get sick, quite possibly more sick than last time. Last time, I lucked out in many ways (which I'm not going to go into now-that's for another post). Should I not take care of myself, I don't think I'd be so lucky.
This time of year too brings about really challenging memories, reinforced this time around by my flute teacher's rough month of September with the death of her father (at age 63, the same age as my dad...). October 5th was the anniversary of my grandma's death, and although sad, we could hardly stop to think. I did go to bed that night-it was a tuesday night-with the soundtrack from "The Mission" playing on my MP3 player, and did cry as I was falling asleep after writing in my journal. But the situation with my mom was so tenuous at that point. On October 4th, my mom was given 3 months to live. It turned out to be less than one month. I don't remember any part of the orchestra rehearsal that day, but I do remember getting picked up by my dad and getting the news. I remember the wind ensemble retreat that was either two days before then or five days after, something like that. I honestly don't remember which day. Daily, it is hard to believe that it is almost two years since my mom died. That it has been more than two years since she was last in this house. I'm thinking about getting my hair cut next weekend, and it's hard. I haven't had my haircut since before my mom was diagnosed. She was just starting to get sick then, it was in September of 2009. When I was still innocent in the ways of the world. Before I could read oncology-and now cardiology-reports. Before I knew exactly what someone the day that they die of cancer smells like. I say that because the smells of that hospital room are etched in my memory just as surely as the sight of the hospital gown, the blue emesis bins, and the recliner that didn't actually recline very well. The colours of the four shawls that I worked on during the month of October and the first two days of November of 2010. How my friend C's little girl A was diagnosed with type one diabetes right at the same time that my mom entered the hospital for the last time (and whose wedding I was privileged to attend last weekend!!!! definitely a highlight of my year so far!).
The title of this post comes from my four 'normal' courses. I say normal, because I also have my major area paper, however, that is not taking precedence right now unfortunately. I have my first Intro to Psych midterm on wednesday, and my first paper due for History of the Soviet Union on thursday. Do I feel like I'm at my breaking point? Just about, but oddly enough, the phrase "Just keep swimming" has been going through my head even though it's certainly not one I've used before. Well, back to the Psych textbook. I still have a full chapter to read, and it's a slow going book. I wanted to get it done before going to bed, but I'm not sure that is the smartest idea. I've really tried to get a 'decent' amount of sleep this semester so far, and it is HARD because the old habits are there, and I just can't function without getting sleep. It's a form of grief and extreme frustration to know that if I try to do like I did last year, I will just get sick, quite possibly more sick than last time. Last time, I lucked out in many ways (which I'm not going to go into now-that's for another post). Should I not take care of myself, I don't think I'd be so lucky.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Denied...at 22...
I found out that I am "uninsurable". Meaning that I am considered too high risk to have term insurance put on. At only 22 years of age.
Not exactly a nice part of my day, even though I had sort of anticipated it coming. The wonders of having a heart defect. Through no fault of my own, through a matter of my birth, I am considered 'high risk', despite plenty of other factors that prove that I'm not a risk. Including the words of doctors.
Well...that's life I guess. Doesn't feel great to know that if I get married and have children, I won't be able to have security around for them. Or for my father or sister.
Can't do anything about it I suppose, so I'm going to go and do something I can do, one of the things that makes my life feel fulfilled...getting things ready to teach my Moonbeams Two class tonight.
Not exactly a nice part of my day, even though I had sort of anticipated it coming. The wonders of having a heart defect. Through no fault of my own, through a matter of my birth, I am considered 'high risk', despite plenty of other factors that prove that I'm not a risk. Including the words of doctors.
Well...that's life I guess. Doesn't feel great to know that if I get married and have children, I won't be able to have security around for them. Or for my father or sister.
Can't do anything about it I suppose, so I'm going to go and do something I can do, one of the things that makes my life feel fulfilled...getting things ready to teach my Moonbeams Two class tonight.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Sad sunday
Sometimes, I almost think I feel certain things before they happen. Today I woke up VERY tired even though I slept for 9 hours. Not a great way to start the day. I knew I needed to go down to the university to get started on my research for my Major Area Paper, and to be honest, I was just not wanting to face the church congregation that much today. A great congregation, but I was already feeling closed in and shut down and upset and couldn't really think why except for being so tired when I got up and that it was kind of gloomy and cold out this morning, as compared to yesterday's balmy (for September) 28 degrees! But at least I was able to get my room tidied up a bit, although I moved slower than normal...when things get worse, my usual absolutely clean to a fault room tends to gather things. I just get feeling too tired to deal with anything even if it's as simple as hanging up my clean laundry. Instead it will end up piled on top of my desk or my knitting basket, that type of thing. I did manage to make it down to the university (even with the wonders of sunday public transit), but was in the type of state where I felt like the slightest thing would start me crying. Again, I couldn't understand why.
It wasn't until I got home and got a couple of things done, like moving the filing cabinet from the storage room into my music studio, and scanning and emailing some notes for a classmate in my History of the Soviet Union course that I got a little bit of energy and feeling-human-ness back. I even got myself registered for some of the psychology stuff that is a part of my Intro to Psych course-some research experiments and registering my textbook online for additional resources. Even voted for a fellow student who made it to the top 10 in CBC's "Over the Rainbow" program.
However...I received an email around 11 tonight that made me turn completely back to that emotional state...I wrote earlier that my flute teacher's father, who is the exact same age as my dad, was quite ill, which is why my flute teacher and her husband had been called back to their home province. Well, things had started to look back up and they were scheduled to fly out on friday...but he then took a turn for the worse again, and now the doctors are really giving no hope. Hours to days.
ALL the emotions that I felt with my mom's illness and death are coming back up. I know just how much pain my flute teacher-my friend-is going through. A pain that no one should have to go through. My dad is 63, her dad is 63...
My mom's birthday is coming up very soon too, September 20th. It makes me miss all the more. She would be, SHOULD be turning 56.
Sometimes, in teaching my MYC classes, I miss her. MYC classes were, for YEARS something that my mom and I did together. Five years in fact. Seeing my little Sunshine Ones cuddling up with their moms during class...well...those memories can bring me both joy and sadness. My classes on saturday involved singing a song called "Fingers Dancing"...well, my mom really liked that particular song from the program. Or perhaps we just sang it a lot. Either way...I have memories of her singing it YEARS past my graduation. So, for some reason on this particular saturday it was a little bit triggering. But I obviously couldn't do anything except carry on with my lesson plan and keep on with the class. And the moment passed, but still remains in my brain.
Later today I am going dress shopping with the mom of one of my closest friends from junior high/high school. Dress shopping for a wedding! At least something very positive to put my brain to.
It wasn't until I got home and got a couple of things done, like moving the filing cabinet from the storage room into my music studio, and scanning and emailing some notes for a classmate in my History of the Soviet Union course that I got a little bit of energy and feeling-human-ness back. I even got myself registered for some of the psychology stuff that is a part of my Intro to Psych course-some research experiments and registering my textbook online for additional resources. Even voted for a fellow student who made it to the top 10 in CBC's "Over the Rainbow" program.
However...I received an email around 11 tonight that made me turn completely back to that emotional state...I wrote earlier that my flute teacher's father, who is the exact same age as my dad, was quite ill, which is why my flute teacher and her husband had been called back to their home province. Well, things had started to look back up and they were scheduled to fly out on friday...but he then took a turn for the worse again, and now the doctors are really giving no hope. Hours to days.
ALL the emotions that I felt with my mom's illness and death are coming back up. I know just how much pain my flute teacher-my friend-is going through. A pain that no one should have to go through. My dad is 63, her dad is 63...
My mom's birthday is coming up very soon too, September 20th. It makes me miss all the more. She would be, SHOULD be turning 56.
Sometimes, in teaching my MYC classes, I miss her. MYC classes were, for YEARS something that my mom and I did together. Five years in fact. Seeing my little Sunshine Ones cuddling up with their moms during class...well...those memories can bring me both joy and sadness. My classes on saturday involved singing a song called "Fingers Dancing"...well, my mom really liked that particular song from the program. Or perhaps we just sang it a lot. Either way...I have memories of her singing it YEARS past my graduation. So, for some reason on this particular saturday it was a little bit triggering. But I obviously couldn't do anything except carry on with my lesson plan and keep on with the class. And the moment passed, but still remains in my brain.
Later today I am going dress shopping with the mom of one of my closest friends from junior high/high school. Dress shopping for a wedding! At least something very positive to put my brain to.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Life, I guess
The past few days have been somewhat on the low side of things...just feeling quite down, when I should be feeling up. I think I can understand some of the reasons...like yesterday evening, I got an email from my flute teacher that she had had to fly out back east because her father (same age as my dad, which is perhaps part of why it hits SO close to home) who survived cancer but was left with many health conditions/side effects as a result wasn't doing well at all. So yes, I am feeling that helpless feeling. And that feeling that my dad could easily be taken from me came back into full force. These days, the thought of my dad getting very ill or dying is absolutely heart-wrenching...even more so then when I was young and worried about him. Even more so then when he was not taking care of himself very well and my mom was so, so, so ill (September-ish of 2010).
And then there was just this feeling on my part of this whole lack of self-confidence thing with my teaching this week. Maybe it's just because it's the first week back.
I know that my ICM would say that things might be a bit better if I was at my prescribed dose of seroquel. Well, possibly that's true, but there's the whole issue of the increased sleeping time that comes with adding on seroquel. Even if I just take the slightly-bigger section from when I cut the 100mg tablet in two (with a knife, attempting to make it exactly half as it is not scored), I tend to be more tired in the morning and/or sleep longer. Classes are starting back up, teaching is starting back up...the university system was not designed for a person to need to sleep 9 or 10 hours a night, but that seems to be what my body needs and it drives me crazy. Take today, I slept for about 8 1/2 hours, yet I was still tired when I woke up (after falling back to sleep instantly after shutting off the alarms). The other day with 7 1/2 hours was the same thing, so it's not an issue of 'too much sleep' in the sense that I am sleeping too long and therefore being more tired. It is just so frustrating.
Well, guess I can help one thing...and that is going to bed now...
And then there was just this feeling on my part of this whole lack of self-confidence thing with my teaching this week. Maybe it's just because it's the first week back.
I know that my ICM would say that things might be a bit better if I was at my prescribed dose of seroquel. Well, possibly that's true, but there's the whole issue of the increased sleeping time that comes with adding on seroquel. Even if I just take the slightly-bigger section from when I cut the 100mg tablet in two (with a knife, attempting to make it exactly half as it is not scored), I tend to be more tired in the morning and/or sleep longer. Classes are starting back up, teaching is starting back up...the university system was not designed for a person to need to sleep 9 or 10 hours a night, but that seems to be what my body needs and it drives me crazy. Take today, I slept for about 8 1/2 hours, yet I was still tired when I woke up (after falling back to sleep instantly after shutting off the alarms). The other day with 7 1/2 hours was the same thing, so it's not an issue of 'too much sleep' in the sense that I am sleeping too long and therefore being more tired. It is just so frustrating.
Well, guess I can help one thing...and that is going to bed now...
Thursday, September 6, 2012
First day
Although I don't plan for it to be my last year of university, it's possible that today was the last 'first day' of my academic career. Had a bit of an experience with my History of the Soviet Union course...in a couple of ways I guess. One, having rushed over from the music building to where this course is held, I first had to find the classroom-and I've never had classes in that building before. But the biggest issue was that the instructor before my class had written Espanol 1276 on the board, which certainly confused me a bit. Oh well. The other was the professor himself...one who self-professed that he can be, at times, a grouchy old man. And disorganized. That last bit concerns me a bit!
I got my travel arrangements made-I am flying down to Augusta to see my high school friend C get married on September 29th! Now I have to go to the passport office tomorrow to get that in order. And then dress shopping! Everything really came together in the flights, although the times aren't that great. I wish I could reverse the times...leave my city early in the morning and get in sometime around 12:30 on the friday September 28th, and then leave Augusta at about noon and get into my city at about 8:30 at night on the sunday September 30th. Well, at least I can get down there. It could definitely be worse.
Taught my first ever class of Moonbeams Two tonight, which was pretty good. I think I'm just not feeling confident enough yet. Maybe with the next lesson. And it was the first lesson, it takes a little while for a group to properly 'gel' and all-two students coming from my Moonbeam Two class, and one a transfer student from an MYC teacher who has decided to stop teaching MYC. She's a little bit younger because she started at age 5 in Sunbeams One instead of starting at 7 1/2 in Moonbeams One. I think my coordinator M was right when she said that one of the hardest things you will ever have is a transfer student! It's good that I got her, and I will work to be a good teacher for her, and I guess my feeling of being judged will disappear soon. Because likely, they weren't even judging me that much.
Anyways...after baking both chocolate muffins and easy brownies for my dad's toastmaster group tomorrow I think I am ready to have some red tea and knit while watching MASH or Star Trek. Yep, because I'm cool that way.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Stress? ED? Physiology?
Today was a bit of a stressful day...it started off slightly on the wrong foot because I didn't wake up in time to phone at 9am eastern time (which is earlier for me), so I then was concerned that I wouldn't get the materials for my students that just registered (Two Sunshine One registrations, and one Moonbeams One registration-so four in each class, which is an improvement over last year. Not so sure about the Sunbeams One class, but there is still time to pick up students. Some teachers often pick up the last 1-2 students in each class in September, and you also get to a point where you go "it would be nice to have more students, but I'm too tired to push for anymore right now") ordered in time for their classes that start on saturday. But, the CanadaPost website gave an approximated date of Sept 7th. Which means that YES, they will be here for saturday classes! Then, I received an email from a parent who had registered their two children for Sunshine One and Sunbeams One, but had just received their work schedule, and now saturday classes would not work for them. This was quite unfortunate as one of them was a Sunrise student with me this past year, and I was really looking forward to it. Plus, it leaves me wondering a little bit more about the Sunbeams One class...
Anyways...and then my friend N cancelled our tea meeting because her bloodwork was going to take too long, but we rescheduled to friday. I just hope her bloodwork was okay, given that she frequently ends up with low potassium and has to get special IV fluids for it.
So...stressful part...getting all my job application forms into the University. I felt a bit like a chicken with head cut off, and then there was the Major Area Paper concern, paying university fees, getting my new textbook for my Intro to Psych course...
Ah, Intro to Psychology. If I want to apply into the Music Therapy program, then I have to take an Intro to Psych course, so I registered for one yesterday, snatching up the last spot in that particular course. Wednesdays at 3:30-4:20. Anyways...a first year course. Nearly 300 students. Partially done online. My guess is that out of those 300, only about 150-200 will actually show up most of the time, and of that number, only about half will do the work. I certainly intend to prove that I am a capable, responsible fifth-year university student. From the looks of the textbook and from my social-worker-sister, it's quite likely that this course will be a 'bird' course from me. Well, that is just fine, I guess. I like intellectually challenging courses, but it never hurts to have a course where you get an A+ without really working that hard. My sister said that pretty much all of her marks came from 6 multiple choice tests and 10% participation, "Maybe one assignment". I can do that.
Anyways...schedule was a bit messed up, and my stomach was a bit turned off by food when I had breakfast this morning, so I just had a small peanut butter bran muffin with some peanut butter on top. That was about 10 or 10:30 this morning. I then went down to the university at 12:30 and started my business there. By the time I got home it was after 4pm, and I still hadn't eaten. I was hungry, but then I forgot...
Now, I can tell that my body really does need some fuel, but my stomach feels like it has closed off a bit, meaning that going almost 12 hours on only a small muffin with peanut butter really doesn't work for my digestive system. I've had some water and peppermint tea, and may go and have another small muffin...but the hard part is that ED is starting to act up because of this. A sign that I still need to watch out. See, intellectually I KNOW that I need to eat something. Physically, I can tell that my body isn't meant to run on less than 300 calories for a day. My nails are a bit darker and I can feel my heartbeat more.
I may only have a very mild heart condition, but it still puts additional stress on my body...and with the ticking time bomb that is my heart valve...well...taking the best possible care of myself only makes sense. Of course it makes sense for everyone, but my body has shown that it has a lower threshold for certain things-like heat, cold, lack of sleep, food...that, whether I fight it tooth and nail or accept it and learn to adapt to it, is my reality. And as I was telling my friend B the other day, gently pushing myself seems to work a lot better than fighting my body tooth and nail...
Words to live by.
Anyways...and then my friend N cancelled our tea meeting because her bloodwork was going to take too long, but we rescheduled to friday. I just hope her bloodwork was okay, given that she frequently ends up with low potassium and has to get special IV fluids for it.
So...stressful part...getting all my job application forms into the University. I felt a bit like a chicken with head cut off, and then there was the Major Area Paper concern, paying university fees, getting my new textbook for my Intro to Psych course...
Ah, Intro to Psychology. If I want to apply into the Music Therapy program, then I have to take an Intro to Psych course, so I registered for one yesterday, snatching up the last spot in that particular course. Wednesdays at 3:30-4:20. Anyways...a first year course. Nearly 300 students. Partially done online. My guess is that out of those 300, only about 150-200 will actually show up most of the time, and of that number, only about half will do the work. I certainly intend to prove that I am a capable, responsible fifth-year university student. From the looks of the textbook and from my social-worker-sister, it's quite likely that this course will be a 'bird' course from me. Well, that is just fine, I guess. I like intellectually challenging courses, but it never hurts to have a course where you get an A+ without really working that hard. My sister said that pretty much all of her marks came from 6 multiple choice tests and 10% participation, "Maybe one assignment". I can do that.
Anyways...schedule was a bit messed up, and my stomach was a bit turned off by food when I had breakfast this morning, so I just had a small peanut butter bran muffin with some peanut butter on top. That was about 10 or 10:30 this morning. I then went down to the university at 12:30 and started my business there. By the time I got home it was after 4pm, and I still hadn't eaten. I was hungry, but then I forgot...
Now, I can tell that my body really does need some fuel, but my stomach feels like it has closed off a bit, meaning that going almost 12 hours on only a small muffin with peanut butter really doesn't work for my digestive system. I've had some water and peppermint tea, and may go and have another small muffin...but the hard part is that ED is starting to act up because of this. A sign that I still need to watch out. See, intellectually I KNOW that I need to eat something. Physically, I can tell that my body isn't meant to run on less than 300 calories for a day. My nails are a bit darker and I can feel my heartbeat more.
I may only have a very mild heart condition, but it still puts additional stress on my body...and with the ticking time bomb that is my heart valve...well...taking the best possible care of myself only makes sense. Of course it makes sense for everyone, but my body has shown that it has a lower threshold for certain things-like heat, cold, lack of sleep, food...that, whether I fight it tooth and nail or accept it and learn to adapt to it, is my reality. And as I was telling my friend B the other day, gently pushing myself seems to work a lot better than fighting my body tooth and nail...
Words to live by.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
August Insanity
August...not quite the definition of long, lazy, summer days for me.
The good news: Five registrations this past week. Thank goodness. Two for Sunbeams One, and three for Sunshine One. Which is good, as I had not had any Sunshine One registrations and was a bit concerned! This has definitely put me in an excited-for-fall mood.
Other August insanity has included cleaning. I generally enjoy cleaning and organizing. For the last year or so, my cleaning/organizing has been in crazy spurts. I'll suddenly, almost out of the blue, get this urge to clean for several hours straight. I've had a few of these so far this month. Wednesday was one of them, a kind of miserably cold and rainy August day-not even 20 degrees outside, gloomy to the point of needing lights on at 2pm, and quite heavy rain at times while other times were just drizzly. That was the day that I managed to slice my finger four on an industrial strength staple on a box of my elementary school scrapbooks. Not fun. I also almost dropped a huge box full of various (mostly junk) items that I found on top of the pattern cabinet in the storage room on myself. I had climbed up on a chair and was getting it down, with other boxes and things on the floor below me when I realized that it was not the smartest idea in the world...but I was already too far gone to just stop. Fortunately, no spilling of the box and only mildly bruised knees and strained arms.
The start of August also involved me shipping my flute off to be serviced. UPS just didn't understand my pain at sending my flute off! I spent $187 on shipping because I insured it as far as I could (which was only to $2500 because I listed it as breakable). Thankfully, I got it back today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I realized tonight that I may have missed the grader/marker opportunity this year because I was slow to check it out online. However, I have marked for this prof for two years and out of all the professors at the FoM, she is definitely the most approachable, so I emailed saying that I hadn't seen the position listed (or any for the FoM for that matter) and that I understood that it was probably my own fault for not checking and doing this sooner, but that if it was still a possibility, I had enjoyed the position the past two years and looked forward to the possibility of continuing it in the fall. We'll see. I'll be sad if it's not available anymore, but am surprisingly calm about it...if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. I still have the experience, and may someday have another marking job.
My piano lessons also started up this week. I rode my bike over as I have done on a number of occasions-even since my heart went funny-but really struggled. It was bad enough that a couple of times, I actually got off and walked a little ways. I ended up late to the lesson, and frustrated with myself (not to mention slightly concerned), but at least in one piece. Tonight when I went bike riding things were fine...I did pump up my tires a bit, so maybe that was part of it? Not sure.
Tonight was a bit of a happy/sad night. My good friend SK is leaving for a new city, and then back to bible college on sunday or monday, so this was the last time that I will see her for quite a while. Happy that the move to a new city two provinces away is a good one-her mom got a job after being laid off-but sad to see her go. She was quite concerned about me bike riding over, but it went surprisingly well. My heart cooperated tonight, I guess...even riding over one of the steepest and longest bridges in my city to get to the coffee place was not as difficult as I had anticipated. As I told my friend B tonight online, I guess I have to remember during the bad days (like monday) that there are also good days...and that gently pushing my 'normal' is much more effective and less frustrating then fighting it tooth and nail. Fighting it tooth and nail only seems to make things worse!
In talking online with B, with both mentioned that in our goals for the fall, health goals were among them. I CANNOT do another year like I did this past year. I actually cried-in front of my dad-when I looked at my booklist (where I have kept track of all the books I've read since I was about 10 or 11)...and saw that I had not read a single fun book between January and the end of my exams in April. I had read a few pages here and there of one of my 'Comfort Books', but that was it. For anyone who has known me for more than a few minutes, they know that one of my lifelong pleasures is reading. To not finish any books for the space of more than three months...shows just how messed up I was. I also didn't finish any knitting or crocheting projects, although I knit a bit of a scarf during music festival in early March. I knew that I had been in a bad state mentally and physically...but seeing those lists (book as well as craft) really set it in stone. Never again. If I attempt something like that again, I'll probably end up in a hospital...not just having tests run in a hospital and urgent care.
The good news: Five registrations this past week. Thank goodness. Two for Sunbeams One, and three for Sunshine One. Which is good, as I had not had any Sunshine One registrations and was a bit concerned! This has definitely put me in an excited-for-fall mood.
Other August insanity has included cleaning. I generally enjoy cleaning and organizing. For the last year or so, my cleaning/organizing has been in crazy spurts. I'll suddenly, almost out of the blue, get this urge to clean for several hours straight. I've had a few of these so far this month. Wednesday was one of them, a kind of miserably cold and rainy August day-not even 20 degrees outside, gloomy to the point of needing lights on at 2pm, and quite heavy rain at times while other times were just drizzly. That was the day that I managed to slice my finger four on an industrial strength staple on a box of my elementary school scrapbooks. Not fun. I also almost dropped a huge box full of various (mostly junk) items that I found on top of the pattern cabinet in the storage room on myself. I had climbed up on a chair and was getting it down, with other boxes and things on the floor below me when I realized that it was not the smartest idea in the world...but I was already too far gone to just stop. Fortunately, no spilling of the box and only mildly bruised knees and strained arms.
The start of August also involved me shipping my flute off to be serviced. UPS just didn't understand my pain at sending my flute off! I spent $187 on shipping because I insured it as far as I could (which was only to $2500 because I listed it as breakable). Thankfully, I got it back today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I realized tonight that I may have missed the grader/marker opportunity this year because I was slow to check it out online. However, I have marked for this prof for two years and out of all the professors at the FoM, she is definitely the most approachable, so I emailed saying that I hadn't seen the position listed (or any for the FoM for that matter) and that I understood that it was probably my own fault for not checking and doing this sooner, but that if it was still a possibility, I had enjoyed the position the past two years and looked forward to the possibility of continuing it in the fall. We'll see. I'll be sad if it's not available anymore, but am surprisingly calm about it...if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. I still have the experience, and may someday have another marking job.
My piano lessons also started up this week. I rode my bike over as I have done on a number of occasions-even since my heart went funny-but really struggled. It was bad enough that a couple of times, I actually got off and walked a little ways. I ended up late to the lesson, and frustrated with myself (not to mention slightly concerned), but at least in one piece. Tonight when I went bike riding things were fine...I did pump up my tires a bit, so maybe that was part of it? Not sure.
Tonight was a bit of a happy/sad night. My good friend SK is leaving for a new city, and then back to bible college on sunday or monday, so this was the last time that I will see her for quite a while. Happy that the move to a new city two provinces away is a good one-her mom got a job after being laid off-but sad to see her go. She was quite concerned about me bike riding over, but it went surprisingly well. My heart cooperated tonight, I guess...even riding over one of the steepest and longest bridges in my city to get to the coffee place was not as difficult as I had anticipated. As I told my friend B tonight online, I guess I have to remember during the bad days (like monday) that there are also good days...and that gently pushing my 'normal' is much more effective and less frustrating then fighting it tooth and nail. Fighting it tooth and nail only seems to make things worse!
In talking online with B, with both mentioned that in our goals for the fall, health goals were among them. I CANNOT do another year like I did this past year. I actually cried-in front of my dad-when I looked at my booklist (where I have kept track of all the books I've read since I was about 10 or 11)...and saw that I had not read a single fun book between January and the end of my exams in April. I had read a few pages here and there of one of my 'Comfort Books', but that was it. For anyone who has known me for more than a few minutes, they know that one of my lifelong pleasures is reading. To not finish any books for the space of more than three months...shows just how messed up I was. I also didn't finish any knitting or crocheting projects, although I knit a bit of a scarf during music festival in early March. I knew that I had been in a bad state mentally and physically...but seeing those lists (book as well as craft) really set it in stone. Never again. If I attempt something like that again, I'll probably end up in a hospital...not just having tests run in a hospital and urgent care.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Disillusionment
As I grow older, I unfortunately see more of what is wrong with the world, and how little seems to really work to change it. When it gets late at night, and I am in the least logical time of month, well, it leads to a pretty intense disillusionment with tears.
I think of how women 40, 50 years ago didn't generally have to work outside the home. DO NOT GET ME WRONG ON THIS ONE-working as a stay-at-home-mom, or even just as a house-wife IS work. Now, however, most households are two-earners...yet the standard of living is approximately the same. And women and men are required to work longer hours at work and at home just to survive. This leads to much greater levels of stress, and in turn, health risks.
Don't get me wrong on this either, I am grateful that women are encouraged to be independent and have careers.
What I am getting at is that things have changed. It's not a choice, it's a necessity for many that there are two earners.
I'm of the belief that most children do best when they have a parent stay at home with them until they are of school-age, and do best when, until 10 or 11 (and sometimes even later) there is a parent around when they come home from school.
That doesn't happen much anymore.
Now, kids can do well in daycare, if it is well-run, and the staff are well-trained and caring. The two centres that I have worked at were places that, had I been required to, I would have been 'okay' leaving my child (in the metaphorical sense). The staff were well trained, there was a low turnover rate, and the kids got a lot of physical activity, along with an emphasis on the importance of reading.
But would I have wanted my child to be there, not really. Yes, staff take care of the children, and do the best they can. Children are offered the opportunity to develop friendships with other children.
Some of my main objections to the daycare system include:
-much harder for children to have all necessary 'alone' and 'quiet' time. Children are loud, that is normal...in a house, a child can easily chill out (even in a pretty busy house) in a quiet spot. They can easily daydream in the backyard, or hide out under their bed or under the stairs with a book. It's much harder to escape it when you are in one big room with 4, 6, 8, 10, in a large centre run out of a gym (schoolage in the situation that I worked at) as many as 50 (ish) other people!
-let's just say that the health standards for the food are not what I would put into my child. Again, doing the best that they can...maybe...or perhaps just not educated enough. But the one daycare DID serve bologna to kids. YIKES with a capital WHAT WERE/ARE THEY THINKING?! And the other served hotdogs.
-children were somewhat more regimented and less able to entertain themselves.
-Less able to be individualized...this in my mind is particularly important for children in regards to naps. Some two year olds may be able to give up naps (but most not), sometimes six-year-olds need naps. In the one daycare, yes, children up to age five COULD potentially take a nap if their parents wanted them to, or if staff (depending on parent's requests) felt that they particularly needed one on a given day, but there was a limit as to how many cots could be out in the room at a certain time. In one instance, a little girl who was clearly tired, cranky, and needing a nap had to wait for another child to wake up so that she could go down for a much needed rest. This was for security and safety regulations in the room, and was needed for that purpose, but it is clearly better to be able to offer an individualized nap program for your child! One little boy would ALWAYS fall asleep at about noon, and would sleep until he had to be woken up at 2:30. It was clear upon being awoken that he really did need to sleep for longer, but it wasn't possible in this situation. His parents even mentioned that on the weekends he would sleep longer and still go to bed at a normal 2-year-old time, so it wasn't one of those cases where kids like to get their sleep schedules mixed up and just sleep during the day and be awake during the night.
-Children are introduced to peer pressure at an earlier age. Peer pressure can be both positive and negative at any age. Sometimes, such as in the case of a 2-3 year old class where many are in the process of potty training, this can be helpful. But on the flip side, there can be many negative things that start up that much earlier by having a group of children together most days of the week for several hours at a time.
-Because caregivers in daycares will have anywhere from 3-15 children under their care/charge at any one time (unless they are a 'special' for a child with additional support needs-the new politically correct term) depending on their age and the area where one is located (Where I am, it is 1:4 for children under age 2, 1:6 for two year olds, 1:8 for preschool age (this can include 2 year olds if they are included with children at least 3 years old), 1:10 for kindergarten and 1:15 for school age (6 and over), certain things can and do happen from time to time. Biting between children ages 3 and under is not uncommon, and is sometimes hard to stop, even amongst the most diligent of caregivers. This is less likely to happen if a caregiver has fewer to watch at one time. It still happens...my mom did home daycare when I was little, and one of the children that she cared for, a girl just a few months older than me who I am still in contact with now one day put her hand in my mouth and I bit it. This probably happened when we were around 1 year old. It happens...but in a large daycare, it happens more often.
-Children are sometimes encouraged or required to switch activities when it would seem that all are still enjoying what they are doing. My feeling is that daycares do not really boost the attention spans of children. Now, if it is a matter of sharing, then definitely work out a system to do so. Children do need to learn to share, and the younger the better...but there is a difference between sharing, and being forced to change activities when what the child is doing is learning how to increase their focus, concentration and attention span.
-Because of regulations that are there for a reason (a necessary one), children have less ability to be independent, and are definitely waited on hand a foot a bit more in a daycare. Caregivers have to pour milk for instance, even for the 11 and 12 year olds. I don't know about you, but I was pouring milk for myself at a much earlier age. In fact, the ONLY thing that goes into children's mouths that is NOT measured and handed to a child by a caregiver is water. And even that is only a 'sometimes' thing. It is also not possible for a child who is say, 10 or 11, to go out and ride their bike except on a 'bike day' around the parking lot. This is an example of how being with a parent caregiver provides children with more independence then a daycare. When I was 10 I most definitely was able to ride my bike on my own in the neighbourhood in my boundaries and wearing a watch or carrying a timer so that I would check in every so often (this amount of time increased as I got older-I think it started out at 15 minutes. By about 14, so long as I told when I was going out and wasn't out after dark there was definitely no limits to how long I could be out. I probably didn't really have boundaries then, but did kind of stick to the ones from my younger years. Habits and all).
-It is harder to attach to someone when you have several different staff providing you with care throughout the day. In fact, when one little girl at the first daycare I worked at developed a particularly close relationship with me, it was somewhat discouraged. I think it is there so that when a child moves to a different room, or a teacher leaves, the pain is less. But would you say to a child "Oh, don't grow attached to your mother, father, grandma, aunt...because you might move, or they might die and then you'll have pain" ?
I have more reasons why I do not want my future children to be in daycare someday, especially a large daycare centre, but some of them are harder to write out. My top reason is that it is simply harder to raise your children in the way you really want to raise them when they are not with you for a large percentage of their waking hours. Say I told a daycare centre that I was vegetarian, and raising my children that way and that they also did not drink cow's milk (all things that I intend to do). Very hard for them to follow those guidelines, I would have to bring in separate snacks and soy milk (no almond milk in daycare centres because of the nuts) and they would still frown on it. My friend C's daughter D is 2.5 years old and in the daycare centre at my university. C is not raising D vegetarian, but D will not eat meat at this point, so C figures that she might as well offer vegetarian options alongside still offering D meat choices. The daycare doesn't seem to view something like chickpeas in the same category as chicken, despite the fact that they are in the same food group! Meat AND Alternatives...
And say I felt that my child at age 5 (kindergarten) should still have a nap or quiet time in the afternoon. Most likely, that would not be a possibility, even if it was what they truly needed.
What about movies? Many daycares offer a movie once a week. If I wasn't keen on the movies that they were showing-not because they were harmful, but because they were just plain junk and I felt that my child would be better off colouring, playing with blocks, looking at books, dress-up, just-about-anything-else...well...most likely not an option.
Except in religious daycares that specifically offer a religious basis...my child would not be exposed to any kind of faith during those hours. Not even by a staff member with the same beliefs in private with my child. My parents did not 'force religion down my throat', but offered it in ways throughout the day/night that helped me to grow.
This is just one way that I was feeling disillusioned tonight. That families are struggling so much to maintain a pretty basic lifestyle and that the prospects for change are not looking good. What's next, all children over the age of 8 have to work to help out? In our society with school and the types of jobs that are out there, that is just not possible. When 'helping out' meant helping on the family farm by weeding the vegetable garden with your mother that was one thing, or learning carpentry alongside your father...but it is definitely happening that teens are actually having to drop out of highschool, or take longer to graduate to take on poorly-paying jobs so that their families can pay the bills and keep food on the table. And I wonder where my generation is going to be when we hit 'retirement' age. Can't rely on any care from the government to survive, I'm sure that CPP (Canada Pension Plan) and OAS (Old Age Security) will be completely gone in about 20-25 years, if not sooner. There is a reason that retirement is supposed to come out-it's called the body and brain age to a point where it is not possible to properly perform a job any longer. Yet I see people well over the age of 65 working in places like Wal-Mart (when I dare to venture in), fast-food places and even things like gas stations more and more.
I generally maintain that a relatively simple lifestyle is best. I am more of an experiences person than a things person. I am very happy to spend a lot of my leisure time doing things like baking with a friend, playing an instrument, listening to music and reading a book, or knitting. The vast majority of what I knit leaves the house. Yes, you can argue that my instrument cost me $8000. That is completely true, and I will never deny that. Most of my entertainment comes from relatively inexpensive sources however. I haven't been to see a movie in three years, I don't play video games or online games (those things can rack up prices pretty quickly), I definitely don't gamble or go out for expensive things like water parks, paintball, laser tag etc...
And when it does come down to it, I am now 'paying' probably less than a dollar for each time I pick up my flute (again, this is metaphorically speaking). From the way I've seen things, a lot of electrical equipment probably lasts to about $1 a usage. Things just aren't made to last, and gaming systems certainly seem to break down quickly, or 'need' to be upgraded, along with the games. Although I do buy books, many of the ones are hand-me-downs, and I also frequent my public library and university library system.
I'm disillusioned with politics, and the way things are going. I'm disillusioned that the 99% are struggling more, and the 1% getting wealthier and wealthier. I'm disillusioned that so little seems to be done to care for the planet (even if every person just did one little thing it would be a big help). I'm disillusioned when I hear of violence.
I do try to live with the mantra of changing myself first and foremost because really, that's all I can do...reach out in the ways I can...but I feel so horrible when it seems like nothing ever happens for the better.
If you've actually read to the bottom of this post, congratulations. This was the late-night ramblings of a tearful young woman concerned about her future and more importantly, the future of the planet that we call Earth...
I think of how women 40, 50 years ago didn't generally have to work outside the home. DO NOT GET ME WRONG ON THIS ONE-working as a stay-at-home-mom, or even just as a house-wife IS work. Now, however, most households are two-earners...yet the standard of living is approximately the same. And women and men are required to work longer hours at work and at home just to survive. This leads to much greater levels of stress, and in turn, health risks.
Don't get me wrong on this either, I am grateful that women are encouraged to be independent and have careers.
What I am getting at is that things have changed. It's not a choice, it's a necessity for many that there are two earners.
I'm of the belief that most children do best when they have a parent stay at home with them until they are of school-age, and do best when, until 10 or 11 (and sometimes even later) there is a parent around when they come home from school.
That doesn't happen much anymore.
Now, kids can do well in daycare, if it is well-run, and the staff are well-trained and caring. The two centres that I have worked at were places that, had I been required to, I would have been 'okay' leaving my child (in the metaphorical sense). The staff were well trained, there was a low turnover rate, and the kids got a lot of physical activity, along with an emphasis on the importance of reading.
But would I have wanted my child to be there, not really. Yes, staff take care of the children, and do the best they can. Children are offered the opportunity to develop friendships with other children.
Some of my main objections to the daycare system include:
-much harder for children to have all necessary 'alone' and 'quiet' time. Children are loud, that is normal...in a house, a child can easily chill out (even in a pretty busy house) in a quiet spot. They can easily daydream in the backyard, or hide out under their bed or under the stairs with a book. It's much harder to escape it when you are in one big room with 4, 6, 8, 10, in a large centre run out of a gym (schoolage in the situation that I worked at) as many as 50 (ish) other people!
-let's just say that the health standards for the food are not what I would put into my child. Again, doing the best that they can...maybe...or perhaps just not educated enough. But the one daycare DID serve bologna to kids. YIKES with a capital WHAT WERE/ARE THEY THINKING?! And the other served hotdogs.
-children were somewhat more regimented and less able to entertain themselves.
-Less able to be individualized...this in my mind is particularly important for children in regards to naps. Some two year olds may be able to give up naps (but most not), sometimes six-year-olds need naps. In the one daycare, yes, children up to age five COULD potentially take a nap if their parents wanted them to, or if staff (depending on parent's requests) felt that they particularly needed one on a given day, but there was a limit as to how many cots could be out in the room at a certain time. In one instance, a little girl who was clearly tired, cranky, and needing a nap had to wait for another child to wake up so that she could go down for a much needed rest. This was for security and safety regulations in the room, and was needed for that purpose, but it is clearly better to be able to offer an individualized nap program for your child! One little boy would ALWAYS fall asleep at about noon, and would sleep until he had to be woken up at 2:30. It was clear upon being awoken that he really did need to sleep for longer, but it wasn't possible in this situation. His parents even mentioned that on the weekends he would sleep longer and still go to bed at a normal 2-year-old time, so it wasn't one of those cases where kids like to get their sleep schedules mixed up and just sleep during the day and be awake during the night.
-Children are introduced to peer pressure at an earlier age. Peer pressure can be both positive and negative at any age. Sometimes, such as in the case of a 2-3 year old class where many are in the process of potty training, this can be helpful. But on the flip side, there can be many negative things that start up that much earlier by having a group of children together most days of the week for several hours at a time.
-Because caregivers in daycares will have anywhere from 3-15 children under their care/charge at any one time (unless they are a 'special' for a child with additional support needs-the new politically correct term) depending on their age and the area where one is located (Where I am, it is 1:4 for children under age 2, 1:6 for two year olds, 1:8 for preschool age (this can include 2 year olds if they are included with children at least 3 years old), 1:10 for kindergarten and 1:15 for school age (6 and over), certain things can and do happen from time to time. Biting between children ages 3 and under is not uncommon, and is sometimes hard to stop, even amongst the most diligent of caregivers. This is less likely to happen if a caregiver has fewer to watch at one time. It still happens...my mom did home daycare when I was little, and one of the children that she cared for, a girl just a few months older than me who I am still in contact with now one day put her hand in my mouth and I bit it. This probably happened when we were around 1 year old. It happens...but in a large daycare, it happens more often.
-Children are sometimes encouraged or required to switch activities when it would seem that all are still enjoying what they are doing. My feeling is that daycares do not really boost the attention spans of children. Now, if it is a matter of sharing, then definitely work out a system to do so. Children do need to learn to share, and the younger the better...but there is a difference between sharing, and being forced to change activities when what the child is doing is learning how to increase their focus, concentration and attention span.
-Because of regulations that are there for a reason (a necessary one), children have less ability to be independent, and are definitely waited on hand a foot a bit more in a daycare. Caregivers have to pour milk for instance, even for the 11 and 12 year olds. I don't know about you, but I was pouring milk for myself at a much earlier age. In fact, the ONLY thing that goes into children's mouths that is NOT measured and handed to a child by a caregiver is water. And even that is only a 'sometimes' thing. It is also not possible for a child who is say, 10 or 11, to go out and ride their bike except on a 'bike day' around the parking lot. This is an example of how being with a parent caregiver provides children with more independence then a daycare. When I was 10 I most definitely was able to ride my bike on my own in the neighbourhood in my boundaries and wearing a watch or carrying a timer so that I would check in every so often (this amount of time increased as I got older-I think it started out at 15 minutes. By about 14, so long as I told when I was going out and wasn't out after dark there was definitely no limits to how long I could be out. I probably didn't really have boundaries then, but did kind of stick to the ones from my younger years. Habits and all).
-It is harder to attach to someone when you have several different staff providing you with care throughout the day. In fact, when one little girl at the first daycare I worked at developed a particularly close relationship with me, it was somewhat discouraged. I think it is there so that when a child moves to a different room, or a teacher leaves, the pain is less. But would you say to a child "Oh, don't grow attached to your mother, father, grandma, aunt...because you might move, or they might die and then you'll have pain" ?
I have more reasons why I do not want my future children to be in daycare someday, especially a large daycare centre, but some of them are harder to write out. My top reason is that it is simply harder to raise your children in the way you really want to raise them when they are not with you for a large percentage of their waking hours. Say I told a daycare centre that I was vegetarian, and raising my children that way and that they also did not drink cow's milk (all things that I intend to do). Very hard for them to follow those guidelines, I would have to bring in separate snacks and soy milk (no almond milk in daycare centres because of the nuts) and they would still frown on it. My friend C's daughter D is 2.5 years old and in the daycare centre at my university. C is not raising D vegetarian, but D will not eat meat at this point, so C figures that she might as well offer vegetarian options alongside still offering D meat choices. The daycare doesn't seem to view something like chickpeas in the same category as chicken, despite the fact that they are in the same food group! Meat AND Alternatives...
And say I felt that my child at age 5 (kindergarten) should still have a nap or quiet time in the afternoon. Most likely, that would not be a possibility, even if it was what they truly needed.
What about movies? Many daycares offer a movie once a week. If I wasn't keen on the movies that they were showing-not because they were harmful, but because they were just plain junk and I felt that my child would be better off colouring, playing with blocks, looking at books, dress-up, just-about-anything-else...well...most likely not an option.
Except in religious daycares that specifically offer a religious basis...my child would not be exposed to any kind of faith during those hours. Not even by a staff member with the same beliefs in private with my child. My parents did not 'force religion down my throat', but offered it in ways throughout the day/night that helped me to grow.
This is just one way that I was feeling disillusioned tonight. That families are struggling so much to maintain a pretty basic lifestyle and that the prospects for change are not looking good. What's next, all children over the age of 8 have to work to help out? In our society with school and the types of jobs that are out there, that is just not possible. When 'helping out' meant helping on the family farm by weeding the vegetable garden with your mother that was one thing, or learning carpentry alongside your father...but it is definitely happening that teens are actually having to drop out of highschool, or take longer to graduate to take on poorly-paying jobs so that their families can pay the bills and keep food on the table. And I wonder where my generation is going to be when we hit 'retirement' age. Can't rely on any care from the government to survive, I'm sure that CPP (Canada Pension Plan) and OAS (Old Age Security) will be completely gone in about 20-25 years, if not sooner. There is a reason that retirement is supposed to come out-it's called the body and brain age to a point where it is not possible to properly perform a job any longer. Yet I see people well over the age of 65 working in places like Wal-Mart (when I dare to venture in), fast-food places and even things like gas stations more and more.
I generally maintain that a relatively simple lifestyle is best. I am more of an experiences person than a things person. I am very happy to spend a lot of my leisure time doing things like baking with a friend, playing an instrument, listening to music and reading a book, or knitting. The vast majority of what I knit leaves the house. Yes, you can argue that my instrument cost me $8000. That is completely true, and I will never deny that. Most of my entertainment comes from relatively inexpensive sources however. I haven't been to see a movie in three years, I don't play video games or online games (those things can rack up prices pretty quickly), I definitely don't gamble or go out for expensive things like water parks, paintball, laser tag etc...
And when it does come down to it, I am now 'paying' probably less than a dollar for each time I pick up my flute (again, this is metaphorically speaking). From the way I've seen things, a lot of electrical equipment probably lasts to about $1 a usage. Things just aren't made to last, and gaming systems certainly seem to break down quickly, or 'need' to be upgraded, along with the games. Although I do buy books, many of the ones are hand-me-downs, and I also frequent my public library and university library system.
I'm disillusioned with politics, and the way things are going. I'm disillusioned that the 99% are struggling more, and the 1% getting wealthier and wealthier. I'm disillusioned that so little seems to be done to care for the planet (even if every person just did one little thing it would be a big help). I'm disillusioned when I hear of violence.
I do try to live with the mantra of changing myself first and foremost because really, that's all I can do...reach out in the ways I can...but I feel so horrible when it seems like nothing ever happens for the better.
If you've actually read to the bottom of this post, congratulations. This was the late-night ramblings of a tearful young woman concerned about her future and more importantly, the future of the planet that we call Earth...
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Sundays...not supposed to be this eventful!
Summer sundays are not typically this eventful for me! Day started with me waking up from having what I would call a disturbing or unsettling dream. It was kind of a reverse history dream...my mom was alive and it was ME that was going in for surgery. It was probably triggered by reading a bit about congenital heart defects and whatnot. Either way...the dreams in which my mom are healthy are hard. The strangest thing was that I never actually got the surgery. Somehow, our little public library was connected to the hospital, and my minister was there, wishing me luck...but then I ended up in our church's sunday school hall to go to the bake sale. I was perusing the jams/jellies sections when I was woken up.
My dad was guest preaching/filling in at one of the struggling presbyterian churches in our city this morning...a church without air conditioning...when the temperature this afternoon went up to 34 degrees. Needless to say, during that hour, my heart got put under some stress, and I don't know how much longer I could have tolerated the heat. It was on the second floor of the church too, and there was almost no breeze this morning, so having the windows open and the fans on really didn't do anything. In total, including my dad, myself, and the church organist...there were a total of 18 people there. Hence why I say that the church is struggling. Anyways...it was hot. Period. My dad did all right though-writing sermons is not exactly his strong suit, and he tends to get a bit excited when presenting and typically stumbles a bit over words during scripture readings. What sort of bothered me was that the pew bibles were not the same version/edition as the pulpit bible. I sometimes like to follow along, but had to stop because my brain hurt from trying to combine them!
After the service, I took him out to Moxies, because I had a 'buy one brunch, get one free', so we enjoyed that. I figured that the rest of the day would be pretty uneventful, but around 4:30, I noticed that the very hot sunny day had started turning less-than-sunny. We had quite the thunderstorm, although it was relatively short lived and THANKFULLY cooled things down pretty quickly. However, about halfway through watching Masterpiece Mystery together (because we're cool like that...), the phone rang, and it was my sister. I guess her end of the city had things a bit more severely than we did, because one of the trees in her backyard was uprooted and crashed down on her garage, and a powerline was also knocked down by it. Though she strangely still has power. Let's just say that hearing things like that is pretty shocking, especially as less than a month ago, she was again 'spared' when the guys installing her air conditioner told her that her furnace had a six inch crack in it and that she was pretty lucky that she hadn't been exposed to toxic levels of carbon monoxide poisoning (as she did not have a CO alarm at the time).
It's been less than a year since she bought the house, but she has certainly had her share of the "Joy of owning a home" experiences in that time.
Experiences like today remind you of how much you love someone...and how easily things can go wrong.
My dad was guest preaching/filling in at one of the struggling presbyterian churches in our city this morning...a church without air conditioning...when the temperature this afternoon went up to 34 degrees. Needless to say, during that hour, my heart got put under some stress, and I don't know how much longer I could have tolerated the heat. It was on the second floor of the church too, and there was almost no breeze this morning, so having the windows open and the fans on really didn't do anything. In total, including my dad, myself, and the church organist...there were a total of 18 people there. Hence why I say that the church is struggling. Anyways...it was hot. Period. My dad did all right though-writing sermons is not exactly his strong suit, and he tends to get a bit excited when presenting and typically stumbles a bit over words during scripture readings. What sort of bothered me was that the pew bibles were not the same version/edition as the pulpit bible. I sometimes like to follow along, but had to stop because my brain hurt from trying to combine them!
After the service, I took him out to Moxies, because I had a 'buy one brunch, get one free', so we enjoyed that. I figured that the rest of the day would be pretty uneventful, but around 4:30, I noticed that the very hot sunny day had started turning less-than-sunny. We had quite the thunderstorm, although it was relatively short lived and THANKFULLY cooled things down pretty quickly. However, about halfway through watching Masterpiece Mystery together (because we're cool like that...), the phone rang, and it was my sister. I guess her end of the city had things a bit more severely than we did, because one of the trees in her backyard was uprooted and crashed down on her garage, and a powerline was also knocked down by it. Though she strangely still has power. Let's just say that hearing things like that is pretty shocking, especially as less than a month ago, she was again 'spared' when the guys installing her air conditioner told her that her furnace had a six inch crack in it and that she was pretty lucky that she hadn't been exposed to toxic levels of carbon monoxide poisoning (as she did not have a CO alarm at the time).
It's been less than a year since she bought the house, but she has certainly had her share of the "Joy of owning a home" experiences in that time.
Experiences like today remind you of how much you love someone...and how easily things can go wrong.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Surgery...takes a while to heal from...
Going into getting my wisdom teeth removed, I figured that I would feel some pain (hoped that it would be fine with just advil, which it was), would probably swell (yes, I did, to a ridiculous level where my normally thin cheeks were so big and heavy that when I got up to walk around I would literally gently hold them up), and would have a bit of bruising (yes, but not that bad...mostly just a yellow patch on my left cheek).
What I didn't anticipate was how run-down it would make me feel, and for how long. It's now been almost a week, yet, I am still unable to rise at my normal time, despite going to bed with plenty of time to sleep. Let's just say I'm not too keen on sleeping for 10 hours every night. Right now, my bed is covered in things like my knitting basket, slippers, photo albums, yoga mat, running shoes, cell phone charger, purse, backpack...all those things that normally stay on my floor, but are up there because this morning I told myself that I WAS GOING TO VACUUM MY ROOM. My sudden inspiration that I should vacuum my closet too and not just the 'highlights' only worsened the situation. As I was moving things, my legs started to get that energy-drain feeling. Unfortunately, it is now a feeling that I know all too well.
So, I sit on my bedroom floor with my bed covered in everything, and not enough energy to run the vacuum or even to just move everything. Sigh.
I guess healing takes a while, and takes longer when your body has another struggle to overcome (my heart)...but I would like to be back to normal! No one told me that it was going to be so long of a healing period, all I was told was to "take it easy for a day or so". Perhaps if I'd known that recovery would take longer for me, I wouldn't be so frustrated with myself. Meanwhile, my brain ponders the possibility of sleeping on my bedroom floor tonight...
What I didn't anticipate was how run-down it would make me feel, and for how long. It's now been almost a week, yet, I am still unable to rise at my normal time, despite going to bed with plenty of time to sleep. Let's just say I'm not too keen on sleeping for 10 hours every night. Right now, my bed is covered in things like my knitting basket, slippers, photo albums, yoga mat, running shoes, cell phone charger, purse, backpack...all those things that normally stay on my floor, but are up there because this morning I told myself that I WAS GOING TO VACUUM MY ROOM. My sudden inspiration that I should vacuum my closet too and not just the 'highlights' only worsened the situation. As I was moving things, my legs started to get that energy-drain feeling. Unfortunately, it is now a feeling that I know all too well.
So, I sit on my bedroom floor with my bed covered in everything, and not enough energy to run the vacuum or even to just move everything. Sigh.
I guess healing takes a while, and takes longer when your body has another struggle to overcome (my heart)...but I would like to be back to normal! No one told me that it was going to be so long of a healing period, all I was told was to "take it easy for a day or so". Perhaps if I'd known that recovery would take longer for me, I wouldn't be so frustrated with myself. Meanwhile, my brain ponders the possibility of sleeping on my bedroom floor tonight...
Friday, July 20, 2012
Chipmunk Mode
I have entered into chipmunk mode, AKA, I had my wisdom teeth out at around 12:30 today. All things told, it really wasn't that bad, that worst part of today was the starting of the IV. No matter how much I insisted that it WOULD NOT work on my right arm, they still insisted on trying, because my veins appear more prominent there. They thought that they had it in, and started injecting the sedation medicines, but all that did was cause me to be in intense pain, while not drifting off to sleep. Finally, they switched it to my left arm, and in about 2 seconds, I was out, and the next thing I knew I was waking up. I don't think that I was that spacey, but I don't remember much of the car ride to the pharmacy, although I DO remember running into my piano teacher there, and then rambling on about the conference, the student she had referred to me, and Mrs. Treble Clef and Mr. Bass Clef...
Glad that she has known me for almost 20 years now...
So far, it has not been very painful, I am getting by pretty well on just advil. Mostly, it actually seems to be my cheeks that are hurting from the swelling, and I know that that is only going to increase over the next day or so, but the advil is also an anti-inflammatory and should help with that. In all honesty, doing my stress test, although shorter, was harder on me.
Glad that she has known me for almost 20 years now...
So far, it has not been very painful, I am getting by pretty well on just advil. Mostly, it actually seems to be my cheeks that are hurting from the swelling, and I know that that is only going to increase over the next day or so, but the advil is also an anti-inflammatory and should help with that. In all honesty, doing my stress test, although shorter, was harder on me.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Exhausted, but happy
I am utterly exhausted now, even though it is only 8pm. Although, my body does think that it is 9pm because from saturday until the plane left at 2:30 this afternoon, I was a timezone further east. A wonderful conference, with many great memories and lots of education to help me in my teaching, but now I am tired!
Friday I go in to get my wisdom teeth out. Obviously not looking forward to that, and there is still that bad gut-feeling that going under general anaesthesia was the wrong choice for me to make...I guess only time will tell.
Friday I go in to get my wisdom teeth out. Obviously not looking forward to that, and there is still that bad gut-feeling that going under general anaesthesia was the wrong choice for me to make...I guess only time will tell.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Term Insurance
Long story about what has been going on lately, but I've applied for term insurance. Applied, and I have no clue if I will be accepted. My medical history kind of makes me nervous that I won't. Being born with my heart condition, I certainly couldn't help that-if that's what disqualifies me, then there is nothing that I can do about it. But no one told me at 15 that getting diagnosed with depression could someday make it so that I couldn't get insurance. Note that term insurance is different than life insurance. Term insurance, you are covered for a certain period of time, with lower premiums and less hidden print. It is through Primerica, so the phrase "Buy term and save the difference" is what we go by. Part of the reason I am applying now is that things are NOT going to get better on the heart front, only more likely to make me denied coverage. On the mental exclusion front, well, time will help that...
It's not that I personally need insurance at this point in my life...but let's fast forward to ten years down the road. Maybe I'm married and have a child. I am then at a point where I DO likely need insurance, but it's only going to be more challenging to get then, as my heart is likely to continue gradually worsening to the point where medications and/or surgery are necessary to fix or replace my valve. I wish I had done this back in October, then I would only have had one big exclusion mark against me, not two possible ones.
Having to tell the company over the phone about my eating disorder past was hard. Is it at a very manageable point at this time in my life? Yes. Did I feel like I was being judged when I talked about still involving myself actively in doing a group and seeing a dietician from time to time to make sure that I am still on the right track? YES.
It could be some time before I hear about this, and even if I am denied, it is not the be-all-and-end-all...if I am denied coverage, at least I know and can prepare in other ways, such as investing more. If I am accepted, then I am covered for 35 years...
I haven't felt this stressed for some time, but I do now. And it is not a nice kind of stress in the least.
It's not that I personally need insurance at this point in my life...but let's fast forward to ten years down the road. Maybe I'm married and have a child. I am then at a point where I DO likely need insurance, but it's only going to be more challenging to get then, as my heart is likely to continue gradually worsening to the point where medications and/or surgery are necessary to fix or replace my valve. I wish I had done this back in October, then I would only have had one big exclusion mark against me, not two possible ones.
Having to tell the company over the phone about my eating disorder past was hard. Is it at a very manageable point at this time in my life? Yes. Did I feel like I was being judged when I talked about still involving myself actively in doing a group and seeing a dietician from time to time to make sure that I am still on the right track? YES.
It could be some time before I hear about this, and even if I am denied, it is not the be-all-and-end-all...if I am denied coverage, at least I know and can prepare in other ways, such as investing more. If I am accepted, then I am covered for 35 years...
I haven't felt this stressed for some time, but I do now. And it is not a nice kind of stress in the least.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Bernat Baby Blanket Corner to Corner Blanket
Sometimes, it's nice to have a blanket made from REALLY thick yarn because it works up so fast! This one didn't take very long at all to make. It's a corner to corner blanket in a seed stitch pattern-so you increase or decrease every other row. The seed stitch means that it's Knit 1, Purl 1 all the way across, giving it a bit more texture. Because Wal-Mart didn't have enough of any single colour, I figured that combining two would work out okay, and it did. So, here it is in Baby Blue and Funny Prints. I decided that I would just knit until I was out of yarn/almost out of yarn on the "10th row of pattern" so it's a bit larger than the pattern specified. Oh well. I have no problems with that, and I'm sure some small child will not either! I never understand the patterns that have baby blankets only, say, 28 x 27 inches. If you have a well-knit or crocheted baby blanket, you will want it to last well into their childhood. Mine was definitely an adequate blanket until I hit around double digits in age. Okay, so I was a strange child in that I was stunted in growth (or so it seemed), but either way, mine lasted a LONG time in it's original blanket on bed/couch type of function. It is STILL on my pillow every night, and I have definitely been known to put it around my shoulders while studying or working on late night essays. My good friend B. told me that until just a few months ago, her blankie was on her pillow every night...until she found a guy and felt that she didn't need it anymore. And she is 26!
Anyways...
Anyways...
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Bernat Baby Sport Round Blanket
I finished the edging for this one last night. It probably only took about 2 weeks of crocheting, and it was not the only one that I was working on. Although I did get kind of obsessive with it the past few days! Like yesterday, I was determined to finish the edging!!! It really introduced me to several techniques that I had not done before including crocheting in the round, a 'shell' type stitch, treble crochet (in the edging) and picot edging. I am pretty happy with the results, and very pleased with the colour that I found at Zellers, called "Pretty Girl". I'm hoping that it will show up online as well at some point, but I have yet to see it on the Bernat website.
I like that it is 'more' than a full circle-adds a little bit more to snuggle up with. I still have several projects on the go (what else is new?!) and will have to buy some more yarn to create a special blanket for a friend who is going to have a baby! Fellow flute player-it's her third child, but that doesn't make it any less exciting-for any of us! I'm thinking that I'll find a nice mint-green and make a feather and fan blanket...as I typically do for my friends, due to it's significance. Project Linus I will experiment for, but for my friends-the Feather and Fan blanket.
I like that it is 'more' than a full circle-adds a little bit more to snuggle up with. I still have several projects on the go (what else is new?!) and will have to buy some more yarn to create a special blanket for a friend who is going to have a baby! Fellow flute player-it's her third child, but that doesn't make it any less exciting-for any of us! I'm thinking that I'll find a nice mint-green and make a feather and fan blanket...as I typically do for my friends, due to it's significance. Project Linus I will experiment for, but for my friends-the Feather and Fan blanket.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Summer= More blankets for Project Linus
As those who read this blog last year know, I spent a lot of time last year beginning in February and continuing through August knitting, crocheting, and creating fleece blankets for Bernat's Project Linus Knit-Along and Crochet-Along. In total during those months, I created 15 blankets for the drive, of which I posted pictures online. Well, it's summer, which means time to knit and crochet again! I finally took the pictures of the blankets I have completed so far this year and so, in all their cuddliness, here they are:
This one is a Stripes and Textures blanket in Bernat Baby Cakes, a cuddly blend of cotton and acrylic which has unfortunately been discontinued. Somehow, it always seems like the more practical or fun yarns and the best colours are always the ones that get discontinued...
I started this one last summer, and finished knitting the sides yesterday. Some parts were not that difficult (like the simple blue and yellow stripes) but the pink pattern drove me slightly crazy! And picking up the stitches along the sides was not the most fun thing in the world. Still, the bright results and the many different stitches were fun to combine, and I like the end picture.
Because this is ME, it's naturally a crochet Wavy Ripple blanket using Bernat Baby Coordinates. Again, one that I started last summer and found in my knitting/crocheting basket when I went looking a few weeks ago. I used leftovers from other projects, and lined up the colours to create a rainbow effect. If only my tension had been the same last year and this year. I guess it's part of only having done a handful of crochet projects so far.
Yet another Wavy Ripple blanket in Bernat Baby Coordinates. This was from a book called Baby Gifts, and I added some extra stripes, including the Soft Mauve and the Soft Turquoise. I also decided to do a single crochet in the Soft Blue along the edges.
A knitted Fan and Feather blanket, which is the same pattern that my own knitted baby blanket-which rests at the top of my pillow each night-is in. It's done in the Pastel Shades variegated colour of Bernat Super Value yarn.
At last count, I had five more blankets on the go. I figure a couple of them will be finished before the week is over. And now I am very tired!
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Explain this one...
Last September, when my dad and sister went east for two weeks, I was happy for them, enjoyed having the house to myself, etc etc. My dad left for a twelve day trip to Great Britain today, very early this morning. It's his first time over there since he was 21...my age. He's now 63. So explain why I am feeling, well, lonely?Perhaps even, scared? (!!!) I guess I'm just at a different place then I was in September. September, before I heard those words that changed everything, "You have a heart murmur, did you know that?". Before I started having problems breathing, and eating (physically).
I'm sure it will improve tomorrow. I think this is just a sign that I need to see people my own age again, and SOON. And really chill. I guess things were different because in September, I was in school. And I have to say that I didn't feel slightly creeped out with the windows open, because they weren't! Now, well, I got a bit creeped out when I was downstairs cataloguing yarn/putting yarn away while watching I dream of Jeannie and the windows were open upstairs. But, I wasn't about to just close them up and negate all the cooling evening air. I guess it was really only the living room and dining room windows that bothered me, because they are the ones that are big enough-and low enough-to the ground that someone could come in them. The others, yes, someone could come in them, but they're pretty high up. You'd have to be quite tall and strong or have a ladder to manage it.
I guess this is also part of having entered into the 3 weeks on for more challenging depression. Generally, it seems like I have three weeks of harder depression, and one week where it isn't so bad. It kind of messes up the brain. (Kind of?)
Cataloguing yarn. Having inherited a lot of yarn...in addition to buying a lot on my own...there is a lot of yarn in the house. Fortunately, it catalogues faster than music! A large percentage of it was catalogued and stored back neatly in the closet in the library this evening. Basically the only thing in that closet is yarn. Yarn in boxes, yarn in the two dressers that used to be in my room when I was a little girl, yarn in a couple of bags. Some other craft supplies are in a cardboard chest of drawers that also used to be in my room. For many years it stored sorted barbie things...Now, it stores needle point, embroidery, glue guns, beads...
As I often say to my friends, there are a few things that my house has in abundance: Yarn, fabric, music(both print and recorded), and books. I guess I can add musical instruments to the list as well!
One of the things I want to do this summer is make my first true quilt, and then donate it to Project Linus. I just finished another crochet blanket for Project Linus today, and with all the fabric around, it would be a nice challenge to learn something new. I've done some sewing in the past, but not for a couple of years. Well, I guess about two years exactly...I think that I probably did one or two things after my mom got sick. When it comes to sewing I dearly wish that I had her around for guidance, but I guess I'll just have to rely on my memory and on Sewing for Dummies and any other books that I've since purchased on the subject!
Enough for now. Writing has actually helped soothe me, and I think I'll go take a nice hot bath and then go to bed...with a good 'comfort book' and some music of course!
I'm sure it will improve tomorrow. I think this is just a sign that I need to see people my own age again, and SOON. And really chill. I guess things were different because in September, I was in school. And I have to say that I didn't feel slightly creeped out with the windows open, because they weren't! Now, well, I got a bit creeped out when I was downstairs cataloguing yarn/putting yarn away while watching I dream of Jeannie and the windows were open upstairs. But, I wasn't about to just close them up and negate all the cooling evening air. I guess it was really only the living room and dining room windows that bothered me, because they are the ones that are big enough-and low enough-to the ground that someone could come in them. The others, yes, someone could come in them, but they're pretty high up. You'd have to be quite tall and strong or have a ladder to manage it.
I guess this is also part of having entered into the 3 weeks on for more challenging depression. Generally, it seems like I have three weeks of harder depression, and one week where it isn't so bad. It kind of messes up the brain. (Kind of?)
Cataloguing yarn. Having inherited a lot of yarn...in addition to buying a lot on my own...there is a lot of yarn in the house. Fortunately, it catalogues faster than music! A large percentage of it was catalogued and stored back neatly in the closet in the library this evening. Basically the only thing in that closet is yarn. Yarn in boxes, yarn in the two dressers that used to be in my room when I was a little girl, yarn in a couple of bags. Some other craft supplies are in a cardboard chest of drawers that also used to be in my room. For many years it stored sorted barbie things...Now, it stores needle point, embroidery, glue guns, beads...
As I often say to my friends, there are a few things that my house has in abundance: Yarn, fabric, music(both print and recorded), and books. I guess I can add musical instruments to the list as well!
One of the things I want to do this summer is make my first true quilt, and then donate it to Project Linus. I just finished another crochet blanket for Project Linus today, and with all the fabric around, it would be a nice challenge to learn something new. I've done some sewing in the past, but not for a couple of years. Well, I guess about two years exactly...I think that I probably did one or two things after my mom got sick. When it comes to sewing I dearly wish that I had her around for guidance, but I guess I'll just have to rely on my memory and on Sewing for Dummies and any other books that I've since purchased on the subject!
Enough for now. Writing has actually helped soothe me, and I think I'll go take a nice hot bath and then go to bed...with a good 'comfort book' and some music of course!
Monday, June 4, 2012
This is a feeling, this will pass (eventually)
It's a phrase that people with eating disorders often have to say to themselves (mentally or occasionally even aloud) FREQUENTLY. Right now, it's playing through my mind, with less success than I would like to see. My brain is panicking over the smoothie, when it contained oh, 1 banana, 2/3 cup unsweetened almond milk and about 2/3 cup blueberries. It's the banana, really, that does it for me. Bananas aren't 'safe'. I'll blame that one on all the ads that show up online titled things like "5 foods never to eat" and they show a banana. Whatever the case, my brain is panicking, making my stomach feel fat, putting me into a tailspin. Complete, utter tailspin. It's the feeling of wanting to run about 100 miles yet being rooted to the floor. The only crazy thing in all of this is that although my breathing is faster, it's normal. No feeling of lacking oxygen. So, while my brain is in anguish, my body is at peace. Sigh.
I've been realizing that I need to book a doctor's appointment, just with my primary care doctor. For one thing, she's going to expect me to need a new prescription soon (actually, a month or so back), and I really should explain that I lowered the dose of seroquel, but I'm nervous to. I've tried upping the dose, but I can't get past the break-through crazy amounts of sleep. Sure, they probably would stop...eventually. But eventually is too much of a waiting game for me at this stage. Even in the summer, I have lots of things to do, like phone contacts from the last marketing event. Making phone calls is really hard for me to do. There are only a handful of people that I am comfortable phoning, and even then it's still a put-it-off game. This handful includes my current flute teacher, my most recent past flute teacher, my piano teacher, my accompanists, my ICM and well, that's about it now that one of my friends that I was in more communication on the phone with now communicates mostly online with me. If someone else phones me, that's totally okay. If someone phones me asking about MYC, then I am VERY excited and happy to talk with them, but me initiating that phone call-even though they have asked to speak with a teacher from their area-is difficult. It is a bit of a social phobia.
I should end with something positive, so I'll say that I catalogued all the major vocal scores in this house today, amongst them numerous copies of Handel's Messiah (various different publishers). Okay, so that isn't so crazy positive, but I like organizing. Plus, my living room floor is covered in various stacks of music, so doing three piles of scores was something.
I've been realizing that I need to book a doctor's appointment, just with my primary care doctor. For one thing, she's going to expect me to need a new prescription soon (actually, a month or so back), and I really should explain that I lowered the dose of seroquel, but I'm nervous to. I've tried upping the dose, but I can't get past the break-through crazy amounts of sleep. Sure, they probably would stop...eventually. But eventually is too much of a waiting game for me at this stage. Even in the summer, I have lots of things to do, like phone contacts from the last marketing event. Making phone calls is really hard for me to do. There are only a handful of people that I am comfortable phoning, and even then it's still a put-it-off game. This handful includes my current flute teacher, my most recent past flute teacher, my piano teacher, my accompanists, my ICM and well, that's about it now that one of my friends that I was in more communication on the phone with now communicates mostly online with me. If someone else phones me, that's totally okay. If someone phones me asking about MYC, then I am VERY excited and happy to talk with them, but me initiating that phone call-even though they have asked to speak with a teacher from their area-is difficult. It is a bit of a social phobia.
I should end with something positive, so I'll say that I catalogued all the major vocal scores in this house today, amongst them numerous copies of Handel's Messiah (various different publishers). Okay, so that isn't so crazy positive, but I like organizing. Plus, my living room floor is covered in various stacks of music, so doing three piles of scores was something.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
RCM Grade 10 Piano Requirements
Given that it has been almost five years since I did my grade 9 RCM piano exam, I've decided that I have got to set a deadline for the grade 10 exam, and the deadline I have set is August of 2013. As such, I've been starting to buckle down on technique. So, today, I made individual slips of note-cards with a single technique exercise that I need to do written down on each. The grand total? 288 slips. I got somewhat tired when I had finished counting!
12 major scales
12 harmonic minor scales
12 melodic minor scales
12 different places to start the chromatic scale
9 different formula pattern scales
9 different major or minor scales in octaves
9 different staccato scales
4 scales separated by a 3rd
4 scales separated by a 6th
4 scales separated by a 10th
12 chromatic scales in octaves
12 major solid four-note chords
12 major broken four-note chords
12 major alternate-note four-note chords
12 minor solid four-note chords
12 minor broken four-note chords
12 minor alternate note four-note chords
12 major arpeggios
12 minor arpeggios
12 arpeggios of the Dominant 7th
12 arpeggios of the Diminished 7th
12 solid Dominant 7ths
12 broken Dominant 7ths
12 alternate-note Dominant 7ths
12 solid Diminished 7ths
12 broken Diminished 7ths
12 alternate-note Diminished 7ths
12 major alternating scales in octaves
Actually, my math must have been off, I probably just miscounted my cards, that comes out to 303...Either way, that is a lot.
Tomorrow, I figure out the flute requirements!
12 major scales
12 harmonic minor scales
12 melodic minor scales
12 different places to start the chromatic scale
9 different formula pattern scales
9 different major or minor scales in octaves
9 different staccato scales
4 scales separated by a 3rd
4 scales separated by a 6th
4 scales separated by a 10th
12 chromatic scales in octaves
12 major solid four-note chords
12 major broken four-note chords
12 major alternate-note four-note chords
12 minor solid four-note chords
12 minor broken four-note chords
12 minor alternate note four-note chords
12 major arpeggios
12 minor arpeggios
12 arpeggios of the Dominant 7th
12 arpeggios of the Diminished 7th
12 solid Dominant 7ths
12 broken Dominant 7ths
12 alternate-note Dominant 7ths
12 solid Diminished 7ths
12 broken Diminished 7ths
12 alternate-note Diminished 7ths
12 major alternating scales in octaves
Actually, my math must have been off, I probably just miscounted my cards, that comes out to 303...Either way, that is a lot.
Tomorrow, I figure out the flute requirements!
Mother's Day
The past week or so leading up to mother's day has been hard for me. Several nights I have actually dreamed about my mom. Many of the dreams included her very sick, but one included her healthy...like she was during my first year of university, only I was the age I am now. I've spent a lot of the past week or two in that state of wanting to go to bed all day, looking forward to it, but then when I get to bed, afraid to close my eyes and sleep, even if I am exhausted because of the seroquel and whatever else is going on. It's a careful balancing act of which book I should read until I cannot keep my eyes open any further or whether I should watch an episode of Bewitched or I dream of Jeannie on Youtube (my dvd/cd player on my computer is messed up...again...) and hope that it tires me out enough. A very riveting book that I was reading this past week I unfortunately couldn't read right before bed, because it made me dream that I was a murderer...so, not exactly good news for needing pleasant sleep!
We had a display of pictures of "People who mothered us" at church today. I found a picture taken when I was just shy of two weeks old, of my mom and I. I am presuming that I was that age, because we are all dressed up, me in this tiny little red lacy dress and a pair of knitted booties and my mom in a navy suit, and I know that my parents only missed one sunday church service after I was born...and I was born on a tuesday. My guess is that they probably took pictures of that special day, my first time going to church. There are pictures of my dad and I on that day as well, but I'm asleep in them. For the one with my mom, I am awake. It is one of just a handful of pictures of just my mom and I, and despite the fact that I'm sure she didn't find it a flattering picture, given that it was summer and hot and she had given birth only two weeks previous (think swollen legs made worse with the angle of the camera, exhausted looking eyes, and a slight hint of a double chin due to water and baby weight gain), it is very special to me. What I see in the picture is love, and a great sense of joy and pride. And as the baby in the picture, all there is in my eyes is a sense of security...as there should be.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
That awkward moment...
That awkward moment when, in doing your own research about possibly starting on imipramine, a tricyclic antidepressant, you find that one of the common side effects is increased heart rate. Urgh. Given that I deal with an increased/elevated heart rate a lot of the time already (my normal resting heart rate, even when I was able to be running most days was generally over 90, normal for an active person would likely be below 65), this wasn't exactly something that I wanted to read about.
Did I mention that except for the Eating Disorder team at the health clinic I go to for that, it is very hard to get in contact with anyone of my medical professionals? My dentist figured that he would have an answer back from my internal medicine specialist within a week, it has now been two weeks and I have yet to hear from him. I'm going to phone tomorrow, because the last thing I want is further problems with my teeth to continue. And I need to know when I can get these stupid extra teeth out so that I can plan my summer! Amadeus has to be sent off for a tune-up at some point, preferably when my wisdom teeth come out (it will make the separation a lot more bearable and my recovery a lot easier).
But yeah, that is one of those 'awkward moments'. Sigh.
Did I mention that except for the Eating Disorder team at the health clinic I go to for that, it is very hard to get in contact with anyone of my medical professionals? My dentist figured that he would have an answer back from my internal medicine specialist within a week, it has now been two weeks and I have yet to hear from him. I'm going to phone tomorrow, because the last thing I want is further problems with my teeth to continue. And I need to know when I can get these stupid extra teeth out so that I can plan my summer! Amadeus has to be sent off for a tune-up at some point, preferably when my wisdom teeth come out (it will make the separation a lot more bearable and my recovery a lot easier).
But yeah, that is one of those 'awkward moments'. Sigh.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
FINALLY!
After several weeks of waiting, my marks for first semester were finally updated on thursday. Seriously, how long does it take for two marks to be input to let me know that I got an A+ in Research Methods and a B+ in Opera History? Obviously, I would have preferred an A in Opera History, but given how rough everything has been this year, I'm okay with a B+. Now, if they could only update my student status from On Probation back to Dean's Honour List!
This past week has been a relieving week with getting good marks. I found out that I got an 87.7 on my jury, giving me a B+ for my final grade in major practical study. By .2%, my jury grade was the best yet. I guess the answer to everything is that I really am no judge of my abilities right now, because I felt that I would get the lowest mark of my four juries. Similarly, I felt that I would not do very well on my final 20th century paper, and my professor emailed me my grade, and it was 90%-A. Then, my wind ensemble conductor emailed me my grade for wind ensemble, which was an A as well. I just need to wait for my marks for 20th century, Philosophy of Music and my second ensemble (the flute/guitar duet) to come through. I will like get an A or even an A+ in 20th century, hopefully an A but more likely a B+ in Philosophy of Music, and I would REALLY like a B+ in second ensemble, but because my director is quite a tough marker, it might only be a B (again...despite my efforts this year).
For the first time since September 8th, I have no papers to write, no exams or tests to study for, no readings to do...I only have to practice if I WANT to (which I do, don't get me wrong!)...
What this says is that my stress has obviously been considerably relieved. Yet I am still having breathing episodes, like yesterday during my friend Haley's recital.
This is not just a stress issue. The test for me was whether being done school would cure it, and it hasn't.
This past week has been a relieving week with getting good marks. I found out that I got an 87.7 on my jury, giving me a B+ for my final grade in major practical study. By .2%, my jury grade was the best yet. I guess the answer to everything is that I really am no judge of my abilities right now, because I felt that I would get the lowest mark of my four juries. Similarly, I felt that I would not do very well on my final 20th century paper, and my professor emailed me my grade, and it was 90%-A. Then, my wind ensemble conductor emailed me my grade for wind ensemble, which was an A as well. I just need to wait for my marks for 20th century, Philosophy of Music and my second ensemble (the flute/guitar duet) to come through. I will like get an A or even an A+ in 20th century, hopefully an A but more likely a B+ in Philosophy of Music, and I would REALLY like a B+ in second ensemble, but because my director is quite a tough marker, it might only be a B (again...despite my efforts this year).
For the first time since September 8th, I have no papers to write, no exams or tests to study for, no readings to do...I only have to practice if I WANT to (which I do, don't get me wrong!)...
What this says is that my stress has obviously been considerably relieved. Yet I am still having breathing episodes, like yesterday during my friend Haley's recital.
This is not just a stress issue. The test for me was whether being done school would cure it, and it hasn't.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
...I can't win...
I feel like I can't win. Earlier today, I was utterly exhausted and feeling a bit faint. So, I took my pulse-rate, which was about 78 bpm, a pretty normal rate for an adult, right? Except that I was exhausted and faint, despite getting almost 8 hours of sleep.
Now, my heart rate is faster and I have more energy, but it makes me feel shaky and I have some mild increases in difficulty breathing.
I can't win here.
On both a good and an AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH note, my final exam is tomorrow.
Now, my heart rate is faster and I have more energy, but it makes me feel shaky and I have some mild increases in difficulty breathing.
I can't win here.
On both a good and an AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH note, my final exam is tomorrow.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Ila Jean "Bean" Rathbone
The cancer world is not pleasant. The past couple of weeks in particular have had many children losing their earth battle against cancer, and several others relapsing or progressing...and this is just of the children that I follow! Tonight, I am deeply saddened at the death of a little girl named Ila Jean, who battled stage IV neuroblastoma for almost six years, joining another young neuroblastoma warrior, Tanner Evers, who passed away on friday. Having followed Ila's journey since around June of 2011, shortly after her relapse, little Ila Jean won her way into my heart, despite being thousands of miles away, and following only via the internet. Cancer does not discriminate in so many cases, but particularly in children. And neuroblastoma is often called a silent cancer, more than 60% of children are not diagnosed until they are at stage IV when there is very little hope for a long-term cure...
In the past month or less I have read about the deaths of
-Piper Needham, a spitfire two-year-old who died from a massive lung infection and infant leukemia
-Ty Barberine, who endured a successful bone marrow transplant only to become mysteriously ill from an unknown cause and live for several weeks on breathing support and dialysis before his body finally gave out
-Gage Driver, a little boy who died yesterday from DIPG, one of the worst brain tumours there is
-Tanner Evers, a long term neuroblastoma warrior
-and of course Miss Ila Jean
And so many children have progressed or relapsed or are facing very difficult points and need prayers and in some cases sheer miracles
-Ashley Reimer, who has relapsed with ALL a second time, discovered at her one-year post-bone marrow transplant check-up. She is a brilliant young woman only a little younger than I am, and had just gotten fully back into university and is now facing a daunting battle.
-Ethan Hallmark, a neuroblastoma warrior, who has relapsed with a hybrid neuroblastoma (VERY difficult to treat)
-Brooke Hester, who progressed through the humanized 3F8 antibody treatment and is now undergoing intensive chemotherapy
-Lindsay Simmons, a 12 year old ALL patient, who has relapsed, like Ashley, for a second time and is not doing well at all.
-Kodi Tutt, a seven-year-old neuroblastoma warrior who had a 'level three' reaction to the antibodies she was receiving and cannot have anymore-now facing a difficult decision as to remaining treatment
-Ariel Gariano, a 13-year-old relapsed rhabdomyosarcoma patient, who in addition to facing a lot of medical uncertainty had her family's house catch on fire this past week
-Liza Scherr, a DIPG patient who has progressed
-Joey Keller, a medullablastoma (brain tumour) patient, who has progressed after taking a needed break from chemotherapy
-Wesley Jaeger, a medullablastoma patient who is enduring chemotherapy after struggling for almost four years and is currently beginning to run out of options
And these are just of children that I follow. Sometimes, I wonder why I follow these children...but then I realize that by being aware, I can be a better advocate, and from time to time, I can even offer support through online messages when it feels right.
In the past month or less I have read about the deaths of
-Piper Needham, a spitfire two-year-old who died from a massive lung infection and infant leukemia
-Ty Barberine, who endured a successful bone marrow transplant only to become mysteriously ill from an unknown cause and live for several weeks on breathing support and dialysis before his body finally gave out
-Gage Driver, a little boy who died yesterday from DIPG, one of the worst brain tumours there is
-Tanner Evers, a long term neuroblastoma warrior
-and of course Miss Ila Jean
And so many children have progressed or relapsed or are facing very difficult points and need prayers and in some cases sheer miracles
-Ashley Reimer, who has relapsed with ALL a second time, discovered at her one-year post-bone marrow transplant check-up. She is a brilliant young woman only a little younger than I am, and had just gotten fully back into university and is now facing a daunting battle.
-Ethan Hallmark, a neuroblastoma warrior, who has relapsed with a hybrid neuroblastoma (VERY difficult to treat)
-Brooke Hester, who progressed through the humanized 3F8 antibody treatment and is now undergoing intensive chemotherapy
-Lindsay Simmons, a 12 year old ALL patient, who has relapsed, like Ashley, for a second time and is not doing well at all.
-Kodi Tutt, a seven-year-old neuroblastoma warrior who had a 'level three' reaction to the antibodies she was receiving and cannot have anymore-now facing a difficult decision as to remaining treatment
-Ariel Gariano, a 13-year-old relapsed rhabdomyosarcoma patient, who in addition to facing a lot of medical uncertainty had her family's house catch on fire this past week
-Liza Scherr, a DIPG patient who has progressed
-Joey Keller, a medullablastoma (brain tumour) patient, who has progressed after taking a needed break from chemotherapy
-Wesley Jaeger, a medullablastoma patient who is enduring chemotherapy after struggling for almost four years and is currently beginning to run out of options
And these are just of children that I follow. Sometimes, I wonder why I follow these children...but then I realize that by being aware, I can be a better advocate, and from time to time, I can even offer support through online messages when it feels right.
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