Today...

Today was an up/down sort of day. Okay, for most of the day, I have felt a lot more down than up. But, like most days, there were still some higher points. Start of day=getting up to study for philosophy of music exam, not being able to write things out as fast as I would like, so I end up skipping my 20th century music class to study. Even then, I was not so successful, and the exam felt like a bit of well, I don't swear, so I won't say how I...and many of my classmates...felt about how we did on the exam. I kind of fumbled up my answer for the Schopenhauer question, which doesn't thrill me. Masterclass was okay afterwards though, and my lesson was fine. I went over to one of the on-campus restaurants to get some food...the next time I do that, someone should remind me that the pad thai is waaaaay too spicy...a little bit as a tiny side dish would be great, but not as a meal, at least not from this restaurant. At least it didn't cause problems-the intense spice made me a bit concerned that my stomach might react poorly.

Practising was okay, and I fortunately had some company to help counteract the loneliness that I was feeling-perhaps due to the fact that this is the first monday back at school with no more orchestra for me, after several weeks of having fun (or not so much fun) playing Mahler 4 and Wagner. So, I was missing that musical outlet and missing being around my friends and fellow musicians. So it was very, very nice to hang out a bit/chill in between practising sessions with a fellow flautist and a saxophone player. I also got to see my big sister friend B and another flute player later on.

Was this a bad day for coughing? Yes, it was. No doubt on that one. Perhaps some of that was spurred by the exam stress, and then the phonecall from the genetics clinic...the same genetics counsellor who spoke with us in the summer in regards to the hemachromotosis gene. I didn't get in actual contact with her-I unfortunately had my cellphone off at the time on the bus. Genetics I do not expect to get into see anytime soon-probably several month's wait. It's ironic that I only recycled her card a couple of weeks ago, thinking that there was no reason I would need it. The next big thing coming up is the pulmonary function test. I hope it provides some answers as well.

In the meantime, I am supposed to see my family doctor to get the labwork repeated to make sure my electrolytes and protein levels are back in the normal range. If they aren't, it adds another question to the puzzle...called kidneys, and why they aren't maintaining the proper balance (it is very unusual for potassium to drop because of the kidneys, it is usually sodium, and mine was fine). I think I will get my doctor to run the blood sugar check as well, because I definitely do have thirst throughout the day, which is part of the reason I drink so much tea.

Today, I think that they thing that would have helped me the most would have been a big hug from a friend. I didn't get one, but I didn't make it known either.

The highest point of today? Finding out that I got 100% on my 20th century 2 midterm. I was pleasantly surprised...but, most of the class did quite well. There were 15 of us that got 100%. The downer right beside it was finding out that she was taking off marks for each absence from class. Ouch. Counting today, I have missed three classes. One was for my stress test-which I needed to have, and which I could not reschedule. The other was Feb 10th, which we already know about-I really had worked myself into a sick state, physically and mentally. Today, well, that was my poor planning/procrastination/perfectionism being dumb. Next week, I have a music festival class that conflicts...and then March 14th, I will have to miss the class again because of my pulmonary function test. Again, not something that I can reschedule, nor do I want to. Whatever is going on with my lungs has been going on long enough, I want some answers. So, baring anything else from happening, which in my world is not a guarantee, that is at least 5 classes that I will miss. 3 medical, one academic, one stupidity (yes, I will call it that). I am going to go talk to my professor about this on wednesday during office hours. Fortunately, she is approachable. And if I need to get a note from someone doing the pulmonary function test I guess I will...but that is such a lot of hassle, especially as I believe that respiratory therapists run the tests, NOT doctors.

So that was today. Tomorrow will be a day with lots of work-it has to be. Or else.

Overdosing on tea...and GREAT AMAZING NEWS!!!!!!!!

Yes, it is possible. In that my kidneys do not seem to hold onto electrolytes as well as they should. Meaning that drinking seven cups of tea yesterday and now on my fifth for today, I am starting to show clear signs of a mild imbalance. But at the same time, I am thirsty. This is how it was in the urgent care centre-I probably had about a litre of water, which my kidneys flushed out quickly, which meant that my labwork looked as if I was actually dehydrated, despite the fact that I had had more than two litres of fluid that day. Perhaps my blood sugar levels have been messed up, although given that I am at such a tiny dose of seroquel, it wouldn't be that likely anymore.

I'll clarify that 'cups' of tea means my huge one, which holds more than 400mls of tea. Closer to 500...and my travel mug holds 450mls. I'm not talking little dainty tea cups here!

I'll finish with the GREAT AMAZING INCREDIBLE NEWS!!!!!! My highschool classmate that was diagnosed with the brainstem tumour recently had his 6-week post-radiation followup MRI. The results were nothing short of incredible. Basically, there was NO evidence of the tumour. This is HIGHLY unusual. The radiation oncologists actually double checked that they had the right scan! In the words of the radiation oncologist, he cannot remember the last time he has seen a result like this. My friend will have 6 months of maintenance chemotherapy to ensure that there is absolutely NO cells from the tumour left alive, but this is the closest that you can come to being cured! I know that thousands of us were praying for him...and not just here in our city. I have to say that prayer is sometimes confusing for me, but in this case, God has definitely worked in incredible ways. My friend is clearly meant to do so much more here on earth!

Frustrations and Philosophy

Last night, I went to bed just after 11pm. I cannot remember the last time I went to bed before 1am, let alone around 11pm. This is a sad thing...I was utterly frustrated with my body. I developed a rock-like stomachache just after lunch, so around 1pm yesterday afternoon. It was frustrating, but I could work through it enough to complete my seminar. When I got home in the evening, however, I found it hard to sit in my desk chair, so I camped out on my left side on the floor-lying on my left side usually helps relieve things when my stomach hurts. It helped, but not enough, and I guess lying down confused my body enough so that it kept trying to fall asleep. Eventually I gave up, put on my pjs and went to bed. I have really got to stop lying down on my back and falling into a half-asleep state as it makes for messed up dreams and wasted time...but its that "oh, I'll just listen until I finish this song on my ipod..." routine.

Sleeping cured the original stomach issue, although there was a brief resurgence of stomach pain for about half an hour around 4:30 or so. I think it was the hot chocolate that I had...made with dairy. Dairy is a frustrating thing...somedays, I can have hot chocolate and be totally fine, other days, it causes my stomach to swell almost instantly and causes pain. It only seems to happen with milk, which I guess is a blessing. I don't usually drink that much milk anymore, especially now that I have started using unsweetened almond milk on my morning (or anytime of day...) cereal. I was certainly berating myself for not doing anything productive yesterday evening. And I'm talking NOTHING productive. All I did was lie down on my left side, and close my eyes.

From today until wednesday, I am going to be on philosophy overdrive! I have a Philosophy of Music midterm exam on monday, and then I have a presentation for Philosophy of Music on wednesday. I chose to present on Leonard Bernstein's series of lectures at Harvard University entitled "The Unanswered Question" (a play on the work by Charles Ives titled 'The Unanswered Question'...one of the works that we studied in 20th century Music last semester). Thankfully, Bernstein is much easier to understand than many of the other philosophers we have studied. I think I am overthinking things in the presentation, or at least in interpreting Bernstein...it seems to be quite clearly laid out in his main points and arguments, but I keep thinking there must be something more. That it is 'too good to be true'. Overthinking is definitely one of my struggles!

For part of the afternoon, my breathing was pretty bad, but it's much better now. It was frustrating that just making my bed seemed to be doing it. Note that this is NOT the typical breathing-hard that you might get if you were working out. Trust me, I know. This is very different...and very frustrating.

Well, I think I shall practice now, given that I did not practice yesterday (for which I did berate myself a bit...or rather, I berated myself for obviously eating wrong/too much/something and causing my stomach such grief). Trouble is, there is often not a clear-cut rhyme or reason to what my stomach will/will not accept on any given day. Pretty much the only foods that have stayed 100% completely acceptable are dry plain cheerios, oatmeal without milk and other basic dry, bland foods. It bothers me...a lot!

Level 2 training, sleep, remembering G...

Random thought for laughter...you know you are a woman from Canada when you get more excited that your fleece pajamas came in the mail than when a new pair of shoes comes in the mail (this was me on tuesday).

Wednesday-friday of this week is the Level 2 MYC (Music for Young Children) training seminar. It's always great to meet up with some of the other teachers, both to just chill (so to speak) and to gain insights. Unfortunately, the seminar did tire me out a bit, and I was not at my brightest during the Moonbeams One class this evening after I got home (Note to self, don't do that next year...). Or perhaps it was getting less than five hours of sleep because I was trying to complete a Brahms memory game that never was completed (I pulled out the D+ scale game instead).

Sleep...university students should get an exclusion from sleep...or at least a gene that allows you to feel like you got 10 hours when you really only got 2.

Since last monday, I have thought about G quite a bit. This evening, those memories and thoughts were triggered even more when my ipod on shuffle started playing a baroque trumpet concerto. G was an amazing trumpet player. Cancer deaths hit me HARD. I almost clicked to the next track, but I realized that it really wouldn't help anything. Perhaps things hit a bit harder because I was doing a fair amount of thinking about my mom today-it often happens like that when I am involved in MYC things, simply because she was the one who took me to FIVE years of MYC lessons, and my sister for FIVE years before that. And, we got talking a bit about stuff during the break. Two of the MYC teachers doing the training with me have young children, and although I obviously cannot talk about parenting from a parent's experience, I can talk about what worked for me...or not. Somehow, it got onto the topic of touches...this was with the mom who has a four-year-old son that she is teaching Sunshine One, and how it's sometimes hard for her NOT to be the cuddly mom during that class with him, to provide those small touches etc...even into the teenage years. I mentioned how it had sometimes annoyed me when I was a teenager, but my mom would hug me (even if I didn't really want one from her...), I would say "What's that for?" and the answer would usually come back "Just because I love you" (sometimes, it would be "you looked like you needed one").

Not many classes go by yet without wishing that I could tell my mom something about them, or show her something. Will this ever change? Perhaps not. Sometimes, it hurts a bit, other times, I merely have the deep respect and admiration for all that she did.

Sometimes, I wonder if I talk too much about my mom. Other times, I wonder if I don't think about her enough. I guess you will never truly get over something like this. Although I had obviously known people who had died before I was 14, the first death that really hit me was the death of a fellow schoolmate at age 13 from heart attack/cardiac arrest (he was born with a severe congenital heart defect/defects and had had several surgeries-was due for another one in a few months). But, to lose a classmate, who I knew from youth group...it was utterly shocking. I remember crying so much during the school memorial service the day that we were informed (a monday) that I practically fainted and couldn't see straight. Two songs became associated with S. that day, 'Blessed be your name' and 'Come to Jesus'. The hardest part for us as a school was that at chapel just a few days later, a group came in and, not knowing that 'Blessed be your name' was one of S's favourite songs and was played at the in-school memorial service, played it. We must have referred to 'Blessed be your name' as 'S's song' the rest of my education there. It is strange how 'Come to Jesus' became one of my huge comfort songs, and still is, given that that was the song during the service that practically had me hysterical. Even though I did not know S that well...do I still think about him? Yes, I do. Especially again recently with my own heart issues, granted, mine are obviously nothing like what he had.

Life goes on...as the father of Alexis Agin writes in his CaringBridge posts, today was one step further away, yet one step closer.

Statistics...

Statistics are somewhat grim, or reassuring.

I'll start with the reassuring statistic. Bicuspid Aortic Valve disease (abbreviated to BAV) is the most common congenital heart defect, occuring in 1-2% of the population. It is twice as common in men as women (okay, so I drew the short straw on this one!).

Okay, so now for the grim statistics.

More than 1/3 of BAV patients will experience a serious complication at some point.
It is most often diagnosed in the 30-50 age range, which puts me at 21 on the lower end of things.
80% will someday need surgery.
Not that many places do valve repairs at this time, which means valve replacement-usually with a mechanical valve that requires blood thinners for the rest of your life.

Okay, so there's the stats for tonight.

A piece to the puzzle

Today I received some pieces to the puzzle. In an appointment of close to an hour, I met with the cardiologist and an internal medicine resident. Let me just say that I am gaining more respect for residents all the time! The resident listened to me for at least 20-25 minutes, about my frustrations over everything that I have experienced since November, and also got a bit of family history. Meaning, the history of my mom's cancer...and, by proxy, my grandma's cancer.

Now, for the puzzle piece. The echocardiogram results DID show an abnormality, and a couple of things that were slightly off for a woman of my height and weight. The main thing is that my aortic valve is bicuspid instead of tricuspid. This means that instead of three little flaps, it only has two. It would not necessarily be a problem, and many people do have this congenital defect. BUT, mine has started showing some signs of leaking. Very minor regurgitation, it is in it's earliest stages, which is why the murmur is very faint.

This is not the only puzzle piece. It is unlikely that it would be causing all that has been happening. So, we continue on with the pulmonary function test. And, he has referred me to genetics. Or, I should say, BACK to genetics (remember the hemachromotosis test this summer?). The main reason on this is my height of 4'9 which is several inches shorter than any other family member in the past two or even three generations.

An interesting twist to this story is that the resident raised the possibility that this minor heart defect could actually have caused my short height, or at least contributed to it. Which, to be honest, is something that had come to my mind the other day. Strange how these things work!

It is possible that there is something minor adrenal going on that could have contributed to the exhaustion, but the most likely reason is simply that I was mentally and physically worn out. Again, strange how these things happen. I don't know if that is so much true, but it does sort of make sense, in a weird way. I did raise the point that, if something was going to happen, why on earth did it happen during my fourth year, when I really wasn't that stressed, and was very positive, even decreasing my medication quite significantly etc etc, and not during my second year when I was in a complete stress pool, had much more severe eating disorder symptoms, had a higher course load, my mom going through so much...THAT part doesn't make sense, but the body does have strange ways of reacting to stress. And sometimes, it is a delayed reaction.

Boy, do I feel like saying "I told you something WAS different with my heart!" to all those who didn't believe me when I was 13. Granted, it is minor. But I still knew (strange how we DO know these things about ourselves...listen to your body!).

I asked about the high protein level, and was told that that usually means dehydration. THAT answer surprised me a bit, given that I had I think two full water bottles in the urgent care centre. I did point that out, asking if over-hydrating could cause the same lab work results, and to a degree, the response seemed to be yes. They would like me to repeat the bloodwork with my family doctor to check that my electrolyte levels are okay at this point, if not, then that could mean other things.

So, I am still a puzzle waiting to be finished, but it's starting to come together. I haven't yet told my dad about the echocardiogram findings, even though I really do need to. After getting the results, I did share them with some of my friends...I needed that release! My wind ensemble conductor heard too, which I was totally fine with, given that my crazy episode happened during a rehearsal that he was conducting (although it was an orchestra rehearsal). Plus, he has known me for years at this point, and genuinely cares about us.

As it stands, it's keep doing what I can do. Really nothing else. I got asked by the resident (after describing the seal barking cough) if I was up to date on my immunizations...he wondered if I had possibly had whooping cough! I explained that the booster was just the DT, given that I actually HAD whooping cough as a 4 year old (despite the vaccinations). So much for that theory! The dr will not prescribe any inhalers or anything like that until we have the results of the pulmonary function test, which also makes sense. Not only that, I'm not exactly keen on them myself...but, with the word that the resident actually put out "debilitating"...you get to a point where you say "forget the reservations, I'll do anything that might help". Am I at that point? Maybe...

Rules for life a la me

1) Tea makes just about anything better
2) TELL people that you appreciate them, that they have done something awesome, that you love them.
3) Mind over mattress is much better than mattress over mind
4) The best days are the ones that start with practising my flute
5) Have reasonable expectations, but still manage to push yourself
6) Smile, laugh, appreciate humour-it is one of God's creations!
7) In everything, do more
8) Joy-Jesus first, others second, yourself last
9) Organization = productivity
10) Procrastination = STRESS!!!!!!!!!!!
11)The thing I hate to do the most, is the thing I need to do the most!
12) Remember, I am not alone.

Beautiful funeral

Today was a beautiful funeral for a beautiful person. Never before have I heard a recording of Mahler 4 being played before a funeral and I don't think that I will ever hear that again. Hearing about G. today made me wish that I had been a brass instrument player just to have experienced more of his wonderful humanity and humour. I'm glad I knew him at all though.

The bible verses shared were John 14; Psalm 16, 2 Corinthians 4. All so beautiful.

Nor, also, do I think that I will hear a live brass ensemble play part of Elgar's Enigma Variations-Nimrod-at a funeral again.

Not much else on my mind right now. G's pastor shared how G had said so many times that he was ready to go home. And so he is...home.

Friday-Wind Ensemble Concert

Well, friday started out pretty okay...and ended pretty okay. Okay, better than okay. Although, really, it is not over yet as I have things I am GOING TO DO before going to bed. As in finish that listening assignment. As in plan my Sunbeams One lesson. As in email my MYC Moonbeams One families to let them know about whether we can start the class at 7:00pm next week instead of 6pm. As in...probably a few other things.

This week, known as reading week is not going to be a kick-back-and-relax week. SOME students will be doing that, but I have way too much to do! And, I kind of volunteered to do a bit...

Tomorrow:
9:15-Sunrise class
10:15-Sunshine One class
11:15 or thereabouts...get driven to G's funeral.
Sometime in the afternoon-bus home...study for philosophy or do SOMETHING on the way.
Again, sometime in the afternoon-PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE!!!!! Phone my Sunbeams One families to confirm everything.
8:00 symphony concert...actually listening to one instead of playing one!
10:30ish...arrive home, work on something, like writing those papers for first semester.

Sunday:
Church, then going to a family friends' place in a small city about 1.5 hours from our city. Needless to say, I don't think that I will manage to get much work done on sunday.

Monday:
6:20, get up
7:00, bus to University
8:30-12:45-help out with auditions (friendly face, guide, etc etc)
4:30-teach Sunbeams One class (moved from saturday)
Evening...work on that humongous pile of work.

Tuesday
10:15-cardiologist appointment...find out echocardiogram results.
Sometime in the afternoon-meet with my Philosophy professor, also rehearse with my guitarist. Also work on that mountain of work, and practice, practice, practice.
6-7-rehearsal with my accompanist in prep for Music Festival.

Wednesday
Level 2 training seminar during the daytime
Mountains of work during the evening

Thursday...repeat procedure, plus teaching.

Friday...level 2 training seminar finishes.

Saturday...teach my 3 classes...mountains of work.

Sunday...mountains of work.

Somewhere in there, I hope to get a flute lesson in as well.

Overall, my week includes the following tasks:

Preparation for midterm philosophy exam, which is the first day back (Feb 27th). This involves going through 7 long articles and understanding several different philosophers in preparation for comparing them.

Creating a presentation on Leonard Bernstein for Philosophy of Music, in response to one of his lectures at Harvard University titled "The Unanswered Question"

Practising like crazy for Music Festival which is coming up exceedingly fast.

Finishing-finally-that paper for Research Methods

Getting started on that paper for Opera History...hopefully getting a good percentage of that done as well.

Level 2 MYC training seminar (a highlight!)

In terms of tuesday...I both want to, and do not want to know, the results of my echocardiogram. One concern of mine is that it is 'nothing', which leaves me with "if not heart valves, then what?" Of course, asthma is still on the table-I do that test on March 14th. Some days I really say "Oh, it can't be anything, it's just me thinking I have things wrong." But I think back to how my heart went so suddenly into crazy tachycardia-not gradually, but VERY quickly into that tachycardia, and how intense that exhaustion was. How the coughing was, although coughing can also be a stress reaction. Of course, stress can make everything worse.

Today, despite having a midterm that kind of wiped me out, even though it really wasn't that bad, was a good day. I had a really hard time getting up to go to Philosophy after my break in between 20th century and Philosophy (about an hour). Once in Philosophy, it got a bit better. And after Philosophy was over, my friend K. B and I went out to lunch/dinner/something at one of the nicer dining establishments on campus (meaning not Pizza Pizza, Subway, or Tim Horton's! This dining establishment actually has a number of good vegetarian options, so I got a Mediterranean wrap and a cup of honey lemon tea, which was quite nice. And it was nice to sit down OUTSIDE of the faculty with a friend/colleague and get to know her a bit better. Because, although we have known each other for a number of years, we really don't know each other that well yet. It's sometimes what happens when you are a flute player, and they are a viola player. Although we share some very different views-she is atheist, I am most definitely not!-it doesn't mean that we cannot be friends and have some good conversations.

Best part was the concert in the evening...4 wonderful works were played by the Wind Ensemble

Overture to Candide by Leonard Bernstein
On the Town: Three Dance Episodes by Leonard Bernstein
Selections from Wozzeck by Alban Berg, arranged by our conductor-we even had a soprano and tenor to sing! (Wozzeck is an opera from 1921...)
Bootlegger's Tarantella by John Estacio

One of our flute instructors is so sweet, she emailed us telling us how great we sounded tonight-it was very touching :) Did I mention I love our flute faculty?

All right, to work again. Despite the fact that my eyes are closing behind the computer screen, I MUST get some work done,and then set up my studio for tomorrow. I know that tomorrow will have some of it's challenges, but also joy points. Such is life.

More heart hurts...

I mentioned in a previous post that one of my friends was facing a health crisis...that she found two lumps in her breast, and was getting them checked out. At that point there was a 30% chance of cancer. Things are starting to look like it is falling into that 30% chance, not the 70% chance. One of them is pressing against the chest cavity and will have to be removed, even if it is benign as it could easily become problematic. The other will have to be biopsied to check for cancer.

My heart is aching right now for her. She is hundreds of kilometres away from her main church, her family, and the friends that she has known for the past 19 years. She has only been away at bible college since September. I wish that she was here...

I was attempting to prepare for my midterm in 20th century that is tomorrow when I read this online (and no, that was not delaying studying-I was doing a study group online with some of my 20th century classmates/friends). Now, I'm back to aching again.

Physically, today was a very frustrating day. It was a mattress-over-mind morning. Which, I suppose I needed after the performance of Mahler 4 last night! Mahler, as any musician will tell you is a marathon! Meant less time to work on things, however. I then developed a bit of a headache before Wind Ensemble which took a while to resolve. One thing that I have been noticing the past two or three days is an increased feeling of 'where on earth is my head'. Sort of light-head-y spinniness. Especially after coughing-even briefly. Or standing up. Coughing has actually been not so bad, although it sounds way different. What really bothers me is that I sort of feel like I'm going backwards again in terms of regaining strength and energy. Walking to Wind Ensemble across campus and then walking to the bank from the bus were both a lot more difficult than last week. My left leg has even been in a bit of pain, again, not bad, but irritating-I think it's muscular pain, basically just comes about when I am walking or something like that. One clue that I really have lost strength is that my Moonbeams students-7 and 8 year olds-found it easier to pick up the Pennies for Practice jar tonight than I did. I might add that it is one, not even full, and two, not even that big.

Next week is reading week. Next week is also a big week-doctor's appointment, and my level 2 MYC training seminar. I also need to prep for a midterm, prepare a presentation on Bernstein for my philosophy class, and actually get an essay done for Research Methods. I have GOT to get that done...

Since hearing about my friend SK, I have to admit that my breathing has been a lot harder. Stress makes everything worse...

My heart hurts...

Emotionally, not physically. Today was definitely another monday...began with an hour's worth of mattress over mind syndrome. NOT how I wanted to start the day. I couldn't manage to keep my eyes properly open to read the Adorno reading on the bus, nor to listen to some more flute music for my listening assignment. Pretty much the only things that went right this morning were pancake monday (with chocolate chips!), and a bit of explanation on the 20th century midterm during class (the rest of the class was still a bit random and hard to follow).

Did my practising after pancakes go that amazingly? Not really...for starters, there was no piano bench or chair in my practice room, so I couldn't practice for as long as I wanted to...

I couldn't get the listening assignment finished before masterclass, I didn't finish the Adorno reading (although that was less of an issue as it was a presentation). And then to top it off, my cough has been changing a bit today...it's starting to sound and feel a bit like it did on about day two of bronchitis starting up.

Orchestra was basically fine...for some reason I missed a couple of entrances that I usually don't. The big hurt for today came when I sat down to check my email and facebook while eating some chickpeas after orchestra. I found out that a very wonderful man died today from pancreatic cancer...he was the husband of my main accompanist. My heart hurts, especially when another friend told me that he had had to be put into a medically induced coma because of the pain...they went through the same thing that we did with my mom in that they lived for sometime with the 'anytime now'...I'm not sure how long they went through it, but we had it for 2.5 weeks, 2.5 weeks I will never forget, no matter how old I get, or how hard I try.

My heart hurts right now. If I've said it once, I have said it about 10, 092 times, but I HATE CANCER. G. had a wife, two (or three...) sons, and several grandchildren. He should have been just starting to enjoy retirement (he was in his late fifties or early sixties). Instead, he went through one of the most devastating and painful cancers there is.

Sure sign of exhaustion

Last night, although very tired when I went to bed, I was not as 'dead-tired fall asleep instantly' as I typically am when I let myself close my eyes, so I merely snuggled under my blankets on my back for a while, enjoying the comfort. This led to a half-hour period of half asleep/half awake dreams, somewhat disturbing because I kept dreaming/thinking that I couldn't move, or couldn't scream, or walk or whatever. After about that half hour, I realized that I was going to have to turn over and get into my standard sleeping position, because my body was not going to let me fall asleep any other way! Yeesh. Hate those crazy 'awake' dreams.

This is going to be one insane week. Thank goodness next week is reading week, but it's also the level 2 MYC training seminar, plus an appointment with the cardiologist, so I'm not going to be catching too much of a break.

My schedule for this coming week looks a little like this...

Monday-two masterclass assignments due, masterclass performance, extra-long orchestra rehearsal.
Wednesday-orchestra concert (Mahler 4 and Wagner Overture to Die Meistersinger). Journals due for 20th century.
Friday-20th century midterm, wind ensemble concert, and I'm sincerely hoping I can get the Research Methods paper done for then.

So, in total, I have three papers, a midterm, three performances, probably around 300 pages to read and review for friday, plus about 50 pages for Philosophy of Music (not the easiest read) along with the usual practising, lesson planning for four classes, and rehearsals. I am exhausted just thinking about my week...I will not be home before almost 10:30 on any day this week except for thursday-and that is only because I have to teach.

My monday looks like this:

7:03-leave for bus.
7:10-studying for 20th century-listening to some crazy, painful, hard to identify excerpts
8:15-arrival at music building. Free pancake breakfast (happens once a month).
8:30-practising
10:30-some sort of studying/paper writing/reading of readings
11:30-20th century
12:30-lunch (probably a struggle...) while again attempting to delve into the massive pile of work. Phoning MYC headquarters. Phoning my dentist to book an appointment
1:30-Philosophy of Music, discussing Adorno.
2:30-Masterclass-two assignments due, also performance of the first two pages of the Gaubert 'Nocturne et allegro scherzando'
3:30-Figuring out how I'm going to swing two festival classes that overlap with Wind Ensemble
4 something-orchestra rehearsal
7:00-attempting to eat dinner
7:30-studying/paper writing/something
9:15-bus home-studying 20th century excerpts (ugh)
10:30-(crash...) arrive back home, promise myself that I will go to bed earlier, but get caught up in doing various things so that at most it's a total of 10 minutes earlier (ie, light likely not out before 1am)

Tuesday
7:03, leave house for bus.
7:10-hopefully stay awake enough to study those excerpts!
8:30-practising
10:30-Attempts to get work done
11:30-coaching for small ensemble
12:30-rush across campus to Wind Ensemble rehearsal, hopefully minus too much coughing.
1:00-Wind Ensemble rehearsal
3:45-work in the main library so as to avoid the many distractions in the Music buildings.
9:15-catch bus home (sometime in there, I will attempt to eat)
10:30...repeat of monday.

Wednesday
7:03, bus etc etc
2:30-attempt to get work done
5:22-realize that choir starts in 8 minutes, run across campus
6:30-leave choir early so as to get ready for orchestra concert
7:30-Orchestra Concert!!!!!!
(sometime after 10...) arrive home, exhausted yet on a music high...

Thursday
8:30-10:30, practice
10:30-rehearse with my guitar player
11:30-Wind Ensemble flute sectional
12:30-rush over to Wind Ensemble
1:00-Wind Ensemble
3:30-rush to catch bus
4:45-stand in lines at Safeway, Bank, and CAA...
5:30-have barely enough time to eat something before teaching, tea will still be too hot...
6:00-teach Moonbeams One class
7:15-reheat tea...procrastinate getting to work until at least 8:30
(sometime after midnight...) realize that I have a midterm and a concert tomorrow...

Monday
8:30-9:30-practice
9:30-11:00-study
11:00-minor panic session while making tea
11:30-midterm for 20th century
12:30-commiserate with rest of 20th century class...
1:30-Philosophy of Music
2:30-crash in lounge
4:30-realize that I have to catch a bus in 15 minutes...
4:45-bus to my old high school for concert
6:15-dress rehearsal
7:30-concert
(sometime after 10pm) arrive home, again exhausted, but on a music high. Race around crazily in studio trying to get things ready for three classes on saturday.


This is sadly a pretty typical schedule for a music student. As someone once posted on facebook, "When I was 14, I had no idea that getting 4-5 hours of sleep a night would be normal"

You said it, you said it.

Did I mention that I stress excessively over things that are minor?

In this case, 20th century assignments. I stayed up until after 4am on friday morning working on the concert report, and couldn't quite finish it, so I had to get up and attempt to get more work done before I left at 8:45 to go to the MYC teacher's brunch. Yes, I technically could have missed that, but mentally/emotionally, I NEEDED to go and meet with some of my fellow teachers. I didn't even finish it before I had to jet out, which was perhaps related to the 'getting less than 4 hours of sleep' part. I was pretty okay for a while, and the brunch was fine, although the first part I started to eat didn't feel amazing, but it got better.

One of my issues/character traits (however you want to look at it) is shyness in speaking up for myself and my own needs. Usually, the bills are brought to the table at the Canad Inns and I have taken to asking for them to be brought right away, just because the brunch is at 10am, and I have a class at 11:30 (fortunately, we meet at a Canad Inns VERY close to the University-just about 5-10 minutes on the bus). On friday, they didn't bring them, and I was in a state of mind where I couldn't ask (nerves about still having a bit of the concert report yet to do got to me). So, I ended up holding off for quite some time...otherwise known as after 12. Which meant that I was not going to 20th century class. This led to both a bit of relief in that I could get the last two short paragraphs down without guilt about not handing it in at the start of class (technically how our professor wants it), but then intense anxiety that it wouldn't be accepted, and I would lose 13.3% of my grade because I would be handing it in at about 1pm. I was feeling tired, a bit light-headed, EXTREMELY stressed to the point of wanting to cry, decently nauseous...one of my friends said I looked incredibly pale as well. So, it wasn't too much of a stretch to say that I was physically sick there. The stress was in turn worsened by the fact that I heard from my fellow classmates that they received their first assignment back, and because I had made a stupid mistake on my matrix (I labelled the rows 1-12 instead of 0-11), I was concerned that I was going to have done very badly. But, I managed to get the last little bit done and printed up and figured that I might as well head over to my professor's office to see if by chance she was there (even though it was not her regular office hours). Her office is in one of the additional music buildings, so I had to bundle up. I actually ran into her coming towards the main music building, so I got the assignment handed in, basically just said that I was unable to come to class (probably aided by looking so pale and not sounding great), no issues with that, and got back my first assignment.

So, here is the rule...I need to stop stressing so much about 20th century! One, my assignment was accepted with no issues, and two, the assignment I was so concerned about got a 90%. Oh, and three? I read in the course outline today that both the concert report and the composition assignment were only worth 5%. So, I worked myself into an absolute insane amount of stress over both for something worth only 5% of my grade. Talk about a waste of energy, and an oversurge of unnecessary cortisol and adrenalin.

I can laugh slightly at myself today over this, but I'm also seeing a very dangerous resurgence of perfectionist tendencies. I'm going to have to watch myself more closely...getting probably less than 8 hours of sleep over two nights, especially if something is going on (and knowing what lack of sleep may have contributed to in December) is NOT SMART. But, really, nobody said that book smarts = wisdom.

Hating myself a bit (okay a lot) right now

Because all I have down for my concert report due tomorrow is some handwritten things. Because I have been running myself down into the ground again. Because I can't seem to concentrate to get this concert report done, even though it is really not that challenging of an assignment. Ex, right now in my brain it has been transformed from a 2-3 page double spaced paper worth oh, 13.3% of my grade to a 20-page final term paper worth 40% of my grade. It's stupid, I'm hurting myself by staying up later, and later, and later NOT getting work done...

To say that this has been a challenging week would be correct. To say that I am glad it is almost over would also be correct.

To say that I still find things to smile about and laugh about would be correct as well. I am looking forward to the 'morning', so long as I finish this concert report. It's the MYC teacher's brunch, which is always a highlight of my month, and I look forward to playing my flute again, and seeing my friends and colleagues. I really look forward to hopefully getting a hug or two tomorrow. I could use them...

I might give my ICM A. a call tomorrow. This week has been a bit more than I can handle alone, so to speak. I can't be superwoman, because she doesn't exist. My friends are great and all, but some of what's been going on in my mind is a bit more than I really feel I should put on most of them. And so many of them are in a big stress heap themselves right now, it's called MIDTERMS (and other stuff).

I lost another student today...it seems like my families have not been having the best of times recently, lots of family illness and deaths. I hope that this trend does not continue! Losing students is HARD. Not just in that my monthly income drops significantly with each student that leaves, but in that I form a deep attachment with each one. I care for them all a lot, even though I only see them once a week. I knew this about myself going in, having worked with the kids at the daycares for two summers, and how hard it was to leave and what-not. But, at least with the students that have left, there is always the possibility of resuming lessons at another point. Both of the girls who have withdrawn were enjoying lessons quite a lot until very recently, and both sets of parents made it known that they are hopeful about restarting lessons at some points. In terms of my income, well, that's pretty much dropped by 20%. Budgeting differently, here we come. Not really much to save each month, when I take off the bus pass, phone bill, and World Vision child sponsorship (which I am NOT going to stop). However, there are many families in much more challenging situations than I am in.

I put up three new sparkly-marker cards on my wall tonight

1) Repeat as needed! ...I can do this... I can do this...I CAN do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2) The more you put into something, the more you get out of it! Put lots into everything you do.

...and finally...a thought that has been keeping me going (to a degree)...

3) If I got through 2nd year, I can get through anything. I am stronger than I think.

(The last part is...or so my friend B. tells me).

I don't feel very strong right now. I feel weak, lazy, sick, lonely, sad, worried, nervous, stressed, TIRED, frustrated, angry (at myself).

At least 'chicken with head cut off syndrome' is making less of an appearance since I really started to focus on that One Thing At A Time, even if it is as simple as focusing on walking across the building, or filling my water bottle, or making tea.

And now, having gotten some of this off my chest, I think I can perhaps focus on getting some words down for the concert report. I know that I am putting WAY too much stress and pressure on myself, and that the perfectionist in me is going INSANELY CRAZY right now. I must work to tame that perfectionist back into a good state of productivity. It's all about balance...

Wednesday-practising, class, class, rehearsal, rehearsal...

Wednesdays are generally pretty busy days, although not as busy as mondays can be. Or perhaps about the same, but things are just spread a little bit differently. The day started out kind of rough, and in some ways, ended rough, but at least on a more positive note. Rough in that my legs practically wouldn't hold me up when I went to turn off my alarm this morning. I guess I was just that tired. But, I caught the bus I wanted to...even though I did not do my Philosophy of Music reading on the bus (eyes closed over mind syndrome). And I had a mini almost-nap in the lounge before practising. Wednesdays seem to be nap days at the FoM...

Practising, well, not as successful as I would have liked. Just didn't work well this morning. But, even professional musicians have days like that. I am sure tomorrow will be better!

20th century, my first class of the day...well, it could have been better, it could have been worse. Our professor is a very nice woman, but at teaching, well, she's a bit lacking. What has moved her up a bit in my books though is that she had us do a course evaluation today-her own, not the standard CQ's. So, I put down just how I felt, and so did everyone else! Maybe some things will change a bit...I hope so, we have a midterm coming up next friday for which we are feeling AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH or AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH about. Some people probably have different words coming to mind, but those are the ones I am choosing to put down!

Philosophy of Music went okay, no crazy coughing spell before class (as in I did not run up the stairs with my cup of tea). I had a bit of a stress melt-down afterwards though, meaning that my friend C kind of lectured me a bit about what I should be eating/drinking to help with my stomach issues, and something that I could take to maybe help out my lungs. I just might look into some of them...

I tried to work on things, which didn't work so well, although I eventually got started on my concert report, and was actually getting into it. Then, I realized that it was 5pm, and I had to eat dinner before choir. After everything that's been going on, THAT is what had me practically in tears. I didn't feel like it physically, mentally or emotionally. But I knew that I had to before choir, especially as after choir is orchestra, and I need all my wits about me for orchestra!

Choir was good, a bit of coughing on my part, but no almost-December 7th episodes like last week. Orchestra was generally okay too, our conductor R was in a better mood today. My friend N was unfortunately sick somehow...not quite sure on the story there. My friend L said that her stomach was upset, but my friend K said that she had a bit of a breakdown. Either way, I am concerned for her and hope that she is doing much better for tomorrow! This is a very stressful time of the year, it is midterm season, and concert season, you get the picture. There are lots of bugs going around the FoM again.

Orchestra...I wasn't the only one coughing, but I was definitely the loudest and most frequent. What got me is that I was actually coughing a bit near the END of rehearsal. Usually it's at the start for a little while, and then after break for a little while (most likely due to the activity previous to those times). This was actually pretty much constant throughout. Granted, those two times were still the worst, but it didn't totally stop at all. And I was actually coughing a bit on the bus ride home, which I basically don't do either. Until tonight. After orchestra, I reassured some people that for the concert, I am going to take a strong dose of a cough suppressant about an hour before the performance. Mahler 4 was NOT written to include a barking, gasping seal as a percussion instrument. Not sure if the cough suppressant will help, but it's worth a try for the sake of the music. I am somewhat amazed that our orchestra conductor R has not mentioned anything about the cough, given that I cough every single rehearsal, but then again, I'm not sure he even knows my name. I am not even joking on that last point. Or the point before, but we already knew that one.

The good news is that I left orchestra in a pretty positive mood, although a bit worried for my friend N, especially when K mentioned the word 'breakdown'.

Tomorrow is another day, filled with lots more flute-ing. So time for bed!

Rough monday

Today was not, I will admit, the easiest day. I had a meeting with the dietician this morning, and kind of got blasted for not eating enough, and for not eating enough protein and fat. I'm trying, I really am...I just feel so lost in it all. So it was a bit more frustrating than helpful. We did agree that it might be a good idea given that I often forget to eat, to perhaps get some of my friends on board to help remind me of eating.

From there, the day had several more rough spots...I was tired, frustrated, you get the picture. At least 20th century was a 'rest' class...meaning there was a guest pianist in and doing a recital. So I could sit in a comfortable (mostly) seat and close my eyes! Not sleep, but get some needed rest. I was able to practice before Philosophy of Music, but not that much. And then I was stupid, and ran up the stairs with my tea and started coughing. My mind wandered a bit during the class, and I think I missed a couple of points. Not even really sure why my mind wandered during the class, especially as it was BEFORE I contributed to the discussion and mentioned that one of my best performances was last year during Music Festival, when I was performing Schubert's Arpeggione Sonata and really felt like I was playing for my mom (this related to Nietzsche with Dionysian and Apollonian views). After that, I could easily have imagined myself wandering off, but before didn't really make sense.

My lesson was generally okay after Philosophy but I still felt unsatisfied with myself. Perhaps it was just the day. What really set the day going in an off direction was the Facebook post and then text message that I received from one of my friends...I saw a post about having an ultrasound and then a biopsy in the next few days and of course, my brain thought that it was just related to the stomach virus that she had just a few days ago, that perhaps it was something a bit more. But, when I texted her later, I learned that she was having the biopsy to check for cancer. Breast cancer. She has two lumps in her breast. THAT hit me hard. But, I am glad that I shared this with some of my friends before orchestra. My heart was 3 provinces away though, as she is studying out at a bible college quite some distance away. I wish that she was here, or I could be there for her.

Orchestra, well, let's just say this was not one of our conductor's more amusing or satisfied days. We all left feeling a bit dumb, insulted, exhausted, disappointed, you get the picture. Never a good thing when a university instructor or conductor says that he's feeling like he's working with a middle school group. So that didn't help my day...or any of our days. To top it all off, the rehearsal space was FREEZING, as it sometimes is. I am very, very, very grateful to one of my friends who lent me her sweater to put over top my thin turtleneck...it allowed me to play the last half-hour or so without shivering so crazily from time to time that I looked like I was having seizure.

I didn't get too much work done this evening at the Faculty afterwards, and was not able to print the reading for Philosophy class, because the link seemed to be broken or something like that. Sigh. At least I had some much-needed companionship for awhile walking back with one of the violists, and then talking until we went off to attempt to practice or work on homework/studying. And she was wonderful and put a new water jug on the water cooler/heater so that I was able to make tea! I could barely lift the water jug up that high when I was fully healthy in the early fall (remember...tiny person!), there was NO way that I was going to attempt to lift it in my current state. I tried to work, but I was exhausted, and only got a couple of pages read in my 20th century textbook, let alone any work done on my paper for Research Methods. I did get the notecards sorted this morning before 20th century, so that is at least a start.

My bus ride home was definitely a monday experience. Getting on at the second stop (which is thankfully very close to the Faculty of Music) meant that it was a bit fuller...I was still trying to read the 20th century textbook, so I tried to balance things so I could do so, which meant that I was balancing too much for being in an aisle seat, and pretty soon had just about everything fall when we turned a corner. Including my ipod, but it is fortunately okay, and my notebook did not get dirty. Sigh. A total monday thing though! My second bus took a bit longer to get me home than usual, and I can home to find a letter from the hospital that the cardiologist I was referred to is attached to. I am supposed to have a follow-up appointment on Feb 23, but I will have to reschedule that for another date, because that is the level 2 MYC training seminar during those days. Nothing else was included in the letter, so I still have NO clue what the echocardiogram said...and have to wait probably three weeks to find out. So that was kind of the ending stressor to the day. Something could be wrong, something might not be-it could be a 2-second appointment to say that everything looks okay. Of course, if everything is okay, that certainly leaves a bunch of unanswered questions.

May my tuesday treat me more gently than monday did.

A relatively 'normal' day

Given that life is never really 'normal', no day can ever truly be normal! But, it wasn't crazily out of routine. I could have done without spending two hours out shopping and the resulting chaos. Really, it should have taken about half of that time, but for some reason, it was almost as crazy as a couple of days before Christmas. Is there some holiday that comes up in a couple of days that I missed? I stopped in at Dollarama to get a few things for my Sunbeams One technique toolboxes (squeeze balls and clothespins), and it was ridiculous! It was a beautiful day outside for February-especially up here. Meaning it was above freezing outside. Highly unusual, actually. My shopping in chaos was topped off by getting splashed by a speeding vehicle as I was waiting to cross the lane back to my house. Speeding up to a red light...sigh.

It took longer to finish my Nietzsche reading for Philosophy of Music than I had figured, but it's done. I still need to do some cooking for the week, and practising, and hanging laundry, and working on the paper for Research Methods...but this is a normal feeling on a sunday evening.

The non-normal part of today was basically getting insulted by one of the professors at the university. I sent an email asking about the Chamber Ensemble recital dates for the end of March, mentioning that I hoped the one date was a possibility because both my guitarist and I worked on thursdays and saturdays. She emailed back and gave a bit of an earful about how I should view this like an exam, etc, etc. Well, I AM VIEWING IT LIKE AN EXAM, THIS IS WHY I AM DOING THE RESEARCH TO FIND THE BEST POSSIBLE TIME FOR ALL OF US (coach included) ALMOST TWO MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!! It really makes me mad when someone thinks that I am not taking things seriously. As those who actually know me will say, I take things too seriously, which is probably why being told I wasn't taking this seriously enough irked me to no end.

Well, time to get on with the week...things like hanging laundry must be done, and I basically have no food in the freezer, so I have to cook something.

Gustav Mahler - Symphony No. 4 - 1 (2/2) - Leonard Bernstein

Gustav Mahler - Symphony No. 4 - 1 (1/2) - Leonard Bernstein

Sore but grateful and happy

Tonight, I am sore, but grateful and happy. Yes, I ended up coughing more today, especially before orchestra, which certainly didn't help...the muscle pain for awhile extended through to my back as well on the right side, but now it is less. I can still play my flute though, to me, that is really what matters.

My facebook post read "Sore, but today was good :) Did I mention that I LOVE Mahler? And singing? And learning? And green tea? And being with my fellow musicians? And playing my flute? And a million other things? (and no, I have not had any green tea since about 3pm...this is just me :)" 

If I were to look at things in a purely health-wise way, today was not amongst the top days lately. Some of the stomach issues that had seemed to be under control came back somewhat today. Particularly frustrating was eating the chickpea and red lentil stew that I made on sunday and that has done well for dinner sunday, monday and tuesday and then having it react kind of badly and start up a mild stomachache/gas cramps. I ended up buying a cookie simply to have some sort of starch to absorb some of the spice and/or acid, and it helped. The reason I couldn't buy anything else is one, I was short on time, and two, the convenience store on campus (which was pretty much the only place open at that point that I could get to in time to get to choir) did not have any of my 'safe' granola bars or something else like that in stock. 'Safe'...a term that I used to use a lot more for food, and unfortunately am falling back on. However, safe in regards to granola bars was something I started using when I was only 11 years old, the first time I can remember reacting badly to food physically. That particular day I had a granola bar for breakfast, and ended up with a killer stomachache, which I fortunately treated by going back home from my bus stop and curling up with a heating pad for more than an hour on my left side until it passed (I had learned the hard way earlier in the year that that kind of killer stomachache could end very unpleasantly). Since then, I have been uncomfortable trying granola bars, especially on an already touchy stomach. 

My breathing also had some messed up issues today, even before coughing...the breathing I had noticed a little bit before in the day, but really noticed in choir, and I was getting some of my warning signs-my hands were tingling a bit, I couldn't take a proper deep breath, my stomach was a bit unsettled. I did my relaxation techniques so as not to focus on things too much, because even if it's not stress-related, stress does make it worse. It worked well enough that I lasted until I needed to leave for orchestra, which I should not have rushed to...but did...can you say hello coughing? Yep...a wonderful set of coughing episodes at the start of orchestra, and even a few random mild coughing things at a few other times throughout. Before orchestra started, I did put my head between my knees for a time after coughing, and that was all well and good...except that I straightened up onto my music stand. Not exactly the most fun thing to do...but as I once posted, most of my injuries come from music stands! 

Today was a more tired day, but I think it was that way with everyone around the faculty! I had an almost-nap this morning from about 8:20-8:50 on one of the lounge couches while listening to some music...and it was very comfortable. I then went and practised...I came back to the lounge at 10 something, and found three people asleep/almost sleeping! It made me feel not quite so bad...actually, I didn't really feel that bad about resting, except that I missed some of my practice room time. And I was much more awake and focused in philosophy of music today...monday some of my notes are a bit illegible. Which doesn't thrill me. 

Perhaps the best news for today is that my research for my Research Methods paper is most likely finished! I am hoping to get the whole paper finished by sunday, but that might be pushing it a bit...I don't know. Have to wait and see. Tomorrow evening after I finished teaching my Moonbeams One class, I sit down and start organizing all those notes I took, and making them into an outline or rough draft, whichever seems to work best then. 

I am happy and grateful. All in all, despite some 'yuckyness' stuff, today went pretty well! And orchestra in particular, once I was breathing okay and not coughing, was quite good. Did I mention that I love Mahler? We are playing Mahler 4, and it's absolutely amazing...we ended the rehearsal by running through the first movement completely, which I will post a link of, because it is well worth watching.