Sleep is right now being somewhat of an issue. I know that I desperately need sleep, and will face a difficult time getting up tomorrow at even a quite-late time if I don't fall asleep soon, but my brain is getting the best of me. I could take a slightly higher dose of seroquel (it's allowed), but I'm concerned it would then be even harder to wake up tomorrow morning. It's that rock-and-a-hard place decision.
When you have a family member die of cancer that was not caught until it was extremely advanced when they were not at an advanced age, and when THEIR mother also died of cancer that was not found until it was extremely advanced, you tend to have a heightened awareness or panic for things. That's what's been happening to me a bit this evening. Now, don't get me wrong, the logical me says that even with my history and the stomach issue symptoms it would be incredibly uncommon to have any cancer going on now. But, like I said, the paranoid part of the brain takes over, along with other emotions. Obviously, I will mention more indepth the symptomology the next time I speak with my doctor-who was my mom's doctor as well, and is also my sister's doctor-but I would place my bets that given that it started at pretty much exactly the same time as the breathing episodes (one day earlier), that it's all connected. Still, there is that voice in the back of the head that screams out. I hadn't even drawn the connection at all until tonight, and then it was like a lightbulb of panic went on. And then just a few minutes ago, a lightbulb of panic went on that maybe my sister had cancer too, because even on the gluten-free diet she still can't get off of the iron pills even though her diet is chalk-full of iron, and anemia is one of the prime signs of gastrointestinal cancers. You get the picture.
It's not just being a music student and an MYC teacher that has changed my brain. Taking the involuntary course called "Cancer 101" changed my brain as well...
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Friday, December 30, 2011
Able to get some work done!
This afternoon, two of my original sides collided in combined productivity...the nerd side of me, and the neat-freak side of me! So, I spent some time this afternoon dusting my room and other small tasks that have been neglected for a while (but still allowed me to mostly sit down-my bed or desk chair reach much of my room!) while listening to my listening excerpts for 20th century! Nerd and Neat Freak combined. I had a bit of a rougher time this evening, falling into the depressed/lonely/anxious/sad/tired trap. So, I wrote in my journal for a few pages giving myself the 'pity party' that an older flute player friend of mine (an education student and mom to a 5 year old-she's in her thirties so has a bit more life experience than me) said we all need sometimes. I figured a few pages of that would help to get it out of my system and I could then be more productive. Which, as it turns out worked. I was able to take some notes for my Research Methods paper on the flute sonatas/works of J.S.Bach. Not as much as I really would have liked to be able to do, but my right hand was beginning to protest. Given how important my hands are to me...I figured that even though my brain could continue focusing, I needed to stop. Typing uses different muscles than writing by hand...
As they say, getting started is the hardest part. I think now that I've made this bit of headway, it will be easier to continue on.
The good news is that I cannot remember any dreams from last night! Given their peculiar nature lately, that is a good thing.
I think that I really need to get out of the house for at least a little while tomorrow. I literally have not been outside since tuesday when I went down to my piano lesson, and when it comes to interacting with friends, well, the closest I come is a very brief conversation with a fellow music student on December 22nd! Outside of the internet world/texting world that is. Which doesn't quite count. Well, I should clarify things. Christmas Eve I saw one of my fellow MYC teachers briefly after the Christmas Eve service at my sister's church, and Christmas day, I naturally saw my sister, and we also had lunch at our close family friend's place. And yes, I am good friends with them. But in terms of contact with people between, say, 18-30...well...that has been lacking! And I definitely need some of that contact! I love my fellow MYC teachers, and definitely look forward to our brunches and other gatherings, and I love seeing the family friends that we had lunch with and look forward to it as well...but there's just something about being with people my own age that I NEED for my soul! Maybe I'll give my friend N. a text or call tomorrow morning and see if she is 'free' to see me tomorrow afternoon. Free as in no one else planning on visiting her/ no passes outside of the hospital. Yes, she's back on the ward.
My ipod on my stereo is right now playing "NYC" from Annie. Brings back good memories from grade 9 when I was in that musical in high school. It was fun playing an orphan!
As they say, getting started is the hardest part. I think now that I've made this bit of headway, it will be easier to continue on.
The good news is that I cannot remember any dreams from last night! Given their peculiar nature lately, that is a good thing.
I think that I really need to get out of the house for at least a little while tomorrow. I literally have not been outside since tuesday when I went down to my piano lesson, and when it comes to interacting with friends, well, the closest I come is a very brief conversation with a fellow music student on December 22nd! Outside of the internet world/texting world that is. Which doesn't quite count. Well, I should clarify things. Christmas Eve I saw one of my fellow MYC teachers briefly after the Christmas Eve service at my sister's church, and Christmas day, I naturally saw my sister, and we also had lunch at our close family friend's place. And yes, I am good friends with them. But in terms of contact with people between, say, 18-30...well...that has been lacking! And I definitely need some of that contact! I love my fellow MYC teachers, and definitely look forward to our brunches and other gatherings, and I love seeing the family friends that we had lunch with and look forward to it as well...but there's just something about being with people my own age that I NEED for my soul! Maybe I'll give my friend N. a text or call tomorrow morning and see if she is 'free' to see me tomorrow afternoon. Free as in no one else planning on visiting her/ no passes outside of the hospital. Yes, she's back on the ward.
My ipod on my stereo is right now playing "NYC" from Annie. Brings back good memories from grade 9 when I was in that musical in high school. It was fun playing an orphan!
Thursday, December 29, 2011
50 minutes!
Yes, I was able to play amadeus (my flute!) for 50 minutes (ish). My right arm is in a bit of a protesting mood though now. I may have overdone it slightly, but I miss playing my flute like normal SO SO SO MUCH!
Cold-developing-wise, things are still on a bit of a plateau. I have had some mild chills/hot flashes which is actually pretty uncommon for me with a cold, but not anything crazy. My throat is about the same, but my sinuses aren't bothering me thankfully. If I'm lucky, this will still NOT develop into anything. In the meantime, I need to appreciate the 'healthy' time I have left, if it IS going to develop into something. Which means I should go to bed earlier tonight. I DID go to bed earlier last night...and ended up sleeping even later. It was almost noon when I got up. A far cry from the 8 and 8:30 am I set my alarms for. I'd like to wake up earlier if only to avoid strange, strange, strange dreams. Last week, I dreamed that I was getting a very painful echocardiogram-not from a doctor, but from the professor of the Race and Immigration course I dropped last year. Talk about strange on that one. Last night, I dreamed that I had a baby brother and that somehow, my dad and I had lost him in the Superstore parking lot. Even stranger...and disturbing. Plus, the parking lot was in different layers. I don't seem to get these dreams if I don't end up sleeping more than 10 hours..
Or maybe it's just something with sleeping past 10am. Either way...
It's true that God will never give us more than we can handle. I can do this, through his grace, and through the support of those around me.
Cold-developing-wise, things are still on a bit of a plateau. I have had some mild chills/hot flashes which is actually pretty uncommon for me with a cold, but not anything crazy. My throat is about the same, but my sinuses aren't bothering me thankfully. If I'm lucky, this will still NOT develop into anything. In the meantime, I need to appreciate the 'healthy' time I have left, if it IS going to develop into something. Which means I should go to bed earlier tonight. I DID go to bed earlier last night...and ended up sleeping even later. It was almost noon when I got up. A far cry from the 8 and 8:30 am I set my alarms for. I'd like to wake up earlier if only to avoid strange, strange, strange dreams. Last week, I dreamed that I was getting a very painful echocardiogram-not from a doctor, but from the professor of the Race and Immigration course I dropped last year. Talk about strange on that one. Last night, I dreamed that I had a baby brother and that somehow, my dad and I had lost him in the Superstore parking lot. Even stranger...and disturbing. Plus, the parking lot was in different layers. I don't seem to get these dreams if I don't end up sleeping more than 10 hours..
Or maybe it's just something with sleeping past 10am. Either way...
It's true that God will never give us more than we can handle. I can do this, through his grace, and through the support of those around me.
Now I'm REALLY going 'are you kidding me?!!!!!' Yes, my throat has now been strange for more than a day. I was really hoping that when I woke up this morning that it would be normal. No such luck. Well, two weeks ago I WAS down at the university to write an exam, I guess I must have picked something up then. Sigh. It has now been three weeks of pretty much constant illness. Yes, I have had a little bit of a reprieve from, say, friday or saturday until about tuesday, but even then, I was still dealing with the after-effects of cold number one (if this throat thing turns into cold number two), and the 'episode'. It's moments like this when I get so, well, worried that it's just going to continue on and on and on like this, and I will not be able to be the student I love to be.
Okay, now that I have had my little 'pity party', it's time to change my attitude and have a paradigm shift. Yes, if this is another cold coming on, it's a bit strange but not impossible even if I had an immune system at peak efficiency, even at being 21 years old. I can get through this. Instead of focusing on what I can't do, I need to focus on what I can do, and do that. I was just listening to a story on the radio about a refugee camp in Haiti. Huge paradigm shift. I can get through this...I am still incredibly blessed!
Okay, now that I have had my little 'pity party', it's time to change my attitude and have a paradigm shift. Yes, if this is another cold coming on, it's a bit strange but not impossible even if I had an immune system at peak efficiency, even at being 21 years old. I can get through this. Instead of focusing on what I can't do, I need to focus on what I can do, and do that. I was just listening to a story on the radio about a refugee camp in Haiti. Huge paradigm shift. I can get through this...I am still incredibly blessed!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Half an hour
For a university student, being only able to practice in half-hour segments is frustrating. I had a bit of a moment earlier this evening when I found at the end of about half an hour of practising that I really needed to stop for a while. Orchestra starts up again on January 4th, and it's more than 2 hours of rehearsal...then Wind Ensemble on the 5th. I was getting upset and concerned that I wouldn't be back to a level that I could do those rehearsals, but I have calmed down a bit and realized that it is still a week away, that I have come quite a ways from December 7th, and that I still need to be patient and optimistic. I was even able to run to catch my buses today to and from my piano lesson, despite it being quite cold out (almost -20). My lungs didn't appreciate it too much though, but I was able to! Four minutes of running is impressive even if it wasn't anywhere near top speed. Two weeks ago, it was incredibly tiring just to put in a load of laundry. Well, it's still not normal, but it's better. It IS very hard accepting that whatever happened/is happening, is not something that I can bounce back from in a couple of days like a sore throat or stomach virus. Really, the last time I had anything more than a cold was in grade twelve when I had bronchitis. In total, I missed two classes...maybe (I honestly don't remember my schedule from then!). And the only reason I missed them was less because I felt sick and more because I felt super emotional and not safe. Well, okay, part of the reason I was more emotional was because I was sick, but the main reason was, upon going to pick up a pre-cal test because I had decided that even though I really could function still, I should go home (my fever being above 100.4 when I had checked it in the washroom-my own idea to take the thermometer in my purse that day-my mom didn't know how sick I really was)-I found out that I hadn't done as well as I thought I had, and I didn't feel 'safe'. In the end, I went to the library to work on a presentation that my friend and I were doing on women during the middle ages for History of Western Civilization the next day. THEN I went home. The next day, I was a bit better in the morning, but got worse as the day went along, and by evening I was on the couch with a fever of almost 102. It was a friday, and I figured I would just let it stay for a while...I even wrote a newspaper article (part of my advanced placement english class) while sick that evening. I took tylenol and cold medicine before going to bed, and woke up with no fever, although my cough was still terrible (so much so that at orchestra that saturday afternoon-yes, I was crazy and went to orchestra, showed how much I loved it!-my friend wanted to drive me to the hospital). I never did get antibiotics, but given that my cough and other symptoms were worse (but similar) to when I had bronchitis when I was twelve (and was diagnosed with it by my doctor), I knew that that's what I had. Since then, until now, I have not had anything more than a cold, mild headache cured either by time, sleep (if at night) or tylenol (okay, except for 2 during my first summer job when I was 19, but I think those were somehow food related), mild food related stomach issues, or sleep deprivation. Of course, I would have preferred to get something that has a definitive end to it! With an ear infection, cold, stomach virus, etc, you know that you might feel bad for a day, three days, or even a week or so, but that after that you will be back to normal. I have no guarantee on being back to normal, nor any timeline. That's what makes this difficult. Not knowing exactly what's wrong, not knowing what to do to make things better (besides common sense), not knowing how long it's going to take, not knowing if I could have another severe episode that launches things back to 'square one' recovery (or worse)...I hate not knowing.
I just have to keep my faith though. God has not abandoned me, and even with whatever is going on, I am blessed beyond the ability to comprehend it.
Random bible verse for today- Isaiah 38: 16 "Lord, you discipline is good, for it leads to life and health. You have restored my health and have allowed me to live!"
That is actually quite powerful...especially as I turned to that page randomly.
I just have to keep my faith though. God has not abandoned me, and even with whatever is going on, I am blessed beyond the ability to comprehend it.
Random bible verse for today- Isaiah 38: 16 "Lord, you discipline is good, for it leads to life and health. You have restored my health and have allowed me to live!"
That is actually quite powerful...especially as I turned to that page randomly.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Boxing day, my style...
Boxing day, my style. Slept in later then I intended to, but whatever. My body obviously still needs that additional rest. Unfortunately, I did wake up in some pain, and feeling more ill, but with this reason, I know that I will be feeling loads better tomorrow. Plus, tylenol took care of the muscle issues. I have not been especially productive today, except in getting music onto my new Ipod. Which has actually been very easy! Thankfully. A few people have made it out like it was rocket science as I have a PC, not a Mac, but it has been working exceptionally well. Still have LOTS more cds to import though. It's not a one or two day project by any means, given that each takes about 3-5 minutes to import...at least.
Tomorrow, I very much plan to be productive! And those are not going to be famous last words!
Tomorrow, I very much plan to be productive! And those are not going to be famous last words!
Merry Christmas
It's always nice to have Christmas fall on a sunday, because we then have a church service in the morning. Not too much else to think. Last night/very early this morning was pretty difficult, and I fully fulfilled my nerd/addicted student role by marking pages in books from the Music Library that I felt might come in use for my paper on the Bach flute sonatas, and perhaps even listening to excerpts for my 20th century exam at the same time. However, this was due in part to needing an utter distraction after getting quite emotional. I knew that I could NOT think about it and I figured I might as well make use of my time by doing work that really did need to be done. So yes, at 2am on Christmas morning, I was working on a paper.
Brings to mind 2am on December 8th, when I was studying 20th century composers while waiting for the doctor to tell me what the results of my bloodwork showed and what would be happening further.
Well, with that in mind, having figured out how to use my Ipod, I am actually listening to one of the excerpts "La Cathedrale Engloutie", by Claude Debussy-it's one of his piano preludes, written in 1910. Quite nice actually. I have it hooked up to my stereo. The only thing so far that has been disappointing about the Ipod is that I feel like I cannot get the volume quite LOW enough! A bit frustrating for a woman who wants to keep her hearing intact. Obviously, when riding a bus, I would want to have the volume slightly louder, but one of the main times I listen to music is in bed. It's pretty quiet there!
I guess it is 'tomorrow', as in December 26th now. Well, later today I need to work on my paper (s) some more, and do some more studying, practising, and getting my room into order, so I should go to bed. Hopefully, I will be able to do some vacuuming and dusting tomorrow-it has not been done for a LONG time. And, I'm hoping to put a few more decorations up, just to make things 'normal' for the Christmas season. Had I been well, I would have put them up at least a few days ago, but given how things have gone, I'm considering myself lucky to have gotten the tree up.
This Christmas might not go down into the record books as one of the most memorable, but it was not bad in any way. Thinking back, I might call the Christmases I was 5 and 10 years old some of the happiest, and that is not because of the gifts, although I do remember some specific things from each of those years...in fact, Charlotte the Elephant from the Christmas I was 5 still sits on top of my taller bookshelf (my mom made her). Rather, they just felt so, so happy. Okay, so the Christmas I was 5 I also lost my first tooth while eating a potato chip watching The Nutcracker on tv, so that's somewhat significant. One reason that the Christmas I was 5 sticks out now is that a picture was taken...one of the only pictures I could find of just my mom and I. We're both in the ancient, ancient rocking chair that was 'her chair' in the living room, she's smiling in those crazy huge 1980's to mid 1990's glasses (this is 1995), and appears to be unwrapping something from me with my hand on top. I'm care-free and in a new outfit that I got that day. It's funny, but I actually remember the FIRST outfit that I put on that day, a green sweat-suit with flowers on the top. Strange how those things pop up...that was also the outfit that I wore to 'The Sound of Music' presented a few months later in the summer. Yes, my brain remembers these things, with really no rhyme or reason as to WHY. But, I can say that for some reason, I do tend to have memory recall for what outfit I wore at events, sometimes not even that important of events, or ones captured by camera. Just the way things are, I guess. The last important bit of this picture is that my mom is wearing a yellow sweatshirt, and just visible to someone who knows that it's there is the Music for Young Children Moon/Sun logo used at that time. A small point, but it's somewhat ironic that in one of the only photos of JUST the two of us that I could find, she's wearing an MYC sweatshirt.
I miss my mom and her non-fashionable way of dressing...even when it embarrassed me as a teenager slightly. This was in part brought back by seeing the EXACT kind of shoes my mom wore day in and day out for YEARS (read: almost my whole life) at Zellars (the EXACT place she would get them) yesterday when shopping with my friend for HER family! Brought back a lot of memories.
Such is life. But this is the life that God has given me. I have been blessed, and this is my path. God never said that the path would be easy, only that we will not be walking it alone. For that I am grateful.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Decorating the tree
Next year, I take off my makeup before decorating the Christmas tree. Yes, for the first time in weeks, I had actually put on a little bit of makeup before the church service this evening. I didn't want to look sick or anything! When I got home, I decided to put on my new fleece jammies, make some tea and then decorate the Christmas tree while watching the MASH christmas episodes (somewhat of a tradition to put on MASH while decorating the Christmas tree, I've been doing it for years). Anyways, I didn't realize how much decorating the tree would start to affect me. The first one that got me was a glass bird that was always stored in my mom's box of ornaments (all carefully labelled in her somewhat hard to read pencil), and from there it was somewhat downhill, and all those ornaments that I loved made me emotional, just kept tying pretty much every single one to my mom in some way, which I guess is true, they all are in some way or another, or other family members. I guess the one that hurt the most was putting up the blue star that she made in grade one. Just about the simplest ornament on the tree, but one of the most precious.
I've heard it said that the second time around is harder then the first when it comes to things like this. Perhaps that's the case here, and I probably shouldn't expect my emotions to be as stable with everything that has been going on physically too. Basically, today has been a good day, a bit tiring, and I may be sore tomorrow. I went shopping with a friend...well, basically it was her needing to shopping, but she had been off three provinces away at bible college, so it was a chance to see her! And in all honesty, the crowds weren't too bad, and she did okay finding things for her family and sort-of-boyfriend. I even got something I needed-soap from The Body Shop-and a couple of things I didn't-cds on sale at HMV. But, we were walking for a LONG time. Much more then I've been able to do for quite a while! I was really happy that I managed it, but later on, standing for the singing of two carols at once and a prayer, my legs were almost giving out on me...whilst still holding a lit candle. Much longer and I would have HAD to sit down, or had some disastrous fainting results. But I lasted, and even got to see a fellow MYC teacher who attends my sister's church (it was our year to go to her church). I would have seen my dean, the prof I mark for and a fellow music student who plays cello also (they also go to my sister's church) but they had to rush off to pick up their other son/brother at the airport right after! Glad they could all be together for Christmas though.
I guess everything that's shining through right now just shows again how much I miss my mom. Obviously, I would not want to be celebrating a Christmas with her ill, but oh, to go back to the Christmas of 2008 or earlier, for just one more time, before cancer became part of my daily thoughts.
I've heard it said that the second time around is harder then the first when it comes to things like this. Perhaps that's the case here, and I probably shouldn't expect my emotions to be as stable with everything that has been going on physically too. Basically, today has been a good day, a bit tiring, and I may be sore tomorrow. I went shopping with a friend...well, basically it was her needing to shopping, but she had been off three provinces away at bible college, so it was a chance to see her! And in all honesty, the crowds weren't too bad, and she did okay finding things for her family and sort-of-boyfriend. I even got something I needed-soap from The Body Shop-and a couple of things I didn't-cds on sale at HMV. But, we were walking for a LONG time. Much more then I've been able to do for quite a while! I was really happy that I managed it, but later on, standing for the singing of two carols at once and a prayer, my legs were almost giving out on me...whilst still holding a lit candle. Much longer and I would have HAD to sit down, or had some disastrous fainting results. But I lasted, and even got to see a fellow MYC teacher who attends my sister's church (it was our year to go to her church). I would have seen my dean, the prof I mark for and a fellow music student who plays cello also (they also go to my sister's church) but they had to rush off to pick up their other son/brother at the airport right after! Glad they could all be together for Christmas though.
I guess everything that's shining through right now just shows again how much I miss my mom. Obviously, I would not want to be celebrating a Christmas with her ill, but oh, to go back to the Christmas of 2008 or earlier, for just one more time, before cancer became part of my daily thoughts.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Mostly more smiles, some :(
Smiles on playing my flute for 20 minutes tonight! Really only the 2nd time I have been able to play my flute at all since December 7th, and the first time that it was really a success. I SOOOOOO badly wanted to play for longer but I felt it would be foolish to push my luck. I'm going to have to be gentle with myself, this is not like some little sore throat or even the nasty stomach viruses I would get as a child, this is going to take time. But, I was still able to! Talk about ecstasy there! Also, I am in my new fleece pajamas, and they are exceptionally comfortable and cozy. Who cares if they are a girl's size and I still had to roll up the cuffs? And, I just listened to Brahms 4th symphony with my dad and had some good conversation time (we often have our best conversations after 11pm...). AND, I'm going to get to see a friend who I have not seen since the summer (she was out studying 3 provinces away at bible college) tomorrow! So yes, these are all wonderful positivity things.
The only reason I have the :( put down is because my heart is feeling 'shaky', most likely because I had my bath water too hot, and it was a stresser on it. It will settle down though. But, sigh, it's one more thing that I am going to have to alter...or live with.
The only reason I have the :( put down is because my heart is feeling 'shaky', most likely because I had my bath water too hot, and it was a stresser on it. It will settle down though. But, sigh, it's one more thing that I am going to have to alter...or live with.
Friday, December 23, 2011
:)
Today feels like a complete reversal from yesterday! I had a really rough evening yesterday night, felt quite low about everything, and even dreamed about my mom being around, which isn't the most pleasant thing to wake up from. I hadn't dreamed about my mom for quite sometime, but I guess when I was feeling so bad about, well, lots of things last night it came into play as well.
In spite of that, and in spite of sleeping so long still-until almost 11:30, when I went to bed a little after midnight, today has been a pretty good day so far. I honestly feel better then I have since December 7th!!!! My stomach feels pretty normal, I'm tired, but not excessively, and my breathing hasn't been too funny. My cold is pretty much gone-I did cough a few times while eating, which wasn't expected, but no issues. I have optimism that this will continue. I think I am about halfway back to normal, which is good!
And now, seeing as I have energy, I must do things like put away laundry, vacuum my floor (it is a disaster) and buy sheets for my dad and sister. Yes, they both asked for sheets for Christmas. Lol. At least it's an easy request. But, my sister has a queen sized bed, so they are not going to be cheap...oh well. It's Christmas, and despite our differences, she's a great sister and I love her.
In spite of that, and in spite of sleeping so long still-until almost 11:30, when I went to bed a little after midnight, today has been a pretty good day so far. I honestly feel better then I have since December 7th!!!! My stomach feels pretty normal, I'm tired, but not excessively, and my breathing hasn't been too funny. My cold is pretty much gone-I did cough a few times while eating, which wasn't expected, but no issues. I have optimism that this will continue. I think I am about halfway back to normal, which is good!
And now, seeing as I have energy, I must do things like put away laundry, vacuum my floor (it is a disaster) and buy sheets for my dad and sister. Yes, they both asked for sheets for Christmas. Lol. At least it's an easy request. But, my sister has a queen sized bed, so they are not going to be cheap...oh well. It's Christmas, and despite our differences, she's a great sister and I love her.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
:(
Not as good a day today as I had been hoping for. My opera history professor actually woke me up this morning phoning a little before ten. Now, I am not a person that usually sleeps in, and I have NOT been going to bed that late even...usually a bit before midnight, and falling asleep pretty fast (even on this 25mg dose of seroquel). But, I have been needing a LOT more sleep then the average 21 year old. I felt somewhat embarrassed talking like a zombie, but I was still zonked. Perhaps learning that, yes, the second half of my exam WAS going to be written in the afternoon exacerbated things, but I realized that I felt pretty sick when I got off the phone (and I was still lying down...my cell phone alarms had of course gone off at 8:30, my attempt to get up after a reasonable amount of sleep...but I just kept shutting them off-but it meant that my cell phone was on and nearby or I would have missed the call!). That was the first disappointment to the day, because I really hadn't been feeling that nauseous waking up for a few days. It felt like everything was backtracking. I laughed with my friends on sunday evening that I had thought about posting a complaint status on facebook that I wanted to stop feeling sick every morning, but changed my mind when I realized that it would look like I was pregnant! I wasn't really able to eat lunch, just sloooowly nibbled on a kashi granola bar while writing the exam, which fortunately went better then the listening portion. And, I got some good news in that my professor told me that everyone (all five of us) had not done as well as he had expected on the listening section, so he was going to be bumping the marks up. Okay, so that's not exactly amazing news, but it means that everyone is going to do better...if it had just been me not doing amazing, than it would not have been changed!
I have definitely had less energy today...perhaps I exerted too much yesterday going to an appointment (an 80 minute trip on the bus...each way!), and then cooking a 15-minute dinner? I don't know, but at least that 15 minute dinner is healthy-channa masala and a source of protein and mono-unsaturated fat. These days, given that it is very hard to cook for several reasons, I have tended to fall onto super easy things...sometimes two meals a day, and a lot of cereal with not very much milk. It's even hard to tell my dad what to put on the grocery list. Exhaustion and fighting some stomach issues does not make things easier in the food department. As I told my dad while we were putting up lights on the tree (finally, it's been sitting there at least a week), don't look at me strangely if I make brussel sprouts or sweat potato fries later tonight, which I am actually probably going to make both...need the vegetables and the food period. Yes, they are not 'fresh', but all things told, of processed foods, they could be a LOT worse. I still get the fibre, vitamin A, vitamin C, etc. And they actually sound appetizing.
It's a little bit disheartening to me that I will have DW (the university term for incomplete) sitting as my grades for things until stuff gets completed. Yes, it's all going to change, but it's still frustrating. I hate having low energy, but it has given me a taste of what my mom went through...probably X 100. Although, she had trouble sleeping...so not quite the same. I'm sleeping so much.
Still, I have to take the small improvements that HAVE come. Going up the stairs was a lot easier today then last week, and my hands did not shake nearly as much or nearly as badly at the end of the exam. I was able to cook last night, even if it did exhaust me, and able to eat what I cooked-both yesterday and today. Tomorrow is another day, and with the grace of God, I will be a bit better tomorrow then I was today. This is my path, and I can do it, slowly but surely. I just have to be patient, and work with my body the way it is.
And now, time to make some red tea, cook some more food, and watch MASH. Yes, I have an essay I should work on, but I need to take things into consideration. Busing more then two hours to the university, writing for at least 1.25 hours, and dealing with some degree more of illness today means that it is not very reasonable to expect myself to work on the essay, and I am probably asking for trouble if I do.
Let go and Let God
I have definitely had less energy today...perhaps I exerted too much yesterday going to an appointment (an 80 minute trip on the bus...each way!), and then cooking a 15-minute dinner? I don't know, but at least that 15 minute dinner is healthy-channa masala and a source of protein and mono-unsaturated fat. These days, given that it is very hard to cook for several reasons, I have tended to fall onto super easy things...sometimes two meals a day, and a lot of cereal with not very much milk. It's even hard to tell my dad what to put on the grocery list. Exhaustion and fighting some stomach issues does not make things easier in the food department. As I told my dad while we were putting up lights on the tree (finally, it's been sitting there at least a week), don't look at me strangely if I make brussel sprouts or sweat potato fries later tonight, which I am actually probably going to make both...need the vegetables and the food period. Yes, they are not 'fresh', but all things told, of processed foods, they could be a LOT worse. I still get the fibre, vitamin A, vitamin C, etc. And they actually sound appetizing.
It's a little bit disheartening to me that I will have DW (the university term for incomplete) sitting as my grades for things until stuff gets completed. Yes, it's all going to change, but it's still frustrating. I hate having low energy, but it has given me a taste of what my mom went through...probably X 100. Although, she had trouble sleeping...so not quite the same. I'm sleeping so much.
Still, I have to take the small improvements that HAVE come. Going up the stairs was a lot easier today then last week, and my hands did not shake nearly as much or nearly as badly at the end of the exam. I was able to cook last night, even if it did exhaust me, and able to eat what I cooked-both yesterday and today. Tomorrow is another day, and with the grace of God, I will be a bit better tomorrow then I was today. This is my path, and I can do it, slowly but surely. I just have to be patient, and work with my body the way it is.
And now, time to make some red tea, cook some more food, and watch MASH. Yes, I have an essay I should work on, but I need to take things into consideration. Busing more then two hours to the university, writing for at least 1.25 hours, and dealing with some degree more of illness today means that it is not very reasonable to expect myself to work on the essay, and I am probably asking for trouble if I do.
Let go and Let God
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
So...
So, today was not actually the echocardiogram, it was just meeting with two cardiologists at the clinic. Basically, all I learned that was that my heart murmur was probably a 2 on a scale of 1 to 6 in terms of loudness (so, it was not very loud), and that my potassium had been at 3.3. So, it was a bit low, but it would NOT have been causing the problems.
Because of the shortness of breath, they would like to do a lung function test to test for asthma, but we all agree it's pretty unlikely...no wheezing, no coughing. I'm also going to have a stress test booked. The lung function test is not until March 14th however-I can't even blame them, because they ONLY do them at 1pm on MWF's. I COULD have booked it for March 7th, but that is often music festival week and I don't want to risk anything overlapping. I hate that I'm going to have to miss some of my classes for that day, but there is NO way around it. I also hate that I am going to have to take inhaled steroids to see if things work better afterwards. Hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it! But, again, it has to happen.
I wanted answers today, but I didn't really get any. Still waiting for the other hospital (fortunately easier to get to!) to phone me about the echocardiogram...
Because of the shortness of breath, they would like to do a lung function test to test for asthma, but we all agree it's pretty unlikely...no wheezing, no coughing. I'm also going to have a stress test booked. The lung function test is not until March 14th however-I can't even blame them, because they ONLY do them at 1pm on MWF's. I COULD have booked it for March 7th, but that is often music festival week and I don't want to risk anything overlapping. I hate that I'm going to have to miss some of my classes for that day, but there is NO way around it. I also hate that I am going to have to take inhaled steroids to see if things work better afterwards. Hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it! But, again, it has to happen.
I wanted answers today, but I didn't really get any. Still waiting for the other hospital (fortunately easier to get to!) to phone me about the echocardiogram...
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Nerves
Yes, the reality has sunk in that tomorrow I go get an echocardiogram done, and hopefully find out what has gone wrong, and what can be done to help me be my normal self again. Which means that right now I am nervous. Yes, the most serious things were ruled out two weeks ago...but...well...here's a list of some of the things I am currently nervous about:
-that things will have worsened over two weeks (ie, although I was not in heart failure two weeks ago, I will be showing signs of stuff like that tomorrow)
-that I will have to take time off of school or teaching
-that I won't ever get back to playing my flute properly
-that I would need a valve replaced (repaired I am less concerned about, but replaced, I don't like the idea of a foreign object in me, and having to take blood thinners the rest of my life)
-that any medications that might be prescribed will not work
-that any medications prescribed will have disastrous side effects like worsening my fatigue or making me gain weight (yes, that is basically what I am worried about-not allergic reactions but those two things)
-that if things start getting better my body will decide to spring up past my 'set point' of 85-86 pounds.
-that I will be reliant on my dad for more things then I want to be
-that I will not be allowed to go to the gym once I'm feeling more normal
-that I won't be allowed to drive
-that there will be nothing they can do
-that there is something more serious then heart valves going on (read back to the 'reasons for high protein levels in the blood' post and realize that that can mean bone marrow issues)
-perhaps in some ways the most frightening to me, that they will not find anything which means that I won't be able to function normally as a student or teacher-the very things that mean so much to me. Yes, my faith means more to me then those, but that is my life's work-developing the skills in University to be the best teacher, performer and scholar that I can be, and then teaching and performing.
I need to trust that whatever happens tomorrow and in the subsequent days, weeks, and months, that this is God's plan for me and that I am not walking alone.
-that things will have worsened over two weeks (ie, although I was not in heart failure two weeks ago, I will be showing signs of stuff like that tomorrow)
-that I will have to take time off of school or teaching
-that I won't ever get back to playing my flute properly
-that I would need a valve replaced (repaired I am less concerned about, but replaced, I don't like the idea of a foreign object in me, and having to take blood thinners the rest of my life)
-that any medications that might be prescribed will not work
-that any medications prescribed will have disastrous side effects like worsening my fatigue or making me gain weight (yes, that is basically what I am worried about-not allergic reactions but those two things)
-that if things start getting better my body will decide to spring up past my 'set point' of 85-86 pounds.
-that I will be reliant on my dad for more things then I want to be
-that I will not be allowed to go to the gym once I'm feeling more normal
-that I won't be allowed to drive
-that there will be nothing they can do
-that there is something more serious then heart valves going on (read back to the 'reasons for high protein levels in the blood' post and realize that that can mean bone marrow issues)
-perhaps in some ways the most frightening to me, that they will not find anything which means that I won't be able to function normally as a student or teacher-the very things that mean so much to me. Yes, my faith means more to me then those, but that is my life's work-developing the skills in University to be the best teacher, performer and scholar that I can be, and then teaching and performing.
I need to trust that whatever happens tomorrow and in the subsequent days, weeks, and months, that this is God's plan for me and that I am not walking alone.
A picture of me at 21
Random things:
Favourite symphony: Must I chose just one? Beethoven's 5th, Dvorak's new world symphony, Beethoven Symphony #2 (can I just go with ALL the Beethoven symphonies?) Tchaikovsky 4 and 6, Mahler 5...
Favourite drink: Green tea, as anyone around me knows!
Favourite food: Channa masala.
Favourite thing in my room: Besides my bed and my flute, it would have to be the pictures of my friends and fellow musicians, as well as that of my Sponsor Child Atalia. Looking at the pictures makes me remember all the great times we have had together, and in the case of Atalia, how even though I do not have much, I can help a little child!
Favourite animal: Penguins.
Favourite month: September
Favourite time of day: Whenever I am playing my flute, teaching, or laughing with friends/colleagues.
Favourite author: Several come to mind including C.S. Lewis, Jean Little, Greg Mortenson, Charlotte Bronte
Favourite Composer: Too hard to narrow down, but I LOVE Beethoven, Bach, Mozart, Debussy, Stravinsky, and Gaubert.
Favourite level of MYC so far: Sunshine One
Favourite Christmas carol: Hark the Harold Angels sing and Charles Ives' Christmas Carol that begins : "Little child of Bethlehem..."
Favourite flower: Peonies, as they smell very nice, are incredibly resilient and bloom in my front yard.
Favourite book: Currently? Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson and the sequel, Stones into Schools. Everyone should read them. That, and my bible!
Favourite colour: Pink, Blue and Yellow. Wearing hot pink always perks me up.
Favourite piece of clothing: Besides my grad dress, which is my absolute favourite (but not practical in most situations), my favourite is my blue plaid skirt. I love it, and wearing my blue plaid skirt 'outfit' is my favourite way to dress, from the dark turquoise blouse with the slightly ruffled v-neck down to my black boots!
Favourite symbol: The cross, and the butterfly. For a time, one of my stress relief activities was to draw or paint butterflies. I then stuck them on my wall and door. To date, there are over 40 butterflies in my room. Well, pictures of butterflies that is.
Favourite kind of shoe: Obvious again...flats! I have lots of flats, mostly from the Payless kids' section. What can I say, I have small feet and they are cheaper there. My latest addition was a pair of sparkly silver flats.
Favourite children's show: Mr. Rogers and Mr. Dressup. I also enjoyed Reading Rainbow.
Favourite show now: MASH, of course.
What I miss since becoming a mostly-vegetarian: Pepperoni pizza and butter chicken.
Things people might be surprised to know: I couldn't swallow pills until I was almost 18 and I still take children's cold medicines (but this is mostly due to not wanting to accidently overdose on adult preparations). I have liked Star Trek since I was about 4 years old. I didn't like my middle name for years because I couldn't pronounce it, even though it is only 3 letters long. I DO NOT like going to movies in the theatre, although I enjoy watching them at home. I have a pitch-pipe in a purple box sitting on my desk.
Instrument I wish I could play: Cello and organ.
Things that make me feel amazing: Seeing my students 'get' something, giving and receiving hugs, being able to encourage and thank others, playing my flute.
Thing that annoys me the most: Of all the symptoms to happen recently, the one that bothers me the most (not frightens) is when I cannot breath through my nose!!!! I can deal with every other cold symptom, but that one drives me insane. Horrah for decongestant.
Goals for 2012: Keep being a student and do well in my courses. Get my intermediate driver's license. Get my level 2 MYC certification. Learn lots of music. Spread love, encouragement and positivity to all that I can.
Final thoughts: Nobody said life would always be easy. It isn't, and it won't be. But it can be good, amazing even. Tough times make us appreciate those around us, and the amazing times even more. We are never alone. There are always at least two ways of looking at every situation. Take the high road, and see the positives as much as you can.
Favourite symphony: Must I chose just one? Beethoven's 5th, Dvorak's new world symphony, Beethoven Symphony #2 (can I just go with ALL the Beethoven symphonies?) Tchaikovsky 4 and 6, Mahler 5...
Favourite drink: Green tea, as anyone around me knows!
Favourite food: Channa masala.
Favourite thing in my room: Besides my bed and my flute, it would have to be the pictures of my friends and fellow musicians, as well as that of my Sponsor Child Atalia. Looking at the pictures makes me remember all the great times we have had together, and in the case of Atalia, how even though I do not have much, I can help a little child!
Favourite animal: Penguins.
Favourite month: September
Favourite time of day: Whenever I am playing my flute, teaching, or laughing with friends/colleagues.
Favourite author: Several come to mind including C.S. Lewis, Jean Little, Greg Mortenson, Charlotte Bronte
Favourite Composer: Too hard to narrow down, but I LOVE Beethoven, Bach, Mozart, Debussy, Stravinsky, and Gaubert.
Favourite level of MYC so far: Sunshine One
Favourite Christmas carol: Hark the Harold Angels sing and Charles Ives' Christmas Carol that begins : "Little child of Bethlehem..."
Favourite flower: Peonies, as they smell very nice, are incredibly resilient and bloom in my front yard.
Favourite book: Currently? Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson and the sequel, Stones into Schools. Everyone should read them. That, and my bible!
Favourite colour: Pink, Blue and Yellow. Wearing hot pink always perks me up.
Favourite piece of clothing: Besides my grad dress, which is my absolute favourite (but not practical in most situations), my favourite is my blue plaid skirt. I love it, and wearing my blue plaid skirt 'outfit' is my favourite way to dress, from the dark turquoise blouse with the slightly ruffled v-neck down to my black boots!
Favourite symbol: The cross, and the butterfly. For a time, one of my stress relief activities was to draw or paint butterflies. I then stuck them on my wall and door. To date, there are over 40 butterflies in my room. Well, pictures of butterflies that is.
Favourite kind of shoe: Obvious again...flats! I have lots of flats, mostly from the Payless kids' section. What can I say, I have small feet and they are cheaper there. My latest addition was a pair of sparkly silver flats.
Favourite children's show: Mr. Rogers and Mr. Dressup. I also enjoyed Reading Rainbow.
Favourite show now: MASH, of course.
What I miss since becoming a mostly-vegetarian: Pepperoni pizza and butter chicken.
Things people might be surprised to know: I couldn't swallow pills until I was almost 18 and I still take children's cold medicines (but this is mostly due to not wanting to accidently overdose on adult preparations). I have liked Star Trek since I was about 4 years old. I didn't like my middle name for years because I couldn't pronounce it, even though it is only 3 letters long. I DO NOT like going to movies in the theatre, although I enjoy watching them at home. I have a pitch-pipe in a purple box sitting on my desk.
Instrument I wish I could play: Cello and organ.
Things that make me feel amazing: Seeing my students 'get' something, giving and receiving hugs, being able to encourage and thank others, playing my flute.
Thing that annoys me the most: Of all the symptoms to happen recently, the one that bothers me the most (not frightens) is when I cannot breath through my nose!!!! I can deal with every other cold symptom, but that one drives me insane. Horrah for decongestant.
Goals for 2012: Keep being a student and do well in my courses. Get my intermediate driver's license. Get my level 2 MYC certification. Learn lots of music. Spread love, encouragement and positivity to all that I can.
Final thoughts: Nobody said life would always be easy. It isn't, and it won't be. But it can be good, amazing even. Tough times make us appreciate those around us, and the amazing times even more. We are never alone. There are always at least two ways of looking at every situation. Take the high road, and see the positives as much as you can.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
A cold? Honestly? But I am still grateful!
Yes, I have come down with a cold on top of everything. Given that none of my students have been sick the past two weeks of lessons, I am going to pin the blame for this on my fellow FoM-ers. Oh well. In the end, I was probably due for one, as I have not had one since September, but seriously? I was JUST starting to get back to normal from my December 7th aftermath! Now I have to deal with breathing issues in two ways...
The good news is that I am now done teaching until January 4th AND I got another student for Sunrise today.
Last night, after watching White Christmas, I was feeling rather blue and depressed. So, when I went to bed, I decided I would start writing down a list of all the people I am grateful for. I fell asleep still writing, more than 40 minutes later. I figured I would just write down EVERY person I could think of, which led to quite an extensive list of composers and authors as well. For, even though I will never meet Jane Austen, Beethoven, Charlotte Bronte, Galileo etc, I am grateful for all they have done! I love music, so where would I be without composers? I love the flute, so where would I be without Theobald Boehm? I love reading, so where would I be without the works of Jane Austen, Charlotte Bronte, Jean Little, C.S. Lewis, Leo Tolstoy, etc etc? I enjoy listening to music, so where would I be without the recordings of James Ehnes, James Galway, Susan Hoepner, Anton Kuerti, Angela Hewitt, Emanual Ax...you get the picture.
Seeing as it was rather late at night, I couldn't do the 'encourage others' trick, so this did help. I didn't even get down THINGS that I was grateful for...that would also be a long list. Yes, I could function in a world without a microwave, toaster, plug-in kettle, battery powered metronome, hand soap dispenser and other such items of the modern world, but I am grateful for them as they make my life easier.
God has given me so much. I cannot help but be grateful for everything!!!!! And THAT is the best way to kick depression in the rear.
The good news is that I am now done teaching until January 4th AND I got another student for Sunrise today.
Last night, after watching White Christmas, I was feeling rather blue and depressed. So, when I went to bed, I decided I would start writing down a list of all the people I am grateful for. I fell asleep still writing, more than 40 minutes later. I figured I would just write down EVERY person I could think of, which led to quite an extensive list of composers and authors as well. For, even though I will never meet Jane Austen, Beethoven, Charlotte Bronte, Galileo etc, I am grateful for all they have done! I love music, so where would I be without composers? I love the flute, so where would I be without Theobald Boehm? I love reading, so where would I be without the works of Jane Austen, Charlotte Bronte, Jean Little, C.S. Lewis, Leo Tolstoy, etc etc? I enjoy listening to music, so where would I be without the recordings of James Ehnes, James Galway, Susan Hoepner, Anton Kuerti, Angela Hewitt, Emanual Ax...you get the picture.
Seeing as it was rather late at night, I couldn't do the 'encourage others' trick, so this did help. I didn't even get down THINGS that I was grateful for...that would also be a long list. Yes, I could function in a world without a microwave, toaster, plug-in kettle, battery powered metronome, hand soap dispenser and other such items of the modern world, but I am grateful for them as they make my life easier.
God has given me so much. I cannot help but be grateful for everything!!!!! And THAT is the best way to kick depression in the rear.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Appointment #1
Not exactly an appointment on the specialist-figure-out-what-on-earth-is-going-on list, but it was a good one to have...today I had an appointment with L, my counsellor with the Eating Disorders program. The good news is that my file can still stay open, because of what I'm working through with my health right now. And, she has set up an appointment for me with the dietician A...which I definitely need to help me get back to eating and what not. But, it's not until January 23rd! So I have to go it on my own until then with the eating.
Things were going pretty okay, and it felt good to talk a bit about what's been going on-including my dad and the dating website. I even went over to Second Cup and had part of a sandwich, part of a triple chocolate chunk brownie and some green tea afterwards. Could not finish either though! I then went over and picked up my prescription at the pharmacy so they would stop phoning me and splurged on a pair of sparkly silver flats. Okay, splurge at $15 isn't a crazy splurge. I guess this wore me out, even though I was only out of the house for about 3.5 hours, I guess it was a bit too much. I am now quite tired, and have decided that I should snuggle up in a blanket, enjoy my tea, and watch White Christmas instead of trying to work on an essay or study. I had to turn down a babysitting job for tomorrow evening-I just don't have the energy to be out two evenings in a row, nor do I have the energy to babysit for the family because we usually play floor hockey, jump on the trampoline, hide and seek, etc for at least an hour or two before reading stories or watching a movie. I can't do that right now. It makes me sad...
Things were going pretty okay, and it felt good to talk a bit about what's been going on-including my dad and the dating website. I even went over to Second Cup and had part of a sandwich, part of a triple chocolate chunk brownie and some green tea afterwards. Could not finish either though! I then went over and picked up my prescription at the pharmacy so they would stop phoning me and splurged on a pair of sparkly silver flats. Okay, splurge at $15 isn't a crazy splurge. I guess this wore me out, even though I was only out of the house for about 3.5 hours, I guess it was a bit too much. I am now quite tired, and have decided that I should snuggle up in a blanket, enjoy my tea, and watch White Christmas instead of trying to work on an essay or study. I had to turn down a babysitting job for tomorrow evening-I just don't have the energy to be out two evenings in a row, nor do I have the energy to babysit for the family because we usually play floor hockey, jump on the trampoline, hide and seek, etc for at least an hour or two before reading stories or watching a movie. I can't do that right now. It makes me sad...
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Not sure how I feel about this, on multiple levels...
So, after an exhausting day forcing myself to go down to the university (75 minutes on the bus/waiting each way) for my History of Opera exam review, I finally get home, and my dad announces that he has signed up onto a Christian Dating website.
Wham. I was not expecting that right now. Obviously, I want him to be happy but it was just one more thing from today that has been hitting hard.
I'm dealing with figuring everything out while still feeling quite fatigued and somewhat ill...I found out this morning that I've lost 6 pounds in the past few days. No wonder my jeans this morning were able to slide down without me unzipping them...I still woke up feeling sick, but managed to eat a piece of toast before going down to the university.
I run into one of my accompanists outside the performance hall on my way down to the student mailboxes. We chat a little bit, and she asks if I'd heard anything/spoken to my other main accompanist recently, which I hadn't, because she has been taking time off to take care of her husband, who was a professor at the faculty until this fall and has pancreatic cancer. She then mentions that he is now at R, which is a palliative care facility in my city. Wham again. I felt like crying, even though I don't really know him that well. Cancer hits me hard these days...
I end up having to walk across campus for the review, including up a couple of flights of stairs because only 2/5 of us in the class were able to come to it, and our professor felt it would be easiest out of his office (which I cannot fault him on at all). Walking this distance at a speed to keep up with my friend and classmate R really wasn't the easiest. And yes, my professor of History of Opera is the only one who has an office NOT in either the FoM or our extended Music Two building. I then spend close to an hour and a half getting notes for the exam tomorrow, which he really wants me to try to write tomorrow. We have worked out that if I am too tired/feeling too sick that I will just do the listening portion and can come back and do the short answer portion on another day. I think it will work out...and, knowing how hard it may be for me, it may mark it slightly easier anyway. But this is still another Wham.
But yikes...I do want my dad to be happy. But signing up at Christmas time when I'm in such a crazy place? Well...in the end, it is completely his decision, especially since I'm 21 and not a younger kid. Just that my brain zooms to crazy levels thinking about what it might be like if my dad remarried. How things might change. Not the easiest stuff to consider. Of course, one of the things that popped up as a positive is that I might gain an awesome 'mom-figure' and friend. But it's a LOT to think about, and not something that's easy to add on top of everything.
However, I know that whatever the result of this experience, God will figure out the right path.
Wham. I was not expecting that right now. Obviously, I want him to be happy but it was just one more thing from today that has been hitting hard.
I'm dealing with figuring everything out while still feeling quite fatigued and somewhat ill...I found out this morning that I've lost 6 pounds in the past few days. No wonder my jeans this morning were able to slide down without me unzipping them...I still woke up feeling sick, but managed to eat a piece of toast before going down to the university.
I run into one of my accompanists outside the performance hall on my way down to the student mailboxes. We chat a little bit, and she asks if I'd heard anything/spoken to my other main accompanist recently, which I hadn't, because she has been taking time off to take care of her husband, who was a professor at the faculty until this fall and has pancreatic cancer. She then mentions that he is now at R, which is a palliative care facility in my city. Wham again. I felt like crying, even though I don't really know him that well. Cancer hits me hard these days...
I end up having to walk across campus for the review, including up a couple of flights of stairs because only 2/5 of us in the class were able to come to it, and our professor felt it would be easiest out of his office (which I cannot fault him on at all). Walking this distance at a speed to keep up with my friend and classmate R really wasn't the easiest. And yes, my professor of History of Opera is the only one who has an office NOT in either the FoM or our extended Music Two building. I then spend close to an hour and a half getting notes for the exam tomorrow, which he really wants me to try to write tomorrow. We have worked out that if I am too tired/feeling too sick that I will just do the listening portion and can come back and do the short answer portion on another day. I think it will work out...and, knowing how hard it may be for me, it may mark it slightly easier anyway. But this is still another Wham.
But yikes...I do want my dad to be happy. But signing up at Christmas time when I'm in such a crazy place? Well...in the end, it is completely his decision, especially since I'm 21 and not a younger kid. Just that my brain zooms to crazy levels thinking about what it might be like if my dad remarried. How things might change. Not the easiest stuff to consider. Of course, one of the things that popped up as a positive is that I might gain an awesome 'mom-figure' and friend. But it's a LOT to think about, and not something that's easy to add on top of everything.
However, I know that whatever the result of this experience, God will figure out the right path.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Playing my flute!!!!!!
I was able to practice briefly tonight!!!!!! A sure sign that I am doing a bit better!!!!!!!! So happy!!!!!!
Beginning to improve
It's a weird thing that once you get your doctor's 'sickness certificate' you start to do a bit better. I'm still not fully right by any means, but I actually felt hungry at 12:30 or so today, despite waking up feeling sick (again). Still tired, but I haven't put my head down once since the bus ride. I'm going to attempt to put away my mountain of laundry soon, and then do some studying for my Opera History exam. I hope this trend continues!
Of course, all of this has taken a toll on me. My weight has dropped-this morning I realized that I had put my belt on the 8th set, when I always wear it on the 7th. I keep feeling my pelvic bones/hip bones and trying not to get addicted to this feeling. I am optimistic that everything will get sorted out at the appointment next week. Logic tells me that that might not be possible, but my love for what I do keeps me thinking that. I have faith that whatever happens, God is leading me down the right path.
My doctor has given me until after Christmas if I need it on the certificate. I am hoping that I can get things done before then, but if things need to take a bit longer, then I have that ability. Next semester, we'll see. I have been learning how to work around the extreme fatigue, and realizing that even if I know that I can get things done in a certain amount of time, that I cannot just leave things-I must take advantage of my energy and 'feeling good' times because I don't know when things might not be so great. So next semester, I will really work on that, no matter how much or how little I decide to take on. And even though it seemed like I was doing well on less sleep, I obviously cannot do that anymore.
Last night I came up with a list of things that I have already learned from this experience:
-I love being a student more then I ever thought I did. I will never take the ability to study for granted again.
-It's okay to let people know when you aren't feeling well/right. They actually might be really helpful and your safety-or that of your instruments!-might depend on it.
-B. is amazing. Period.
-Don't panic, but don't ignore things either. I left things a long time-had I gone in to see my doctor earlier I might have missed a class but I might have saved myself a lot of anxiety and exhaustion. Or I might not have. But it's worth a thought.
-Playing my flute is one of my favourite things, and I didn't realize how much it would hurt to not be able to properly.
-Teaching during an episode makes me misname the finger numbers for my Moonbeams One's "This is C" scale.
-I can do a surprisingly okay performance during the midst of an episode, but almost dropping my piccolo will certainly make my breathing worse.
-I can overdose on tea...
-Asking professors to work things out with you is hard, but not doing so would have been disastrous
- Just because you had an episode of tachycardia/breathing issues doesn't mean that you will be seen before a twisted ankle
-Hospital gowns go down to my ankles...
-Don't do too much research on the internet (and I thought I had already learned this one with my mom)
-My bed is the most amazing place to be, but I am glad for the internet and my cellphone connecting me to the outside world
-I hate having to force myself to eat, but there is no way to get energy besides eating.
Of course, all of this has taken a toll on me. My weight has dropped-this morning I realized that I had put my belt on the 8th set, when I always wear it on the 7th. I keep feeling my pelvic bones/hip bones and trying not to get addicted to this feeling. I am optimistic that everything will get sorted out at the appointment next week. Logic tells me that that might not be possible, but my love for what I do keeps me thinking that. I have faith that whatever happens, God is leading me down the right path.
My doctor has given me until after Christmas if I need it on the certificate. I am hoping that I can get things done before then, but if things need to take a bit longer, then I have that ability. Next semester, we'll see. I have been learning how to work around the extreme fatigue, and realizing that even if I know that I can get things done in a certain amount of time, that I cannot just leave things-I must take advantage of my energy and 'feeling good' times because I don't know when things might not be so great. So next semester, I will really work on that, no matter how much or how little I decide to take on. And even though it seemed like I was doing well on less sleep, I obviously cannot do that anymore.
Last night I came up with a list of things that I have already learned from this experience:
-I love being a student more then I ever thought I did. I will never take the ability to study for granted again.
-It's okay to let people know when you aren't feeling well/right. They actually might be really helpful and your safety-or that of your instruments!-might depend on it.
-B. is amazing. Period.
-Don't panic, but don't ignore things either. I left things a long time-had I gone in to see my doctor earlier I might have missed a class but I might have saved myself a lot of anxiety and exhaustion. Or I might not have. But it's worth a thought.
-Playing my flute is one of my favourite things, and I didn't realize how much it would hurt to not be able to properly.
-Teaching during an episode makes me misname the finger numbers for my Moonbeams One's "This is C" scale.
-I can do a surprisingly okay performance during the midst of an episode, but almost dropping my piccolo will certainly make my breathing worse.
-I can overdose on tea...
-Asking professors to work things out with you is hard, but not doing so would have been disastrous
- Just because you had an episode of tachycardia/breathing issues doesn't mean that you will be seen before a twisted ankle
-Hospital gowns go down to my ankles...
-Don't do too much research on the internet (and I thought I had already learned this one with my mom)
-My bed is the most amazing place to be, but I am glad for the internet and my cellphone connecting me to the outside world
-I hate having to force myself to eat, but there is no way to get energy besides eating.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Emailed my professors :(
I realized today that I had no choice but to email my professors and inform them of what was going on, and how I cannot possibly get everything done. It was one of the hardest things I've done in quite a while. Since wednesday evening, I have been exhausted, sleeping eleven or more hours each night, sleeping through alarms (I barely got up with enough time to have my Sunshine One class stuff ready on saturday morning), and having to take very frequent breaks even if I am lying down on my bed studying. Every five to ten minutes, really. And I'll have to shut my eyes for that same amount of time. It is very hard to be productive that way.
A little while ago I began to have, although not as crazy a heart beat, a faster/harder heart beat, and I just felt really funny and weak. I was also feeling somewhat nauseous. I was really wondering if I needed to have my dad drive me back to Urgent Care or one of the emergency rooms that I was told to go to if things got bad again. But, I figured that my potassium might be a bit low, so I decided that I would try to eat at least part of a banana and see if that would fix things, and it is helping.
I am very tired again, but I really need to finish this banana and have a bath or shower. I skipped yesterday and my hair is starting to feel a bit gross. Perhaps just getting those emails out of the way has helped everything calm down too.
A little while ago I began to have, although not as crazy a heart beat, a faster/harder heart beat, and I just felt really funny and weak. I was also feeling somewhat nauseous. I was really wondering if I needed to have my dad drive me back to Urgent Care or one of the emergency rooms that I was told to go to if things got bad again. But, I figured that my potassium might be a bit low, so I decided that I would try to eat at least part of a banana and see if that would fix things, and it is helping.
I am very tired again, but I really need to finish this banana and have a bath or shower. I skipped yesterday and my hair is starting to feel a bit gross. Perhaps just getting those emails out of the way has helped everything calm down too.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Don't read med stuff on the internet, it's too frightening.
Okay, so I shouldn't have googled "causes of high blood protein levels". None of the causes are good. Given that I do not have any infections (that I am aware of), the most basic one is off the table. It is exceedingly unlikely that I would have HIV or Hep.C (especially the first one), so those are not on the list. The other possible reason is inflammation. From what, you might ask? Well, here's what I got from a website...
Abnormal Proteins In Human Blood And Blood Plasma
What causes high levels of proteins in the blood?
There can be several causes for an abnormally high level of protein present in the blood. Proteins that reside in the blood are also commonly known as serum proteins. These are extremely important role players in the human body. The most important thing they do is keep your immune system up and running on a regular basis so that you do not contract any and every small and large thing your body may come in contact with. Serum proteins also help to regulate your cell function. Under most normal circumstances, the blood would contain small amounts of a vast variety of proteins. However, if these exceed the normal count of serum proteins that are supposed to be present in the body, there could be a number of problems associated with this find. The most basic thing you should know is that a high protein diet is not responsible for high levels of protein present in the blood. Although this is a pretty basic assumption, it is an erroneous one.
Information On Elevated Proteins In Blood
There could be a couple of grave reasons for a high blood protein count. One is the complete breakdown of the immune system. This commonly causes the levels of proteins in the blood to rise alarmingly. As a matter of fact, if this phenomenon is spotted, you will first be taken for a Hepatitis or an HIV test. These are the commonest diseases that manifest as excessive protein levels in the blood. The HIV test is taken to determine the presence of the human immuno deficiency virus in the human body, if you test positive for this one, you will be diagnosed as a patient of AIDS. This means that your immune system has broken down completely and totally. Although there are several drugs now available to keep your health in check, HIV will not allow your body to stop any infection bog or small from invading it. Another cause of this exalted protein level is also any type of chronic inflammation. This would also normally include unusual diseases such as rheumatism, rheumatic arthritis and so on. Sometimes, in rare cases, you will also find that disease related to the bone marrow will also lead to this particular reading. In such cases, a marrow transplant may sometimes be required. In any and all cases, it is inadvisable for you to make a diagnosis on your own. If your protein levels have been diagnosed as extremely high, you should not neglect this reading.
So, that is my not so good research for tonight. I think I will make some red tea and go to bed. I am still exceedingly thirsty...
Adventure...not
This is the first time that I have ever thought that all these years of struggling with ED-NOS may have caught up with me. Since November 15th, I have had, off and on, episodes of breathlessness. When this happens, I feel like I just can't take a deep enough breath, which is frustrating for a flautist. These in turn have led to some incidences of increased heart rate/blood pressure. One of these episodes began today at around 5:15 or 5:20 when I was waiting for my friend K's recital to start (one I was really looking forward to). It wasn't too bad during the recital, although I occasionally repositioned myself so that my lungs had more space (slouching down makes it worse). But, it didn't feel all that bad at the time. After the (short) recital, we all traipsed across campus to the place where we rehearse for orchestra (the Mahler and Wagner the orchestra is doing next semester requires four flutes, and I was next in line-really happy to be part of it!). Well, after not even that long into the Wagner-overture to Die Meistersinger-the breathing issues have gotten worse, and then my heart started going crazy. After only about half an hour in, my heart suddenly went into a crazy pounding tachycardia and my hands went completely strange-I couldn't feel them, all I could feel was tingling, but not the 'asleep' tingling. I had to look at my hands to tell that they were moving. My friends sitting beside me noticed that something was wrong and helped took my piccolo and flute from my hands (I had been playing piccolo) so that I wouldn't drop them (thank you thank you thank you L!!!!). Our substitute conductor-who happens to be my normal wind ensemble conductor noticed that something was up, and asked if my instrument was sick. No, it was me that was having issues, not my piccolo. I all of a sudden then had my friend D, who is a lifeguard, taking my pulse and checking my hands, which were white except for the purple nailbeds and shaking like crazy, my conductor over there and my friend B coming over as well! I felt somewhat embarrassed, but glad that I wasn't alone there. B walked me down to the washroom and helped me get my hands back to normal and tried to get me to do some slow and controlled breathing but it wasn't quite working, even walking the halls slowly for a minute or two. When this started, my conductor asked me if I wanted someone to drive me to the hospital, as the brass were just about getting ready to leave. I wanted to see if things would go back to normal quickly, but they weren't. I was still unsure what to do, mostly for fear of worrying my dad lol. B decided that she was going to take the bus with me (it's more than an hour to my house), no matter what I decided to do. As we were walking over, we mutually decided it would be good to get checked out, especially as this had been going on for some time. So, we took the bus to the Urgent Care centre. That is actually my first time going there besides to see someone in the long-term care upstairs earlier this year ( he was 94 and the father of a good family friend of ours-I had made him a prayer shawl). Once there, she helped me get all checked in, and stayed with me until my dad got there. She lives very close to the Urgent Care Centre so it wasn't a problem. I'm so glad that this happened when my WE conductor was conducting and not when the usual orchestra conductor was conducting, because while I would have been able to leave (although perhaps with a frown...), B definitely wouldn't have been able to. I was very glad to have someone, especially on the bus, because I was feeling quite a bit strange still, although not nearly as tachycardic, thankfully. And my hands were back to normal.
Well. Turns out that even trouble breathing and tachycardia are not more serious than twisted ankles. I got checked in just after 8:30, and didn't get taken down to be seen by the doctor until after midnight. I was one of the last ones to get checked out, far behind the twisted ankles and what appeared to be a sore throat. Who knows though, I do not know their stories, there could have been more to it. It just seemed a bit odd to me! Anyways, because of what I had listed, the first thing the nurse did when checking me in the room was listen to my lungs, which were fine (thankfully). The doctor then came in, and did the usual stethoscope on the chest...only it wasn't so usual. In all the other check-ups I have had, the stethoscope has moved quite a bit, relatively quickly. This time, he had the stethoscope in the same place for quite some time, and I knew something was up. As I already knew, my heart rate was elevated, but what I was unaware of was that he was hearing a heart murmur. I have never previously been told that I have a heart murmur, so this is something new. Having heard the heart murmur, a whole other serious of tests then began, beginning with an EKG (which was much less hard then I had feared, I was allowed to keep my sweater on and really my main embarrassment was in my lack of shaved legs...hello, it's winter in Canada...), then bloodwork, which was not so easy. The nurse really cut off the circulation in my arm so I did not even feel the needle going in, and it took a while, so my left hand was really beginning to hurt from lack of circulation! It's the first time I've ever had blood drawn while lying down, so that was an experience as well-I like to see things, and I couldn't really this time. Then, I had to wait for sometime before going up to get a chest x-ray. Then more waiting, and more waiting. I had taken my 20th century textbook back with me and throughout read up on Charles Ives, Henry Cowell, Harry Partch, Edgard Varese, and Stravinsky.
In the end, the things that were wrong, and had possibly caused the episode (s) were the heart murmur, and the low-ish potassium that they found on the blood work. My iron was okay, which really surprised me, and my sodium level was all right. The doctor told me to eat bananas, which I have been doing this week. I have two referrals that have been sent off, one for an echocardiogram, and the other for internal medicine. If there is a reason for the heart murmur, it is likely caused by something with one or more valves in my heart. The most likely of these (although he did not say so) is mitral valve prolapse...which some estimates say up to 30% of people with eating disorders have. Mitral valve prolapse is generally a benign condition but can cause BREATHLESSNESS. Go figure. My hope is that these referrals can be taken care of during my break, but I'm not holding my breath (that was difficult enough for the x-ray). And after five hours in urgent care after a scary episode, what can I say when I give bad puns?
My blood protein levels were also high, which is strange, especially for this vegetarian who has been a 'carbovore' the past week or so. Not sure where that is going to lead.
The dr mentioned that the hand tingling could be Raynaud's syndrome, but after doing a little more research, I don't think it's that likely-for one thing, my hands aren't that sensitive to the cold, and they did not exhibit the typical red flushing and pins-needles tingling afterwards. I think the hands tingling was directly related to the other issues and am in some ways grateful for this turn of events, as it forced me-in the presence of others as a further incentive! (plus safety)-to get checked out.
The hardest part of tonight actually was the fact that the urgent care centre-several kilometres away from the hospital right by my house-in the exam rooms-smells exactly the same, and I was immediately drawn back to my mom's last emergency room admission, on September 30th last year. Smells are a very powerful trigger for things.
And now, I really must go to bed. I have my teacher visitation tomorrow and am also going out to see my friend N, who is being re-admitted to the ward for her eating disorder. My heart really, really hurts for her. She actually was in the ER today for low potassium...yikes...
Well. Turns out that even trouble breathing and tachycardia are not more serious than twisted ankles. I got checked in just after 8:30, and didn't get taken down to be seen by the doctor until after midnight. I was one of the last ones to get checked out, far behind the twisted ankles and what appeared to be a sore throat. Who knows though, I do not know their stories, there could have been more to it. It just seemed a bit odd to me! Anyways, because of what I had listed, the first thing the nurse did when checking me in the room was listen to my lungs, which were fine (thankfully). The doctor then came in, and did the usual stethoscope on the chest...only it wasn't so usual. In all the other check-ups I have had, the stethoscope has moved quite a bit, relatively quickly. This time, he had the stethoscope in the same place for quite some time, and I knew something was up. As I already knew, my heart rate was elevated, but what I was unaware of was that he was hearing a heart murmur. I have never previously been told that I have a heart murmur, so this is something new. Having heard the heart murmur, a whole other serious of tests then began, beginning with an EKG (which was much less hard then I had feared, I was allowed to keep my sweater on and really my main embarrassment was in my lack of shaved legs...hello, it's winter in Canada...), then bloodwork, which was not so easy. The nurse really cut off the circulation in my arm so I did not even feel the needle going in, and it took a while, so my left hand was really beginning to hurt from lack of circulation! It's the first time I've ever had blood drawn while lying down, so that was an experience as well-I like to see things, and I couldn't really this time. Then, I had to wait for sometime before going up to get a chest x-ray. Then more waiting, and more waiting. I had taken my 20th century textbook back with me and throughout read up on Charles Ives, Henry Cowell, Harry Partch, Edgard Varese, and Stravinsky.
In the end, the things that were wrong, and had possibly caused the episode (s) were the heart murmur, and the low-ish potassium that they found on the blood work. My iron was okay, which really surprised me, and my sodium level was all right. The doctor told me to eat bananas, which I have been doing this week. I have two referrals that have been sent off, one for an echocardiogram, and the other for internal medicine. If there is a reason for the heart murmur, it is likely caused by something with one or more valves in my heart. The most likely of these (although he did not say so) is mitral valve prolapse...which some estimates say up to 30% of people with eating disorders have. Mitral valve prolapse is generally a benign condition but can cause BREATHLESSNESS. Go figure. My hope is that these referrals can be taken care of during my break, but I'm not holding my breath (that was difficult enough for the x-ray). And after five hours in urgent care after a scary episode, what can I say when I give bad puns?
My blood protein levels were also high, which is strange, especially for this vegetarian who has been a 'carbovore' the past week or so. Not sure where that is going to lead.
The dr mentioned that the hand tingling could be Raynaud's syndrome, but after doing a little more research, I don't think it's that likely-for one thing, my hands aren't that sensitive to the cold, and they did not exhibit the typical red flushing and pins-needles tingling afterwards. I think the hands tingling was directly related to the other issues and am in some ways grateful for this turn of events, as it forced me-in the presence of others as a further incentive! (plus safety)-to get checked out.
The hardest part of tonight actually was the fact that the urgent care centre-several kilometres away from the hospital right by my house-in the exam rooms-smells exactly the same, and I was immediately drawn back to my mom's last emergency room admission, on September 30th last year. Smells are a very powerful trigger for things.
And now, I really must go to bed. I have my teacher visitation tomorrow and am also going out to see my friend N, who is being re-admitted to the ward for her eating disorder. My heart really, really hurts for her. She actually was in the ER today for low potassium...yikes...
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
What got me was the 'married to my religion' bit. And the addicted bit. Yes, I figured that I would probably get some support for my message, and some 'crazy talk' bits, but it was the way Cassivellia basically did not read my answers and called my reasons for holding off "weak" that both annoyed me and made me laugh. AND the part that she did not read where I said I was considering dating, but that I would see where things went.
My main idea in all of this was that it has to be when I feel ready for things. That's only just started to happen, for various reasons that any reader of my blog will know.
One poster was correct in saying that I would be offended if someone thought I was having sex...and brought that out in the open. Especially if they really did know me, because I am decently open about what I believe. Whatever. What amuses me is that I cannot stop writing in an essay style format with proper grammer. Ah, the life of a university student.
They were also wrong on the point that they felt I believed that a woman can't be busy and have a relationship. I definitely do NOT believe that! Far from it, as many of the most successful relationships I know of are among very busy people. I just feel that given everything going on, I wouldn't have been able to give the support to someone that they need. In any relationship, I want to be an equal member, giving, not just taking. That is a very important aspect of a relationship to me, and with if I feel I can't give enough of myself, then I may hold back from entering further into a relationship. To me, that is protection both of them, and me.
In the end, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I just needed to express mine. General statements generally make me question their validity, this was no different.
My main idea in all of this was that it has to be when I feel ready for things. That's only just started to happen, for various reasons that any reader of my blog will know.
One poster was correct in saying that I would be offended if someone thought I was having sex...and brought that out in the open. Especially if they really did know me, because I am decently open about what I believe. Whatever. What amuses me is that I cannot stop writing in an essay style format with proper grammer. Ah, the life of a university student.
They were also wrong on the point that they felt I believed that a woman can't be busy and have a relationship. I definitely do NOT believe that! Far from it, as many of the most successful relationships I know of are among very busy people. I just feel that given everything going on, I wouldn't have been able to give the support to someone that they need. In any relationship, I want to be an equal member, giving, not just taking. That is a very important aspect of a relationship to me, and with if I feel I can't give enough of myself, then I may hold back from entering further into a relationship. To me, that is protection both of them, and me.
In the end, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I just needed to express mine. General statements generally make me question their validity, this was no different.
From the website...
From someone titled Cassavelia (something like that)
While I can appreciate the value you place on virginity, sex is part of a normal functioning human.
It's simply not healthy to reach past the age of majority without having some sort of physical interaction with the gender to which you are attracted.
I mean no offense, but perhaps you may wish to seek help in evaluating your sex life.
(My comments...really?)
I think it is really sad that all of you are saying that she is wrong for not having a sexual relationship. So are you telling your kids (if you have any), you better go out and sleep with someone because if you don't there must be something wrong with you and you will need professional help
- 6
- !
I'm not offended by her post, but I am concerned for her well-being.
Such behaviour is not normal, at least outside of the constrictive social standards of, say, Saudi Arabia.
Mike,
I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about plain old physical contact with someone.
Human babies die if they are not touched.
It is completely normal and healthy for people to hold hands, hug, and kiss one another. All are also very acceptable in our society, especially after age 16 or so.
I'm not talking about intercourse. Just friendly, rather chaste, physical contact.Mike-3071514
@Cassivella : I don't know about you but this statement is not about holding hands:
"I mean no offense, but perhaps you may wish to seek help in evaluating your sex life"
- 2
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Mike,
Sex life involves a lot more than simply intercourse.
It's cuddling, feeding each other spaghetti, loaning a jacket, sharing a chap-stick, holding hands, hugging, kissing, biting, licking, etc.
There is a multitude of ways to express intimacy.
It isn't normal in American culture to not have some sort of sex life, especially once you reach college.
Most American girls have at least held hands with a boy. I think I did that in 4th grade.
Heck, I think something like 40% of girls have had intercourse before they are 16.
It's completely respectable and fine to wait until you are married for intercourse. I did it. I'm making no judgement calls here.
However, it simply is not healthy to disassociate yourself so much from the gender to which you are attracted that you have had no physical contact with them whatsoever.Eric 97
Half your friends are lying and the other half are using the Clinton definition of virgin...
- 5
- !
Comment collapsed by the communityIf more people were virgins, the pool of possible donors would rise. I think her complaint was valid, and while maybe not directly on point, it does go onto a valid tangent. Yes, total abstinence and chastity are extreme for her age, but I applaud her and her friends. I advised my own kids to not worry about dating until after college: all relationships take time and money and effort, and all of those should be going to education and building a future; once you get out of college and get a good job, then you can look for a mate. Until then, have friends of the opposite sex, or non serious dating relationships.
Anyhow, more virgins would make for a much larger donor pool; and with all the STD and other diseases out there, anyone single with more than two sexual partners per year is living dangerously. And, finally: they are not saying you cannot donate, they are just saying the recipient should be warned and given an option. Some of the extremist here say that in a life or death situation everyone would take a riskier organ, and I agree; but how many recipients actually only have hours to live and HAVE to take any organ that comes available? If they have the luxery of time, maybe some would rather not take an increased risk, and would appreciate knowing more information before they move forward.
- 4
- !
I was also rather annoyed by the assumption that all college students are promiscuous. I didn't know that many virgins, but there were lots of girls I knew who only were intimate with long-term boyfriends and many of these couples did wind up eventually marrying. There's a lot of middle ground between virgin and slut.
- 4
- !
"Virginity at that age is unnatural."
Really? In what medical journal might this be cited? Making an inane comment like this as a "purported professional" speaks to your wisdom, not hers. Time to change your faux-name, poser.
- 3
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Such behaviour is not normal, at least outside of the constrictive social standards of, say, Saudi Arabia.Virginity at that age is unnatural.
That's ridiculous. You people are insane. Sex is a bodily function... It's not a need. No one drops dead for lack of sex. Get your head of of your porn.
Lot's of people, sometimes out of choice, sometimes because they're physically unable, never have sex their entire lives.
- 5
- !
Everyone can be as offended as they want, but the reality is that many college students are sexually active and I would wager that a lot of them are with more than one partner per year. Yes, there is a LOT of ground between being a virgin or a slut. I do not think that someone who has two partners in the span of 12 months is a slut or a manwhore or whatever derogatory description people come up with...
Let's say a high school student is with her boy friend for four years and they have sex after graduation. They move on to college and break up in the first month. Three months later, he meets a great girl. She meets a great guy. They wait 7 months to sleep together. BAM that's two in one year.
Is it virginal behavior? Of course not. But it's not sinister either. This scenario is actually far more responsible than most I have ever heard of. Anyone who doesn't think so needs to get real with themselves. Just because you may not be doing it, doesn't mean it's not happening in the real world. And it doesn't mean that those that are having sex are worthy of scarlet letter.
- 2
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journal,
You aren't reading the posts. And you are squishing two commentators' posts together into one quote.
By American standards, it IS abnormal to be college-aged and to not have had physical contact with someone of a gender to which you are attracted.
This is as simple as holding hands or hugging. Few people make it to age 20 without having done these simple acts.
This isn't a judgement statement. It is simply a fact.
People do die from lack of contact. Infants will fail to thrive and die if they are deprived of physical contact.
Once again, we are not talking about intercourse. We are talking about intimate physical touching such as holding hands, hugging, and kissing - things that would make for a rather poor porn movie.
Perhaps you should try to read the posts before you decide to attack people.
- 3
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What about kissing? Why do people HAVE to touch others of the opposite sex (or the same sex if they're homosexual) in order to be normal. Love can come from other places. She's probably not deprived of "physical contact" like some poor baby on a prison floor. I'm sure she has friends and family.
Love is necessary, sex is not. Love and physical contact does not have to come from potential a sexual partner to be beneficial.
End of story.
- 2
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journal
We aren't talking about "potential sexual partners".
I'm simply talking about how it is normal for a 20 year old woman to hold hands, hug, or kiss someone she is dating, whereas statistically it is abnormal in our culture for that same woman to never have held hands, hugged, or kissed someone she is dating.
Humans express love physically. Not just sexual love, but platonic friendship - hugs, pats on the back, pats on the arms.
Touching feels good because we need it, and we need it because it feels good.
- 1
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Statistically it may be "abnormal" but it isn't unheard of. I was also rather annoyed by that statement that every college student would be considered high-risk: I'm in college, a virgin, and I plan to keep it that way. I do have religious reasons for doing so, but beyond that, I've seen what promiscuity can do to a person in terms of their ability to maintain long term, healthy relationships. I've also seen what abstinence can do, which is promote them. I'm not saying that you MUST be abstinent in order to maintain a healthy marriage later in life...but my experience is that it helps tremendously. Plus there are plenty of health and social reasons for it...I'm not going to take ANY sort of chance of starting a family before I am ready to do so, especially not for the cheap thrill of a one-night stand.
That being said, I still think that Cassivella would consider me "abnormal" simply because I did not date in high school. I had a middle school "boyfriend" of the sitting-together-at-lunch variety...never kissed him, held hands ONCE. Fast forward five years...graduated from high school having not dated at all, but with plenty of close guy friends. I cherished my guy friends because I had absolved myself of the pressure to get into a relationship with one of them, so I could just hang out without any awkward tensions. I was better friends with guys than I was girls - not as much cattiness, and because I wasn't high-pressure or high-maintenance, they felt safe around me so they would actually talk to me. That being said, my best friend junior and senior year was a guy whom I'd known since middle school who shared a ton of interests and activities with me. He did ask me to prom and we went "as friends", but we were close enough by then that it wasn't weird at all when he asked me out during the summer and kissed me. We dated for a couple months, then he moved across the country for college. We're still best friends, but he's dating someone else.
Go ahead and call me abnormal for not chasing guys...I'd like a relationship as much as the next girl, but unlike the majority of the female teenage population of this nation, I am not going to make getting a guy my be-all-end-all in order to define myself. I respect myself too much for that, and I wish others would realize the same, for their sakes.
That being said, I still think that Cassivella would consider me "abnormal" simply because I did not date in high school. I had a middle school "boyfriend" of the sitting-together-at-lunch variety...never kissed him, held hands ONCE. Fast forward five years...graduated from high school having not dated at all, but with plenty of close guy friends. I cherished my guy friends because I had absolved myself of the pressure to get into a relationship with one of them, so I could just hang out without any awkward tensions. I was better friends with guys than I was girls - not as much cattiness, and because I wasn't high-pressure or high-maintenance, they felt safe around me so they would actually talk to me. That being said, my best friend junior and senior year was a guy whom I'd known since middle school who shared a ton of interests and activities with me. He did ask me to prom and we went "as friends", but we were close enough by then that it wasn't weird at all when he asked me out during the summer and kissed me. We dated for a couple months, then he moved across the country for college. We're still best friends, but he's dating someone else.
Go ahead and call me abnormal for not chasing guys...I'd like a relationship as much as the next girl, but unlike the majority of the female teenage population of this nation, I am not going to make getting a guy my be-all-end-all in order to define myself. I respect myself too much for that, and I wish others would realize the same, for their sakes.
Oh, and I fully expected to make it to college without kissing a boy or doing any more than that one hand-hold from middle school. It's probably a lot less "abnormal" than you think.
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RJH
You are certainly taking my comments to the extreme.
I simply said it was abnormal for someone to be in college without ever touching someone of the opposite sex, as musicgirl asserts.
You have done so. You have held hands. You have probably danced at the prom. You have had a kiss.
I am not sure why you would think your situation would apply. You are chasing a logical fallacy.
You all are obviously getting yourselves all upset and not actually reading what I am posting.
For the 50th time, I am not talking about sexual intercourse.
I am talking about simple physical touch.
It is abnormal to make it to college without physically touching someone you have dated.
Most people, even blind dates, will hold hands, touch an arm, or even hug at the end of a date.
RJH, I bet you even hugged one of your guy friends at some point.
So, please actually read the words I type instead of deciding to read into and between the words.
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I'd like to clarify a few things...I have never been on a date. For one thing, I was not allowed to in high school. PLUS, I was way too busy prepping at my really tough high school to maintain my 95% average, practicing two instruments daily for my university audition, jazz band, worship team, volunteering, youth symphony orchestra...
I have numerous guy friends, and I have given some of them hugs. I'm not counting this at all, because it was platonic on BOTH sides. I have not had a 'romantic' relationship at all, mostly because of two reasons: ONE, I am incredibly busy, and TWO, the guys at my faculty are either TAKEN, INCREDIBLY STRANGE (although nice...) or gay. My faculty is very small, so it's not hard to see how this could happen.
Do I sometimes want to have a relationship (not sexual...again, that is part of my beliefs for numerous reasons, not just my Christian beliefs, but because I believe it is healthiest on ALL levels)? Yes, definitely, especially when I see my friends getting engaged or married. Do I feel like my life is incomplete right now because I'm not in a relationship and have never been in one? NOT AT ALL! Do I feel that I could live my life without this ever happening? Yes, I believe that I could be complete even if I never get married. There is so much more to life than marriage.
Sexual activity is not a need, it is a desire. I believe it can be a healthy thing in the correct setting, but we are living in an over-sexualized society and it repulses me. It's one reason I basically do not watch tv (besides the fact that I am too busy!!!!)
There is nothing wrong with me for not having been in a relationship. I hug my friends, get hugs from the students I teach, get the occasional shoulder rub from a friend or colleague, etc. Yes, we humans need touch, but it does not have to be sexual in any nature!
I would also like to add that one reason I have not done any pursuit of a relationship is simply that I felt I had too much to work through to put that on someone. My mom was diagnosed with cancer at this time two years ago, and for a year I watched her struggle through three different chemotherapy protocols that all failed, surgery that failed, blood clots, intestinal obstruction, kidney failure, a collapsed lung due to fluid, and finally death in November of 2010. I wasn't about to start a relationship then, I was too fragile. It's only recently that I've really felt that that might even be a possibility.
Plenty of my friends have never been on a date either, and not all of them even follow my Christian beliefs. Some of them are Christian, some are Jewish, some are agnostic, some are atheist, one is buddhist I believe. Young people in university/college from all walks of life are waiting for various reasons. This is not a black and white subject.
I might add that I don't really dance. Lol. For one thing, I'm horrible at it, and I went to a mennonite high school/junior high, so we didn't have dances. The ones that were around in my grade six middle school were too noisy for me, so I would read in the library.
I don't think there is anything wrong with me. I get hugs everyday, and will continue to do so, whether or not I am ever in a relationship. I am secure with who I am, and I believe that things will figure themselves out...if I am meant to meet someone, or pursue other options, it will become clear. For now, I'm happy being the crazy-busy fourth year music student and teacher that I am.
My university is in Canada, which I believe has a slightly lower rate of young people being sexually active. Not much, but I think about 5-10%. All studies, however, show that young people are waiting longer to become active, which I do support.
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I would suggest that you double check that what you are feeling is actually you feeling this, and not what your elders/teachers/clergy expect you to feel.
BTW - It's completely possible to date and have a full social life with the activities you described.
I was involved in many of the same (although the idea of a worship "team" is rather disturbing), along with other - yet I still had time to engage my social needs.
I graduated with a 4.0 and received a full-ride scholarship plus living stipend to one of the world's largest universities, where I also maintained a 4.0 and went on to eventually get a doctorate.
So don't look at dating as something you have to trade in in order to be successful. Intimate activity, whether it is hand holding or sexual intercourse, is something that is part of life, not something that is a distraction.
Just make sure that it is you that is making this decision, and not your clergy or parents. If you are an adult, you can make these choices yourself.
If you choose to live in this manner, I will still say I disagree as I believe the religion in which you were raised has a poor and unhealthy view of women in general, but especially women's sexuality, in all the myriad ways it is expressed.
However, it is certainly your choice, and no one else's choice.
I'm sorry to hear of your mother's passing, and I do wish you well.
I don't intend any judgement against you, I just simply worry, even about strangers, when something like this is presented (although your further information does make your relationships more "normal" looking).
So, regardless of our differences of opinions, I do wish you well.
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I'd like to clarify a few things...I have never been on a date. For one thing, I was not allowed to in high school. PLUS, I was way too busy prepping at my really tough high school to maintain my 95% average, practicing two instruments daily for my university audition, jazz band, worship team, volunteering, youth symphony orchestra...
In other words...you aren't a virgin by choice.
Perhaps that's a little bit of a joke there, but seriously this story isn't about YOU. Nobody really cares. By your outrage you are suggesting that your choice is somehow superior. It is not. Sex is not dirty. It's a natural function. No other species of animal on this planet celebrates "virginity". You would likely be chased away and thought of as odd.
Kindly get over yourself.
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Thank you MarineDoc. A little harsh, but I was thinking the same thing.
Listen, I'm sorry about what happened to your Mom. That's a terrible thing and my heart goes out to you for your struggles.
But, posting your many accomplishments is a little much. We get that your busy, but everyone is busy. All woman should know that you can have a healthy relationship and still be successful. If your significant other doesn't like that, then find a new one. I've broken up with two major boyfriends because, when push came to shove, they had issues with my work commitments and I don't regret it. Now, I feel luck because I think I finally found the right one for me.
MusicGirl, just for the record, I went to college prep boarding school for high school, then a prestigious university. I graduated college cum laude in 3.5 years, despite the fact that I worked nights, joined a sorority, had a boyfriend, volunteered frequently, entered photography contests, took some extra classes for fun and *gasp* even went to parties and had a social life. I secured a job a couple of weeks after I graduated and worked my way up the ranks in the media industry in Manhattan before moving on to run my own department at the company I am at now.
Girls, you can have a life and still be successful.
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Hardly, I am 4'9 and 82 pounds. It IS my choice, on everything. I have friends, go to parties that I WANT to, but I don't drink or do anything like that. I do have a life...for me, my life is being at my faculty, spending time with my friends there or outside doing our music activities, teaching, taking care of things at home, etc, etc.
Yes, I do plan on holding off on sex until marriage IF I ever chose to get married, which I might not. That is MY choice, not one that is REQUIRED of me. My church actually has had very little to say on the matter, and my parents besides the non-dating have basically NEVER talked about sexual activity. My decisions were my own.
I am not offended by the choices of my friends that have chosen to engage in sexual activity, it is just that, their choice. My only offense at all with the article was the general statement that ALL college-age students would have to be declared promiscuous. Because that is not the case.
I like my life. A lot, actually. I have numerous friends that I can trust and love to hang out with, I LOVE LOVE LOVE my studies at the university and my teaching career, I enjoy good books, knitting, running, sewing, cooking, volunteering, etc etc...I just think that in all of this, until now, I have not ever even felt ready to date, due to either life circumstances or sheer busyness. If I date, I want to be able to give the proper amount of time to that person. I couldn't do that in high school for one thing, and I didn't feel it was the right time when my family was struggling so much. For me, not dating has been the best decision. I have seen too many young people, especially before 18 or 19 (high school) get VERY involved with someone, only to have it break off reaaaaaaallly miserably, and have them suffering for a long time. I never saw the need to submit myself to that, and I know that that was one of the main reasons my parents didn't want either myself or my sister dating in high school. They wanted us to be able to focus our time on our friends, our studies and our other activities such as my sister's gymnastics or my flute studies.
I do take offence at the statements that I am not thinking from my own mind (I am, and always have), or that I am 'fugly'. Just because a young woman is single and is happy that way does not mean that she is either unattractive or confined by others. I might wear glasses, but that's about all all. I've definitely had compliments in the past, and even a couple of guys who wanted to go out with me, including, I might add, one now, that I have agreed to go out to coffee with. I'm not calling it a date, as I barely know him, but who knows? It could develop into something.
If others believe in freedom for their sexual actions, then I believe in my freedom to not be sexually active and to be single for as long as I feel is right for me.
As I've said many a time, I do not feel anything is wrong with me, and I like who I am. Every time I teach, or perform, or am there for someone, I really feel like that is part of who I am. And isn't liking who you are and being confident in yourself the most important thing for mental and emotional health anyways?
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My personal opinion is that you are mistaking the unnatural high you get out of your addiction to religion for having a happy life.
But, that is also your choice to continue to submit.
You have too many poor excuses as to why you do not pursue romantic relationships. You have a rather backward view of what a female should be able to accomplish. You don't seem to believe that a female is capable of handling a boyfriend/husband/family along with work or school commitments.
Your views are not normal by American (either US or Canadian) standards, so when you expressive your opinion so loudly, you should expect to receive some flak.
But, it is your life.
If you chose to be married to your religion as opposed to a real human being, I can only feel sorry for you.
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