Stats of 2012

Happy stats...the stats of things made!

16 prayer shawls. Definitely my biggest prayer shawl output, and puts the total number I have made at 51.
7 baby blankets for project linus.
2 baby blankets for friends.
6 scarves
4 pairs of mittens
1 hat
2 draft stopper snakes (made from odds and ends of yarn).

Happy stats.

Especially when compared to the unhappy stats I am privy to in following things such as the childhood cancer world, the pediatric heart world, and the world of adoption.

This morning's email brought the sad news that Alyssa Divers' battle with osteogenic sarcoma was over, and that Ethan Hallmark has relapsed again with neuroblastoma. Ariel Gariano and Lily Anderson recently finished their battles after years of rhabdomyosarcoma and neuroblastoma...two words that are so atrocious that my computer's spellcheck doesn't even accept them until I teach it that they are, unfortunately, part of the english language. The adoption ban for USA parents to adopt children from Russia may soon take effect...

Sometimes, in the midst of this, you really think that perhaps it would have been better to have had the Mayans or Harold Camping be right. But then I remember that God has set us here for a purpose. We were never promised an easy life, only that we would not be alone in our walk, no matter how difficult it became, and that we all have a purpose. Words to remember. Live each moment to have a purpose...sometimes, that purpose will be to just relax and do nothing and thereby take care of yourself...sometimes that purpose will be to help others, sometimes that purpose will be to take care of God's creation. Obviously, it's hard to live each moment with purpose, but I really think it comes down to living meaningfully instead of rambling and idling through life as if someone else is driving. This is our life.

Been having a bit of a hard time today, just processing everything. The more I read about Mosaic Turner's Syndrome the more just about everything seems to fit. I read one professional article today that even stated that eating disorders, having more difficulty making friends, leaving home later, having more problems getting into relationships with guys...can be related to Turner's. For goodness sakes, I even found out that my choice of job occupations so far-working in the daycares, teaching my kids...are really common choices among women with Turner's (of various levels).

Reading about Mosaic Turner's Syndrome basically explained ME. I'm not sure whether to pray that I have it and then everything would be explained, or whether to pray that I don't have it and still have questions.

Right now I have things to be grateful for even if I do have Mosaic Turner's Syndrome...I have at least some of my well, characteristics so there is hope that I would have at least some chance of fertility.

I finished my paper on thursday, but perhaps it would have been easier to still have it to work on...distractions and all.

I haven't told my dad yet about this possibility (or my sister for that matter). Neither one of them actually knew that I was at the geneticist on thursday. Actually, very few people did...my friends K and B I have let know about the possibility of this, and my doctor knew that I was going to be seeing the geneticist. But that's it. Because this deals with my reproductive system...well...that's not exactly the easiest thing to talk about with people. Like my dad. And I have 2-3 months to wait to find out.

Heartaches and joy (or perhaps merely relief)

Amidst my processing of the genetics appointment today, I received an email from one of my fellow teachers, informing me of everyone's worst nightmare: earlier this month, one of her students was killed in a car accident...on his way to his lesson. The reason she sent me the message-besides probably needing to process a bit-is that she wanted to be sure I knew about the possible risks of a small person sitting in the front seat of a car, because (although she hasn't heard for certain, she is pretty sure it is this way) it appears that her student was killed by the airbags in the front passenger seat. He was seven years old, and one of her Sunbeams Two students.

Processing the possibility that I may have a syndrome that will prevent me from having children, and processing this bit of information about a fellow teacher...well...it was hard. Especially in combination I guess. And the way that the email singled me out as being small, when I'd just spent an examination trying to figure out if there was a reason why I was small!

All of this meant that I didn't finish my paper for History of Music in Canada as early as I wanted to, but it is finished, and emailed off to my professor. First semester is now finished...

One semester until I graduate. Freaky.

Mosaic Turner Syndrome

My genetics appointment today brought about two equally unsettling findings/possibilities. The first is the possibility that I have something called Mosaic Turner Syndrome...which would actually explain just about everything under the sun with me from my height to my bicuspid aortic valve, to my fingers (oddly enough), my ankles and knees (which are slightly 'strange'), to a mildly increased degree of pigment marks on my skin,  to my more pointy/heart shaped face and young looking face, to the irregularities with some aspects of being female...

Mosaic Turner syndrome is when some of a female's cells do not contain two X chromosomes. This can naturally lead to problems that manifest themselves differently in each person. If I do have Mosaic Turner syndrome, I will likely be a mild case, given that I do have my sexual characteristics and although problematic, I do at least have a functioning uterus.

The bad news is that even if I do have a mild case, I am likely to not be able to have children of my own. I won't know the results of the blood tests for some time (up to about 4 months), which means that a graduation 'present' could be finding out that I cannot have children of my own.

The other slightly disturbing finding is that my blood pressure-especially the bottom number-has continued to trend upwards. My blood pressure was actually 112 over 86. Now, the top systolic number is pretty much exactly where you would want to see it. However, the bottom number is well into what is considered pre-hypertension, and pretty close to hypertension. The diastolic number is particularly important to look at when  there is any sort of valve disregulation occurring.

Again and again, every symptom-including this diastolic number-points towards my aortic valve, however small the disregulation is, affecting me! Sigh.

Just not feeling it...

It being whatever-it-is one is supposed to feel this time of year. Listening to christmas music, and in particular singing christmas music at church hurts. Trying to focus on the 'celebration of the birth of Jesus' part of things, which is a bit of a help, I guess, but everything else seems to get in the way-even the fact that this time of year was likely NOT the birth of Jesus. Oh education, how you can destroy some things at times.

This is the third year, things are supposed to get easier...or are they. Maybe next year, when I do not have school stress added in as well.

Back to writing a paper on French-Canadian Folk Songs.

In loving memory of Ana Grace Marquez-Greene

Connecticut Shooting

Like everyone who read the news, wherever they were-be it in the United States, here in the frozen prairies of Canada, in France as my friend M. is at the moment, in Oxford as my friend N is right now...I was utterly shocked, and upon reading the news article started crying.

It turned worse tonight...I found out that the six-year-old daughter of a former jazz instructor at my school of music-a very nice gentleman who I knew by name and sight and who always had a smile, positive word or compliment for everyone-was among the children killed today. His son was not injured. Upon hearing the news my feelings changed even more greatly.

And then a different awareness came over me...the fact that even if I did NOT know personally anyone who was affected that I should feel just as affected. Things like what happened today are just NOT acceptable, in ANY way. I don't know the whole story obviously, I doubt anyone does yet and we perhaps may never know the complete story...but to me it speaks on a number of different areas. Gun control and better action against violence for sure, but also in how we help those with mental illness (which I believe it has been mentioned the killer had).

That's all for tonight...

Last year vs. This year

Last year at this exact time, I was on a bus to the Urgent Care centre to finally start taking care of myself. This year, I am happily about to print up my lesson plans and prepare my studio for tomorrow, perhaps pick up my flute and do some practising, maybe read a little bit of my history textbooks.

Last year...I was about to enter one of the most difficult months in my life. I pulled out some of the emails that I sent/received from my professors in regards to what was going on (always good to keep a record of things official). I read one of them, and realized that I was so sick at that time that I didn't even read the email properly when I received it-it said that I got a 91% on my essay, which I DO remember getting, but I know I didn't read it properly at the time, because when I actually got my essay back-in January-I anxiously turned to find out what mark I got. For someone who is a bit grade obsessed, not remembering a nice A grade like that really shows how sick I was.

It is hard remembering last year. Actually, it is hard remembering ANY November/December of my University career besides this year and my first year. 2nd year, 3rd year, 4th year...let's just say that November and December of those years are NOT easy to remember. I hope that this year sets a new trend.

I may still need more sleep (I slept at least 9 and a half hours today, and still had to pry myself out of bed at almost 10am...), and I may still have some breathing difficulties and stamina issues, but I'm not as bad as last year. I get frustrated with my body, but I can keep my eyes open for more than 10 minutes at a time. I may not be able to run much, but I can walk up my stairs without problems unless I'm in a bad episode. My hands may occasionally lose some degree of sensation (when my heart is really mucked up), but they haven't gone completely senseless since LAST Dec 7th. My stomach and what-not can give me problems, but I don't have a repertoire of only 5 foods that I can tolerate. I have much to be thankful for.

I will be seeing some of my health care professionals this coming week-my counsellor at the Eating Disorder program, and hopefully getting into see my own family doctor. I haven't actually seen her since LAST December, because I haven't needed my prescription refilled until now...because I took my dose down quite a lot. But...I have only about two weeks left of the prescription, so I HAVE to refill it. Even if it means getting a bit of flack for one, not taking the full dose, and two, not getting anything checked out in so long. Just have to suck up my courage and do so...

Last day of fall semester

Yesterday was the last day of fall semester, which I spent studying and doing two midterm exams, one for my intro to psych class, and one for my History of Antisemitism and the Holocaust class. I know that I got at least one mark wrong on my psychology exam, because I mixed up infradian and ultradian biological rhythms (and the sad thing is that I KNEW this before the exam! ARGH!), and I feel like I could have constructed my essay on my History of Antisemtism exam better. For instance, I got on the bus and realized "Oh, I could have talked about Constantine briefly as well". I'm trying to put them out of my head, but it is not the easiest thing to do.

But...no matter how the exams went yesterday, my last day of classes this year was certainly better than my last day of classes last year. Last year, my last day of classes ended with my heart going crazy, my friend practically dragging me down to urgent care, waiting 4 hours because they probably thought I'd had a panic attack (WRONG!!!) and having everything spin out of control the second that the doctor listened to my heart. Anything would be better than having a STAT EKG called for me...which is what happened last year when they actually evaluated me properly and found out that I should likely have been at the top of the list and not at the bottom. Sore throats and sprained ankles went ahead of me, which just goes to show that the medical system can be a little bit messed up sometimes. When a person comes in with breathing issues and having had an arrythmia tachycardia episode yet waits four hours behind colds and twisted ankles. Hmm...

Once they actually got to me, they took care of me well though. Later this month I see the geneticist, and maybe things will finally, completely, make sense. I miss my old energy and sleep requirements. I don't like it when I can't breath well. And I don't like how hard it can be to eat right when I need nutrition and energy the most. Like yesterday, for instance, before my exam. A two hour exam, so I knew I needed to eat something. But all I can manage to eat is a little cup of applesauce...and it takes about 10 minutes. Stress can make my heart muck up a bit, which in turn makes my digestive system muck up, which means that I can't eat well, which means that I lose weight. My weight this morning was 84 pounds...yeah...1.5 pounds underweight. Whoops.

I now don't have anything until December 18th, which is my History of Music in Canada exam, and when I anticipate my prof is going to want the essays in as well. I'm meeting with him tomorrow to discuss both that paper and my major area paper. Yeah, that's kind of going to have to be a focus of second semester, which is why even today, I am going to work on history of antisemitism readings. I need to get ahead NOW for the winter semester.

Bernat Baby Jacquards Round Blanket

This blanket was started in the summer, but the majority was done in the past two or three weeks, just finishing it tonight. It helped get me through my grueling essay on George Steiner's theories of antisemitism for my History of Antisemitism class (reward...ex, I'd make a bargain with myself...work for 30 minutes/write 200 words/whatever and you can crochet one side/whatever). It is also for Project Linus and I really like how it turned out! I love this particular pattern because it is easy, but looks complicated and delicate. And the Bernat Baby Jacquards is SO SO soft. This colour is called "Spearmint Candy", and I particularly love the strawberry pink shades.