Last September, when my dad and sister went east for two weeks, I was happy for them, enjoyed having the house to myself, etc etc. My dad left for a twelve day trip to Great Britain today, very early this morning. It's his first time over there since he was 21...my age. He's now 63. So explain why I am feeling, well, lonely?Perhaps even, scared? (!!!) I guess I'm just at a different place then I was in September. September, before I heard those words that changed everything, "You have a heart murmur, did you know that?". Before I started having problems breathing, and eating (physically).
I'm sure it will improve tomorrow. I think this is just a sign that I need to see people my own age again, and SOON. And really chill. I guess things were different because in September, I was in school. And I have to say that I didn't feel slightly creeped out with the windows open, because they weren't! Now, well, I got a bit creeped out when I was downstairs cataloguing yarn/putting yarn away while watching I dream of Jeannie and the windows were open upstairs. But, I wasn't about to just close them up and negate all the cooling evening air. I guess it was really only the living room and dining room windows that bothered me, because they are the ones that are big enough-and low enough-to the ground that someone could come in them. The others, yes, someone could come in them, but they're pretty high up. You'd have to be quite tall and strong or have a ladder to manage it.
I guess this is also part of having entered into the 3 weeks on for more challenging depression. Generally, it seems like I have three weeks of harder depression, and one week where it isn't so bad. It kind of messes up the brain. (Kind of?)
Cataloguing yarn. Having inherited a lot of yarn...in addition to buying a lot on my own...there is a lot of yarn in the house. Fortunately, it catalogues faster than music! A large percentage of it was catalogued and stored back neatly in the closet in the library this evening. Basically the only thing in that closet is yarn. Yarn in boxes, yarn in the two dressers that used to be in my room when I was a little girl, yarn in a couple of bags. Some other craft supplies are in a cardboard chest of drawers that also used to be in my room. For many years it stored sorted barbie things...Now, it stores needle point, embroidery, glue guns, beads...
As I often say to my friends, there are a few things that my house has in abundance: Yarn, fabric, music(both print and recorded), and books. I guess I can add musical instruments to the list as well!
One of the things I want to do this summer is make my first true quilt, and then donate it to Project Linus. I just finished another crochet blanket for Project Linus today, and with all the fabric around, it would be a nice challenge to learn something new. I've done some sewing in the past, but not for a couple of years. Well, I guess about two years exactly...I think that I probably did one or two things after my mom got sick. When it comes to sewing I dearly wish that I had her around for guidance, but I guess I'll just have to rely on my memory and on Sewing for Dummies and any other books that I've since purchased on the subject!
Enough for now. Writing has actually helped soothe me, and I think I'll go take a nice hot bath and then go to bed...with a good 'comfort book' and some music of course!
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Monday, June 4, 2012
This is a feeling, this will pass (eventually)
It's a phrase that people with eating disorders often have to say to themselves (mentally or occasionally even aloud) FREQUENTLY. Right now, it's playing through my mind, with less success than I would like to see. My brain is panicking over the smoothie, when it contained oh, 1 banana, 2/3 cup unsweetened almond milk and about 2/3 cup blueberries. It's the banana, really, that does it for me. Bananas aren't 'safe'. I'll blame that one on all the ads that show up online titled things like "5 foods never to eat" and they show a banana. Whatever the case, my brain is panicking, making my stomach feel fat, putting me into a tailspin. Complete, utter tailspin. It's the feeling of wanting to run about 100 miles yet being rooted to the floor. The only crazy thing in all of this is that although my breathing is faster, it's normal. No feeling of lacking oxygen. So, while my brain is in anguish, my body is at peace. Sigh.
I've been realizing that I need to book a doctor's appointment, just with my primary care doctor. For one thing, she's going to expect me to need a new prescription soon (actually, a month or so back), and I really should explain that I lowered the dose of seroquel, but I'm nervous to. I've tried upping the dose, but I can't get past the break-through crazy amounts of sleep. Sure, they probably would stop...eventually. But eventually is too much of a waiting game for me at this stage. Even in the summer, I have lots of things to do, like phone contacts from the last marketing event. Making phone calls is really hard for me to do. There are only a handful of people that I am comfortable phoning, and even then it's still a put-it-off game. This handful includes my current flute teacher, my most recent past flute teacher, my piano teacher, my accompanists, my ICM and well, that's about it now that one of my friends that I was in more communication on the phone with now communicates mostly online with me. If someone else phones me, that's totally okay. If someone phones me asking about MYC, then I am VERY excited and happy to talk with them, but me initiating that phone call-even though they have asked to speak with a teacher from their area-is difficult. It is a bit of a social phobia.
I should end with something positive, so I'll say that I catalogued all the major vocal scores in this house today, amongst them numerous copies of Handel's Messiah (various different publishers). Okay, so that isn't so crazy positive, but I like organizing. Plus, my living room floor is covered in various stacks of music, so doing three piles of scores was something.
I've been realizing that I need to book a doctor's appointment, just with my primary care doctor. For one thing, she's going to expect me to need a new prescription soon (actually, a month or so back), and I really should explain that I lowered the dose of seroquel, but I'm nervous to. I've tried upping the dose, but I can't get past the break-through crazy amounts of sleep. Sure, they probably would stop...eventually. But eventually is too much of a waiting game for me at this stage. Even in the summer, I have lots of things to do, like phone contacts from the last marketing event. Making phone calls is really hard for me to do. There are only a handful of people that I am comfortable phoning, and even then it's still a put-it-off game. This handful includes my current flute teacher, my most recent past flute teacher, my piano teacher, my accompanists, my ICM and well, that's about it now that one of my friends that I was in more communication on the phone with now communicates mostly online with me. If someone else phones me, that's totally okay. If someone phones me asking about MYC, then I am VERY excited and happy to talk with them, but me initiating that phone call-even though they have asked to speak with a teacher from their area-is difficult. It is a bit of a social phobia.
I should end with something positive, so I'll say that I catalogued all the major vocal scores in this house today, amongst them numerous copies of Handel's Messiah (various different publishers). Okay, so that isn't so crazy positive, but I like organizing. Plus, my living room floor is covered in various stacks of music, so doing three piles of scores was something.
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