That awkward moment...

That awkward moment when, in doing your own research about possibly starting on imipramine, a tricyclic antidepressant, you find that one of the common side effects is increased heart rate. Urgh. Given that I deal with an increased/elevated heart rate a lot of the time already (my normal resting heart rate, even when I was able to be running most days was generally over 90, normal for an active person would likely be below 65), this wasn't exactly something that I wanted to read about.

Did I mention that except for the Eating Disorder team at the health clinic I go to for that, it is very hard to get in contact with anyone of my medical professionals? My dentist figured that he would have an answer back from my internal medicine specialist within a week, it has now been two weeks and I have yet to hear from him. I'm going to phone tomorrow, because the last thing I want is further problems with my teeth to continue. And I need to know when I can get these stupid extra teeth out so that I can plan my summer! Amadeus has to be sent off for a tune-up at some point, preferably when my wisdom teeth come out (it will make the separation a lot more bearable and my recovery a lot easier).

But yeah, that is one of those 'awkward moments'. Sigh.

FINALLY!

After several weeks of waiting, my marks for first semester were finally updated on thursday. Seriously, how long does it take for two marks to be input to let me know that I got an A+ in Research Methods and a B+ in Opera History? Obviously, I would have preferred an A in Opera History, but given how rough everything has been this year, I'm okay with a B+. Now, if they could only update my student status from On Probation back to Dean's Honour List!

This past week has been a relieving week with getting good marks. I found out that I got an 87.7 on my jury, giving me a B+ for my final grade in major practical study. By .2%, my jury grade was the best yet. I guess the answer to everything is that I really am no judge of my abilities right now, because I felt that I would get the lowest mark of my four juries. Similarly, I felt that I would not do very well on my final 20th century paper, and my professor emailed me my grade, and it was 90%-A. Then, my wind ensemble conductor emailed me my grade for wind ensemble, which was an A as well. I just need to wait for my marks for 20th century, Philosophy of Music and my second ensemble (the flute/guitar duet) to come through. I will like get an A or even an A+ in 20th century, hopefully an A but more likely a B+ in Philosophy of Music, and I would REALLY like a B+ in second ensemble, but because my director is quite a tough marker, it might only be a B (again...despite my efforts this year).

For the first time since September 8th, I have no papers to write, no exams or tests to study for, no readings to do...I only have to practice if I WANT to (which I do, don't get me wrong!)...

What this says is that my stress has obviously been considerably relieved. Yet I am still having breathing episodes, like yesterday during my friend Haley's recital.

This is not just a stress issue. The test for me was whether being done school would cure it, and it hasn't.

...I can't win...

I feel like I can't win. Earlier today, I was utterly exhausted and feeling a bit faint. So, I took my pulse-rate, which was about 78 bpm, a pretty normal rate for an adult, right? Except that I was exhausted and faint, despite getting almost 8 hours of sleep.

Now, my heart rate is faster and I have more energy, but it makes me feel shaky and I have some mild increases in difficulty breathing.

I can't win here.

On both a good and an AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH note, my final exam is tomorrow.

Ila Jean "Bean" Rathbone

The cancer world is not pleasant. The past couple of weeks in particular have had many children losing their earth battle against cancer, and several others relapsing or progressing...and this is just of the children that I follow! Tonight, I am deeply saddened at the death of a little girl named Ila Jean, who battled stage IV neuroblastoma for almost six years, joining another young neuroblastoma warrior, Tanner Evers, who passed away on friday. Having followed Ila's journey since around June of 2011, shortly after her relapse, little Ila Jean won her way into my heart, despite being thousands of miles away, and following only via the internet. Cancer does not discriminate in so many cases, but particularly in children. And neuroblastoma is often called a silent cancer, more than 60% of children are not diagnosed until they are at stage IV when there is very little hope for a long-term cure...

In the past month or less I have read about the deaths of
-Piper Needham, a spitfire two-year-old who died from a massive lung infection and infant leukemia
-Ty Barberine, who endured a successful bone marrow transplant only to become mysteriously ill from an unknown cause and live for several weeks on breathing support and dialysis before his body finally gave out
-Gage Driver, a little boy who died yesterday from DIPG, one of the worst brain tumours there is
-Tanner Evers, a long term neuroblastoma warrior
-and of course Miss Ila Jean

And so many children have progressed or relapsed or are facing very difficult points and need prayers and in some cases sheer miracles
-Ashley Reimer, who has relapsed with ALL a second time, discovered at her one-year post-bone marrow transplant check-up. She is a brilliant young woman only a little younger than I am, and had just gotten fully back into university and is now facing a daunting battle.
-Ethan Hallmark, a neuroblastoma warrior, who has relapsed with a hybrid neuroblastoma (VERY difficult to treat)
-Brooke Hester, who progressed through the humanized 3F8 antibody treatment and is now undergoing intensive chemotherapy
-Lindsay Simmons, a 12 year old ALL patient, who has relapsed, like Ashley, for a second time and is not doing well at all.
-Kodi Tutt, a seven-year-old neuroblastoma warrior who had a 'level three' reaction to the antibodies she was receiving and cannot have anymore-now facing a difficult decision as to remaining treatment
-Ariel Gariano, a 13-year-old relapsed rhabdomyosarcoma patient, who in addition to facing a lot of medical uncertainty had her family's house catch on fire this past week
-Liza Scherr, a DIPG patient who has progressed
-Joey Keller, a medullablastoma (brain tumour) patient, who has progressed after taking a needed break from chemotherapy
-Wesley Jaeger, a medullablastoma patient who is enduring chemotherapy after struggling for almost four years and is currently beginning to run out of options

And these are just of children that I follow. Sometimes, I wonder why I follow these children...but then I realize that by being aware, I can be a better advocate, and from time to time, I can even offer support through online messages when it feels right.

Relief (sort of)

My professor understood. Even though my computer has now had to be shut down several more times because of freezing up, my paper is gradually getting finished. It is NOT aided by my 'normal' symptoms of problems breathing (non-satisfying breaths), being tired, lack of appetite/nausea (it took me until almost 9pm to manage to eat dinner), mild stomach pain/discomfort and mild chest pain/discomfort. So I'm not beating myself up over this. It will get done, and it will be in by tomorrow morning. If I do end up losing 3% I am not going to kick myself over it. This has not been an easy semester, and the fall will provide a fresh start, with four less teeth and hopefully some better health and a better way of dealing with things.

Oh that's right...I never mentioned the dentist appointment on wednesday. I'm one of those strange people that actually finds getting my teeth cleaned to be quite relaxing...most likely because I cannot do anything besides put my feet up and listen to music for at least 30 minutes! Not exactly something I do very often without feeling guilty. Plus, I love the dentist-clean feeling. It's awesome. So, imagine my disappointment when I find out that they won't clean my teeth until they get the okay from my internal medicine specialist! Urgh! The only thing that they would do was the x-rays. Well. I have four-count em'-four wisdom teeth that are all in the process of impacting in one way or another. My bottom ones are impacting in a way known as incomplete eruption, which makes them highly susceptible to infection (which is why I mentioned my concern over them, and which is what got my dentist concerned, because I had to explain my heart valve). This is less complicated than the top teeth however, which are beginning to grow in under my back molars. I saw the x-rays, and it was actually pretty creepy-I could see the roots starting to be pushed aside. Those wisdom teeth need to go...and soon. But...I NEED to know what is going on with my heart/lungs before getting them removed! Talk about a tricky picture...I can't go under anaesthesia not knowing what's up, but I can't leave the teeth, especially the top teeth, there for too much longer before they are likely to start causing bigger problems. Perhaps my dentist will have more success reaching my internal medicine specialist than I have had! Needless to say, once my exams are over on wednesday and after thursday I start trying to get in to see my family doctor again.

Murphy's Law

Murphy's Law for university students: On the paper that you have procrastinated a bit on because of perfectionism, end of semester issues, and sheer tiredness, on the day that it is due, your computer will decide to start having issues, and even though you obsessively save every five minutes, you will keep losing several sentences at a time because your computer keeps freezing up.

Not exactly lowering my stress levels or improving my breathing, which is not comfortable right now. I did email my professor, but it sounds so much like a "My dog ate my homework" thing that it's so hard to believe! GAH!

Not enjoying this...

...not enjoying being sore all over, with a lack of energy and some stomach issues (lack of appetite, some pain). I need to have the energy to practice for my jury tomorrow...and not be ill for tomorrow!

There are strange things discussed after midnight...

Or perhaps not strange, but just things I never really expected to discuss...with this particular friend. It started out in the typical music student discussion way on Facebook chat, but morphed into a pretty deep discussion. My friend K, who I was talking to, has had some issues with tendonitis acting up. She was due to give her third-year viola recital this past sunday, but had to defer it. We got talking a bit about getting doctor's notes, and I talked about how stressed I had been to get the note, and how like many things, I had been way too concerned with it. K asked me flat out : "Do you have a generalized anxiety disorder or something?" Oddly enough, I felt comfortable enough to say yes. K went on to describe a bit of what has been going on for her with some anxiety and things like that, and we talked a long time. Eventually, I even shared that I had, and am still, undergoing treatment for an eating disorder. This is actually pretty huge for me. To share with someone who didn't tell me that they had an eating disorder first (as was the case with my friend N from the faculty) and is not a medical professional...well...I have done that only ONCE since starting university (until tonight). Obviously, the friends who I have been close with for years since junior high or high school knew, because it was definitely very obvious (it is a lot harder to hide irregular eating in high school), and I was leaning on them a lot during that time (perhaps too much) and was more open.

Funny thing is, although I had considered telling one of my friends at the FoM about it, K is not one of the ones I had thought about telling. Sometimes, things just happen and feel right. My good big sister friend B does know that I take seroquel and some of the basics as to why it was prescribed, but that's about it. I think that at some point, my friend A will probably learn of my eating disorder because from what I heard her talking about once, she dealt with some things when she was younger (teenager or early twenties, she is actually about 30 or 31 I think). And I think that at some point, my flute teacher L will probably learn a bit more about me...given the way I've been going recently, she probably already has some clues to it.

Did this feel really strange, telling someone? Yes, very...but a bit relieving too. I keep up such a tight shield, trying, somewhat unsuccessfully as tonight proved, to maintain that "I'm great, everything is fine, no worries, I'm like a rock, you can always count on me, I'm strong" position and face. Having to hide from fewer people, so to speak...is a good thing.

K kept saying that hearing my personal perspective on 'the system' and how it works was helpful. Although I would rather not be so intimately aware of it, I'm grateful that I was able to provide a bit of insight.

Attitude Adjustments

As any readers of my posts for the past few days have noticed, I've been in a more depressed, stressed, anxious, nervous, obsessive, worried, tired (shall I continue?) state. Well, I've been trying to take the words of my flute teacher L to heart...her basic message was incredibly simple and straightforward, but one I'd been ignoring for some time I guess: "Replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts!" Well, here are just some of the negative thoughts that I have been working to replace with more positive, encouraging ideals.

"ACK! Jury! ACK! I haven't prepared enough, I'm going to get nervous, it's so much of my grade, this is my 4th year jury, ACK!" (and so forth)

Replaced with: "I get a chance next week to perform for several very talented, dedicated and experienced musicians of different backgrounds who will give me comments to help further my musical development" When I think about it that way, it starts to become exciting.

"PAPERS!" Replaced with: "I have the opportunity to write about some interesting topics and develop the way my brain thinks. After all, Fluxus and Bernstein are quite interesting! Plus, I have done at least several dozen papers before, many of them quite a bit longer (remember, the Fluxus paper is only 3-5 pages!), and I have always done well (I don't think I've ever scored lower than a B on an essay, and usually an A or A+...this is going all the way back to when we first started writing essays in junior high). I truly enjoy writing, and many say that I have a natural skill for it. This is going to be okay! I have done it before, and I can do it now!"

"I lost a Sunbeams One student and I'm not sure what to do with the two students who are VERY much ready for Sunbeams Two and would not work to be side-stepped to either Sunshine Two or Moonbeams One classes where it would be-on either part-a lot of review" replaced with: "I don't have to worry about that at this moment, I will focus on that NEXT week after my Philosophy of Music paper is finished, and in consultation with those who have experience in these matters"

"Grades! Especially those two for first semester that still haven't been replaced yet!" replaced with: "Be patient, they will be updated. And, even if they aren't...it is not the be all and end all of your university career. You can always take more courses and score higher to help pull the grades up a bit further if you need to. There are options. This has been a difficult semester, you have been going through and dealing with a lot, and although you perhaps didn't do the best you could, you didn't do the worst either. This is all a learning experience, and you have learned a lot about how you think and react in situations from this"

And those are just a few! I'm not saying that I'm not still having some moments...but the past two days have been pretty good on all fronts...although I'm not finished the 20th century paper that is due tomorrow by 4:30. But I am going to relax and do some work on it, and remind myself that it is not that long, I have already done a presentation on the topic, so it will come back to me, and that I have done this before and I do have enough time to work on it.

Mondays=tears

For some reason now, mondays bring me to tears...but only just. I'm not entirely sure why...especially as I used to LOVE mondays, even during the hardest times of my mom's illness, or previous depression episodes.

Yes, I have come to the conclusion that this really isn't just a little passing thing. This is several weeks now of things, yes, it is better on some days than others, but overall...especially as it did not improve with finishing assignments. A lot of the time, I am spending feeling on the brink of tears, but I can never really cry and let things loose which might help. Sometimes, I feel like I cried myself out in high school. During my mom's illness, I often listened to the same songs on repeat on my MP3 player in bed while writing in my journal and doing the same thing-only slightly crying. The main songs I played on repeat included:

Come to Jesus-the recording that I have is actually sung by one of my close guy friend's mom...who is an alto in the Concert Choir that I sing in. BUT...I didn't realize that she was the singer on the cd until this year. This is what happens when someone decides to go by their maiden name, but their children (naturally) take on their father's name. She is a wonderful woman though, and I appreciate her support. Plus, my joke is that if something ever happens to me in choir, I have pretty much the best resource possible: An ER dr who knows a good chunk of my medical history!

Be thou my vision-the wind ensemble recording that I was part of at IMC 2007.

Colours and Contrasts of Grief-recorded with NYB 2009. My parents actually drove out 8 hours to come hear one of my concerts with NYB 2009. It meant a lot to me. If only I had known that just a few months later (NYB is always in May) my mom wouldn't even be able to walk up the stairs in our house...Listening to Colours and Contrasts of Grief was almost 'pregrieving' I guess.

Gabriel's Oboe from the soundtrack to The Mission.

Amazing Grace-as recorded by my high school's band. Although, not a band that I was a part of.

On a Hymnsong of Philip Bliss-again, same as before.

...and a few others...although I honestly can't remember them right now. Needless to say, however, I'm sure that if it was a cd, I would have worn it down to nothing.


Tomorrow, I have at least one and hopefully two appointments. I see the dietician tomorrow at 9am...well, slightly after 9am as I have to phone my doctor's office and see if I can get in tomorrow. I really need to get my bloodwork done-electrolytes, iron, hemoglobin and RBC, blood sugar...

The blood sugar part means that I have to fast. Not that difficult on the food part, but not being able to have any tea!

I have a not-so-great feeling about the potassium levels, because after gaining 3 pounds in 4 days, today has been complete overdrive from my kidneys, meaning that I could easily be dropping the levels without trying. Gaining 3 pounds in 4 days means that for whatever reason, I was retaining quite a bit of fluid. It's really hard on an ED person-present or past-to suddenly gain weight like that though. My logical brain says that it was probably almost entirely water, if not entirely-especially as one of the days was quite a restrictive day-but the ED brain goes FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT RESTRICT RESTRICT RESTRICT RESTRICT RESTRICT. Pretty much in caps too! That is how an ED brain works. It is certainly not a logical brain. Sometimes, separating things makes me feel slightly-if not completely-schizophrenic. While I am happy to be getting rid of the excess fluid, dropping fluid like this makes me a bit concerned for the electrolyte levels. Hopefully, they are okay, or at least not worse than last time. Potassium needs to be between 3.5-4.5, last time it was 3.3, so not going to cause problems at that point...but dropping lower-especially past 3.0 would not be good.

Well, that is all for now.

Romanian Folk Dances-Bartok

So, this is the Romanian Folk Dances...we obviously played an arrangement for Flute and Guitar, but it worked out well. Actually, the third movement, I played on piccolo!

Choir Concert

Tonight was the final choir concert for this university year. It went pretty well, all things considered. The dress rehearsal was a bit hard on me, and more than once I did squat down, under the premise of having some water...which worked. If only my positions for breathing didn't look so strange. But for the actual concert it was pretty much okay. And yesterday's Chamber Ensemble recital went pretty well...my guitarist and I played two movements of a Diabelli work, and then Bartok's Romanian Dances. I ended up getting a bit nervous in the 5th and 6th movements, but was able to recover pretty quickly, and it ended okay, although my last note was shorter than I would have liked (just not enough air). Of course, I was slightly frustrated/irritated with E, my guitarist as I was dressed in all black, and he was wearing a black shirt, black shoes...and JEANS. It bothered me, to say the least. This was a formal event, even if there were very few in the audience, and you should take the time to put on black pants...which I know he has. Definitely know, as he was wearing them tonight at the choir concert.

My workload before the end of the semester is now down to: Two papers (neither of which are the length that the previous ones have been...one is 3-5 pages, the other is 2500 words), one jury and one exam.

Now, I really should practice, although I am tired, and really should also go to bed...I slept in until 10:50 this morning. Yikes. Means that I slept nine hours...I fell asleep last night about five minutes before the episode of I dream of Jeannie that I was watching on my computer in bed finished. Lols. Yes, my computer is now playing cds and dvds again. I didn't do anything to it, but maybe something just sort of sorted itself out. I'm not complaining though, as it is both a useful thing, and an entertaining thing to have that working.