Mondays=tears

For some reason now, mondays bring me to tears...but only just. I'm not entirely sure why...especially as I used to LOVE mondays, even during the hardest times of my mom's illness, or previous depression episodes.

Yes, I have come to the conclusion that this really isn't just a little passing thing. This is several weeks now of things, yes, it is better on some days than others, but overall...especially as it did not improve with finishing assignments. A lot of the time, I am spending feeling on the brink of tears, but I can never really cry and let things loose which might help. Sometimes, I feel like I cried myself out in high school. During my mom's illness, I often listened to the same songs on repeat on my MP3 player in bed while writing in my journal and doing the same thing-only slightly crying. The main songs I played on repeat included:

Come to Jesus-the recording that I have is actually sung by one of my close guy friend's mom...who is an alto in the Concert Choir that I sing in. BUT...I didn't realize that she was the singer on the cd until this year. This is what happens when someone decides to go by their maiden name, but their children (naturally) take on their father's name. She is a wonderful woman though, and I appreciate her support. Plus, my joke is that if something ever happens to me in choir, I have pretty much the best resource possible: An ER dr who knows a good chunk of my medical history!

Be thou my vision-the wind ensemble recording that I was part of at IMC 2007.

Colours and Contrasts of Grief-recorded with NYB 2009. My parents actually drove out 8 hours to come hear one of my concerts with NYB 2009. It meant a lot to me. If only I had known that just a few months later (NYB is always in May) my mom wouldn't even be able to walk up the stairs in our house...Listening to Colours and Contrasts of Grief was almost 'pregrieving' I guess.

Gabriel's Oboe from the soundtrack to The Mission.

Amazing Grace-as recorded by my high school's band. Although, not a band that I was a part of.

On a Hymnsong of Philip Bliss-again, same as before.

...and a few others...although I honestly can't remember them right now. Needless to say, however, I'm sure that if it was a cd, I would have worn it down to nothing.


Tomorrow, I have at least one and hopefully two appointments. I see the dietician tomorrow at 9am...well, slightly after 9am as I have to phone my doctor's office and see if I can get in tomorrow. I really need to get my bloodwork done-electrolytes, iron, hemoglobin and RBC, blood sugar...

The blood sugar part means that I have to fast. Not that difficult on the food part, but not being able to have any tea!

I have a not-so-great feeling about the potassium levels, because after gaining 3 pounds in 4 days, today has been complete overdrive from my kidneys, meaning that I could easily be dropping the levels without trying. Gaining 3 pounds in 4 days means that for whatever reason, I was retaining quite a bit of fluid. It's really hard on an ED person-present or past-to suddenly gain weight like that though. My logical brain says that it was probably almost entirely water, if not entirely-especially as one of the days was quite a restrictive day-but the ED brain goes FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT RESTRICT RESTRICT RESTRICT RESTRICT RESTRICT. Pretty much in caps too! That is how an ED brain works. It is certainly not a logical brain. Sometimes, separating things makes me feel slightly-if not completely-schizophrenic. While I am happy to be getting rid of the excess fluid, dropping fluid like this makes me a bit concerned for the electrolyte levels. Hopefully, they are okay, or at least not worse than last time. Potassium needs to be between 3.5-4.5, last time it was 3.3, so not going to cause problems at that point...but dropping lower-especially past 3.0 would not be good.

Well, that is all for now.