The last of the blankets...

These two are the last of the blankets that will be sent to the Bernat drive for Project Linus (they have to be mailed by September 1st). I have four more blankets on the go but none are close enough to completion to finish by thursday. In total, the count is at 15-3 fleece blankets that I blanket-stitched around, 2 fringed fleece blankets, 5 knit blankets, and 5 crochet blankets! Even if I COULD finish another blanket by thursday, the box is STUFFED, as shown above.

This is a granny square crocheted blanket in Bernat Baby Coordinates yarn.

And this one is another fleece blanket that I blanket-stitched around. Not sure when my mom bought this piece of fleece, but it served no purpose for me anymore. I hope someone loves it!

I intend to continue making blankets for Project Linus for as long as Project Linus exists. I doubt that I'll ever be making them at such a fast rate anymore, but I'm sure they can count on a few from me each year. I do, however, have some other projects to finish, such as some scarves for the church sale, some 'snakes' (which I intend to use as Creepy Crawly Critter C's (made out of left-over yarn), a prayer shawl for a family friend, a sweater for a little girl at church who is turning one in a few weeks, baby sweaters for some of my friend's kids (one just had a baby yesterday, two others are due in December), maybe even finish a couple of things for myself! I still have a vest waiting to be blocked in my closet...it's been waiting for some time now.

It's a human trait that we always want to feel useful and needed. Making these blankets helped me through the past few months of not having a job or school to keep me busy a lot of the time. Plus, it was just plain fun! 15 babies or kids will be getting a special blanket made by me...and I'd be wrong to say that that warm fuzzy feeling isn't happening right now.

MP3 players...

A few days ago, we had the computer technician come and fix up the computers. Well, I found out that I'd used more than half the space on my laptop. So, I figured that I would delete the things that I didn't need. One of those was my music library...I figured that since it was on my MP3 player, there was no longer a need to have it on my computer. Great, more GB free. Until...turning on my MP3 player before bed, having charged it earlier yesterday, I find that there is NOTHING ON MY MP3 player anymore. So...I now have to do the whole process over again. Not exactly my idea of fun. I think the last time I loaded the music onto the MP3 player, it took about three weeks in total. Of course, I was in university classes for some of that time...but...argh. NOT what I was expecting to happen!

"Home"

I watched the televised state funeral for Jack Layton this afternoon. In Canada, state funerals typically involve quite a bit of bagpipes for the processions. Well, when I first turned on the tv, I cringed, because when Dvorak wrote the second movement of his New World Symphony (one of my absolute favourites) he did not exactly have the bagpipes in mind. I even stated, with a shake of my head, that Dvorak would be rolling over in his grave. What really got me however was at the final processional at the end of the funeral. I wondered why the bagpipe music was evoking such a strong response in me, and it finally dawned that it was a piece (or one very similar to it) called "Home". "Home" is the piece that the bagpiper played when my mom's ashes were interned.

Perhaps in all of this I have once again become paranoid, but it is annoying,frustrating and a bit terrifying when I start having the thoughts of my dad dying-suddenly. I hadn't really been thinking that way for some time, but the past couple of weeks, it's been happening again. It's almost like a parent or caregiver of a small child...when they're quiet, you get worried that something is wrong, whether it's that they've gotten into the bathroom cupboard and unrolled all the toilet paper or that they've fallen down and stopped breathing. If I'm not hearing him when I leave my room-either the tv, or the computer, or his machine (and sometimes snoring) I tend to get slightly concerned. Hopefully, these 'visions' from my rather more active than I would like it to be imagination will calm down again soon!

Post-medication terror

This is what you call it when you find out that a drug that you were on for more than six months, most of that at a 60mg dose has just been found to be potentially fatal at doses above 40mg. Yikes! Back in the first half of 2008, I was on celexa, an SSRI antidepressant. Even at the 60mg dose, it had little to no effect on me. Reading that headline today about some patients developing a fatal arrhythmia made me choke slightly. I hope that the drug world starts testing things better...yes, there are risks to everything...but that one sounds pretty serious.

Jack Layton...

Cancer, I HATE YOU!!!!!!!

I have been an NDP supporter since I was ten years old and studying politics in social studies. An election was happening that year and we had a contest in class to see who could come closest to the actual seat count. Well, my friend K won the contest, but that was the start of my interest in politics. I remember that the first reason I was attracted to the NDP was that they had the only female leader! (Trust a ten year old's logic). Over the years however, I have found that, for the most part, the NDP not only matches many of my beliefs, but the politicians are friendly, charismatic and optomistic.

Back in early 2010, Jack Layton announced that he was battling prostate cancer. He successfully won that battle, but just a few weeks ago, after the NDP party did incredibly well (best ever) in the May 2011 election, winning enough seats to become the Official Opposition, Jack Layton announced that he was "temporarily stepping aside" from his role as leader of the NDP to have treatment for a new, second cancer. Call me an optimist, or someone not wanting to see anyone die of cancer (least of all the politician I most respect), but I figured that that was that. Radiation is usually about 6 weeks long, so I figured that it was likely a cancer that would be dealt with in about 6 weeks, fitting the 'back in the fall' timeline. However, this morning, at about 5am, Jack Layton died at the age of 61. That was NOT the wakeup call I wanted on the news this morning.

My prayers go to his family and to the NDP members that will now be stepping up to take over the leadership role of the party. May the next leader do as amazing a job of Jack Layton. He will not be forgotten.

Excess sleep

I am sick and tired of needing so much sleep. Last night was another night of more than ten hours of sleep. It's incredibly frustrating at this point and in the end might be the driving force that gets me to my doctor! Once my bike tires are filled, that is. Which will hopefully be today or tomorrow, and then I'll phone on monday...no ifs, ands or buts. Sleeping this much at 21 years of age is annoying...and more than a bit concerning when it comes to the fact that I'll be having to get up at 6:30 before very long. Even with setting all my alarms I can't seem to get up, I just turn them off one by one, almost in my sleep (I definitely cannot remember turning off some of my five cell phone alarms this morning). And I can definitely sleep through my radio alarm now. Yes, this is vacation time and I don't HAVE to go anywhere such as school, but this is not a good habit to be in.

I'm going to be honest (as I always try to be in posting!), I am almost more stressed out about my classmate's brain tumour than I was about my mom's cancer. Perhaps it's because with my mom's, I didn't really have time to dwell on anything, I just had to keep going. Now, it's summer, and he's not a member of my family or a close friend that I would try to be there for all the time, and well, that leaves me a lot of time to ruminate. I hate rumination.

I feel very deeply for his family...having gone through something sort-of similar not that long ago, I have an idea of what's going on. The difference is that he is 21 and my mom was 53 at diagnosis.

The amazing thing in all of this is how it has brought my graduating class back together, albeit on facebook, including some students who did not graduate with our class but were members of our class for some of the six years between grade seven and grade twelve. United in prayer via the internet. N is such a strong guy though, and has a very deep faith, very positive person overall. May this positivity carry him through his surgery tomorrow and whatever else is in store for him. And PLEASE let this be a benign tumour. I know enough about brain tumours to know that if it's malignant and in the brain stem, he has an almost certain death sentence of less than 3 years. We have a special radiation option in my city called the Gamma Knife, I hope that that is an option in his case, as surgical removal from the brainstem is almost always impossible.

Update

My classmate gos in for surgery tomorrow. They are going to go in through his left ventricle, which is swollen right now due to fluid build up. According to his sister, although this is generally not a good thing, it is already an answer to prayer, since the swelling is allowing the doctors an easier route to the tumour in his brain stem, so that a biopsy can be done. They are going to put in a shunt to allow the fluid to drain properly.

A brainstem tumour...let's just say that my worst fears about this are starting to come true in front of my eyes.

High school classmate

I just found out tonight that a high school classmate of mine was just diagnosed last week with a brain tumour. I'm not sure what type, but at only 21 it's hitting quite hard. For me, it seems to have even more significance because of the number of children and young people I follow who have brain tumours or have had brain tumours and since earned their wings. That, and it seems like this is the summer for my friends and classmates to get sick. Although we were never close in high school, he is a wonderful person, very nice and friendly, always smiling. Please remember him in your prayers! If I find out more about his tumour (and I hope I will, I do like to be informed) I will post that as well. I found out because of a little facebook feed, that told me that 15 friends had been added to the group "XXXX graduating class of 2008", and of course I clicked on the group, where I found the information, along with a request for prayers (as a Christian high school this was what I expected in finding a message such as that). May he be surrounded by love and feel the prayers of everyone, even if we have not seen him since graduation.

Blankets and sweater

Forgot that I was going to post the pictures of the latest blankets and the sweater for my friend's little boy (she prefers unisex colours). The knitted blanket is for my friend who is due any day now, and is in the feather and fan pattern that my mom used to knit my sister and I's baby blankets, so it's extra special. I think I'll always use that pattern when knitting for my friend's babies, and tell them the significance.

Yesterday evening was a bit of a challenge. I contacted two families that had been very interested in Sunshine One (3.5-4 year olds), but both have decided not to do Sunshine One this year. However, at least one of them has said YES, do phone us in the spring, we're only holding off for a year. And I do admit that he was on the young side for Sunshine One being that he would only JUST be 3.5 when classes start in September. But that still means I only have one Sunshine One so far for this year. SO...this week is advertising week! Or at least the start. Meaning that I mail out tear-off sheets with a brochure, business card and cover letter to all the daycares, preschools and elementary schools in my area, and start doing the neighbourhood drop-offs. Hopefully, that will help so that I can at least get two more Sunshine One registrations so that I can actually do the class. I would HATE to cancel the class because the one that is registered seems like they will be a VERY good parent/child for the program. Plus, the other teacher in my area (my piano teacher) doesn't teach Sunshine One anymore. As my little bit of history digging proved, MY Sunshine One class was actually the last one that she taught! And that was 17 years ago now.

My dad and I went out to lunch at Boston Pizza with a couple of women from church today. Who should be sitting at the table across from us than my grade six band teacher? It was a pleasant surprise, especially because I had been feeling the need to get in contact with my grade six teachers, and just share that I was now a teacher myself. I still haven't found the contact information for one of them, but I found out where one of them is now working. The only other person from my grade K-6 years that I want to get in contact with is my kindergarten/grade three teacher, in part because of how much my mom admired her. So much so that she continued volunteering in her class for a few years AFTER I had finished grade three! I'm not sure my teacher knew just how special she was, and I'd like her to know that. I found out that she just retired in the spring after 36 years of teaching, so I'm hoping that if I send a letter to her last school that they will still be able to get it to her.

So yesterday I really had to dig for 'pleasant thoughts' to end my journal entry. I think I even wrote that I couldn't think of any, besides that construction on the basement kept going along at a nice pace. The crew is pretty amazing with the long hours that they work...generally 9-11 hours a day, AND saturdays. So 6 days a week. I'm very happy about that though, because it means things will get finished all that much quicker. They are almost finished doing the 'mudding' of the drywall (covering up any nails and things that would make the paint overtop not be smooth). The storage room may actually be completely finished this coming week, which would be good because then we can get a lot of the things that are sitting around the other spaces into the storage room and make it easier for them to put down the carpet, paint, etc.

So, that's what's happening now. Hopefully in two weeks or so, the basement will be completely finished!

My all-natural anti-depressants-practising my flute and MYC

Perhaps it was just the troubles with dinner...but this evening left me feeling rather down. I'm not even sure why the troubles with dinner were present, perhaps it was just a bit too late, being after 7pm. I was actually hungry, and it was a stew with lots of vegetables, but I found that my stomach just wasn't letting me eat much and that was a bit frustrating to be honest, but perhaps some of the 'tricks' that ana developed for me were coming into play whether I wanted them to or not. And then for whatever reason, my computer's disc player is being stubborn and will sometimes not play certain discs and well, sometimes it's just the little things that make everything seem terrible! The good news is that I got down to practising after my computer refused to play the disc, and although it took a little bit for some of the things to not seem hopeless (with my wind ensemble audition less than a month away) things actually improved and I could see improvements in my playing even since saturday (the last time I practised...), so it did work. In fact, I had to use my logical brain and stop practising after about an hour and a half because my fingers were tired and getting slightly tingly (which is a big sign to stop and one I try to take seriously!). So, practising really helped get me back 'up' and now I'm listening to Sunrise vocal cd 1, and that's also helping. I can't help but smile with some of the songs. Might seem like an odd anti-depressant to some people, but I guess whatever works. I miss teaching!

Let's hope that I don't still need as much sleep as I've been tending to get...sleeping for more than ten hours a night probably isn't that normal for someone of 21...and it can be a bit frustrating too. I guess it really is time to get everything checked out, but that is NOT an easy task for me. Maybe I DO need someone to come, like my ICM. I would call my doctor tomorrow, but it's my sister's birthday and I don't know what time we're going out, and my dad is going out for some time in the morning and needs me to be at home with the crew. So I'm actually making a valid excuse...

Perhaps thursday...

Waiting for Superman

One of my friends, a musician with the Canadian Forces Reserves, tends to watch documentaries online about various things. He posted about one in particular that caught my eye, called "Waiting for Superman" about the public school system in the United States. I may not live in the United States, but this film was well worth watching, even though it was in eight parts on Youtube with annoying subtitles. Canada may rank approximately 5th out of the 30 countries surveyed, but that does not mean that we do not have a number of similar problems, especially in our inner city/downtown public schools. I am forever grateful that I had the opportunity to attend a private, Christian junior high and high school, particularly when I look at the way that the majority of my elementary school class has turned out. Fewer than half have gone on to college or university, a number of them are out drinking a lot of the time...you get the picture. To be out right honest, the few who are doing well were the ones I was closest to during those early years! One of them is, in fact, a colleague of mine at the Faculty of Music (he's a voice major). And of my closest two childhood friends, both are currently entering into their fourth year of university, one majoring in engineering with a minor in business, and the other in art history (she always was great at designing clothes for our paper dolls...hey, I'm mostly remembering things from when we were eleven or younger!).

For whatever reason, I've recently been thinking back a lot to my education as a child and teenager. I remember a parent-teacher-student conference when I was in grade six, so when I was eleven. I was still young enough and small enough and shy enough that I was sitting on either my mom or dad's lap for part of it, I don't remember which though, although I remember what I was wearing with some degree of certainty (it was either the blue fleece top or the purple flowered one-identical in form). The reason this particular parent-teacher-student conference is relevant is that I remember talking about how I wanted to be a teacher. My grade six teachers (there were two main ones) paused and said that it took someone special to be a teacher, but that I had shown the right characteristics and that if I kept working like I did, that I could be come one. Well, that's becoming true. I may not be training to be a school teacher, but I am becoming a teacher, with an important role in these young people's lives. Some may say that music is 'extra' and 'not necessary', but I beg to differ. Music, art, drama, sports...who are we without these aspects of our culture? Who are we without ways to express ourselves? That is one of the reasons that I think music is so important.

My grade six teacher has since retired-I know because she and her husband own a horse ranch and it was in the paper some years ago, but to be honest, I'd like to do a google search about the ranch, and see if I can't find a way to send a little letter...saying that I have indeed become a teacher, and thanking her for her role in that.

Good news

The good news is that my friend D is completely off of the iv feedings, meaning that the tube feedings are working-placed correctly and all! For the first time, that is some good news. It's my friend N's birthday tomorrow-her second in a row on the hospital ward (ouch...). But, the good news is that she's getting a pass to leave the hospital for some of tomorrow afternoon!!!!! I'm so happy for her to have the pass.

I worked on a bit of scheduling today...although it's not complete because I don't know when my flute lessons and small ensemble rehearsals will be. It's going to be full this fall...which is both refreshing and terrifying. I wasn't really intending to do 14 credits...but that's how it's going to be because of when my required courses are. Last fall, I only managed to do the first month of 20th century music, so I have to complete that. Gack...that course. It's not that it was challenging in and of itself, it's that it's the first course I dropped, the course that I ended up texting through because I was upset and I had a friend (surprise, surprise) in eating disorder treatment (for the first time) that was also going through anger and such, I remember absolutely BOLTING from class when my sister phoned (I had my phone on vib and was sitting near the back) the day after my mom entered the hospital (it turned out to just be my sister asking whether I'd heard anything, but given that my sister and I are not given to phoning one another, especially during the daytime, I was FREAKED to get a phone call from her)...well...20th century will bring back some unpleasant memories.

Good things...another classmate of mine was married today, and another got engaged (I feel like I've said this before). I'm SOOOOOOO happy for my friend J and her now-fiancé D. She is now the third of my high school group to get engaged.

I had to laugh a bit when my dad came home this afternoon from the last day of my church's Vacation Bible School. A number of young people from a fellow presbyterian church had been helping out (high-school, university age), and a lot of them knew me from my high school. One however remembered me from the Wind Ensemble Open House back in-I believe it was November, an 18 year old saxophone player. His description of me? A typical man's description..."yeah, I think I saw her at the open house...really short and thin". As I joked, a woman would have given a much more detailed description "oh yes, I believe she was a flute player, long brown hair, glasses, quite small, wearing blue". Call me crazy but I DO remember exactly what I was wearing, probably because it was the first time I was wearing it...my long-sleeved dark turquoise blouse with the slightly ruffled v-neckline, round-neck black vest, blue plaid skirt, charcoal tights and black boots. I like wearing skirts and it was fun to be slightly dressed up...and to do the open house.

The construction workers are actually going to be coming tomorrow too, and then the window worker is coming on SUNDAY, possibly sunday morning (I said as long as it was before 9:30 or after 12:30 as we'll be away for church between then). It's crazy but I've actually gotten quite used to the workers being around...to having more flies in the house than normal...to having saws and nail guns firing under my bed before 8 in the morning...to having to squeeze under plastic covers and avoid bumping the hot water heater to get to some of the pantry shelves in the basement...well...it will be over soon enough. I'm VERY grateful to my dad for being able to do this for us...but in the end, it really is for me for now. Yes, the house will sell for a lot more when he does sell it, but for now, these renovations mostly benefit me. It's an amazing gift.

Depressed...again...evenings..

For probably two main reasons right now, I am feeling quite depressed. The first is that I got another rejection phone call, after being told a few days ago that they were going to register (Aunt said Yes, Yes, reserve a spot!, dad tonight phoned and said no...to be honest I was confused), and the other came when doing a bit more research about my one friend's medical condition, SMA syndrome. What really depressed me was the 1 in 3 chance of death. Ouch. Please keep her in your prayers...it is an incredibly rare condition, only about 500 cases have been diagnosed (perhaps because some doctors don't really believe it exists), and she is really struggling right now (tube feedings past the narrowed part have been on-again, off-again (and the first time, they placed the tube wrong...)) and is in pain from time to time as well. I wish I could take some of her pain. Not only that, but a bed in the treatment facility out of province that she was going to go to to hopefully kick anorexia's rear once and for all came up, but of course she can't go at this point. I hope that when she's better from this that she'll be able to go there and get on with her life.

I should end with something happy or positive (it's become one of my nighttime journal rules if I chose to write  before going to sleep because otherwise, I tend to have disturbing dreams related to the content of the entry-ie, had a disturbing dream about being in the ward for eating disorder treatment (along with my friend N), not even having a bed, and then being interrogated by the nurses as to how I wasn't making any progress, and my friend David, who was one of the friends that saw me through my hospitalization now more than three years ago asking me how I'd ended up there. I was very happy to wake up...very happy. So, I don't want to think about that stuff before going to sleep. Okay...positive thought...some of the drywall is up in the basement! It's really starting to take shape, so hopefully in not that long I'll be able to actually take parents and children downstairs to the studio. I look forward to that. Oh, and my friend C loved the sweater for her little boy. I hope my friend C.S gets her package soon and likes her prayer shawl and the sweater for her daughter A.

Oh and we got a little bit of rain yesterday and today!!!!!!!! I haven't cut the grass since my birthday(ish) which was back on July 3rd...I don't mind not cutting the grass, but I really feel for the farmers. First the flood, and now the draught. We normally get about 70-75mm of rain in July, we got 10mm. Not exactly normal! More rain, please.