Merry Christmas

"And there were in that same country shepherds, abiding in the fields, keeping watch over their flocks by night. An lo, the Angel of the Lord appeared among them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were sore afraid. But the angel of the Lord said to them, "Do not be afraid, for a bring you tidings of great job that will be to all people: For born this day, in the city of David, a saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign to you: You will find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes and laid in a manger"

"Suddenly, a great company of the heavenly host appeared, praising God and singing "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men"

Despite the fact that this may not be the actual day of his birth, this is a day to honour Jesus, as the saviour of our often hopeless, despicable, deplorable world. Everything else about this season is secondary. Reminding myself this is helping. In everything I do, I want to honour Christ and be a light to the world. I'll close with one of my favourite quotes ever, from one of my biggest inspirations, Mother Teresa

"I can do no great things, only small things with great love"

No christmas tree???!

I might have posted about it before, but this year, after deciding that we (my dad and I) would put up a christmas tree, I said "we just have to wait until after my Sunrise class finishes up! I can't have three-year-olds being so distracted-it's not fair to them OR me!". So, having the class finish this afternoon, my dad and I went out after dinner this evening to the tree lot about a half kilometer away from our house. Where we've always gotten the tree for about 10 years now. Even this late in the season. Walking. Yes, walking, because the car has a service engine soon light on right now and is going into our friendly neighbourhood auto mechanic first thing tomorrow morning. The lot isn't visible for a little ways, so we are almost there when we see that...the trailer is still there...but there are no trees there. Let's just say it was a bit of a let down. I hope that another lot close by still has trees! I really do want a tree up...without it, it'll be even harder this season. It's already hard enough to believe that christmas is less than a week away, it'll never feel like christmas without the tree. Even a true Charlie Brown type tree would be fine with me!

Last night was really hard in the accepting-my-mom-is-gone area and I don't even really know why. My dad and I went to the symphony's performance of Handel's Messiah, which was really wonderfully done...my dad was even humming along at a few points, until I elbowed him rather sharply. I can't really blame him though-I've only sung select chorus parts, whereas he has sung it several times. I know that one time was in December of 1994 because my mom, who was a soprano, would always tell of how she would be practicing, and I would be singing along-and hitting the high B flats. She was a bit flabbergasted...four year olds aren't supposed to be able to hit those high notes! Trust me...I know this as a music teacher. I miss hearing those stories. Yes, my dad will have some, but being a stay-at-home mom during my early years, my mom was really the one with all the stories.

I guess it's safe to say that I miss everything about my mom's presence...except her occasional over-reacting. You know though, to be honest, I've run things through my head, and it is easier having my dad as the surviving parent simply because he is a bit of a rock. I don't know how my mom would have dealt with my dad's death. Fortunately, I will never have to know that.

I am very proud of my dad right now, because after years and years of over-eating and weight gain, topping out at over 250pounds, he has gone back to Weight Watchers, which previously helped him lose about 70 pounds. That was about a week and a half ago-he gos to his meeting on wednesday afternoons, and he figures that he's lost about 8 pounds now. I'm really trying hard have him become one of my 'projects'. I meet with a dietician with the ed program at the clinic on tuesday to discuss my eating stuff. Perhaps between the two of us we cancel each other out and are normal with this thing called eating.

Wish us luck on our tree hunt.

Cue the hallelujah chorus...followed by me crying!

I finished the essay, after rewriting the last paragraph for close to an hour at around 11:30! Thank goodness. Cue the hallelujah chorus on finishing it, but follow it up by me crying because the course is now over. I cannot begin to describe what an incredible experience it was. And how much it has affected me, and really increased views that were already existing. I have really come to believe VERY STRONGLY that despite the view by many that Euro-North American beliefs and customs are the best or to be aspired to, that no culture, whether it is the tiniest african tribe, or Inuit village, or the most populated country (China, followed by India) on the planet is more important or more 'right' than any other. This course, which at the start seemed to cover an awful lot, has recently made me realize just how little it really did cover (due to lack of time). It's like one drop off the largest ice berg in the ocean. Incredible is the only way to describe it, and the first professor is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. I feel so honoured to have had him four three courses now (even if this one was cut short). His immense knowledge, humanity, humour, and presence are unlike any I've ever known. Although I've had other good professors, he is definitely the top professor. To make things easier on myself, I have seperated the terms professor and teacher-it's too hard to pick ONE teacher from high school/middle school.

To give you a taste of both his insight, and his humour, here are some quotes that I took down during September and October...I posted this as a note on facebook to share with my friends from the class, as well as all those at the faculty who have yet to take the course!!!

"What exactly is the meaning of the word meaning?"
"If I were in charge of international diplomacy, the world would collapse tomorrow"
"India had 7 or 8 years to prepare, looks like they left it to the last minute (the commonwealth games)....sounds like my bank account"
"if western countries would step out of the picture once in a while, countries have an inate way of fixing things. It behooves us to think of the beauty of the land and people"
"There's a lot of drinking that gos on in Eastern Europe; it's celebratory and wild and I'm not very good at it" (student) "I'm sure you could get a student  to help you!"
"I think it's really unfair that there's men that gorgeous walking around. Unfair to the rest of us, that is (pause)" ('Martin-the only guy in the course')..."yeah..."
"I never know if I'm forwarding or rewinding-that always gets me in trouble...you guys grew up with these damn buttons!"
"Obviously I will never have this experience" (in regards to pregnancy)
"I find it amusing that years ago, my unborn child objected quite vehemently to Wagner"
(in describing what he sometimes puts on a sign at halloween) "There are two choices...you can have broccoli or candy. Let me know by yelling at the door"
"Nor can I demonstrate anything aboriginal without herniating myself"
"We need some candles and incense to really experience this...I'm only referring to legal items"
"Gotcha!!!" (in response to the technology not wanting to have the screen on and finally getting it)
"We have a double bar and they don't"
"Does it make you want to be in the company of a particular person?"
"Who wants to listen to an old man talk about these things...(aside in a Groucho Marx voice "even though I'm very experienced!")
and finally...what made each class complete...don't forget...

THE EAR SPLITTING, SPINE BREAKING SOUND OF THE SOUND SYSTEM NOT DISCONNECTING/CONNECTING PROPERLY!

(after a class where this hadn't happened until we were leaving) "Now the class is complete!'

All throughout October, Intro to Ethno was one of the few times a week where I found myself really able to focus on something besides being away from my mom in the hospital. If that doesn't say something positive about the course, nothing will!

Oh, and here is the link to my favourite piece that we watched and learned about...it unfortunately gets cut off, but is WELL worth the time. Nusrat Fateh Ali Ahan is the man on the left doing the majority of the singing and leading. What presence. Oh, and this is Sufi music from Pakistan- a qawwali hamd prayer, which is a prayer to a Sufi saint.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQSbF8Qy5tc

Essay...essay...essay...(repeat as required!)

These past few days have been dedicated to working on my final summary report for Intro to Ethnomusicology. Or so it's supposed to have been. It hasn't been especially easy to get down to it. I now have 11 hours, 28 minutes until it is due. I've been going about it in a different way than I often do essays. Usually, for the past couple of years, when I write an essay, I take down individual points/quotes etc on note cards, and then arrange them into an outline which I type almost immediately into the computer. This one, for whatever reason, because it is basically based on my notes and handouts from the course and any discussions I remember or things I already knew, I've been writing it lying on my bedroom floor as if it's an inclass open-book essay. And when I actually get down to that, I write like the wind doing that. But, so far, only 1.5 pages have been typed into the computer, and I have to have at least 8 pages. Distractions have been numerous, between me wanting to clean, watch some shows on my computer, knit on the blanket for my friend who's due in late February...

Speaking of that, that's where it's kind of funny. We were both intending to do an all-nighter last night, but neither one of us did. The funny thing was is that I was knitting on this blanket for her while on breaks! Well, pretty soon, I need to get back to this essay. Before long, it'll be finished. One thing that has been an excuse for me has been the cloudy day-my bedroom floor hasn't been as bright and so I've been going, oh, I'll wait until it's brighter. Well, I think I should just perhaps turn on a light, although I don't want to. But I have to get this essay finished (it is worth 40% of my final grade!). I've been trying to reassure myself that I don't have to stress too excessively because if I calculated correctly, I only need to get about a 77% on the essay to get an A in the course, and that really, a B+ wouldn't be the end of the world...but my perfectionism is not easy to deal with. Well, back at it.

Saturday night depression?

I thought it was sunday nights that caused me depression, but for whatever reason, all through this evening my depression has been mounting. And I really don't know why! Perhaps it's stress over my final summary report for intro to ethno, I'm honestly not sure. I didn't even remove myself from the kitchen immediately after dinner but ended up playing most of the Sunrise cd for my dad (after me talking about it so much and describing how certain songs got stuck in my head, he wanted to be let in a little bit I guess!) and talking all about the lessons. I get very excited whenever I'm talking about Sunrise or about the MYC program in general, I suppose because there is so much that is excellent about the program! And I certainly love those 45 minutes at 9:30 on saturday mornings when my four students and their moms or dads come to class.

Today was the youth orchestra's scholarship competition, and although I did not have a stellar performance and know that I was not one of the finalists, it went all right, and my wonderful accompanist, who has been playing for me for almost five years now (I've only played with someone different maybe 3 or 4 times in all of my festival, recital, audition, competition, exam and jury performances) was quite pleased with it, especially on how much better my playing was today compared to yesterday. I was a little annoyed because my flute was slipping a bit on my chin, which doesn't always happen. Some flutes, if they have gold mouth-plates can have scrolling, which actually makes this less of a problem. Mine, however, is solid silver, and I guess that's not possible.

Ah, instruments...it may seem crazy to non-musicians to spend thousands of dollars on what a fellow flautist friend of mine described as an "over-sophisticated piece of plumbing". However, if I were to not be playing on a high quality instrument (actually 2...my piccolo is also high quality), I would not have nearly the same tone quality, or even the technical capabilities as I am able to achieve on Johann, who is a Yamaha 481 silver 925. In case you're wondering, my piccolo's name is Sebastian...now all I need is third instrument to be named Bach. I've thought about naming the antique piano (our only piano) that is sort-of mine now that my mom is gone and my dad does not play a note and my sister lives out of the house, but it doesn't always seem to fit. Whatever the case, Sebastian really seems to fit for my piccolo. Naming instruments is not a new thing, and is actually pretty common...one of my friend's piccolos is named Tyrone, and I know a cello named Aluicious (and the spelling is probably wrong there). My flute has been an almost constant companion since August of 2004, so since before I started grade 9, or starting to close in on seven years now. I've thought about possibly upgrading further, and if something DOES present itself and I have my flute teacher's listening approval along with that of at least one other flautist, I might make that investment. My flute teacher, upon hearing this was rather quick to say that it would have be something VERY special and good, because this flute (a low-end professional model) seems to be a very good fit for me (which, don't get me wrong, is a very good thing). However, not having played another flute of quality, how do I know that I might not sound better on another one? I guess it's a bit of curiosity.

I just looked over at my calender and saw that it is exactly two weeks until christmas. Despite playing favourite christmas cds, Kris Kringle and seeing the mall dressed up, it still was a complete shock. I think I'll put up some decorations tomorrow (all out of reach of small hands of course!) to help me realize that it is coming, and fast. It's very easy to exist in a state of constant winter I guess, and we have had some bitter cold the past little while, wind chills of around -35, and temperatures expected to dip down to -30 celsius tonight. I suppose it's not as bad as we've had in the past, but it isn't pleasant.

I think that cleaning up my room a little, changing the sheets, having a bath and then going to bed-perhaps even before midnight (!) will help me to feel a bit better. Actually, writing this post has helped a little bit-I'm not feeling quite like crying anymore.

Whew. What a week and a half it's been! My orchestra concert was on December 5th, and it went quite well. I would share the links for the pieces that were recorded, but they happen to name my city, and I don't think that's a safe thing to be putting on the internet. If I figure out a way to have that NOT show, I will happily post them! Overall, I would say that all the orchestras played quite well, from the Youth Strings on up through the Concert Orchestra to my senior level Youth Symphony orchestra. Although the Shostakovich Festival Overture got a little bit away from our conductor, it all worked out rather well. I'm super excited for next semester starting in January when we get to play the WHOLE of Tchaikovsky's fourth symphony! I played the fourth movement at music camp a couple of years ago (not an arrangement either) and I had so much fun because I was on piccolo-and I get to play piccolo in youth symphony as well! There's a small streak in me that unfortunately takes some pleasure at getting to torture others with super high piccolo playing! Playing the piccolo, incidently is why I have a large collection of orange ear plugs.

Then, of course, there has been the wind-up of classes. Which for me, also means marking lots of basic skills exams and rudiments assignments. I spent much of tuesday marking basic skills exams from about 1:30 to 5something. I say 5 something because I have no clue...I was all 'skilled out. It got to the point where I would mark one exam and then put my head down on the library table, close my eyes and rest for a minute or two. That was when I decided to just stop, and I would finish them later after my final Intro to Ethno class. Oh, Intro to Ethno...we had a potluck...so between the chocolate bar I bought from a singer-friend as part of their fundraiser to go to Norway/Finland in the spring and then the chocolate things that several of us had made...I was not only skilled out but chocolated out!

I'll take a minute to explain another tradition at the faculty of music, called Kris Kringle-the music student's version of Secret Santa. In our case, we draw a name, and then put crazy tasks for them to do each day on the tree right near the main entrance. I ended up with my close friend's boyfriend as my victim, and let's just say I had a lot of fun :P. Mine certainly had some fun with me...one day, I found a note telling me to rock out to the music on the stereo underneath the tree. When I looked under the tree I found a vintage article from the 1980's or 90's...a genuine Fisher Price tape player/recorder! And the tapes attached were a children's tape, and then a backstreet boys tape. Actually, it was a lot of fun. I think it was monday that I had to skip around singing "We're off to see the Wizard" and inviting people to join me. Our classes wound up on wednesday, followed by Krazy Konsert. Unfortunately, it was a little bit short this year, but involved my close friend having to do some interpretive dance to quite possible the most atonal and irritating piece written before 1000ad with a white sheet tied as a turban, the reading of 'The Composer is dead', and what has become a tradition during Krazy Konsert, a barbershop quartet singing a 'comic-relief' song. Krazy Konsert and Kris Kringle are music student's ways of maintaining sanity during the most stressful time of the year. It's an interesting thing-insanity to maintain sanity. However, it works. Both last year, and then this year, going through the diagnosis period last year and then the grieving period this year, Kris Kringle and Krazy Konsert were also good ways of helping me laugh and relax against the stress of my home life.

I am very fortunate this year to not have any exams, however I do have a final summary report paper due next friday for Intro to Ethno. I decided that I would give myself a little bit of time to rest, and so I'm planning on starting it tomorrow. In the meantime, yesterday I did quite a cleaning/organizing job...of the yarn and fabric and assorted sewing/knitting/crocheting accessories in my house. For years, the sewing closet has been an 'open at your own risk closet'. I started the day only intending to organize the yarn between what I planned to keep and what I am going to donate to a group that make mittens and scarves for charity out of pretty much any yarn, but realizing that there was yarn buried throughout the sewing closet, I ended up emptying it completely. For several hours my living room floor was completely covered in fabric. In the end, I decided to organize things the way I wanted them to be...with the vast majority of fabric downstairs in labelled boxes like my mom had already done for the fabric leftovers. There are BOXES of fabric, plus, five boxes of yarn and three drawers. Add to that the entire large chair piled high with yarn that I am intending to donate (once I get in contact with them to make sure they're still accepting yarn for this year) and I was completely blown over...it was like this house was springing leaks from yarn and fabric factories! I guess the fabric can be tied to my mom's frugality (saving the scraps-wise) and of course, her four years working in a fabric store. The yarn, well, that can be linked to possibly four generations (definitely three) of knitters/crocheters (me being the last one). I wish my mom was here to do projects with me. There are literally a couple of hundred craft magazines, which my mom and I had started going through I think during the summer of 2009...before all of our lives got turned upside down. I started continuing that today...I guess the big task in the end will be organizing everything into binders.

I'm still feeling the effects of going up and down the basement stairs about (not likely exagerating much) one hundred times...just a bit of muscle stiffness in my legs. And I must do some more planning for my Sunrise lesson tomorrow...I'm going to play around with the video and see if I can't edit out any city label showing. If it works, enjoy the Shostakovich and Brahms...and maybe even some of my Wind Ensemble playing a couple of works from the concerts this fall.

Textbooks...

Yesterday, I went online to see if the book list was up yet for second semester (starting in January). It was...but when I scrolled down I nearly fainted. I am taking two non-music history courses, and I discovered that for the two of them I need a total of (hang onto your hats here) NINE TEXTBOOKS. OUCH OUCH OUCH. I haven't been paid for my marking job yet (due to some confusion about my employment, I am only submitting the time sheets this week) but I can see my entire salary for this semester from that going towards that. I hit the book store this morning, and was able to purchase seven of them there, but two of them were still on order-both had been ordered in October, and the clerk said "We have no idea when they'll be in...". With that I decided that I would just look online, and fortunately, Amazon had them (and for a lower price too, probably). I don't like to do that too often though. For one thing, I like to support my local stores, and the university bookstore is pretty awesome (it's kind of a hide-out for me...if I'm stressed after a rehearsal and have some time, I'll go there for 20 minutes or half an hour and just browse and then because I feel guilty and strange about going in and not buying anything I'll buy some 100% post-consumer recycled 3x5" notecards...I think I have about 10 packages of them...). But mostly, I don't want to take the chance that I ordered the wrong edition. It's too hard to tell online sometimes.

I'll admit...I did take advantage of the 20% off general reading and non-fiction book sale (including on bargain books) and buy five fun reading books-four bargain books, and then one that totally wasn't, but I consider it valuable. The non-bargain book is a history of my university. And I can say that I'm the only student at my university right now that can state that the university started in my church! Yes, this is correct. Back in 1877, the first classes of the university were held in a building that was at the time called **** college. In 1988, that building was renovated and moved, brick by brick, over about 250 or 300 feet, where it became part of the new church building. Now it's where we hold sunday school classes. A plaque stands on the wall that I've read almost every sunday since I was five years old, and it means a lot to me. So, this book has two of the most important facilities in my life's history!

Right now, I'm reading two books, one called 'Notes left behind' by Brooke and Keith Desserich, about the valient fight of a six year old girl against DIPG, or Diffuse Brain-stem Glioma, a brain tumour in the brain stem that is over 90% fatal. For more information, check out the foundation that they started, at http://www.thecurestartsnow.org/, or their own personal site, http://www.notesleftbehind.com/. The other book I'm reading is called 'Night Letters' by Robert Dessaix. It, too, is about death-from the back "For twenty nights in a hotel room in Venice, a traveler, recently diagnosed with an incurable illness, writes a letter home to a friend. He describes the kaleidoscopic journey he has just made across northern Italy from Switzerland, while reflecting on questions of mortality, seduction, and the search for paradise. Against a rich background of earlier journeys in literature, notably Mann's 'Death in Venice', Robert Dessaix creates a compelling and ultimately uplifting account of a life enriched by a heightened sense of mortality'.

Don't ask me why books about death are appealing right now. You would think that I would want to read anything but, however, somehow, this is what I am drawn to. During my mom's very last days, I was reading 'Alex: The life of a child' by Frand DeFord, about his daughter's battle against cystic fibrosis and 'The Unwanted' by Kien Nguyen about being an ameriasian child in Vietnam after the departure of US troops in 1975. I would highly recommend both, incidently.

Monday my dad gave me a brief scare, for about four hours. See, during October, he developed this growth on his wrist (my guess is the stress had a lot to do with it). Anyways, we all thought it was a wart, so he made an appointment with his doctor. She said that she didn't do those procedures, and referred him to another family medical clinic. He met with them on monday, where they said it wasn't a wart and so the procedure would have to be different. HOWEVER my dad told me only that part while I was rushing from the faculty to the bus to go to my orchestra practice and didn't tell me WHAT it was. Naturally, then, my first thought is "OH MY GOSH WHAT IF THIS IS SKIN CANCER???????!!!!!!!!!" So, for four hours, I was pretty panicked going PLEASE I CAN'T GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN SO SOON NOT AGAIN!!!!! Until I got back from orchestra and he explained that pretty much the first thing they had told him was "it's not cancer". Let's just say I was VERY relieved.