A 'typical' prairie easter...?

A typical prairie Easter. Our power cut out last night around 12:30am. Yes, I was still up. I was bound and determined to get my laundry put away. I had a Chopin nocturne playing on my stereo and it suddenly stopped. I was working by candlelight, so I didn't know that the power had gone completely out for a second or two. Usually, power comes back on pretty quickly. Well, not today. Today, it didn't come back on until 12:30 pm. So much for the turkey that was thawing in the fridge. It had to go out and my dad's girlfriend K had to bring over the main dish for them. It made me realize just how much we use electricity. I couldn't vacuum, I couldn't do laundry, I couldn't make green tea (the hardest part). Just when I was about to walk a kilometre to Starbucks (because I seriously cannot live without green tea) the power came back on...with a BEEP from our alarm system that made me jump six inches!

Oh...and we also got SNOW again today AND last night. But no, that was not what cut the power out. Oh no, it takes more than a centimetre or two of snow to make Canadian prairies lose their power! Unfortunately, it was not enough snow to fill the potholes. Yes, we have POTHOLES like crazy now. Bad enough that my dad's new car had one of the tires come off the rim last night on our way home from the symphony (Mozart's Requiem-delightful!). Well...that is life. I got my green tea, got to put in laundry and dishes (not having to wash by hand, although I would have done that), got to bake hot cross buns and sweet potatoes...did I mention I got my green tea?! Very essential part of this gal's life. And the heat came back on as well. THAT was nice too, as it was cold-just below 15 degrees C in the house. I survived, but it wasn't exactly warm. Apparently, there were power outages in quite a bit of the city...something about a fire? I still don't know and understand exactly what happened. Just am thankful again for electricity.

The blessing of a power outage on Easter.

Two weeks

Two weeks. I now only have to wait two weeks for the results of my genetics tests. I got phoned this morning to book an appointment. I would have been in within just over a week, except that they kept trying to schedule me for either the last-class-before-an-exam or at the same time as I was writing an exam. I think I annoyed the administrative assistant, but I couldn't help my schedule! I'm a university student, and that week is the start of exam week. April 11th, I find out if I have Turner's and if so, to what degree. My instincts are telling me that I will, even just from the way the phone call was handled. The last time I was tested for something genetic (the hemachromotosis gene), I was told over the phone that I did not carry it. My sister was told over the phone that she did carry it. Of course, that was just being a carrier/not being a carrier, and neither one of us will have any effects from having the gene/not having the gene-my sister only has one copy, so it's like the cystic fibrosis gene for her...no negative effects on her life, although she might pass it on to her children.

I don't think the administrative assistant with the Children's Hospital genetics (everyone, no matter what their age, gets sent there for genetic testing here) centre is used to dealing with University students. Still feel a little bit bad about being so unavailable that week. Can't be helped though. Blame university exam time!

Patience...patience...patience. Please pray with me for patience over the next two weeks, and that I can still concentrate on all that I have to do at the same time!

Why?

That is a question I have been asking myself a lot the past few months. WHY?

We found out yesterday that a former member of our congregation is near death from widespread cancer. They used to live just a block away, I would sometimes babysit their grandchildren...who, thinking about it, are now teenagers. One of those gosh-I-feel-old moments, but if Z was going on three when I was eleven, and I'm 22 now...she would be 13, and S would be 15. D was diagnosed with cancer a few months back, and for a few days we all had hope-my city is fortunate enough to have something called a Gamma Knife, which would treat the cancer in his skull. It was supposed to be localized, but just three days before he was supposed to have the treatment, he had further tests, which revealed that the cancer had completely spread. No hope left. The word from my minister yesterday was that he was pretty much comatose. I know how cancer death happens. Once it's at that stage, it is usually only a day or two.

I'm sick of death happening...I know it's a part of life, but this winter has seemed to be all about death. Since early January-so only two months-there have been five deaths (or will be at any time). First was what we would call a 'good death'...sort of. The death itself was not pleasant, but she was 95 years old, and had Alzheimers. She had lived a full life, and the past few years had been rough. I still hurt for her daughter, a retired school teacher I have known my entire life. And one of the best hug-givers I might add! She has had health problems of her own, relating at least in part to not taking care of herself properly because she was taking care of her parents for at least the past ten and I think closer to fifteen years, even once they entered the nursing home. Okay, and the second one was also similar-the mother of my former Wind Ensemble conductor, I believe she was 89. So, while I do feel a great deal of empathy for these people who are personally special to me, I am at peace with these deaths.

Then come the not-so-good ones. My friend T lost his father in a car accident this winter. He himself was mildly injured, and his brother more severely, although he has recovered pretty well so far. His father was about the same age as my mom when she died from cancer. The difference of course was that he had no time to prepare, and SURVIVED a crash that his father didn't. Talk about survivor's guilt.

And March 6th, the unthinkable happened, when my friend's brother S committed suicide. Did I mention that I'm still feeling haunted by his father's words? I may for a very, very, very long time, especially when I get down so to speak. When I know that there have been countless dozens of days where very, very little got me through. That is what severe depression can look like. I can't say I know exactly what S felt because everyone is an individual, but I can say that I've felt very, very similar. The only difference is that I wasn't successful. Why S and not me? Why I am here when if we really want to get down to exact numbers, S was more successful in life than I with a higher GPA? A family that, again, if it comes down to it, is much closer and more supportive?

And then I ask why? about me. Why can't I have more energy? Why are there no easy answers? WHEN is my blood work from genetics going to come in? 3 months is on wednesday. I am right now very much faced with the strong possibility that because of this low energy and other issues that have made it more difficult to work that I will be graduating in October instead of May. Now, I'm not that upset about that, but it is at the same time. Actually, the main reason I feel upset about it is because so many of my friends are graduating in May and it would be neat to graduate together...but...health has to come first. It's huge though. I feel at times like life is passing me by with my friends, some of whom are younger than me going off and graduating and going to grad school, and I won't be yet. And it's not due to lack of brains or hard work on my part. It's because of my stupid, stupid body that keeps betraying me.

A week or two ago, my weight had dropped a bit. Now it's suddenly rebounded up further than it was. I have a feeling that it's mostly just fluid/distension from stomach issues but it doesn't help the ED brain. And my stomach is uncomfortable. I hate the times when I just feel so strongly that I hate my body. The phrase "Love your body for what it does" doesn't resonate too well when it seems like there is SO MUCH that it IS NOT doing.

I'm tired. I was tired during teaching, then crashed a bit afterwards. I forced myself to do some cooking but it really wore me out, and I started having breathing problems. I hadn't had it that severely for some time, and was glad that no one else was around to see me squatting on a kitchen chair to finish chopping spinach for the vegetable lasagna. The really good thing about today was that I was very, very happy with my students' performances during solo time. Things just seemed to have clicked for most of them in my Sunbeams One class. Funny how just when you are starting to get worried things work out...

And yes, I will be seeing my doctor this week. Domperidone and iron, domperidone and iron...It's obvious that this has now affected my life quite a bit, having to delay graduation. I know it's only a temporary setback...but that doesn't make it particularly easy either.

The past week

Let's just say that the past week has been a bit (a bit?!) disjointed, sad, strange, weird, long, tiring, and most of all COLD. Well, that last bit is mostly for me.

Cold describes me. Warm heart, cold everything else. Take today. We had a bit of a blizzard/snow storm/whatever you want to call it. Being the hearty prairie people we are, my university was of course open and the city buses were of course running. In fact, my buses to and from the university were pretty much on time, and it only took about five minutes longer on either end to get there and back. That's really not bad considering how much snow we got, how low the visibility was, and how windy it was. It was NOT nice out today, especially this morning. We got at least six inches of snow overnight, which is very doable for us, but not exactly pleasant. I had already predicted that there would be fewer people in my Orchestration class this morning because of St. Patrick's day the night before. Well, I was sort of correct. Only two of us showed up on time, two others by the time my professor wanted to start the class. However, by the end of class, we did have eight of us, and I know that the reason my friend R was away was because she is in Toronto for an audition. Seeing so many of my friends doing Master's auditions...and getting in...it almost makes me feel as if I'm being left in the dust because I'm not doing any auditions right now. But then I remember that I have plans, and that right now anyways I wouldn't have the strength to try to do any auditions, let alone start a graduate degree! But there is definitely that longing, and feeling of well, being passed over. Plus, I'm going to miss so many of them when they go off. My friend K is going to Germany, N to Boston. At least my very dear friend B is probably staying right here to do her Master's.

Oh yes, how did I get off that topic. I said that I was so cold. Cold, cold, cold, cold, cold. Even wrapping up in a fleece blanket doesn't always cut it. It certainly didn't yesterday. And I seem to be extra sensitive coming in from the cold. I took my temperature about fifteen or twenty minutes after coming in from my bus (and it is a half-hour ride approximately on the bus from my piano lesson) this afternoon. My temperature was a whopping 95.5 degrees. Talk about chilly. It did go back higher, but that is showing me that I'm not only staying cold most of the time, but I'm extra sensitive to the cold. The bus wasn't that cold itself! And I don't have that long a walk in from the mall where the bus stop is to my house. It was the waiting outside for the bus that got me. Usually, I catch the bus at about 3:54, today it was 4:15 by the time it got to the stop. BRRR. Some of the snow drifts in my yard are almost as tall as I am (57 inches).

The ramblings of a cold, tired, sad person who is going to go to bed now that it is socially acceptable. Really, many days I would seriously crawl into bed at 2pm, 5pm, 8pm...if any of those were socially acceptable times. OR if I lived alone. Perhaps it is good that I don't?

I'm not going to attempt to get into my doctor tomorrow, but will later to get started on the domperidone and investigate some iron supplementation. I doubt that it will hurt, especially as it's been tossed about before. I just need to come in with my agenda and my demands for lack of a better term. Although I DO NOT believe that depression caused any of these symptoms (given that I would call how I felt in July/August-October of 2011-right before symptoms started- as the best I'd felt since I was about six or seven years old) but I could agree that it is secondary depression. BUT I do know that when I saw my ICM on thursday that I was one, really upset from the funeral the day before, and two, in retrospect, quite affected by PMS. I should have known at the time-the only time I ever really feel angry or anything is right before and sometimes the first day.  I even felt like snapping at one of my students on saturday morning, that just doesn't happen. As a weird note, the exam that I wrote at a weird time, in a weird place, with only my section instructor and another fellow graduate/friend of S, when I was feeling already so messed up...turns out to be my best psychology exam mark so far, 38/40, another A+ (I've only gotten A+ in psychology). I finished the psychology online lectures today. Now there is just three chapters to read and take notes on.

So, to bed...

Faith in humanity restored

My faith in humanity was restored today by my section instructor. Not only am I able to write the exam earlier in the day, but I will just write the 40 multiple choice questions, AND she rescheduled my Academic Achievement assignment to a different time that day so that I could still do that (her original suggestion for a writing time was the same time that I was scheduled to do the academic achievement assignment).

If anyone read this and prayed with me so that I could attend the funeral and provide support to his family (not to mention bring some closure to myself despite not knowing him particularly well-he was three years younger than me) THANK YOU. Sometimes, funerals show you who really cares. Of course, sometimes people who really do care are unable to be there, but if I found out that any of the friends who attended my mom's funeral had worked to reschedule an exam so that they could get there, I would be even more touched.

Please...rest in peace S. We all miss you here. Although I know that you must have been in an incredible amount of pain, I so sincerely wish that you had let someone into that pain, because it does lessen over time.

Stupid, stupid, stupid...

That is how I feel about my course syllabus for Intro to Psychology right now.

I found out earlier this evening that S's funeral will be at 2pm on wednesday.

I have a psychology exam at 3:30pm, and it is a 45 minute bus ride from the church to the university. Therein lies the difficulty. More than anything, I want to be there to support S's family, who have supported me so much through my difficult times.

The exact wording in my psychology syllabus is:

MISSED EXAMS

Students who miss an exam will not be permitted to write a make-up test, unless they are granted permission to do so by their Section Instructor. The only valid reasons for missing an exam are: 1. serious illness or injury, requiring hospitalization, 2. bereavement, owing to the death of a close loved one, and 3. a traumatic experience. One of these three types of events must have occurred recently enough to explain the students’ absence from the exam (i.e., the illness/injury, death, or trauma must have occurred within the 48 hours prior to the exam’s day and time). Documentation must be provided in support of such explanations for missing an exam. Moreover, to qualify for a make-up test, any student who misses an exam on account of illness/injury, bereavement, or trauma must make contact with their Section Instructor, by email, before the end of the business day (i.e., by 4:30 PM) when the exam that they missed was scheduled to take place. Only one make-up test will be scheduled for each of the course’s six exams. Make-up tests for the first three exams will be held during the final exam period for the Fall Term. Make-up test for the last three exams will be held during the final exam for the Winter Term. If you are granted permission to write a make-up test, you must make contact with your Section Instructor to be notified as to its date, time, and location. There will only be one opportunity to write a make-up test, and you will not have a say as to the day, time, and location for which make-up tests will be scheduled. Unlike regularly scheduled exams, which will follow a multiple-choice format, the make-up tests for each exam will require written completion of 4 essay questions.

I'm pretty sure that this funeral is not going to count. I sent an email to my section instructor, and am praying for a positive response, but am expecting the worst. Please pray with me on this one. 

Some days...

Some days, you find out that no matter how bad your day is/was, someone else had a much worse day/is having a much worse day. Today was one of those days.

My dear friend D, who I have been friends with since grade seven lost his brother last night. My friend A (D's mom, and one of my 'substitute moms') lost her middle son last night.

S was 19. He committed suicide.

Tired, tired, tired

Yesterday was a challenging day to say the least. It just wasn't my day! From finding out that my blood work was 'normal' (although I must say that my T4 was definitely on the low end of normal if the range was 13-22 and mine was 15) to having to finish a paper (although it is the last 'normal' paper of my degree, all I have left is my major area paper), to getting completely DRENCHED by a truck when walking back to the bus from my rehearsal with my accompanist to not even being able to eat dinner because of time constraints, to having my feet nearly freeze while waiting for the bus downtown at 10pm to go home etc etc...it just wasn't my day.

I am a little bit disappointed that I woke up too late today to go downtown for noon to hear my History of Antisemtism professor speak at the other major university in the city on the topic of Zionism and Israel and other things for...I can't even remember the name of this week. I feel like I've let myself AND my friends/classmates down, although I hear that it will be posted online as well.

Tired, tired, tired. That describes how I feel right now. Yesterday I managed to keep pushing through and going. Take that "it's all in your head" people who would try to say that all my symptoms are because of stress. Funny, because typically when I'm under more stress (ex, the day or two before a paper is due) I have FEWER symptoms-ex, more energy, I don't have any of the breathing problems, I sometimes even get *GASP* small feelings of hunger, no headaches etc. I'm not exactly sure what that means. I don't like those stress days because they are mentally tiring...but they come because on non-stress days (which ARE the VAST majority) I am too tired/otherwise not feeling great to get enough done to prevent the stress days! After getting totally drenched by the truck yesterday I TOTALLY let out a bit of a primal scream. It was somewhat satisfying...

My one festival class is later this afternoon. Time to finish planning my Moonbeams Two class.

You know you look young when...

You are confused for an elementary school student when you go to a church to play your flute to accompany Song for the Mira for an elementary school choir during your city's music festival.

Actually, it was a great experience once again. I did it for this same choir three or four years ago, can't remember which. Pretty sure four years ago though. It's a beautiful piece with a nice flute part, although it does include some trills that are pretty much possible at that speed. I believe that they are written in because it can also be played on the oboe, which would have a much easier time with those particular trills. ANYWAYS...

Listening to decent children's choirs is relaxing. There really is something about a good children's choir that's special, although it is hard to explain. So that was a good thing for today. The adjudicator was none other than M, one of my choir conductors from last year! That was quite a perk as well. M is a wonderful director with WAY more energy than I have and a knack for both children and adults.

Okay, and I'm going to be completely honest and say that my flute ego was boosted quite a bit today by lots of compliments, from M and D (the choir conductor) and all of the folks helping out at the festival...even another choir conductor. M and D REALLY had the compliments for me though...along the lines of "most fabulous flute player in the world". Now, I KNOW that that isn't true, obviously (and how could one even really judge that) but it sure felt pretty good!

Actually, being confused for an elementary school student when you are a 22-year-old fifth-year university student...it's pretty funny. Before D had introduced me to the kids, as we were walking to the warm-up room, some of the kids were debating whether I was a kid or an adult. It was pretty hilarious to listen to. Oh, to have the carefree nature of being ten years old again. My biggest worries at age ten? Being allowed to stay home alone for more than a few minutes at a time, wondering if I would ever grow taller (whoops...), and practising piano. Even making the odd mistake on tests and what-not didn't faze me THAT much. Yes, I was more intense about my grades and worked quite hard, but I wasn't bothered by getting a mark wrong on the health test. For some reason I remember this particular test, and one of the marks that I got wrong...why, might you ask? Because I mislabelled a piece of female anatomy. I confused the 2 'V' portions of the anatomy. Oh well. I most certainly know them now!

Now, I'm working on a paper for my history of antisemitism class. It's on a rather disturbing children's book published in 1936, with approximately 100,000 copies distributed. To be honest, one of the most disturbing parts about the book is simply that it was written and illustrated by a young woman barely past childhood herself-18 year old Elvira Bauer. The link to this book is

http://www.calvin.edu/academic/cas/gpa/fuchs.htm

I also finished an assignment for orchestration today. Hopefully, I did things correctly. I think that I spent about the same amount of time on it, it just feels like I spent less simply because I did it over several days and not just one or two as I did the previous two assignments. It's also due on wednesday.

I should seriously have something on my computer that limits my time on non-beneficial websites to just a few minutes every few hours. I actually do need to have my internet on to work on the paper, that is the problem!

C. Wilson - Celtic Partita

This piece is one of the flute pieces that I am ABSOLUTELY OBSESSED WITH! I listen to it almost everyday, hence why it is over 100 on my Itunes. Of course, my recording is of Laura Barron, but this guy is pretty good too :)

Enjoy.

Feeling like a broken record

Feeling like a broken record, really. If I have one day where there is a little bit more energy and I can get a little bit more done, then the next day, I feel worse. Praying that tuesday 's phone call to my doctor brings the news that I need to hear: "Something is up with your bloodwork, but we can fix it. Can you come in this week?"

I'm tired of feeling tired!!! Things just don't feel right, period. And because I'm such a Type A personality to begin with, not being able to accomplish things is HARD. Especially when there is no definitive reason (so far) as to why it is so. If I got a diagnosis of something serious, I'd actually be okay with it. But I'm sitting, and really have been sitting, in diagnosis limbo for going on a year and a half. Possibly even longer. If things do come back hypothyroid, I'm going to guess that I've had some degree of hypothyroidism for years, probably since my teenage years. It would explain why all the antidepressants that I was on (prozac, celexa, zoloft) didn't help me when they typically have a pretty good success rate. To go through three like that with no changes besides unpleasant physical side effects is decently uncommon.

Mostly, I just miss having energy. I was never a very high energy person, but until around the summer of 2011, I never experienced stuff like this. Even then, it wasn't that bad. Although I might be underestimating things simply because it was summer, and I wasn't working outside of my house or going to university classes. Things are a little bit different when one of your main jobs actually (kidding to no one) is to do a LOT of colouring (this is what happens when you are an MYC teacher!) I never felt like I needed a nap or to lie down unless I was sick or had been seriously sleep deprived (ex, less than 5 hours of sleep). Flash forward to sometime in the mid-fall of 2011. I realize that I'm getting more and more tired, so I cut back on my Seroquel gradually. This doesn't seem to help. Now, I WAS sleep depriving myself to try to get things done. I'm not sure which came first...being tired or sleep deprivation. Unfortunately, even with more sleep, the problems continued, leading to my 'crash' of physical symptoms on December 7th 2011 and the start of this journey.

I'm just tired. If I could kick ONE of the symptoms I have out the window, I would kick the tiredness. Period. I could deal with constipation, NO appetite, dry skin, cold hands and feet, feeling cold most of the time unless I'm wearing extra layers/put on a blanket (even then it's iffy), low body temperature (I saw 97.8 degrees mid-afternoon today and was surprised to see it that high), even needing more sleep if only I could have energy when awake.

Okay, so I could have spent the 10 minutes I spent writing this post working on the paper that is due on wednesday. But sometimes, I have to cry a bit out to someone/something/anything. It helps a little bit...