Additional pain point...

Yesterday evening, I found out that one of the children whose journey I had been following on Caringbridge died. She had a successful bone marrow transplant I think it was 43 days ago, however, about two weeks ago, she developed a host of infections, including CMV, and pneumonia, caused by a rare fungal infection. She had surgery to remove the fungus from her nose and then a full lobe of her lung (because it was so diseased from the fungus) late last week, I think on thursday, and for two days, she was doing pretty well, had actually come down quite a bit on her oscillator and oxygen settings, however, she took a turn for the worse yesterday, and the doctors told her parents that the only thing they could do would be to move her from her crib to a big bed, and have them snuggled up together when they removed the wires and tubes so that they could hold her for the few minutes that she would live without them. Little Paxten Pearson managed to win my heart over although I had only been following her journey for a few weeks, and from afar. I'm not sure why her death is hitting me harder than so many of the other children...I think it's that there was so much hope for two or three days, because she was surpassing all expectations, and then it suddenly changed. She was only 22 months old...

I say that it hit me more today because last night I couldn't actually accept it. I knew it, but I couldn't accept it until it was actually posted on HER caringbridge site and not the site of another little one that I follow (friends of the Pearson family). That was not posted until today.

Her site is www.caringbridge.org/visit/paxtenpearson

Mondays-a source of joy and pain

Today was one of those up and down days. It started out quite well, meaning that today was a mind-over-mattress day, I caught the 7:10 bus, had my tea on the bus, wasn't almost asleep even though I didn't get readings done on the bus, made more tea and went to practice, which went pretty well for about two hours :) Practising to start the day is pretty much my favourite way...it just makes everything go better, especially when assisted by green tea! I didn't react quite the way I usually do to green tea though, by the end of the two hours, I was a mixture of exhaustion and caffeine-high. This led to a bit of what I like to call "Chicken-With-Head-Cut-Off-Syndrome", meaning that people suddenly see me having to say out loud "Okay, class...notebook, pen, where's my tea" and basically spinning around a bit too much, and forgetting things and having to back, that type of thing. Which led to me not getting my philosophy readings done before 20th century of Music. Oh well. The caffeine high left before the end of 20th century, unfortunately, before 20th century, my lungs got just irritated enough (most likely due to a combination of several factors...a bit of rushing around mentally, walking outside to class, and then getting a bit of smoke in the face, although not like last week thank goodness!) and I felt like I had let the muscle/whatever heal enough that I could let myself 'indulge' in a little coughing...and really, it wasn't even THAT much...but whatever healing had gone on was basically cancelled out. I had put my notebooks down in the classroom and gone back out to cough (I don't like to disrupt as much as possible, and given that I have coughed long enough previously to feel slightly nauseous and definitely light-headed, you get the picture). When I came back in, I was in quite a bit of pain again, and almost started crying, not even from the pain so much as from the fact that I had destroyed the healing that had gone on. It felt like I was starting totally back at square one, and in many ways I am.

It is a good thing that I am pretty adept with my left hand, as certain things are too painful right now when attempted with my right hand, like opening doors, turning on faucets, taking down paper towels...it's not a LONG pain, but it's sudden and sharp. I learned that the hard way today more than once. But, I can still play my flute, even if I can't lift up my tea mug with my right hand at this point. And I can still write with my right hand. If I can do those two things, then I am 'okay'.

I also found out that my sponsor child has moved, and so I am now sponsoring another little child. It happens, but it's somewhat ironic that the World Vision Newsletter I read just one or two days ago talked about this very thing!

The other small point of problem today came in drinking too much water/tea. Probably close to 3000mls of fluid today in an 85 pound person who was not exercising much. Whoops. I did a little research and realized that that's probably why I had a mild headache...and why having more water wasn't taking care of it! So, tomorrow, a bit less.

Riding the bus home at 9:15 tonight to downtown I ended up talking with one of my friends :) B is an amazing person and it was nice to catch up a bit alone. So that was a nice way to end my 13.5 hour day at the university. At least I was able to be productive in that space between 7 and 9:15, hopefully by tomorrow evening I will be able to actually start WRITING my paper and not just researching it!

And now, I'm going to go to bed with those books...

Having one of those moments...

You know those moments, hours, days, sometimes even weeks where you just don't feel like you can do things, where you are exhausted in some sort of way, and even if things are going 'well', it just doesn't seem right somehow and you feel extra emotional? Yep, having one of those moments right now. Not really sure why. Perhaps it has to do with the somewhat painful and unproductive-ness of my flute lesson yesterday. I think, overall, I'm just feeling lonely right now, which is stupid, because it's not like I've been isolated from people. Well, okay, today I'm somewhat isolated, given that I stayed up late and didn't go to church again (my goal is for next sunday, when I will have, at the very least, finished the papers for first semester), and my dad is out at something or other. More likely, I just need to have a really long heart-to-heart type talk with a friend. Not just a brief, passing conversation, but where we meet for tea and talk so much we practically lose our voices, and listen so much that we almost can't hear afterwards. I would be lying if I didn't say that there is a lot going on for me right now that I'm dealing with. The reason I keep talking about it is because it's upsetting, unsettling, and on my mind all the time (that's what happens when you either can't take a deep breath or it hurts to so much that you won't).

My flute teacher L actually made a comment that there had been some concerns about my playing...not in note preparation, or even intonation, but in entrances. Talk about this being the wake-up call week. I practically have a list of things to keep track of on my hand...well, I do have a list of the things that people have been telling me the past week that I am keeping near me...

Some of those things on the list...

-watch entrances, have more confidence with them
-two ears, one mouth...
-live more in the present, people don't always understand your past (one of my friends told me that I tend to talk a lot about high school, and that it confuses people...)
-view myself as ME and ME is a complex person, not just defined by whatever is going on (if anything)
-(I can't even believe that I did this...)...leave cellphone in backpack, even if you ARE waiting for an important email during orchestra (one of my section members didn't actually say this to me, but posted something on facebook that night to all people in the ensembles that she was sick of people texting during orchestra or wind ensemble. I wasn't texting, but I did check for that email once near the end when the conductor was working with the strings during one of those sections where I have 30 odd measures of rests and would not be coming in for a long time even if the music was playing. Still, I can't believe I actually did that, and when I saw that post show up in the news feed, I knew it was at least partially directed at me, and I'm sure that my face was flaming behind my computer screen.

Let's just say I'm not feeling at my peak right now. A bit lost in things, feeling that vulnerable little-girl feeling, wanting a protective hug, you get the picture.

And yet, it's times like this when I feel guilty for feeling lost or hurting, because I follow stories of other families going through so much worse of situations, such as the family of little Noah, who is so incredibly ill with end-stage mitochondrial disease...

www.prayingfornoah.com

I guess it's almost a form of survivor's guilt. I am grateful for my life, but I feel horrible about myself when I feel bad because it's a struggle at times...a bit of a paradox.

Frustrations...

Yes, I am frustrated right now. I am frustrated with myself most of all, for having so much work to do. I am completely frustrated with the smoker that blew their smoke directly in my face on tuesday. And here is why:

Tuesday, after Wind Ensemble rehearsal, I decided I would be more productive staying at the university until I had to bus home for a piano lesson, so I went over to the main library and actually was productive (perhaps aided by the Starbucks green tea...). Everything was great, I really wasn't coughing much and I got some work done. On my way back to the Faculty of Music to heat up some dinner, I decided that, since it was dark out, I would walk the bus route, where it is better lit, and has lots of people around. I should have walked the dark route...I walk past one person, and at that exact moment, I get a face-full of smoke blown directly onto me, right as I happen to be breathing in as well...I started coughing like crazy, and basically didn't fully stop for about fifteen minutes. Later that evening, I noticed a bit of pain around my ribs, but it wasn't too bad, so I ignored it. However, wednesday morning, I had another crazy coughing fit...30 times in a row (or thereabouts). I DEFINITELY sat down for that one, and was glad that I was not completely 'alone' persay...I was actually just outside my friend L's practice room. I didn't think all that much of it at first, but as I continued on during the morning, and then into the afternoon, I noticed some pretty sharp pain in that same spot when I was breathing in, and coughing was quite painful...so was any attempt at laughing, or clearing my throat. A brief remembrance of something flashed into my brain, and I did a little checking online after my philosophy class...and noticed that my symptoms were fitting with that of a possibly cracked rib. My increased risk of osteoporosis (due to the many years that I battled an eating disorder during my childhood and adolesence-the peak bone-building years) made me even more concerned. I gave a phone call to a 24/7 service that lets you speak with a nurse to help figure out what direction you should take in medical care, and she suggested that I should get checked out within a day or two. Because it had been pretty much impossible to play, I figured that I should get it done sooner rather than later, so she gave me some walk-in clinics nearby the university. I bussed down to one, and got even more frustrated. The waiting was one thing, that I could tolerate, but the doctor saw me for about 2 minutes tops, and basically said "I don't see much bruising, and you're 21, you wouldn't have cracked a rib just from coughing". I was frustrated, because I really wasn't able to explain that the pain really felt in some ways like it was under, well, some tissue that might come in useful someday (and would therefore be hard to see) and that I had an increased risk of low bone density and osteoporosis...even at 21. My own doctor would have realized this, but, as with many doctors, it is very hard to get into see her, and given that I am an instrumentalist, I didn't want to be taking chances with my ribs. So, no x-ray was run. Thankfully, I was able to play in orchestra that evening, although I missed my choir rehearsal for the pointless appointment. I wasn't even told the doctor's name, that's how messed up that appointment was. I don't know about how, but I like to know the name of the doctor or nurse that is taking care of me, even if it is a 2-minute visit at a walk-in clinic at 5pm. Just a simple greeting, ex, "Hi, I'm Dr. Jones, what brings you here today/what can I do for you?" It doesn't exactly take long to say that...

Fortunately, the pain is much better than it was on wednesday. It still is uncomfortable to take a deep breath, and coughing...yikes, that hurts. So, I've been suppressing the cough as much as I can. When I can't resist it any longer (a mild grimace there because I just yawned a bit, and that hurts), I have found that, even though it looks really, really strange, the least painful way to do so is to actually hold onto some of the sore area on my ribs and press slightly (not too much, as they are still quite tender...or rather, the muscle is still quite tender). Rolling in bed and things like that hurt still, but I am very glad that I most likely do not have a cracked rib. I say that only because in my mind, I wouldn't have that confirmation unless I actually got an x-ray read. If it's still bothering me by wednesday, I will see my own doctor. In the meantime, I am now in a bit of a catch-22...the coughing. Not coughing protects the muscle from getting hurt further, but not coughing might not be good for my lungs. They do say that 'the cough is the watch-dog of the lungs'. Although it really isn't a productive cough, it's possible that it's doing something to protect them. The nurse did warn me that I still need to keep taking deep breaths, but I admit, I haven't been doing that nearly as much as I should. Not breathing deeply often enough can sometimes lead to the build-up of fluid in the lungs, resulting in infections.

Some of my friends have given me some wake-up calls this week, things that I didn't even notice. I am grateful for them, and for the wake-up calls, although it might have been nice not to have everything so close together...it has been quite a bit to take in. And, don't get me wrong, it really isn't huge stuff, but wake-up calls from four of them in the space of 3 days. Well, that is life sometimes. One of them said that lately, I seem like I'm really viewing myself as a sick person. That might be true, although I definitely do see myself as a student and teacher and what-not. My feeling on that statement is just that, well, this whole thing, whatever it is, really is somewhat disconcerting...whether it turns out to be something, or whether it was all just a stress reaction. Because I don't feel like I can talk to my dad or sister about this, I guess I have been turning to those people around me a bit more, and perhaps too much. Sometimes it's a fine line. With the way everything publicly happened (orchestra episode and now the continued coughing and such) I guess part of me feels like I need to explain things too...have friends/colleagues share in the joy parts (like getting cleared to go to the gym, although I'm not about to try that this weekend...) and the pain parts. Again, balancing act I guess...there is more to my day than how my cough or energy or whatever is, I certainly think of my day as more than that, there are classes, practising, teaching, rehearsals, recitals, all those things, if a friend asks "What's up?" or something of that sort, I definitely can give more than a medical report! Yes, the coughing is pretty obvious, my joke right now to people is that 10 to 1, if they hear someone coughing around the FoM, it's me...that and that I can always be heard coming. Although less so now that I'm holding back on coughing, which isn't really an easy thing...taking things slightly slower does help, but is impractical.

Hopefully, the catch-22 is going to resolve quickly...if I need to cough to keep my lungs functioning, then I need to stop feeling the sharp pain. If the coughing doesn't really need to happen, then as the muscle heals over the next few days, I won't need to cough and things will maybe be more normal...

Glad I have a flute lesson tomorrow...I need some L-encouragement...right now, I am feeling rather discouraged.

Echocardiogram

Today was my echocardiogram. A little bit uncomfortable and long, but not a problem. I will not, however, know the results for at least a couple of weeks, and possible up to a month! It was actually kind of interesting, seeing everything, and the technician was fortunately willing to talk about what he was doing and what we were seeing. Pretty cool, although I naturally would not be able to tell if anything was wrong! All things told, it was actually easier on me doing this test then doing the EKG's. For one thing, the room was darkened.

I found out from the technician that it's probably the latex in the EKG pads that caused my reaction. He said that it was important that I know that...latex sensitivities can develop over time, which would explain why I didn't react before (such as during the 24-hour Holter monitoring when I was 13). But, it can get worse, so I should have it noted on my medical record (ex, if I needed emergency surgery sometime it would be important for the surgeons and nurses to wear latex-free gloves).

That's about all.

Week so far...

Monday was the stress test, which went okay...

Okay in that the tracing was fine (no arrythmias while exercising)

Not okay in that my heart rate was 185 beats per minute walking at just over 3 miles per hour...
This from a young woman who until mid-November was running 3, 4 miles several days a week. I used to get that heart rate when I was RUNNING at more than 7miles per hour.

Okay in that I got clearance...with caution...to go back to the gym if I feel up to it!

Not okay in that I am now apparently allergic to the gel in the electrode pads that they use to do EKGs. Yes, when the cardiac tech removed them, I had red circles where all the electrodes were! This later turned into small, raised dots. Fortunately, they were not itchy.

Okay in that I didn't really start coughing/having difficulty breathing during the test...but this was actually perhaps something that would have been GOOD to have trouble with! (During the test that is).

Not okay in that my intense modesty made it very hard for me to let the cardiac tech put the electrodes on my chest. Yes, the tech actually had to tell me flat out that I was making it more difficult for her, because I kept moving the gown back whenever she put one on. Which led to the typical 'distracting conversation'...you know, what do you do, are you in university, what do you study, where did you go to high school...this led to finding out that she used to work with the wife of the vice-principal of my old junior high/high school (cue music : "It's a small world after all")

Not okay in the ultimate awkwardness question..."Is that your mom out there in the waiting area?" Something I did NOT anticipate hearing! I suppose I handled it pretty well, I took a second to collect myself (let the shock wear off a bit) and said "No, I took the bus here alone".

Not okay in that I had to miss both my 20th century music class and my Philosophy of Music class. Did I mention that I hate missing classes? (Well, okay, I tolerate it pretty well for Music Festival, but that's about it!)

The best part about the whole experience was getting the clearance to go the gym, and then reading an email from my 1st semester 20th century of music one professor that said that I got a B+ in the course. Not bad at all considering the disastrous midterm!

It has been very cold (sometimes -30 or lower, with a frigid -40 or lower wind chill) this week, and it definitely seems to have irritated my lungs. Going outside, especially if I start rushing a bit seems to start the coughing. Not always, but a good percentage of the time. I try to avoid coughing, it is not a productive cough, it hurts (I think sometimes I am breaking small blood vessels...), and worst of all, it is often hard to stop and I get quite light-headed. Needless to say, it is unpleasant and disconcerting. It sounds a bit like a broken record of a seal barking (think: deep cough). The broken record comment was from a friend (lol!). Activity inside sometimes seems to start it up too...like going downstairs to the washroom during the break of Wind Ensemble or Orchestra rehearsal. Yes, the washrooms in the building we rehearse in are seemingly a kilometre away...so during the start of the second half of rehearsal, I tend to come back coughing (and gasping...). My first discovery that the coughing would and could make me light headed was on tuesday during the Wind Ensemble break. I was about to go up the stairs when I couldn't 'resist' any longer, and so started...10 times in a row. It was enough to concern one of my fellow Wind Ensemble players! (and me for that matter). Orchestral coughing wasn't so bad on wednesday, but that was because I used sheer will to limit myself to 7-8 in a row...and I let my fellow flute/oboe players know that they didn't need to be concerned until I passed that number, but that at 10, I had gotten quite lightheaded.

The main issue with coughing was today...it was sectionals for wind ensemble. The first half of the sectional, we mostly just hung out and relaxed...yes, you can chide us about this, but we were tired, and needing some musician con-fab. I also mention that from 11:30-12:30 we had a flute sectional...and we were productive during that one! (The 1:15-2:15 part was a flute/oboe sectional). So, I was NOT outside, NOT being active...I wasn't even really playing. At 2:15, we were to join the clarinets in the next room over...this involved moving some chairs and stands. So, I moved a chair. And that set off the craziest of coughing/breathing episodes I've ever had, including the time I had bronchitis so badly when I was 17. It was very hard to stop, I was getting light-headed, in between the coughing, I was gasping...I actually left the room and sat down with my head between my knees while the rest started under the direction of one of our guest clinicians. I did come back in after a few minutes, but kept coughing throughout, which was not fun, and also made my stomach jumbled and hurt. When leaving the room at 3:30, I ended up coughing 13 times in a row...not good.

Right now I want to cough, but I won't. Just trying to 'belly breathe' instead of 'shoulder breathe', which I tend to do when I'm having difficulties.

Tomorrow, I go for my echocardiogram. The cardiologist doesn't seem to think that it's my heart, but my question is, if it's not valve issues, then what? That tachycardia/breathing was NOTHING like the panic attacks I had infrequently in high school. And, I hadn't had one in YEARS. As in, not since high school. PLUS, I was feeling so well in control of things! Yes, heart murmurs can be completely innocent, but I had never had one before at any point, not even when I was quite sick or stressed in the past. And how would the stomach issues fit in? All of these things had never happened before, not even during my most stressful times, called 2nd semester of 2nd year, and then 1st semester of 3rd year. I was pushing myself even harder during 2nd semester of 2nd year, and going through even more! Physically, I was also hurting myself...2nd semester of 2nd year was quite the peak of my eating disorder symptoms. I was frequently skipping meals, purging was often at least once or twice a week...so, if this was stress-related, why on earth didn't it happen then? Why now, when I was in a much better place, and truly embracing things and highly positive? What about that incredible fatigue? NEVER have I experienced anything like that before...again, not even when I was at my sickest with bronchitis when I was 17, or with the ear infection when I was 13, or the stomach bugs I had as a child. And that's about all I have to compare to, given that I don't remember the whooping cough I had when I was 4 years old...but from the sounds of it, I was still a lot sicker this past december/january.

Whatever happens, this is God's plan for me, and I am not alone.

On a good note, my friend N.W. from high school completed his radiation treatments on tuesday! Our prayers need to be with him and his family that the radiation/chemo combination has worked to eliminate, or at least shrink significantly, the tumour on his brainstem. With my knowledge of brain tumours, I know that the odds for anything long term are not great, even with a grade one tumour as he has...but that doesn't mean that I won't pray that it is his path to be healed and continue along the life that a 21-year-old man should be living...working, studying, and just plain enjoying life! NW has a good outlook, and gives me strength too.

"Feeling sorry for myself gets me nowhere and gets nothing done"

Best position for breathing?

And...it seems that the easiest way for me to breath is when I am bending over...I discovered this randomly tonight when I was practising. It was a trick that my former flute teacher L. used to have me do on a regular basis...bending over and playing a passage. Low and behold, whatever that position did, until I started getting dizzy from too much blood rushing to my head, I was able to breathe a LOT more normally, for a lot longer. I'll have to remember it as a temporary quick-fix...

When I say bending over, I am not kidding. I am standing up, and then bending at the waist so that my head is almost at the ground (allowing enough space for my arms to hold and play my flute). I do not even remember WHY this position works for helping a flute player out (but it does have something to do with breathing). I will have to ask L about it...

Lungs

I don't know if my lungs are just reacting to the cold or if there is more going on...after coughing quite hard and deep but really non-productively earlier today, my lungs hurt, and it's harder to breath (tighter/hurts a little bit more to try to breath deeply). Coughing might help, but it hurts too...
Right now it's not at the point where I would get it checked out, but I will keep an eye on it. I obviously do not want to come down with bronchitis or worse now!

I ended up not having a coaching today for small ensemble...because my instructor was in a minor car accident this morning :( Fortunately, she SAYS that she is okay, but I really don't know any more details than that. I will be praying for her, and I hope that her car...and anyone else...is okay too.

Sigh. I had to tell my philosophy of music professor that I was not able to be in class this coming monday. Did I mention that I HATE missing classes? But, I have to do it. I have horrific thoughts about 'flunking' my stress test on monday, meaning that I faint or something doing it. Again, this is my imagination being stupid. Still, if anything were to go wrong, being in a heart testing place in the middle of a hospital is pretty much the best place for it to happen.

Orchestra sectionals, snow, and other aspects of wednesday

Wednesdays are generally long days at the university for me, and today was no exception. I did sleep in until almost 9:30 but was on the bus at 10am for my 11:30 20th century of music class. Breakfast went okay today, but after that eating was random. I basically have not been feeling any hunger cues for several weeks now...eating breakfast at 9:30, I then didn't really realize that I should eat until after 3pm, and that was only from looking at the clock and going "I guess I should eat lunch/dinner/something".

Thankfully, I was able to get in contact with both of my flute instructors...L.R by hanging around the room she was teaching in (her new favourite phrase to me is "Stop stressing about your stress test!"), and then L.Rd (yes, they do have the same initials, and very similar sounding first names just to make things confusing!) by phoning after orchestra.

Orchestra tonight was sectionals, and as a strange coincidence, we had the flute instructor who retired last year, J, come in to lead it. I say strange coincidence because of the conversation we had afterwards, which I figured we would end up having either before, during the break, or after. See, about a year and a half ago, J had surgery to replace one of his heart valves. Even though the flute world is small, J had not heard about my 'incident', but he knows now! As he said tonight, many people live their whole lives with leaky valves. I already knew that, but at the same time, it was reassuring to have some degree of calmness from someone who has dealt with what I might have wrong. Overall, today was a bad breathing day, which I think was made worse by the normal January temperatures. As I told my friends, if I ever start to run/rush/hurry/whatever in this cold of weather with my body the way it is right now, they must stop me! Case in point, I felt I was running a bit slow getting to orchestra this evening (I really wasn't though...), so I hurried-not even running-from the one music building over to the one that the choir rehearses in. Not even that far...basically a 5 minute WALK across campus, max. So that was maybe 3 minutes of moving quickly. BAD idea. I got into the building, and yikes, things were pretty crazy for a few minutes. I at least had time to get things closer to normal...glad that my friend D's mom was not there yet to see that! See, she is an emergency room doctor, and would probably have some words to chide me with!

I wish I could run...I MISS running. It used to be one of my stress-reducers, going to the gym, and running on the track, or biking for a while with a good book...or studying. And now, even with recovering quite a bit, things like more than one flight of stairs at a time is challenging, I can't run between buildings let alone run on a track, and carrying my backpack is hard. I have, in fact, resorted twice in the past week to dragging it around one of the music buildings...now, here's where everyone can scold me again when I say that my backpack was over 20 pounds when I weighed it the other day. I really have tried to weed things out, but my music folder weighs a fair amount, things like a water bottle and travel tea mug add up, I do have to have my notebooks and folders for class, pens, tea...today I needed to haul my Moonbeams One teacher's manual around so that I could lesson plan between Philosophy of Music and choir rehearsal. And I admit that that weighs quite a lot, but less than the Taruskin 20th century of Music textbook that I decided to leave at home.
Here's where clarification needs to come in that more than 20 pounds of a backpack is really not great for me...weighing in at 85 pounds yesterday, that's about 25% of my weight...much higher than the 10-15% that it should be limited to. Sigh. It's sad that I really only should be carrying 8-12 pounds...that's so little...

My back was bothering me a bit today, probably psychosomatic upon finding out how heavy my backpack was!

We had quite a bit of snow today, which is quite normal. Just abnormal for the winter we have been having so far. It's quite beautiful...until you have to go outside in it! Or have someone sit down beside you on the bus and start brushing the snow off their coat and onto you. Bus etiquette. Sometimes, riding the buses annoys me.

20th century one-finished!

Well, 20th century one is FINISHED. I am no longer carrying the equivalent of 20 credit hours on the go, it is now down to 17 credit hours. Hopefully within a week, that will be down to the 11 credit hours that I am actually supposed to be doing this semester. 20 credit hours is WAY above what most students, even taking full course loads take. Actually, 9 credit hours is considered a full course load, most take 12-15, and 15 is often pushing it. So having to finish up 9 credit hours while battling various things is not easy.

So, I did write the 20th century exam this morning. The listening excerpts were quite easy to identify-all that listening on the bus everyday at least once a day since the midterm really worked. I got everything within a measure (or thereabouts...I have no clue what time signature the works were in, I didn't need to know that part). The theory part, well, mostly it was okay, although on my 12-tone matrix, I kept having to white things out. But I think I got it in the end...the only part that tripped me up was 'cardinality', something that was really not covered in class or in the textbook. I also got my essay back...the one that I did a stupid-all nighter and ended up with a miserable stomach/whatever else after taking an hour nap early in the morning and then having to battle that while writing the rest of the paper. The good thing was, I got 91% on it, and the ending paragraph that I felt was horrible was noted to be "well put" by my professor (that part really shocked me).

The strangest thing about today is that despite staying up late and getting up early for the exam...resulting in the 5-ish hours of sleep, and then writing the 3 hour exam, I had a bunch of energy for wind ensemble at 1:00 this afternoon. More than I have really felt since perhaps early December, before things went crazy. So, I'm quite puzzled! My breathing still wasn't amazing, and eating today has been, shall we say, very random (dear Prof. B...if you find any stray cheerios in your office where I was put to write the exam, I apologize!). 'Breakfast' was eaten in the half-handful of bran flakes before I left my house (think a tablespoon worth), a few cheerios before starting the exam along with green tea, and then cheerios eaten randomly throughout the time that I was writing the exam. Dinner? Well, I cut a piece of cheese around 7:30, I think, and had one of those chocolate caramels my student H. gave to me...

I was actually able to, guilt-free, listen to some music on the bus that was NOT for my studies! Meaning that right now, for today only, I did not have anything on my ipod to listen to for my courses, as it was only posted online this evening. No 20th century after I finished the exam, and opera history was finished-examwise-a while ago now. It was a strange experience, deciding what I wanted to listen to, instead of what I needed to listen to...

My mail today told me that I have a stress test next monday...at 1pm. Something about this hospital that is doing the tests on me, they book everything at 1pm, on MWF...sigh. I have to miss BOTH my 20th century class, and my Philosophy of Music class AND I have to reschedule my flute lesson. I already phoned my flute teacher, but she hasn't gotten back to me yet. Actually, I dialed her number while I was still reading the letter...as soon as I saw the January 16th, 1pm time, I cringed and picked up my phone...I hate having to miss classes, hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it...but this has to be done, so I have to do it. Just wish I could have been consulted on this...they just TOLD me, didn't ask at all. All the others, I have had SOME say in them.

Well, that was today. Tuesday is almost over. Time for more 20th century and philsophy and what not...

Aaron Copland- Appalachian Spring part 2 Allegro

My Wind Ensemble at University played this first semester of my third year...well, we played an arrangement for Wind Ensemble, some of which our conductor (who is quite good at it) had arranged. There are many places where there is, again, that emotionally-stirring-ness (for lack of a better term). If memory serves me correctly (and while much of that day is CRYSTAL clear, I cannot remember all of it), we rehearsed Appalachian Spring QUITE a bit on November 2nd, when my heart was truly, truly in a hospital room 21km away (yes, that is the distance from the university to the hospital my mom was at...I once measured the distance from my house to the university, and the hospital was about 1km away-visible from our back yard) and not on the music. And this music made my heart be torn even more.

Pieces that remind me of my mom...October by Eric Whitacre

One of the pieces that always reminds me of my mom is October, by Eric Whitacre. My university ensemble played it during the second semester of my second year of university, when my mom was very ill with cancer, and going through chemo, surgery and a variety of other treatments for problems that kept cropping up (low potassium, needing blood transfusions, bladder/kidney issues resulting in catheterization, and the craziest one-when her left lung pleura filled with 5 litres of fluid...we never found out what could have caused that one)

At that time in my university career, my rehearsals were on tuesday evenings (and thursday afternoons at 4, but we didn't really rehearse the pieces then...it's a long story). I would usually be at the university for about 13.5 hours on tuesdays, and with my mom going through everything, and me not having a cell phone at that point to be contacted in case of an emergency, those 13 or more hours definitely stretched themselves out pretty crazily. Naturally, in pieces that tend to be more emotional, I would start thinking of my mom. October is definitely one of those pieces. Despite what my friend D (a composer) thinks, I personally think that it is both beautiful AND well composed.

October By Eric Whitacre

Back to school, day three.

Day three today. Better then yesterday. I still needed to rest in between my classes, and seeing as there was not any couch space, I made my own 'comfy spot'...by putting my coat over my backpack and leaning against that in front of the hall in the Faculty of Music. It was actually pretty comfortable (to me at least). I did close my eyes, and then I heard my friend E saying "Are you okay?" (E knows what's been going on, and was in fact in the orchestra during my less-than-stellar moment). Turns out that I wasn't looking so great there! Oh well. It still gave me a little energy boost, enough to get through Philosophy of Music without too much concern. Better than my friend J, who I definitely saw with his eyes closed for a good chunk of time!

Philosophy of Music should be interesting...except for my friend C (the one who had to get an EKG the other day for which I joked with my dad "What is R. L (the orchestra conductor) poisoning us with?" as she plays trumpet in orchestra...it is not a large orchestra and given that we are all young, it is somewhat unusual to have two people with no prior heart stuff have stuff go wrong in the space of a month), we are all beginners. C is not, having taken lots of philosophy courses in Law.

Well, off to a friend's recital...with sparkly shoes!

Two days back...

Well, that is two days back. My confidence yesterday was boosted by two things: One, I was able to take notes for an entire hour-long class without my hand shaking like crazy, and two, I was able to get through my orchestra rehearsal. I have found that I tend to balance 'good' days with more challenging days, and today has been more of a challenging day. I was woken up by a pretty bad headache, but not really like any I've had before. Tylenol mostly kicked it, but I basically could not eat. Yes, I was finally able to eat 'breakfast' during my Wind Ensemble break at 2:30. Today has been a bad day for eating, so I am naturally more tired right now, and wasn't able to give my full exuberance to my dad's birthday dinner. For yes, it is my dad's 63rd birthday today! We went out, along with my sister, to our new favourite restaurant, a vegan burger place. I was able to eat most of the actual burger part (I ordered a thanksgiving burger, which has some sort of potato burger, along with sweet potatoes, cranberries, 'gravy', and onions), but couldn't eat most of the bun. Still, given that I had basically consumed one cup of dry cheerios, diet 7up, half a cup (125 mls) of green tea, 300mls of red tea, and two raspberry fig newton bars since I woke up at 8am, this wasn't too bad at all. Especially as I had been feeling pretty sick before ordering but figured I would try. Well, it worked. Now, I need to go to bed! It's horrible, because I have papers and an exam still for first semester, and I have second semester already going on, so I have readings I really want to do before my class tomorrow, but at the same time, I'm exhausted. I HATE having to put the equation like this papers/reading/studying/practicing< sleep. NOT how I like to see it...

Hacking.

Honestly! Today I went online to my Visa Debit account and found out that I have been hacked-fortunately for only $26.32, but still! That was half of what was in my account in the first place. I certainly did not make any payments to an Islamic Centre in Austin, Texas. I changed my password and pin immediately, and went hunting both on the online site for information, and in my written booklet. Nothing about what to do should something like this happens. Given that CAA is closed today, I will probably go over tomorrow to close the account. This is incredibly frustrating! I have a small, relatively fixed income, and the main reason I use the Visa Debit card anyways is for ordering materials for my MYC classes.

It just amazes me that people will do these things. Did they not anything in kindergarten? I guess there is just a different feeling to things...if you can't see someone, who cares? A credit card number has no face, nor does a random email address.

Rough start, but it's gotten better.

It was a rough start to the new year...I was too emotional to go to bed until after 1am, so I fell asleep perhaps a bit around 2am, and didn't fully wake up until about noon. Sigh on that part. I did wake up around 9am, with my dad telling me that he had a stomach virus or something and thus would not be going to church, which is the main reason I slept so late. Well, that and that I obviously needed to sleep 10 (!) hours. Or more. I was still quite tired when I got up, but could not imagine that I had slept that late...I have pretty much never done that. The last time I remember doing that was when I was 9 or 10. Sigh. I want to be a 'normal' adult and do well with 7-8 hours, I can't be living on what a 10 year old or even younger needs for sleep! When I sleep this late, I get super messed up with eating as well, which just worsens everything, it's a vicious cycle. Because I cannot see myself eating a meal past say, 8pm, so I end up just eating two meals a day...but then I'm more tired, but to eat better, I need to sleep less, you get the picture.

So, I have secluded myself a bit in my room, and am trying to avoid my dad, which is somewhat hard-generally when someone in my family or friends if we are on a trip is ill, I am the one right there. BUT, given how out of the blue that previous cold was, and is still lingering slightly, I have a feeling that my immune system is probably a bit run down, and with whatever going on with my heart, I don't want to put anything else into the mix. Especially not a stomach virus.

The good ending is that two of my friends just got engaged! I am so happy for them! An engagement or a birth always makes me incredibly joyful! I've known them both for years-one since grade seven, the other since grade eight (they are one year behind me). Both played french horn in the junior and high school, and they are wonderful people.

Just waiting to hear from another friend about when she delivers her fourth child-the first boy! She is now overdue by a couple of days, so we are praying for a very smooth, easy delivery...especially as her children have gotten progressively bigger...her first daughter was 8pounds, the second was 9.5 pounds, her third was 11pounds, 1 oz...so we are not wanting ANY bigger!

Perhaps I should go to bed now, on a really good note. I actually am planning to...besides, I need to get back into a habit of waking up earlier, and given that I seem to need so much sleep, that means going to bed earlier.

May tomorrow bring great joy and happiness as well.

Happy New Year

Okay, so for me, the new year is still 12 minutes away. But, I thought I'd write now.

Today has been a bit of a challenging day for me, physically a bit, emotionally a lot. Just having a 'moment', with realizing how soon things start back up, and being really concerned that it's not going to be possible for me to do everything that I love so much. I sent off an email to my choir conductors letting them know that, while I was pretty sure I could handle choir, I was probably going to have to be sitting for more of the rehearsal (not being a huge fan of fainting and having come very close to it on Christmas Eve at my sister's church...while holding a lit candle...yikes!). Then, I updated my wind ensemble conductor that I still wasn't fully back to normal yet.

May 2012 be a better year than 2011...

My resolution is about balance, and improving health in all aspects of my life. Right now, I have to focus on getting back to normal, which even means gaining about three pounds. This is where the old eating disorder voice comes in. And it has been HARD gaining weight. This is even with all the chocolate I have been eating the past couple of weeks (strangely enough, chocolate has been something that does not bother my stomach...or maybe it does? I hope not!).

What will this year bring? I don't yet know, but I know that it will be the year that God has planned for me.