Because all I have down for my concert report due tomorrow is some handwritten things. Because I have been running myself down into the ground again. Because I can't seem to concentrate to get this concert report done, even though it is really not that challenging of an assignment. Ex, right now in my brain it has been transformed from a 2-3 page double spaced paper worth oh, 13.3% of my grade to a 20-page final term paper worth 40% of my grade. It's stupid, I'm hurting myself by staying up later, and later, and later NOT getting work done...
To say that this has been a challenging week would be correct. To say that I am glad it is almost over would also be correct.
To say that I still find things to smile about and laugh about would be correct as well. I am looking forward to the 'morning', so long as I finish this concert report. It's the MYC teacher's brunch, which is always a highlight of my month, and I look forward to playing my flute again, and seeing my friends and colleagues. I really look forward to hopefully getting a hug or two tomorrow. I could use them...
I might give my ICM A. a call tomorrow. This week has been a bit more than I can handle alone, so to speak. I can't be superwoman, because she doesn't exist. My friends are great and all, but some of what's been going on in my mind is a bit more than I really feel I should put on most of them. And so many of them are in a big stress heap themselves right now, it's called MIDTERMS (and other stuff).
I lost another student today...it seems like my families have not been having the best of times recently, lots of family illness and deaths. I hope that this trend does not continue! Losing students is HARD. Not just in that my monthly income drops significantly with each student that leaves, but in that I form a deep attachment with each one. I care for them all a lot, even though I only see them once a week. I knew this about myself going in, having worked with the kids at the daycares for two summers, and how hard it was to leave and what-not. But, at least with the students that have left, there is always the possibility of resuming lessons at another point. Both of the girls who have withdrawn were enjoying lessons quite a lot until very recently, and both sets of parents made it known that they are hopeful about restarting lessons at some points. In terms of my income, well, that's pretty much dropped by 20%. Budgeting differently, here we come. Not really much to save each month, when I take off the bus pass, phone bill, and World Vision child sponsorship (which I am NOT going to stop). However, there are many families in much more challenging situations than I am in.
I put up three new sparkly-marker cards on my wall tonight
1) Repeat as needed! ...I can do this... I can do this...I CAN do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2) The more you put into something, the more you get out of it! Put lots into everything you do.
...and finally...a thought that has been keeping me going (to a degree)...
3) If I got through 2nd year, I can get through anything. I am stronger than I think.
(The last part is...or so my friend B. tells me).
I don't feel very strong right now. I feel weak, lazy, sick, lonely, sad, worried, nervous, stressed, TIRED, frustrated, angry (at myself).
At least 'chicken with head cut off syndrome' is making less of an appearance since I really started to focus on that One Thing At A Time, even if it is as simple as focusing on walking across the building, or filling my water bottle, or making tea.
And now, having gotten some of this off my chest, I think I can perhaps focus on getting some words down for the concert report. I know that I am putting WAY too much stress and pressure on myself, and that the perfectionist in me is going INSANELY CRAZY right now. I must work to tame that perfectionist back into a good state of productivity. It's all about balance...
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