Life, I guess

The past few days have been somewhat on the low side of things...just feeling quite down, when I should be feeling up. I think I can understand some of the reasons...like yesterday evening, I got an email from my flute teacher that she had had to fly out back east because her father (same age as my dad, which is perhaps part of why it hits SO close to home) who survived cancer but was left with many health conditions/side effects as a result wasn't doing well at all. So yes, I am feeling that helpless feeling. And that feeling that my dad could easily be taken from me came back into full force. These days, the thought of my dad getting very ill or dying is absolutely heart-wrenching...even more so then when I was young and worried about him. Even more so then when he was not taking care of himself very well and my mom was so, so, so ill (September-ish of 2010).

And then there was just this feeling on my part of this whole lack of self-confidence thing with my teaching this week. Maybe it's just because it's the first week back.

I know that my ICM would say that things might be a bit better if I was at my prescribed dose of seroquel. Well, possibly that's true, but there's the whole issue of the increased sleeping time that comes with adding on seroquel. Even if I just take the slightly-bigger section from when I cut the 100mg tablet in two (with a knife, attempting to make it exactly half as it is not scored), I tend to be more tired in the morning and/or sleep longer. Classes are starting back up, teaching is starting back up...the university system was not designed for a person to need to sleep 9 or 10 hours a night, but that seems to be what my body needs and it drives me crazy. Take today, I slept for about 8 1/2 hours, yet I was still tired when I woke up (after falling back to sleep instantly after shutting off the alarms). The other day with 7 1/2 hours was the same thing, so it's not an issue of 'too much sleep' in the sense that I am sleeping too long and therefore being more tired. It is just so frustrating.

Well, guess I can help one thing...and that is going to bed now...