I’m very worried that mom might have cancer. There, I’ve said it. To myself, and not just to others. I have to stop denying it. Mom could die. Period. And not in like, oh, thirty, forty years. But before that long. I’m usually the one jumping to conclusions in my mind, but this time I think it’s her that’s jumping to conclusions. She hasn’t said anything about what she fears, but I can feel it. Cancer. You just feel it. She was coughing so hard today again that she was throwing up. She called me the voice of reason on Wednesday. Oh sure. That’s why I want to starve myself to lose weight. I feel so horribly gross and fat. I’ve got to start eating less. I’ve never been a pig like this before. Perhaps I’ve turned into an emotional eater. That wouldn’t be good. I can’t stand the thought of putting on any more weight. 87 pounds. 87 gross pounds. Even my face is fat, and guess what, fat on my face makes me look younger. I can’t stand it, I just can’t stand it. One way or another this weight is coming off. 80 pounds by Christmas doesn’t seem like that hard or that bad of a goal. That’s only a little more than a pound a week, and I doubt anyone would really notice, but I’d feel a lot better. My new favourite skirt feels tight at the waistband, I didn’t wear it last night for that very reason. My pretty yellow, black and grey plaid that I spent more than $70 dollars on when you count in the tax. I’m not letting myself grow out of it, it’s too great and wonderful and I love it too much. The answer is that my stomach needs to shrink back. Besides, fat on the stomach is harmful in so many ways, I’ve got to get rid of it. I was just thinking, I bet mom and dad don’t have a clue that I’m writing this and not working on my history. I want to play Come to Jesus right now but I don’t want them hearing that song. I don’t know why, probably more because the cd was given to me by D. from his mom when I was in the hospital and I’ve never played it for them or anything. Actually, I’ve never played the cd, but I transferred everything to my mp3. And now it’s one of my favourite comfort songs although I admit that the singer isn’t the best. It used to make me cry thinking of it, because it was played at SG's school memorial service. But it’s so beautiful. I fell in love with it over the summer. Weak and wounded sinner...lost and left to die. Oh raise your arms for love is passing by...Come to Jesus...Come to Jesus...Come to Jesus...and live. Now your burden’s lifted...and from there I don’t quite remember. But it’s just so beautiful. I suppose I should do MacGamut now. I didn’t get really any harmonic dictation done this afternoon even though I spent close to an hour on it. I can spend at least half an hour on it now. Well once I finish playing Be thou my vision. I can’t even remember the flute player’s name who did the solo, but it’s gorgeous. Be thou my vision is one of my favourite hymns. Someday, I want it as one of the hymns at my funeral. Of course, at this point I’m not planning a funeral. Not like I once was. I guess that’s a good thing. I bet mom’s thinking a fair amount about things like that these days. She thinks, I think, that it’s probably an ovarian cyst that’s causing all this fluid build-up. Probably because Grandma had an ovarian cyst before mom was even born and had a lot of fluid retention. All I know is that mom is in a lot of discomfort, not so much from the fluid itself but from all the things the fluid is doing. The fluid doesn’t hurt or anything, but she has killer heartburn, and that cough...plus she did lose weight, although I haven’t noticed that much. Of course, the scale hasn’t budged in a little bit because of this fluid retention. Seems like all the fat and muscle just changed into fluid retention. At least she’s now had the ultrasound...they did all of her abdomen, plus an internal ultrasound. Which certainly sounds unpleasant, especially when she showed me how large she figured the ultrasound wand was. OUCH! I meanwhile have been a big procrastinator. I mean, usually I have Macgamut done like the first week. Oh well. Things have come up. Life happens. But boy...yeah...
Wow. I remember those feelings so well. I'd forgotten the part about mom possibly having an ovarian cyst (if only!) but I remember it now. I remember those ED feelings (as an aside, the skirt fit the very next week without weight change...probably just a little bloating or something. It remains one of my favourite skirts). My weight even went up a little, about three or four pounds from that 87, now it's down below 87, and everything fits, but as I have learned, the ED brain is not rational in the least and will take one little thing and have it turn into the world's worst catastrophe. In just a few weeks, we will hit two years since diagnosis, and one year since death. TWO YEARS. Two years of dealing with cancer and cancer's aftermath. It's hard to believe...
Just a few days after that rambling journal entry my mom was officially diagnosed with cancer and life was never the same again.
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