The final days of semester

The final days of semester, particularly winter semester, are quite challenging for university music students. Okay, all students in general, but music students have the added stress of Juries. For the jury, a music student must play for a certain period of time-20 or 30 minutes at my university, depending what year you are in-for a panel of a few members of the faculty. They then grade you, and this one space of 30 minutes makes up 60% of your mark for Major Practical Study, which is a full 6 credit hours of your year. Needless to say, it is something that you are preparing for all year, and do not want to mess up on! My first and third year juries went pretty well, my second year jury, not quite as well, but still okay. This year...I have no clue what is going to happen. I know my music, that is not the issue. What is the issue is my breathing, and now my irrational fear of getting nervous again. Okay, perhaps not entirely irrational. But I basically did NOT get nervous when performing on my flute until this past music festival, and it was an issue.

Each day this week I have come home hoping, praying, and expecting to find a letter from the hospital letting me know when my next appointment with the internal medicine specialist is. Given that we have now pretty much ruled out asthma...I NEED to know. My second-worst nightmare has basically come true, in that my flute playing has been seriously affected at times. Not to mention that it's frustrating and even downright frightening at other times.

Basically, today was one of those days when you get in a mood where you want to punch something and cry, all at the same time. It was probably around choir that I began wanting something very special, that I can never have again. My mom's hug. Now, to clarify on this...if my mom was alive, she wouldn't be aware of how stressed I felt...that just would not be something I told her. But that doesn't stop my brain and heart from wanting the best feeling in the world...

As I have been saying to people...

4 papers
3 recitals/concerts
1 presentation
1 exam
1 jury.

April 18th, I will be finished. This is both terrifying (in that it is so close), and relieving...

Off to bed...with books to do research for one of my papers...