Rough day

I`m not going to lie on this, today was hard. I can identify some reasons why it was hard, others are a bit less sure. One was that I procrastinated on that concert report last night (but, I at least wasn`t as stressed out about this concert report as I was about the last one...a little grade perspective puts things into reality!), so I stayed up past 4am working on it, and still hadn`t quite completed it when the 25mg of seroquel kicked in and knocked me out. I obviously then was tired at 9am when my alarms woke me up. I don`t like sleeping until 9am, but I obviously was not going to get up at 6:20 if I stayed up until about 4:30! I may be a crazy university student, but I have realized that I have some limits...and those limits are 4 hours of sleep. Otherwise, I am a complete mess physically...and emotionally. Doing that all-nighter back in December really taught me that I unfortunately cannot do them. Although I am still tempted...strongly...to do one this weekend to get this paper on Carmen finished.

That was hard part of the day number two...seeing my professor from that class twice in one day...although we didn`t say a word to each other (besides perhaps hello when we were both waiting in line at the office)...was like a sign to me that I have GOT TO GET MYSELF TOGETHER AND GET THIS PAPER DONE THIS WEEKEND OR ELSE.

Hard part number three: Not feeling so amazing physically. My lungs or throat or trachea or something have really been bothering me today. Just this constant feeling of being, well, yucky or fluid-y. I`m frequently clearing my throat, and I was coughing a bunch earlier, but it wasn`t exactly helping. Everything just starts to ache a little bit, not much, but just a little bit and feel slightly heavy-ish. Taking deep breaths often hurts slightly...

Hard part number four: Forgetting or possibly losing my small ensemble photocopied music somewhere. I ended up at my coaching without it, which is not exactly a good thing. So far, I have yet to find it, which is VERY, VERY strange, so I may have left it in either the upstairs practice room with the purple walls (yes, purple...bright purple...think fuschia purple) from when I was practicing on tuesday or wednesday or who knows where. I`m pretty sure that I was practicing it on tuesday or wednesday, although I suppose I could be wrong, and it could have been left in the room we had our coaching in on tuesday. At least it is just photocopied music, but it has ALL my markings in it. I ended up reading off the real music today and felt like a fish out of water. Very frustrating. And very frustrating, because I DON`T lose things very frequently at all. I felt like an absolute idiot today...

Hard part number five: The concert this evening. For some reason, it was just hard. I guess it was related to the exhaustion and apathy that I was feeling...as were so many of my fellow musicians. We are just wornout and burned out at this point, and the usual music-high that we get basically didn`t happen, even though we were playing good music. It`s possible that that was my last wind ensemble concert, we shall see, but at this point, I`m basically numb, not feeling either a music high or sadness at that possibility.

Hard part number six (and the part that really put me over the edge): I saw my ICM earlier this week (first time since December), and she was concerned over how I was doing. Knowing that I had reduced my dosage of seroquel to 25mg from 125mg, she decided, somewhat on my encouraging, that she should check with the psychiatrist to see if I shouldn`t go back up. Well, the psychiatrist says that I should. BUT I DO NOT WANT TO. To me, at this point, the risks outweigh the minimal benefit that might come of it. Her words on the phone message were that with exams and things coming, she didn`t want me to be dealing with any additional anxiety or depression...and that she didn`t want the kids I teach to see me different. Well, I don`t think they would, for one thing. I can say that when I am teaching, I am basically able to block out everything else, and just focus in on what I am doing. So that is not an issue.

My two main reasons for not wanting to increase the dosage:
-If I am still getting knocked out with only 25mg and still having fatigue during the day-even when I am getting more sleep-to the point where I have to lie down, then taking 125mg is going to make me a zombie. Not exactly something I want during the time of year where I need to have the most energy.
-cardiac risks. I know that I have episodes of reduced blood pressure, seroquel is known to increase this. I even got told that seroquel can cause things by the internal medicine specialist. I know that I have a messed up valve, I`m not looking to mess things up further. Let`s just say I don`t want to play around with my heart.

Her words about potassium were cryptic, but in my books the potassium is not really an issue. 3.3 is low, but it is NOT low enough to cause problems. The reasons she gave as possibilities (this is coming from the psychiatrist through my ICM via phone message) did not apply. I had been unable to exercise, I certainly hadn`t been sweating much...you get the picture. The only possibility that I can see for a reduced number is over-hydration, but if I don`t drink that much, my head doesn`t feel clear, my mouth gets dry, my kidneys hurt...

Tonight, I just want to cry...