Eating disorders are a vicious cycle. Right now, my dietician would probably be (hopefully minorly, not majorly) freaking a bit, and I guess there's a bit in my mind that does know it's not enough, but mostly it only thinks that I should eat more vegetables and maybe have a bit more milk (not more meat or grain products). I would say that in all honesty, it's only my love and (oddly) feeling of safety in Kashi granola bars and my hot chocolate that keeps me from seriously tipping off the deep end. Eating is so frustrating, I can feel hungry, but then I go to the kitchen and I just get so caught up that I can't chose something, and then I can't eat. It's frustrating because it's so hard to be at the dinner table with my dad. It's frustrating because I find it so hard to participate in meal planning, or writing the grocery list. It's hard for me to get started cooking (although once I start, it's fine, and I finish it). It's frustrating because I know that this can't be helping the depression but it's so hard to that it just gets worse, and that's part of where the vicious cycle comes into play.
What's a bit scary for me is when I think back to just how early this started in my life, and seeing how early it is starting in other kids, and not even just mild issues, but full blown anorexia in kids under eight years of age. Actually, it's not just a bit scary, it's quite scary. The thought of the little kids that I teach or babysit going through something like this before they have even hit double digits in their age...
I love children, and do want to have children of my own someday, but I worry a lot about whether I'd be able to carry a child safely to term due to both my physical stature and the possibility of nutritional deficiencies or damage, and then my fear of developing severe post-partum depression. I guess I'll just have to wait and see on that. Given that there isn't even a casual relationship in the picture right now, I don't have to worry about that...but I do.
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