It's so hard to believe that I only have two days left with the kids in a full-time capacity. Yes, there's the possibility that I may be able to stay on the substitute list, and yes, I'm sure that I'd be able to work there next summer...but things change friday at 5:15 when my last shift of the summer ends. Let's just say my emotions are in full overdrive because I love the kids so much, and the staff is great too...but at the same time, I'm also really looking forward to getting back to school. A complete torn feeling! I guess the phrase, better to have loved and lost...well, it's true. Even in an 11-week position, you bond with the children, some more than others. My heart definitely melts several times a day.
On other emotional notes...every other tuesday-friday is definitely very challenging. First, tuesday is the day when my mom meets with her community oncologist to review her blood work and everything else to make sure that she's healthy enough for the chemo. There's always the chance that her white count will be down, or her potassium levels will be too low, or her hemoglobin will have dropped and they'll decide to do a blood transfusion on wednesday and push the chemo to thursday. Then, if everything is okay, wednesday she gets chemo...only one of the drugs takes 48 hours, so she has a pump that she calls 'Gertrude' that gets brought home. She's usually over at the hospital for about four hours for the chemo, and then has to drag around this chemo purse for 47-48 hours upon coming home, then go back to the hospital on the friday to get it disconnected. I'm very grateful that she had a PICC line inserted before she started up this set of chemo in May because I'm sure she would have had more problems by now otherwise. Now, if they could only draw blood from her PICC line more often instead of trying-and often failing-to draw blood from her right arm veins. My mom had her chemo started today, and it's really hit her pretty hard. The one good thing about chemo these days is the anti-emetic drugs that work very well. My mom rarely gets nauseous, although she doesn't feel well, but there have only been one or two treatments where she's actually gotten an upset stomach. Her main problem is the tingling that's started happening in all her extremeties. It's rather bothersome. When I came home today I knew that she didn't feel very positive about this treatment. The side effects have intensified each week. It makes me a little bit scared, because if this IS helping-and we won't know for about three or four more weeks-then she may have to live with the side effects. Though...she could decide that if the side effects are so bad, she'd rather not take the few months it might give her. Can't say I'd blame her either. As much as I want my mom to be around as long as possible, I also know that a life in such pain probably wouldn't be good for any of us. I always expected that someday I would end up caring for my parents, but I never thought that it would start when I was 19, and that it would be my mom. My mom was always the healthy one...until last summer when she started to get sick. I'm going to post my mom's full story when I have time-perhaps when I'm cat-sitting for my sister this weekend at her apartment while she's out at the lake for the long weekend.
Let go and Let God.
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