Prayers

Today has been a very difficult day. I keep crying...it just seems like everything is happening at once and I don't know how to get through. My mom had chemo last wednesday, the last of the four treatments before she gets the ct scan to see where we stand. The chemo itself isn't a problem, even though she has to bring home a pump for two days following the start of it at the cancer clinic. It's the crash afterwards that's the problem. This one hit her very hard. She spent pretty much all of sunday in bed, hardly even out on the couch after the morning, could hardly drink let alone eat much. This pattern continued, only on monday her stomach started to get upset as well. My dad kind of decided I guess that enough was enough, she couldn't hold out any longer and took her over to the cancer clinic to get her rehydrated. That's fine, except that then they discovered the source of some of the problems-an intestinal blockage, perhaps caused by the cancer pressing up against the large intestine. They don't know how large or really wherabouts or what else, and they've even mentioned the 's' word, of surgery, but my mom is not strong enough to withstand it-that I can almost guarantee despite my complete lack of a medical degree. This is the sickest she's been yet, even through her chest tube episode, the blood clot, the stomach spasms...

I think she's really starting to get concerned. Her mom died from cancer all throughout her digestive tract and they also found an intestinal blockage. They never knew exactly what cancer...it could very well have been the same that my mom now has. My fear is right now that my mom will not be coming home. I'm trying not to think that way, but I do wonder just how much more she can take. She's been through so much, and she's probably down to about 75 pounds again. Cancer robs a person of dignity, strength, independence, and ultimately, in many cases, their life. I love my mom, and because of that, I want what's best for her. To keep going through this much more...I can't bear the thought. Yes, I would really like my mom to be able to come hear me perform one last time, at my Oct 22nd (hopefully!) recital or at least see a video of it, but if God has other plans, I'm okay with that. As in the hymn song of Philip Bliss..."it is well in my soul". My mom is in God's hands and however much I am going to miss my mom, this is God's plan and I'm much too small as a human being to ever comprehend it.

When I came home from the hospital, I went online, hoping to find a friend that I could talk to on facebook. Well, I didn't really find anyone, but I read something that for me felt like the straw on the camel's back. My good friend "Vitoria" has a one year old daughter "Annalise". Annalise has over the past few months gotten sick a lot, but she got sick this week. Vitoria took Annalise to the doctor's, who sent them over to the hospital, where it was found that Annalise has type one diabetes. She was in the PICU for a day, and is still there recovering. When I read this I just crumbled...my heart felt like it was breaking in so many ways. Especially because Vitoria and Annalise are more than a thousand miles away from me. I felt like, how much more pain could this day give me?

Please pray for my mom to be as comfortable as possible, and if it's God's will, for the blockage to clear in a gentle way. And please pray for Vitoria as she learns about diabetes and for Annalise to grow strong and healthy again. My own prayer request for me is that I be able to find ways to manage my 'two lives'-the school/music/work life and the home/private life...living a double life is hard but I can't exactly share that much about what's going on with most people...