Happy birthday, mom.

Today is my mom's 54th birthday. And I'm certain it's her last. I guess that little bit of knowledge has been overshadowing all of my day and really making me feel more depressed than usual. That and finally connecting with the other eating disorder program-finding out that they don't have space until April, that, once again there really isn't individual and that their free counselling program that could potentially look at eating disorders has a seven month waiting list. Although, they did make me an appointment for next week with one of their doctors to see if maybe I can get accepted earlier. I'll have to wait and see. Bethany is great, but even she has encouraged me to have something else. I'm feeling like a complete mess today. It's hardly the second week of school but I'm behind on studying, practicing, readings and I have an assignment for 20th century due on wednesday. Part of the reason I've been slow on that is because it's worth more than assignments like that typically are (at least in previous courses) and I get all scared and tensed up and find it hard to start. I miss the days of my high school depression. That sounds very, very strange I know, but it was a more productive depression. My high school depression led to me piling on activities and loads of courses and spending hours and hours on homework and practicing to escape my pain. Now, that tendancy is there, except that I'm finding it very hard to get going. I think it must be the mom-factor. If my mom weren't sick, yes, I might be dealing with the depression, but I would probably be doing the escape trick. The feelings are similar-hopelessness, despair, wanting to hurt myself, more headaches, just feeling tired...but the reaction is different. That same feeling of being along in a crowded room is sure the same though. Often, I feel like I can't talk to anyone about what's going on. I sort of feel like I'm fading into the backround when I'm in so much pain and would really just like a hug....