I put this because I've just been feeling a little bit out of whack sometimes, somewhat, the past few days. Just weird emotions at weird times. Like feeling absolutely crippled with anxiety about getting my midterm, which it was SO stupid to be anxious like that because I knew already that I had received an A-actually the 3rd highest mark in the class. My logical brain was getting mad at my emotional brain! Sometimes I really do feel like my brain splits into two parts.
There was stress over the orchestration assignment. Oh my goodness was there stress. I worked just about all of my waking hours on tuesday on it, and battled a stomachache for most of the time as well. Not as bad as the stomachache in December, but that same quality...I had also slept in until around 10:30 that morning, even though I had gone to bed at 11am, so the day did not really start out on the right foot! I really wish I didn't need as much sleep. Anyways, my friend M, who is a composition major spent SO much time with me on the assignment online, it was just amazing. Hopefully...everything worked out okay. I gathered that a lot of my fellow students had stress with the assignment as well...and we are pretty much all really good students. At least my friend A gave us a good laugh, but you really had to be there for it...at least our prof found it amusing as well, and I think he picked up on how we had stress going on, so maybe that will be taken into consideration...This is my fourth course with him, but this is the first time he has taught this particular course, so things are always a little bit rougher. Let's just say that a LOT has been crammed into the classes so far, and a lot of us are feeling like our heads are spinning. I know that a course is more difficult than usual when MY head starts spinning, because that basically doesn't happen. Really, has only happened one other time in University-with this particular professor! He is a good instructor, with an interesting sense of humour, and although strict, very fair...and he proved last year that he has a compassionate side as well. He was one of my professors that I had to defer things with last year, so I do at least know that if anything comes up...and I have the proper documentation...that it will be okay. I really don't want anything to come up, but I know that my body is more fragile than those of most my age, not to mention the stress of waiting on genetic testing.
It's strange also, but I felt more open somehow yesterday. I ended up sharing two of my biggest 'secrets' with people. Typically, in my History of Antisemtism class several of us hard-working gals sit together, and we have gotten to know each other a bit. I felt comfortable enough to share before class that I was feeling stressed waiting for the results of my genetic testing for Mosaic Turner's syndrome. It felt strange to share...but also good. And then, later, when talking with M online after I got home from class, I shared that in high school I had dealt with really severe depression and that I still had to watch to keep things in check. My friend M is actually in his early 30s, about 10 years older than me, and this is his second time around in university. The first time, he failed out because he developed depression and didn't VW from his courses. He is INCREDIBLY smart and hardworking. I have known this for more than a year, and for sometime had been thinking that I should share that I really do understand. And I did. I didn't say just what the severity entailed, but I may at some point. It's almost 5 years since that point but sometimes, it still feels like yesterday. Like today when I realized that the first time I ever watched Dr. Phil was when I was in the hospital...several of us would do so in the afternoons. I imagine we presented a pretty funny picture, several teenagers with severe depression or bipolar disorder and eating disorders watching Dr. Phil while on the Child and Adolescent psychiatric unit!
Today I had my university grad photos taken. Seems also just like yesterday that I was having my high school grad photos taken. Hopefully they turn out okay. It was decently early in the morning after that late class last night, so I hope I don't look too tired. It hurts because I know my mom would have been so excited about them. I guess it comes back to those first two thoughts when the doctors told us in May of 2010 that the 'average length of survival for adenocarcinoma of the small intestine' was 2 years-that my first two thoughts were "My mom won't see grandchildren" and "My mom won't see my university graduation". In the end, it was less than six months from the time they told us "Average of 2 years" until she died. Even after all this time, it still hurts to write the word 'died', but that is how it was. Her body was taken over by a monster. I re-read the pathology reports from her surgery the other day. My mom was not a large woman, only 5'3 and of small to medium build...we knew from the surgery that they only removed some of the cancer yet I'm reading words such as 12 by 8 by 7 cm mass...and there were three such comments made. For reference size, that's like having a 6 inch sub in your abdomen being removed...and they removed more than one such mass, and didn't get all of it. That's the kind of widespread cancer we're talking about, and that is before it moved to her lungs...
It's been VERY cold here the past few days, and it's snowing again today...all my students were late to class tonight, but I would much rather have them late than have anyone get hurt on the way over!!!! The past couple of weeks, it only seems to have gotten warmer to snow again. I guess that we are getting payback for having such a mild winter last year. Which, given how rough it was for me, I'm not exactly complaining about. I am a true prairie girl though, I will survive! But it will be nice when it warms up a little bit and I'm not feeling like an onion every time that I come in from just walking between buildings where I'm peeling off the scarf, the down-filled jacket hood, the hat, the extra thick and puffy mittens, the leg warmers under my jeans, the jacket, the vest underneath, sometimes another sweater...the only thing I refuse to do is wear boots :)
Time to do something productive, anything, even if it's just moving my stereo back upstairs and going to bed...
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