Deja vu

Well, I talked for about 10 minutes with the nurse from the Eating disorders program this morning. Ten minutes because she phoned at 8:35 and I started work at 8:45. Unfortunately, it was not the most pleasant experience...I felt like I was being accused of things, and I do admit that my own defensive position of worry-when the nurse confirmed my address and I said "Nothing can be mailed there with any sort of descriptive markings"-seemed to frustrate her. Now, back in March, a different person with the program talked to me-this was the first referral there, done by the psychiatrist with the program I work with. In total, the questions that they ask are supposed to take about an hour. The last time I had this done, I was at a very hard point in my life...my mom was in the hospital recovering from her surgery, we were reeling because the diagnosis had been changed (to an incorrect one once again, but that'll be described at a later date...like tomorrow), and I do believe that something else was going on, but I'm not sure. Ah yes. That was the after-effects of the extended essay for my music history course, which involved hiding out in a library across campus from the music faculty to finish, spending about six hours in the library. A wonderful essay-cram, but I got a 92%, so it worked (although I don't want to do something like that ever again). Or maybe I just talk about Beethoven's symphonies rather well. To continue though...when I last had this hour-long phone intake interview, I had to do it in the music lounge-not even fully alone-because I didn't have a cell phone yet. Within a short time, although I hadn't wanted to, I had become a teary, messed up, well, mess. One of the hardest questions is one of the first-weight and height. Height I'm fine about. I have no problems saying that I'm all of 4'9, but I DO have problems saying my weight because I am horribly embarrassed and ashamed of it. So having to answer that first is never a good start to anything.

I'll also admit that summer is a very different lifestyle than the school year. For instance, when it comes to purging. During the winter semester I started this habit, not every day and sometimes not even once a week, but it was occuring not that infrequently, usually on a tuesday or a thursday. Sometimes I'd spend 30 minutes or I think even more on a couple of occasions doing this, because despite-or perhaps because of-all the childhood stomach flus I had, my stomach seems to have a pretty iron-cast resistence to the two-finger trick. I hate to sound morbid, and I apologize for that, but I also want to be honest. This stuff happens. At work, it's just not an option, and really, the only time it is an option for me at home is when I'm running bath water or something like that-and I have done that before. Being at the university presents a lot more opportunities however. The same is true for exercising, and I would say that I definitely eat less during the school year than I did this summer. I have a feeling that in a little more than a week, I'm going to be playing a whole new ball game when it comes to dealing with these things.

It's hard for me sometimes to open up when I'm talking, but I can write about things very easily. Well, most of the time. I wasn't really my true self at work today. Somewhat distracted I guess you could say. I spent a lot of the time dealing with these waves of emotion. I guess it was a mixture of sadness, anxiety, helplessness, hopelessness, frustration...I call it waves because when it would hit I would feel like this strong breeze had taken away my breath and knocked my chest and stomach down...and also stung my eyes. When my break finally came, I was actually able to get a hold of Bethany and we talked for about half an hour and it was pretty relieving actually. I was able to say to her why I wanted this group to work out...and why I wanted the September one. Right now, there is a LOT of things that I'm dealing with. Both my grandma and my mom are, in effect, dying and I'm entering back into school with a decently full course load. Although my friends are wonderful and listen, listen, listen and offer support, I feel somewhat guilty at the same time of always burdening them with what's going on. And there are some things that I don't feel comfortable sharing with them because they are just too dark. I'm really feeling the need for a safe place where others are truly going to understand. Maybe I'm not totally ready to give up my eating stuff yet, but how will I know unless I look into it? Bethany has encouraged me to tell the nurse what's going on and that we think that now is the time to do this. By January...I could lose two of the most important people in my life. I don't want to try dealing with something this big in the wake of that...I want to find the support now. If my mom and or my grandma dies during the fall then that happens and I'll have the group to support and help me through it. I just hope that this gos through....and that tomorrow I don't spend half the day trying not to cry in front of the kids.