2-year anniversary

In a few short hours (okay, just shy of 16), it will be two years since my mom died. Two years. The past couple of days building up to this have not been the easiest, and now, realizing that it is after midnight, and that it is the anniversary of my mom's death has resulted in a wave of emotions.

I think things were triggered a bit more by finding out for certain that an important member of the music community in my city died suddenly a few days ago, at only 65. For years, he was my RCM representative, meaning that he was the 'friendly face' and reassuring voice of confidence at so many exams that I can't even count them all. I've never been the best with death, but I've felt especially vulnerable to death and serious illness this fall...three of my neighbours (who I have known since I was 2 years old) are seriously ill (in one household no less!), a fellow MYC teacher, my flute teacher's father (the exact same age as my dad), now this gentlemen. Some of the kids that I follow on caringbridge/carepages have also recently passed away or likely will very soon. Taylor Heersche passed away this week, and Ariel Gariano, who I have been following for almost a year now is doing very, very poorly. Her family just wants her to get to sunday when they are celebrating "Christmas in November" together. That is my prayer too. She has battled rhabdomyosarcoma for just over five years now...

I hurt, I miss my mom, I can't believe it's been so long when it still feels like a day ago that she said the last words to me that I really remember, words that will remain forever etched in my memory..."I do love you so much" as tears choked her voice and I myself was trying desperately not to burst out into tears (wanting to be strong for her). The day after that, she decided that she had had enough and asked that all food and water be discontinued, wherein the two and a half hardest weeks of my life began.

And then there's me...I've noticed in the past two or so weeks a lot of weird feeling in my heart, and more of the dull aches or small twinges. Oftentimes when I would bend down in my chair when teaching I would get the weird beating start up, or when lying down in bed, or hurrying outside in the cold weather. I know that I need to get checked out by my doctor but like last year, well, I keep putting things off, and putting things off when it comes to this. In a few short days I hit the anniversary of when I really started to notice things going funny for me. Again, hard to believe that it's been a year since that started up, but at the same time, I can hardly remember what it was like not to have it going on.

I just wish I could have a hug from my mom again. Days like this, I wish I was five years old, with my mom there, and no social constraints whatsoever on curling up in her lap.

Psychology, Music in Canada, History of Antisemitism, and History of the Soviet Union. Oh yeah, and spending an hour online...

It seems that whenever things pile up just a little bit too much with my university coursework, I will end up online reading up on the heart. In just over a month, I come up to the day when I first felt that something was up. I didn't realize it at the time, I felt that perhaps I had a small virus, was reacting to the stress of a paper. But it kept continuing, and it didn't act like stress or a virus. And it has been exactly 10 months since I first heard the words "You have a heart murmur, did you know that?". The words that sent part of my life in an entirely new direction.

This time of year too brings about really challenging memories, reinforced this time around by my flute teacher's rough month of September with the death of her father (at age 63, the same age as my dad...). October 5th was the anniversary of my grandma's death, and although sad, we could hardly stop to think. I did go to bed that night-it was a tuesday night-with the soundtrack from "The Mission" playing on my MP3 player, and did cry as I was falling asleep after writing in my journal. But the situation with my mom was so tenuous at that point. On October 4th, my mom was given 3 months to live. It turned out to be less than one month. I don't remember any part of the orchestra rehearsal that day, but I do remember getting picked up by my dad and getting the news. I remember the wind ensemble retreat that was either two days before then or five days after, something like that. I honestly don't remember which day. Daily, it is hard to believe that it is almost two years since my mom died. That it has been more than two years since she was last in this house. I'm thinking about getting my hair cut next weekend, and it's hard. I haven't had my haircut since before my mom was diagnosed. She was just starting to get sick then, it was in September of 2009. When I was still innocent in the ways of the world. Before I could read oncology-and now cardiology-reports. Before I knew exactly what someone the day that they die of cancer smells like. I say that because the smells of that hospital room are etched in my memory just as surely as the sight of the hospital gown, the blue emesis bins, and the recliner that didn't actually recline very well. The colours of the four shawls that I worked on during the month of October and the first two days of November of 2010. How my friend C's little girl A was diagnosed with type one diabetes right at the same time that my mom entered the hospital for the last time (and whose wedding I was privileged to attend last weekend!!!! definitely a highlight of my year so far!).

The title of this post comes from my four 'normal' courses. I say normal, because I also have my major area paper, however, that is not taking precedence right now unfortunately. I have my first Intro to Psych midterm on wednesday, and my first paper due for History of the Soviet Union on thursday. Do I feel like I'm at my breaking point? Just about, but oddly enough, the phrase "Just keep swimming" has been going through my head even though it's certainly not one I've used before. Well, back to the Psych textbook. I still have a full chapter to read, and it's a slow going book. I wanted to get it done before going to bed, but I'm not sure that is the smartest idea. I've really tried to get a 'decent' amount of sleep this semester so far, and it is HARD because the old habits are there, and I just can't function without getting sleep. It's a form of grief and extreme frustration to know that if I try to do like I did last year, I will just get sick, quite possibly more sick than last time. Last time, I lucked out in many ways (which I'm not going to go into now-that's for another post). Should I not take care of myself, I don't think I'd be so lucky.

Denied...at 22...

I found out that I am "uninsurable". Meaning that I am considered too high risk to have term insurance put on. At only 22 years of age.

Not exactly a nice part of my day, even though I had sort of anticipated it coming. The wonders of having a heart defect. Through no fault of my own, through a matter of my birth, I am considered 'high risk', despite plenty of other factors that prove that I'm not a risk. Including the words of doctors.

Well...that's life I guess. Doesn't feel great to know that if I get married and have children, I won't be able to have security around for them. Or for my father or sister.

Can't do anything about it I suppose, so I'm going to go and do something I can do, one of the things that makes my life feel fulfilled...getting things ready to teach my Moonbeams Two class tonight.

Sad sunday

Sometimes, I almost think I feel certain things before they happen. Today I woke up VERY tired even though I slept for 9 hours. Not a great way to start the day. I knew I needed to go down to the university to get started on my research for my Major Area Paper, and to be honest, I was just not wanting to face the church congregation that much today. A great congregation, but I was already feeling closed in and shut down and upset and couldn't really think why except for being so tired when I got up and that it was kind of gloomy and cold out this morning, as compared to yesterday's balmy (for September) 28 degrees! But at least I was able to get my room tidied up a bit, although I moved slower than normal...when things get worse, my usual absolutely clean to a fault room tends to gather things. I just get feeling too tired to deal with anything even if it's as simple as hanging up my clean laundry. Instead it will end up piled on top of my desk or my knitting basket, that type of thing. I did manage to make it down to the university (even with the wonders of sunday public transit), but was in the type of state where I felt like the slightest thing would start me crying. Again, I couldn't understand why.

It wasn't until I got home and got a couple of things done, like moving the filing cabinet from the storage room into my music studio, and scanning and emailing some notes for a classmate in my History of the Soviet Union course that I got a little bit of energy and feeling-human-ness back. I even got myself registered for some of the psychology stuff that is a part of my Intro to Psych course-some research experiments and registering my textbook online for additional resources. Even voted for a fellow student who made it to the top 10 in CBC's "Over the Rainbow" program.

However...I received an email around 11 tonight that made me turn completely back to that emotional state...I wrote earlier that my flute teacher's father, who is the exact same age as my dad, was quite ill, which is why my flute teacher and her husband had been called back to their home province. Well, things had started to look back up and they were scheduled to fly out on friday...but he then took a turn for the worse again, and now the doctors are really giving no hope. Hours to days.

ALL the emotions that I felt with my mom's illness and death are coming back up. I know just how much pain my flute teacher-my friend-is going through. A pain that no one should have to go through. My dad is 63, her dad is 63...

My mom's birthday is coming up very soon too, September 20th. It makes me miss all the more. She would be, SHOULD be turning 56.

Sometimes, in teaching my MYC classes, I miss her. MYC classes were, for YEARS something that my mom and I did together. Five years in fact. Seeing my little Sunshine Ones cuddling up with their moms during class...well...those memories can bring me both joy and sadness. My classes on saturday involved singing a song called "Fingers Dancing"...well, my mom really liked that particular song from the program. Or perhaps we just sang it a lot. Either way...I have memories of her singing it YEARS past my graduation. So, for some reason on this particular saturday it was a little bit triggering. But I obviously couldn't do anything except carry on with my lesson plan and keep on with the class. And the moment passed, but still remains in my brain.

Later today I am going dress shopping with the mom of one of my closest friends from junior high/high school. Dress shopping for a wedding! At least something very positive to put my brain to.

Life, I guess

The past few days have been somewhat on the low side of things...just feeling quite down, when I should be feeling up. I think I can understand some of the reasons...like yesterday evening, I got an email from my flute teacher that she had had to fly out back east because her father (same age as my dad, which is perhaps part of why it hits SO close to home) who survived cancer but was left with many health conditions/side effects as a result wasn't doing well at all. So yes, I am feeling that helpless feeling. And that feeling that my dad could easily be taken from me came back into full force. These days, the thought of my dad getting very ill or dying is absolutely heart-wrenching...even more so then when I was young and worried about him. Even more so then when he was not taking care of himself very well and my mom was so, so, so ill (September-ish of 2010).

And then there was just this feeling on my part of this whole lack of self-confidence thing with my teaching this week. Maybe it's just because it's the first week back.

I know that my ICM would say that things might be a bit better if I was at my prescribed dose of seroquel. Well, possibly that's true, but there's the whole issue of the increased sleeping time that comes with adding on seroquel. Even if I just take the slightly-bigger section from when I cut the 100mg tablet in two (with a knife, attempting to make it exactly half as it is not scored), I tend to be more tired in the morning and/or sleep longer. Classes are starting back up, teaching is starting back up...the university system was not designed for a person to need to sleep 9 or 10 hours a night, but that seems to be what my body needs and it drives me crazy. Take today, I slept for about 8 1/2 hours, yet I was still tired when I woke up (after falling back to sleep instantly after shutting off the alarms). The other day with 7 1/2 hours was the same thing, so it's not an issue of 'too much sleep' in the sense that I am sleeping too long and therefore being more tired. It is just so frustrating.

Well, guess I can help one thing...and that is going to bed now...

First day

Although I don't plan for it to be my last year of university, it's possible that today was the last 'first day' of my academic career. Had a bit of an experience with my History of the Soviet Union course...in a couple of ways I guess. One, having rushed over from the music building to where this course is held, I first had to find the classroom-and I've never had classes in that building before. But the biggest issue was that the instructor before my class had written Espanol 1276 on the board, which certainly confused me a bit. Oh well. The other was the professor himself...one who self-professed that he can be, at times, a grouchy old man. And disorganized. That last bit concerns me a bit! 

I got my travel arrangements made-I am flying down to Augusta to see my high school friend C get married on September 29th! Now I have to go to the passport office tomorrow to get that in order. And then dress shopping! Everything really came together in the flights, although the times aren't that great. I wish I could reverse the times...leave my city early in the morning and get in sometime around 12:30 on the friday September 28th, and then leave Augusta at about noon and get into my city at about 8:30 at night on the sunday September 30th. Well, at least I can get down there. It could definitely be worse. 

Taught my first ever class of Moonbeams Two tonight, which was pretty good. I think I'm just not feeling confident enough yet. Maybe with the next lesson. And it was the first lesson, it takes a little while for a group to properly 'gel' and all-two students coming from my Moonbeam Two class, and one a transfer student from an MYC teacher who has decided to stop teaching MYC. She's a little bit younger because she started at age 5 in Sunbeams One instead of starting at 7 1/2 in Moonbeams One. I think my coordinator M was right when she said that one of the hardest things you will ever have is a transfer student! It's good that I got her, and I will work to be a good teacher for her, and I guess my feeling of being judged will disappear soon. Because likely, they weren't even judging me that much. 

Anyways...after baking both chocolate muffins and easy brownies for my dad's toastmaster group tomorrow I think I am ready to have some red tea and knit while watching MASH or Star Trek. Yep, because I'm cool that way. 

Stress? ED? Physiology?

Today was a bit of a stressful day...it started off slightly on the wrong foot because I didn't wake up in time to phone at 9am eastern time (which is earlier for me), so I then was concerned that I wouldn't get the materials for my students that just registered (Two Sunshine One registrations, and one Moonbeams One registration-so four in each class, which is an improvement over last year. Not so sure about the Sunbeams One class, but there is still time to pick up students. Some teachers often pick up the last 1-2 students in each class in September, and you also get to a point where you go "it would be nice to have more students, but I'm too tired to push for anymore right now") ordered in time for their classes that start on saturday. But, the CanadaPost website gave an approximated date of Sept 7th. Which means that YES, they will be here for saturday classes! Then, I received an email from a parent who had registered their two children for Sunshine One and Sunbeams One, but had just received their work schedule, and now saturday classes would not work for them. This was quite unfortunate as one of them was a Sunrise student with me this past year, and I was really looking forward to it. Plus, it leaves me wondering a little bit more about the Sunbeams One class...

Anyways...and then my friend N cancelled our tea meeting because her bloodwork was going to take too long, but we rescheduled to friday. I just hope her bloodwork was okay, given that she frequently ends up with low potassium and has to get special IV fluids for it.

So...stressful part...getting all my job application forms into the University. I felt a bit like a chicken with head cut off, and then there was the Major Area Paper concern, paying university fees, getting my new textbook for my Intro to Psych course...

Ah, Intro to Psychology. If I want to apply into the Music Therapy program, then I have to take an Intro to Psych course, so I registered for one yesterday, snatching up the last spot in that particular course. Wednesdays at 3:30-4:20. Anyways...a first year course. Nearly 300 students. Partially done online. My guess is that out of those 300, only about 150-200 will actually show up most of the time, and of that number, only about half will do the work. I certainly intend to prove that I am a capable, responsible fifth-year university student. From the looks of the textbook and from my social-worker-sister, it's quite likely that this course will be a 'bird' course from me. Well, that is just fine, I guess. I like intellectually challenging courses, but it never hurts to have a course where you get an A+ without really working that hard. My sister said that pretty much all of her marks came from 6 multiple choice tests and 10% participation, "Maybe one assignment". I can do that.

Anyways...schedule was a bit messed up, and my stomach was a bit turned off by food when I had breakfast this morning, so I just had a small peanut butter bran muffin with some peanut butter on top. That was about 10 or 10:30 this morning. I then went down to the university at 12:30 and started my business there. By the time I got home it was after 4pm, and I still hadn't eaten. I was hungry, but then I forgot...

Now, I can tell that my body really does need some fuel, but my stomach feels like it has closed off a bit, meaning that going almost 12 hours on only a small muffin with peanut butter really doesn't work for my digestive system. I've had some water and peppermint tea, and may go and have another small muffin...but the hard part is that ED is starting to act up because of this. A sign that I still need to watch out. See, intellectually I KNOW that I need to eat something. Physically, I can tell that my body isn't meant to run on less than 300 calories for a day. My nails are a bit darker and I can feel my heartbeat more.

I may only have a very mild heart condition, but it still puts additional stress on my body...and with the ticking time bomb that is my heart valve...well...taking the best possible care of myself only makes sense. Of course it makes sense for everyone, but my body has shown that it has a lower threshold for certain things-like heat, cold, lack of sleep, food...that, whether I fight it tooth and nail or accept it and learn to adapt to it, is my reality. And as I was telling my friend B the other day, gently pushing myself seems to work a lot better than fighting my body tooth and nail...

Words to live by.