URGH. No other way to put it.

This week started off on a bad note, and seems to be keeping up that trend. Mostly, this is due to the oh-so-wonderful eating disorders program and their complete LACK of accomodation. In march, I had my first referal to them, which frustrated me to no end, but at least the nurse who did the phone conversation was nice. I got very frustrated because all they had to offer me were groups, which are NOT my preferance or strong suit. After a couple of weeks though, I decided that if that was all they had, I'd go for it, and supposedly my ICM set the wheels in motion and contacted this nurse for him to put my name on the list for the September group. Well, somewhere along the way, things didn't quite work and in July, I got told that I had to get another referal from my doctor. So I had to go through that difficult process again, and unfortunately did not end up with one of the two nice nurses, but the one that NO ONE seems to like who is very brutal, direct, and confrontational. Back during my assessment in September, I was trying to explain how being around my underweight mom was a major triggering factor, and not only was I not given the chance to explain this but I kept getting shut down with, in the least sympathetic voice you can imagine "But she's dying". THAT was the last straw in my book. Once someone breaks my trust and hurts me like that, I can NEVER open up to them in a counsellor sort of way. So, anyways, in recent times, having missed groups because of being at the hospital with my mom, the psychologist "Dr Locke" suggested that maybe I'd like to sign up for the next group instead. I said yes, but asked if I could possibly be switched to one of the other nurses in case I ever needed anything because I CANNOT TALK TO THIS IGNORANT, MEAN, BULLYING type one. I was told flat out NO, they don't switch people around. Well, I said, then there is no way I will go through them to work out meeting with the nutritionist or anything like that. I refuse to talk to this nurse. It bugs me that they already DID switch me around, because my first referal was with another nurse. So really, what would be different? This is a new group, but apparantly, neither of the others is available (oh really? You know who will and won't be for three months away?) February feels a long time away and in many ways I want to just show up to the group next week, having missed stuff or not having missed stuff. I asked about that, but was told that that really wouldn't be the best. Right now though i'm thinking 'So what?" in my mind. Basically right now I want to throw things, stop eating, stop taking seroquel and cut. And cry. I really missed my mom on monday. What I really wanted was for the pre-cancer mom to hug me. As much as every teenager sometimes has issues with their parents, my mom's hug was probably the best feeling in the world, when I wanted one from her. And now I can never have that again. I've spent a good chunk of the past three days crying, monday and today because of talking with the Dr Locke. Right now I hate the whole eating disorder program. And I can guarantee I'm going to lose weight. That's a concious decision I have made...