Having completed everything that's easily completeable, I have no choice really but to head back to the university tomorrow. Yes, it will be good, but at the same time...well...today I felt so empty, so well, down. I couldn't really call it sadness though, just the empty hole. I can't just sit and do nothing, I have to be doing something, and I haven't written in my journal since monday evening. It's as if writing there will make things real even though I know this is real.
I've been having those experiences where I want to tell my mom stuff. For instance, I was sitting near the doors to the sanctuary on friday before the funeral, knitting as I often do, when two women came up. Turns out that my mom worked with them at her previous job from almost seven years ago. Once they told me who they were I remembered, because I had worked a few shifts at the fabric store during crazy times, just shelving fabric and sweeping, that type of thing (I was after all only 12 and 13 years old). And I remembered thinking how cool it was, and how great it would be to tell my mom-only of course, I couldn't. I especially felt this pang, because one of the women was my mom's old manager, who herself had serious breast cancer and underwent surgery, chemotherapy and radiation. My mom had, last year in December or January, talked about phoning this woman, but she never had.
I slept from about 1:20 last night until almost 11 this morning, having decided that at the very least, I could prep myself for going back to school by getting a good night's sleep. In some ways though, I've almost felt more tired today. Perhaps it's because of those classic depression symptoms that were present so much of today. Right now I really need to take a shower and then clear a few things off my bed, but all I want to do is just crawl in right now and forget about things...
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