1) My lungs are currently not my friends. Looking forward to getting them tested next wednesday.
2) The adjudicator at music festival needs to take a course on adjudicating. Her marks were insane, and unpredictable, and in a number of cases, just plain cruel.
3) Cavell makes for hard to understand reading, even whilst enjoying Starbucks green tea.
4) Perhaps reducing my Seroquel has had negative side effects that only became evident this week.
5) Hugs are the best. Especially when it is very, very mutual.
6) The high point of my day was talking with my main accompanist C! We have quite the understanding now not just on music, but on life.
7) I am not looking forward to doing all the Children's Art Tax Credit forms tomorrow.
8) Thank goodness for fleece pajamas.
There are about a bazillion more thoughts running through my head, but it has been a very emotionally charged and mentally exhausting three days. Perhaps in a few days when I've had some time to talk with my flute teachers and flute friends, I can write about it.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Productivity level=almost zero
This is what I found out from writing only 266 words in about an hour and a half. Sigh. Note that I am incredibly frustrated with myself. I want my crazy levels of productivity back!!!!! On top of that, the one wisdom tooth that is the furthest in is driving me crazy because it is trying to come up further. Let's just say that I have great sympathy for teething babies at this point (did I mention that it has now been...six months...since they started breaking through and none of them are even HALF uncovered?). The good news is that this cold has been quite mild. Irritating, a bit, and friday evening I was hit a bit hard, but besides that, it really hasn't been that bad. It did exacerbate my cough today, but all things told, it could be a LOT worse. I should still be at almost-peak performance level for my festival class tomorrow, when I play the second movement of Bach's E minor sonata. Did I mention that I LOVE Bach's flute sonatas? This is now the fourth one that I have played, and one of the other years I played Bach's Suite in B minor. The only problem with festival is that they only let you play ONE movement of a piece!! At least at the flute-specific festival come May, we can chose to play one movement, two, three, all, so long as it fits into 15 minutes.
Cage's Lecture On Nothing was discussed/presented upon in Philosophy of Music today. It clarified things a bit...to a certain degree. I have more Cage readings to finish, and obviously, I need to write more of that 266/c.3000 words paper.
Today was Pancake Monday at the FoM, which, when combined with companionship, helped relieve the crazy depression feelings that I felt when I got up this morning and took the bus down to the university. It was just one of those mornings when you wake up and feel like crying and can't really figure out why. The day did mostly improve as it went along...chocolate chip pancakes are delicious, being with friends is great, getting a hug is even greater, having two classes go well is good, having a good lesson with a very encouraging flute teacher definitely helped...
Sometimes, I can't help but wonder if maybe I have decreased my medication too far, that I really do need a little bit of a higher dosage. Last night, I didn't even take 25mg. I know this because I am cutting the 100mg tablets into 4 pieces, and it isn't exactly precise, but we are talking a medication that I have PSYCHIATRIST permission to alter the dosage on. I really can't say whether decreasing would have this effect, whether it is just one of those random life things, whether it is other stuff going on, you get the picture.
Well, now that my rants have been somewhat satisfied, I will get onto reading those Cage articles, and perhaps even writing some more of the essay. Real work, not just relieving feelings, although as I often say to people, if writing helps, if art helps, if music helps, if running helps, if hot baths help, if tea helps, go for it. Okay, so those are all things that I like. Although I haven't done any running besides unsuccessful between-classes-in-close-by-buildings runs that ended with crazy breathing or coughing issues. Just over a week until my pulmonary function test. Hopefully it will let us know something. Although the coughing might be 'nothing', I can definitely not deny the problems with breathing that were going on for some time before everything fell apart, even if it is a weird coincidence that they started on a day that I had a paper due and was a bit concerned about, but trust me, I have had waaaaay more stress about papers before. And the breathing episode that came along with losing sensation in my hands and the tachycardia? Well, that began during a friend's recital when I was very relaxed. Explain that one! Or, explain how I was breathing EXCEPTIONALLY well whilst waiting at my last appointment. One would think that if I was going to be affected by stress, waiting to get back results from an echocardiogram would be amongst the most stressful times, and would thus cause the symptoms to increase. Instead, they decreased. I have a feeling that I am going through a denial/acceptance period here with my pulmonary function test, just as I did with the echocardiogram, girating back and forth between yes-there-is-something-wrong and no-there-is-nothing-wrong. Though, I know that part of the reason that I thought there would be nothing wrong on the echocardiogram is that I did not see mitral valve prolapse, which I had previously seen on a picture on the internet and had figured was most likely that I had (given that 30% of patients with ED's have mitral valve prolapse, it is often diagnosed in younger women, it is the most common valve condition, etc etc). So, having ruled that out, I began to think that maybe I was just imagining things. I wasn't though, so perhaps I should trust my instincts on the gut feeling I had perhaps after the second time that the breathing thing happened. I mean, if it had happened once, sure, I could accept that as stress. But after happening another time or two? Sure, I was ignoring it, pushing it aside, thinking that maybe I was anaemic, but deep down, I knew that there was something up, and that I really should get it checked out, even though I was afraid of being labelled a hypochondriac by my doctor. I had actually been planning to phone up my doctor's office and make an appointment the day after classes ended, or thereabouts...although I was still thinking that things would probably just resolve once classes were finished.
As we know, my body had other ideas. And so it continues. I would say that pretty much everyday at some point, I will notice some degree of problems breathing. Sometimes not too bad, sometimes really annoying, and if I wasn't experienced with that degree of difficulty breathing, I would probably be more concerned. Sometimes I hide just how bad it is from those around me (perhaps not such a smart decision), but the people I spent the most time with-my flute friends, my wind ensemble conductor, my flute instructor, my small ensemble instructor, some of my other friends from other classes-all know what's up. A number of them were right there when 'it' happened (thankfully). Once I have whether I have asthma or not sorted out, I will be investing in a medic alert bracelet, but there is no point in getting one right now when the diagnosis is possibly incomplete. At this point, even if they said there is no asthma, it would still be important to put something about the heart valve down, along with my new-found latex sensitivity (an emergency surgery someday with latex gloves could pose a big problem, and just because a valve perhaps isn't causing great problems at the moment doesn't mean that it couldn't start causing huge problems relatively quickly). But...I'm not about to spend the money twice!
Cage's Lecture On Nothing was discussed/presented upon in Philosophy of Music today. It clarified things a bit...to a certain degree. I have more Cage readings to finish, and obviously, I need to write more of that 266/c.3000 words paper.
Today was Pancake Monday at the FoM, which, when combined with companionship, helped relieve the crazy depression feelings that I felt when I got up this morning and took the bus down to the university. It was just one of those mornings when you wake up and feel like crying and can't really figure out why. The day did mostly improve as it went along...chocolate chip pancakes are delicious, being with friends is great, getting a hug is even greater, having two classes go well is good, having a good lesson with a very encouraging flute teacher definitely helped...
Sometimes, I can't help but wonder if maybe I have decreased my medication too far, that I really do need a little bit of a higher dosage. Last night, I didn't even take 25mg. I know this because I am cutting the 100mg tablets into 4 pieces, and it isn't exactly precise, but we are talking a medication that I have PSYCHIATRIST permission to alter the dosage on. I really can't say whether decreasing would have this effect, whether it is just one of those random life things, whether it is other stuff going on, you get the picture.
Well, now that my rants have been somewhat satisfied, I will get onto reading those Cage articles, and perhaps even writing some more of the essay. Real work, not just relieving feelings, although as I often say to people, if writing helps, if art helps, if music helps, if running helps, if hot baths help, if tea helps, go for it. Okay, so those are all things that I like. Although I haven't done any running besides unsuccessful between-classes-in-close-by-buildings runs that ended with crazy breathing or coughing issues. Just over a week until my pulmonary function test. Hopefully it will let us know something. Although the coughing might be 'nothing', I can definitely not deny the problems with breathing that were going on for some time before everything fell apart, even if it is a weird coincidence that they started on a day that I had a paper due and was a bit concerned about, but trust me, I have had waaaaay more stress about papers before. And the breathing episode that came along with losing sensation in my hands and the tachycardia? Well, that began during a friend's recital when I was very relaxed. Explain that one! Or, explain how I was breathing EXCEPTIONALLY well whilst waiting at my last appointment. One would think that if I was going to be affected by stress, waiting to get back results from an echocardiogram would be amongst the most stressful times, and would thus cause the symptoms to increase. Instead, they decreased. I have a feeling that I am going through a denial/acceptance period here with my pulmonary function test, just as I did with the echocardiogram, girating back and forth between yes-there-is-something-wrong and no-there-is-nothing-wrong. Though, I know that part of the reason that I thought there would be nothing wrong on the echocardiogram is that I did not see mitral valve prolapse, which I had previously seen on a picture on the internet and had figured was most likely that I had (given that 30% of patients with ED's have mitral valve prolapse, it is often diagnosed in younger women, it is the most common valve condition, etc etc). So, having ruled that out, I began to think that maybe I was just imagining things. I wasn't though, so perhaps I should trust my instincts on the gut feeling I had perhaps after the second time that the breathing thing happened. I mean, if it had happened once, sure, I could accept that as stress. But after happening another time or two? Sure, I was ignoring it, pushing it aside, thinking that maybe I was anaemic, but deep down, I knew that there was something up, and that I really should get it checked out, even though I was afraid of being labelled a hypochondriac by my doctor. I had actually been planning to phone up my doctor's office and make an appointment the day after classes ended, or thereabouts...although I was still thinking that things would probably just resolve once classes were finished.
As we know, my body had other ideas. And so it continues. I would say that pretty much everyday at some point, I will notice some degree of problems breathing. Sometimes not too bad, sometimes really annoying, and if I wasn't experienced with that degree of difficulty breathing, I would probably be more concerned. Sometimes I hide just how bad it is from those around me (perhaps not such a smart decision), but the people I spent the most time with-my flute friends, my wind ensemble conductor, my flute instructor, my small ensemble instructor, some of my other friends from other classes-all know what's up. A number of them were right there when 'it' happened (thankfully). Once I have whether I have asthma or not sorted out, I will be investing in a medic alert bracelet, but there is no point in getting one right now when the diagnosis is possibly incomplete. At this point, even if they said there is no asthma, it would still be important to put something about the heart valve down, along with my new-found latex sensitivity (an emergency surgery someday with latex gloves could pose a big problem, and just because a valve perhaps isn't causing great problems at the moment doesn't mean that it couldn't start causing huge problems relatively quickly). But...I'm not about to spend the money twice!
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Busy Sunday and certain thoughts.
A 'busy' sunday involves having to miss church for volunteering at the symphony kid's concert, then walking about twenty minutes to the main downtown library, working on reading John Cage's "Lecture on Nothing", taking some notes for my Opera History exam on Bizet's Carmen, walking to catch a bus to my accompanist's place for a rehearsal for my five music festival performances, rehearsing with my accompanist, bussing home...there is still so much to do.
My rehearsal wasn't amazing. I felt like my tone was awful, I kept missing things...let's just say that I felt very discouraged. Fortunately, a text from my friend H did help to get me feeling a bit better. I think my cold was probably playing into things a bit too, I kept on feeling a bit dizzy etc.
Now for the kickers...my eating disorder thoughts have been WAY overactive the past few days. As in hating myself, hating the way I look, paranoid that being a pound or two different in weight will mean that I will never stop gaining weight and won't lose that little bit (never mind the logic that it is likely water weight, and will probably go back down given that I see this many months). You get the picture. Am I restricting? I really don't know. Have I thought about going to extreme measures? Yes, I have, although I haven't done anything. Is this normal for a person who has battled an eating disorder. Unfortunately, for many of us, yes. Eating disorders don't just go away, it's not like a cold virus. I guess a good comparison can be made to treating cancer. For many people, treating the cancer is successful, in that the disease is basically gone...however, there are after effects from the treatments or the damage that the cancer caused that will never go away. Up to 75% of kids treated for cancer have lingering effects from the treatment, I'd say that that number is probably pretty accurate in eating disorder people as well that will continue to have thoughts, or after-effects, even if they never go into full-phase again.
Time to get things back in order. Somehow, even though I am a very organized, tidy person, on friday-sunday, my room always gets a bit jumbled...plus, I have those papers to do, practising to do, perhaps some cooking to do, a schedule to figure out for the week, maybe some laundry. At least I can do everything from the comfort of fleece pajamas, with more tea. Although perhaps not green tea. I've already had four cups today.
My rehearsal wasn't amazing. I felt like my tone was awful, I kept missing things...let's just say that I felt very discouraged. Fortunately, a text from my friend H did help to get me feeling a bit better. I think my cold was probably playing into things a bit too, I kept on feeling a bit dizzy etc.
Now for the kickers...my eating disorder thoughts have been WAY overactive the past few days. As in hating myself, hating the way I look, paranoid that being a pound or two different in weight will mean that I will never stop gaining weight and won't lose that little bit (never mind the logic that it is likely water weight, and will probably go back down given that I see this many months). You get the picture. Am I restricting? I really don't know. Have I thought about going to extreme measures? Yes, I have, although I haven't done anything. Is this normal for a person who has battled an eating disorder. Unfortunately, for many of us, yes. Eating disorders don't just go away, it's not like a cold virus. I guess a good comparison can be made to treating cancer. For many people, treating the cancer is successful, in that the disease is basically gone...however, there are after effects from the treatments or the damage that the cancer caused that will never go away. Up to 75% of kids treated for cancer have lingering effects from the treatment, I'd say that that number is probably pretty accurate in eating disorder people as well that will continue to have thoughts, or after-effects, even if they never go into full-phase again.
Time to get things back in order. Somehow, even though I am a very organized, tidy person, on friday-sunday, my room always gets a bit jumbled...plus, I have those papers to do, practising to do, perhaps some cooking to do, a schedule to figure out for the week, maybe some laundry. At least I can do everything from the comfort of fleece pajamas, with more tea. Although perhaps not green tea. I've already had four cups today.
Friday, March 2, 2012
I am officially crazy
I've now definitely concluded that I am officially crazy. Here are my qualifiers:
1) It is friday after 8pm, and I am still at the university.
2) I am working (or attempting to work) on a paper for first semester (yes, it has been extended that long)
3) I am doing this despite having this cold, that at my last check, is causing me to run a low fever.
4) I was practising with that fever...had the window of the practice room open because that room typically runs hot...
5) I want to practice more...even though I would love my fleece pajamas even more than that.
6) I am not surprised that I am doing this...
This is the life of a crazy university student.
Other ways I know that I am crazy:
1) I am performing six times next week
2) I wish I could survive without sleep...
3) I found my Bernstein presentation to be very, very interesting. Okay so that part isn't as crazy as others.
4) At one point, I had more than 30 books signed out of the Music Library
5) I forgot what kind of tea I just made and was surprised to find out that I had made green tea instead of red tea.
6) I listen to music that I had to study in previous courses just for fun.
7) My backpack weighs approximately 20 pounds somedays...and I use everything in it.
8) I take along my 20th century textbook/notes/listening excerpts when I have specialist appointments.
9) My itunes library has more than 50gb just of music...most of that from CDs that I imported.
10) Neither I nor my Philosophy of Music professor could manage to get my ipod playing on the stereo system in class, so it took four other students to figure it out (can you say that I am technologically incompetent or what?)
11) I figure I will probably be up past 2am tonight to finish the Children's Art Tax Credit forms.
...and this cycle will repeat.
1) It is friday after 8pm, and I am still at the university.
2) I am working (or attempting to work) on a paper for first semester (yes, it has been extended that long)
3) I am doing this despite having this cold, that at my last check, is causing me to run a low fever.
4) I was practising with that fever...had the window of the practice room open because that room typically runs hot...
5) I want to practice more...even though I would love my fleece pajamas even more than that.
6) I am not surprised that I am doing this...
This is the life of a crazy university student.
Other ways I know that I am crazy:
1) I am performing six times next week
2) I wish I could survive without sleep...
3) I found my Bernstein presentation to be very, very interesting. Okay so that part isn't as crazy as others.
4) At one point, I had more than 30 books signed out of the Music Library
5) I forgot what kind of tea I just made and was surprised to find out that I had made green tea instead of red tea.
6) I listen to music that I had to study in previous courses just for fun.
7) My backpack weighs approximately 20 pounds somedays...and I use everything in it.
8) I take along my 20th century textbook/notes/listening excerpts when I have specialist appointments.
9) My itunes library has more than 50gb just of music...most of that from CDs that I imported.
10) Neither I nor my Philosophy of Music professor could manage to get my ipod playing on the stereo system in class, so it took four other students to figure it out (can you say that I am technologically incompetent or what?)
11) I figure I will probably be up past 2am tonight to finish the Children's Art Tax Credit forms.
...and this cycle will repeat.
Bernstein and a cold...
That pretty much sums up my day. Murphy's law dictated that I started getting a cold last night right after finishing teaching my Moonbeams One class. I tried to deny it, but it did not go away (do they ever?) So, I gave my Bernstein presentation today when just prior to it, all I wanted to do was curl up in fleece jammies with some honey lemon tea and my pillow. I had 0/3 of those, but I at least had red tea, which helped. Surprisingly, the presentation went okay, even though I had been feeling quite a bit dizzy/lightheaded beforehand and was wondering if I was going to have to do the presentation sitting down (as it was a full-class length presentation). Now, I'm just tired, my eyes hurt, my head hurts, I've got that wonderful weird feeling and I wish I had a bed here at the university! Also, I forgot my music folder downstairs in my studio last night, so I am not really able to practice here on campus. I have some Bach, sort of, in that I have the piano parts for all of the Bach flute sonatas here so that I can work on my Research Methods paper...my goal is to finish it this weekend. OR ELSE. Even with this stupid cold. So, I can still practice a bit...
Still, it could be worse. I could have come down with this cold next thursday, when I have three music festival performances in one day. OR, I could have developed a rather nasty stomach bug, like one of my good friends (I sent her virtual ginger ale, she sent me virtual honey lemon tea...). In many ways though, I feel like I only just got better from the last cold, even though it has been about a month and a half. Still, the last cold that I had took a long time to recover from....almost a month. I guess what makes the difference is that I was coughing and whatnot in-between.
Well, time to attempt to be productive...after I make some tea. It's a necessity!
Still, it could be worse. I could have come down with this cold next thursday, when I have three music festival performances in one day. OR, I could have developed a rather nasty stomach bug, like one of my good friends (I sent her virtual ginger ale, she sent me virtual honey lemon tea...). In many ways though, I feel like I only just got better from the last cold, even though it has been about a month and a half. Still, the last cold that I had took a long time to recover from....almost a month. I guess what makes the difference is that I was coughing and whatnot in-between.
Well, time to attempt to be productive...after I make some tea. It's a necessity!
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Thursday
Thursdays are generally really good days, completely filled with music! Perhaps a bit less so today, as I did not rehearse with my guitar player, nor did we have our flute sectional. Oh well. Next week is music festival week, and we are going to be insanely crazily busy!
Normally, my thursday schedule looks a little bit like this:
7:10-catch bus to university-attempt to read 20th century textbook, listen to playlist on ipod titled 'Energizing Music' (included amongst it is the MYC theme song, Beethoven's 5th symphony (1st and 4th movements), many pieces that I have played in bands/wind ensemble/orchestra over the years, Celtic Partita...) but likely not get too much read and feel guilty.
8:10-make more green tea, go practice
10:30-rehearse with my guitar player
11:30-flute sectional for Wind Ensemble
12:30-rush across campus for Wind Ensemble
1:15-Wind Ensemble rehearsal
3:30-bus home, read 20th century textbook...
4:50-prep for teaching
6:00-teach Moonbeams One
7:15-actually sit down to eat for the first time since before 7am.
...sometime after that...actually get down to schoolwork, in tonight's case, the presentation for Philosophy of Music tomorrow, on Leonard Bernstein's Norton Lectures: The Unanswered Question.
It's Murphy's Law that I feel like I am starting to come down with a cold...the night before I do a class-long presentation! HOWEVER, it could be worse. I could be coming down with a cold and doing my 3-classes-in-one-day Music Festival day NEXT thursday. Positive spin on things :)
Teaching tonight was different, as my Moonbeams class had only two students there tonight-unfortunately, my student who is struggling the most is on vacation! It really let me see just how much the other two can do, which is more than the other one can. I felt both sad and proud at the same time. Sad that it went so differently, proud of how much they can do. A confusing feeling!
Time to make some more tea...my friend C, who is a complete tea buff (even moreso than me) suggested that red tea with honey would be the best for 'preventing' a cold, if I am developing one. Worth a try!
Normally, my thursday schedule looks a little bit like this:
7:10-catch bus to university-attempt to read 20th century textbook, listen to playlist on ipod titled 'Energizing Music' (included amongst it is the MYC theme song, Beethoven's 5th symphony (1st and 4th movements), many pieces that I have played in bands/wind ensemble/orchestra over the years, Celtic Partita...) but likely not get too much read and feel guilty.
8:10-make more green tea, go practice
10:30-rehearse with my guitar player
11:30-flute sectional for Wind Ensemble
12:30-rush across campus for Wind Ensemble
1:15-Wind Ensemble rehearsal
3:30-bus home, read 20th century textbook...
4:50-prep for teaching
6:00-teach Moonbeams One
7:15-actually sit down to eat for the first time since before 7am.
...sometime after that...actually get down to schoolwork, in tonight's case, the presentation for Philosophy of Music tomorrow, on Leonard Bernstein's Norton Lectures: The Unanswered Question.
It's Murphy's Law that I feel like I am starting to come down with a cold...the night before I do a class-long presentation! HOWEVER, it could be worse. I could be coming down with a cold and doing my 3-classes-in-one-day Music Festival day NEXT thursday. Positive spin on things :)
Teaching tonight was different, as my Moonbeams class had only two students there tonight-unfortunately, my student who is struggling the most is on vacation! It really let me see just how much the other two can do, which is more than the other one can. I felt both sad and proud at the same time. Sad that it went so differently, proud of how much they can do. A confusing feeling!
Time to make some more tea...my friend C, who is a complete tea buff (even moreso than me) suggested that red tea with honey would be the best for 'preventing' a cold, if I am developing one. Worth a try!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)