That is unfortunately how I have been living the past few weeks. By crisis, I am fortunately referring to exams, essays, assignments, coachings, classes (the ones I teach). My scheduling and intentions have not developed into complete results, so I am going to have to take more dramatic measures! The first is that this weekend is catch-up weekend. Catch up meaning get caught up on ALL the readings for Opera History and 20th Century, and get the journals done for tuesday's Research Methods class. It means really considering what I am thinking about writing my essay for 20th Century on and beginning some research on that if possible (even if it is just textbook research). It means writing my Cadenza for Mozart D major concerto for my lesson on monday (actually, that's the cool part). It means practising the piano...actually practising. It means getting the sheets that I was supposed to get out to people (including Sunrise registration forms) OUT to them. And, it means getting back on my schedule and following through. I have decided that starting November 1st, I will not watch any television or videos (this is including my recent near-obsession with Victor Borge videos on youtube) until after December 15th, when I write my final exam. It means disciplining myself so that I'm not wasting so much time on various things, like hour-long lunches in the lounge (which, given everything, is not the healthiest place to be physically. Mentally, it's a good place to be for a little while because I laugh, talk with friends, and destress...but a little goes a long way). I can still salvage the term with good grades (given that they haven't been bad so far, just not quite as high as my normals and I'm definitely feeling behind), but I have to buckle down NOW and start being completely focused. I decided that I was ready for the greater workload this year, and I am now responsible for handling it. Yes, for the next few days it's going to mean continuing getting less sleep, but the rewards will be worth it.
Crisis to crisis living has meant numerous things...one, nothing feels completed to the best of my ability. Two, I am not sleeping enough. Three, I am not eating very well, and have lost about 5 or 6 pounds, which I should NOT have done (this has invoked new feelings in the ED department because once it starts it is a nearly insatiable desire to lose more). Four, I can't enjoy things as much. Five, I am not being the best teacher I can be when I am not as well-prepared. Six, well, I'm sure there's a million other reasons to stop living crisis to crisis.
I'm sure that remembering how difficult last October was is not helping, but as my new note-card-in-sparkly-marker up on my wall says, "There are no acceptable excuses". Others say things like "Nothing is ever as hard or as awkward as I fear it will be" (pretty much the only exception is when it comes to eating), "Just DO IT (already)", "Getting started is the hardest part", "Procrastination is the barrier to success. Starting on time is the bridge to success", "You don't have to start at a standard start time-you just have to start" (this is due to my perfectionist habit of having to start at 7 or 7:30 and not being great at starting at 7:07 or 7:39 etc etc), "You have the ability and the experience, so just settle down and do what you know you can do". I have a bunch also on the dresser that is right by my music stand, including "Practise! You know you love it!", "Playing makes me HAPPY!" (it does-a lot), "Fight through fatigue-the results are worth it" (I clarify this for any musician reading this that I am talking about mental fatigue, NOT physical hand/wrist/finger/arm fatigue, of which I am very careful). It's sort of a silly thing, but it kind of puts into words what I try to tell myself mentally. Seeing it there in bright sparkly marker helps make it clearer I guess.
So, this weekend will be a busy one, but I am actually really looking forward to it. Every part of, although the most exciting part will be having dessert with some friends at a crepe restaurant on saturday. I have not seen some of them for a while, and I miss them! My many friends truly are the best.
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