At this point, my mom has definitely entered her final days. She has conciously made the choice to not eat or drink anything anymore and is only accepting comfort care-no more warfarin (blood thinners due to the blood clot she developed in August), no more blood tests, nothing like that. She's said all her good-byes to me, my dad and my sister, my minister....we've finished answering the 87 questions, she's even planned out how we could possibly renovate the basement. Her obituary is written, the music is chosen, she even has told us what to cremate her in. The urn is made. I think that at this point, she's feeling like she's well, just waiting. That the longer she's here, the harder it will be for us at this point. She has declined very rapidly since entering the hospital. At this point, she cannot lift her head from the pillow or move her legs. She has even lost the ability to use a bedpan. I would guess that she's probably around 70 pounds, if that. Cancer has stolen everything. Talking is becoming a lot harder.
After yesterday, when my dad was over in the afternoon and she said that she was ready, I was a bit panicked and probably my emotions took over over the logical side of me and I felt like it could even be overnight. I fully expected to wake up to the phone at around 3:42 in the morning, and I fell asleep after 1am, with the afghan she made for me as a baby at the top of my pillow. But, that wasn't to be, and so (having already cancelled my flute lesson and my ensemble coaching) I went over with my dad for around 9:45 and we spent until about 4 there with her. Our minister was there for quite some time in the morning with us, and her presence was very comforting. My mom spent a lot of time just lying there listening to us talk-talking for her is a lot of effort now, and her breathing has become faster and more difficult. Her doctor mentioned that if she wanted, he could prescribe a small dose of morphine to help slow down the breathing if it was making her uncomfortable. So far, she hasn't chosen that.
I'm playing things day by day at this point, which is very hard for someone who likes to plan ahead. But, I guess my planning ahead is the part of me that is going, okay, if she is 'going' on such and such a day or time than I will need to cancel/reschedule/tell so-and-so. Her doctor told us that if it was just the stopping eating, it would be up to 10 days or even longer, but he figures that the cancer is really working against her now too-and of course, she's not drinking anything and is not connected to an IV except for when they send the anti-nausea drugs in through her picc line. The nurses were going to talk to the picc care crew to find out whether a 25ml per hour drip of saline would be a good idea just to keep the line nice and clear because they're using it so often. Not sure where that's going to lead yet, but that's still a fair amount of saline throughout the day, and all the saline has done is make my mom uncomfortable-it builds up in her legs, feet, and even in her one hand.
My mom just likes to have someone there with her now and I can't blame her. I want her to be at peace...but I'm going to miss her so much. My prayer right now is that she will continue to not be in much pain (just discomfort when she's been in a position too long) and that her feeling warm for a change (she's been cold for about the past year) will continue. My other prayer is that I will find the strength to lean people when I need to, because I realize I have lots of supports and that they will understand-will probably in fact feel honoured. But it isn't always easy to do that...
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