Tomorrow my mom will have been in the hospital for two weeks. Two long, long, long, long weeks. This has NOT been an easy time, which is one of the reason for my lack of posts. Yesterday I made one of the hardest decisions so far and dropped my 20th century course. It hurt...a lot. Yet, I knew that there was really no other way. I'd been getting behind in the readings, I hadn't even touched the assignment due today, and there is a midterm next week. Add to that that the doctors told my mom 2-3 months and that puts things possibly right in the middle of final exams in December. I don't think I can handle that as much as I want to be Superwoman, Superstudent, Superdaughter, Superteacher, Supermusician and all those other roles I play. 20th century is the only course I have/had that actually has exams-my intro to ethno course has a final summary report which is a little bit easier to do under extreme stress. Still, though, I feel so horrible about dropping the course. I'd never dropped a course before, and the perfectionist in me was saying that there was still a way to do it and that if I was truly a good student I would be able to stick things out and still get an A. The logical person in me said that this was really the best option, and I still have 9.5 credit hours, which is enough to be considered a full-time student, so my options for summer jobs and benefits are still open. And the course WILL be there next year, and I'll still have plenty of friends there to take it with. Yet, at the same time I feel like I'm being passed by and that makes me really sad and frustrated. Sometimes, yes, I do wonder why me, but at the same time, my mom and I both have always had the perspective of why not me. I know that the decision to drop 20th century and take it again next year will mean that I am truly doing the best thing for myself in many ways-less stress, more time with my family, and I am ensuring that I can do my best work. If I were to continue, I would probably be denying myself the possibility of an A in the course, and that was one of my main deciding factors. I spoke briefly with my professor to explain why I was dropping the course, and he was understanding. I hope he's teaching it next year because I did enjoy his style-but, the 20th century course tends to have a different professor each year if not every semester (it's two parts in the fall and winter semesters). So we'll just have to wait and see.
Today was NOT a good day, especially not from 4 onwards. One, I'm in the midst of the monthly depressive period-which, in case you're wondering does coincide with my period. My pms is really getting to the point where I need to discuss options with my doctor. It's simply getting to be not safe anymore to get this depressed where I'm almost paralyzed by it and where I become self-destructive and suicidal. Kidding to no one, that is how I get for up to 5 days out of every 32/33. So, having to deal with that, plus all sorts of other things, made me in not really the best mindset for group. Especially because this was decision making group day-whether to go on with the group, not persue anything right now or go into the intensive program (inpatient/day treatment). I don't commit to something and then back out so my answer was that I was going to continue. However, the psychologist leader had some doubts and I of course have my fears, such as how I CANNOT tolerate any weight gain. NONE ZIP NADA NOTHING. I gained about 5-6 pounds from my old set point weight when things went crazy last fall and so to me, I cannot recover or heal in any way, shape or form until I have lost that and my favourite jeans fit the way I want them to again. All of this led to a rather hysterical me while talking with the psychologist and my 5 minute discussion with her turned into at least 20 minutes ending in a rather spectacular hysterical panic attack. Then, at the end of the group I found out that my person of contact was the one person that I CANNOT stand with the group for many reasons. Put it this way, when I was doing the intake with her and was trying to explain a part of my ed-nos, how hard it was for me to have my mom losing all this weight, not eating etc etc and how I sometimes felt like I was living vicariously in her weight loss, she kept shutting me down by saying "But she's dying". Like, really, this is something I CAN explain about the ed-nos, at least give me a chance. And she said this in a really forceful-no-punches-held-back-not gentle in the least tone too! I was therefore, NOT in a good mindset upon hearing this and left the group rather upset. Flash forward about five minutes later and I'm smashing my head against the metal bus stop pole. Not so good.
I wonder if I should quit the group and try again later if only so that I don't end up with this nurse as my point of contact again and doing the assessment and such. The other two are nice. The one I've gotten stuck with? Well, a good friend of mine who has unfortunately struggled with anorexia for several years now and is just getting released from her fifth inpatient hospitalization tomorrow said "-----She's a cow". Really, it fits her perfectly.
I desperately need to talk to Bethany tomorrow. Let's just say I am crazy overwhelmed angry upset disappointed sad frustrated unsure confused and about ten thousand other emotions.
This time, my mom is not going to be coming home. Her oncologist at the cancer clinic sent in the paper work for referral to palliative care today. I expect that she'll be moving upstairs from the medical unit to the palliative care unit and that will be all. I figure that by the end of the week, she will be to weak to walk even the few feet to the washroom, even with help. Already, she cannot get up from the toilet by herself. Tonight, they needed two people to do so. Actually, as it turned out, a friend from church came up to see her just as the aide was struggling with her in the washroom. Well, he's a health care aide, so he just jumped right in.
I get to see my mom tomorrow. I just wish that we could really have a proper hug together once again. And now I'm crying...yet again...
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