I am SO nervous about tomorrow, with starting the new group and all. I met again with the nurse practitioner today, and basically my blood tests are okay, except that I have a very low iron store-not what is CURRENTLY on the blood cells I guess, but that there isn't much when that gets used up, something like that. I figure I'm one of the only clients that can understand what everything on that blood test result sheet means-I knew because of all the research I had done last year to help my mom interpret her blood test results. Anyways...meeting with the nurse practitioner made me not feel like eating and all I can think about right now is losing weight (although I don't suddenly want all those new pants that I got but haven't hemmed yet to be TOO too big-this is called I had time for shopping in the early fall but not for getting things altered and pretty much all my pants were wearing out at the same time. I REALLY have to start getting things hemmed though. REALLY have to). All I can think about, instead of practicing and the history readings I need to do is how I can skip dinner tomorrow and no one will know and things like that. Planning out when I can skip meals. I know, not good.

I desperately just want to be a normal student again (back to normal course load, normal practicing, going to the gym) but I'm finding it so hard to get back into it. I come home with good intentions, and then get swept up in my escapism of stuff on my computer, knitting, reading and suddenly then it's 8:30 or 9:30 or even later and I feel horrible and stressed. I'm feeling like the longer I am not a normal student with studying and things like that that maybe I'll never be able to be a normal student again!!!! It's really stressing me...

I have no clue how tomorrow is going to go and it's terrifying. And right now, nobody but the Women's Health Clinic people even know that I'm going (tomorrow that is). I guess right now I'm feeling like I'm shouldering this thing completely on my own. Not a single person in my faculty (well currently attending that is) knows that I'm going to the this new group, and only one person (one of my closest friends from high school, a clarinet major) knew I was going to the other group. With my mom, after a while, pretty much everyone had figured things out and were there for me, and yes this is a very different issue, but I guess well I just would like a hug right now. It's silly really, you know, I live with my dad, why don't I just go and get one from him, but I can't. I can semi-hug him, but I can't accept one from him. It's like I'm showing that I'm not a rock if I do that. Which is silly, I know.

I'm just terrified about tomorrow and worried about this semester. I've been considering talking to maybe one or two of the other flute members in my flute section or something like that, I mean, I've known them for quite some time and they're awesome...but it's just there's this whole other part of me that no one knows-except for my one friend from high school there. I don't know...the whole idea is also terrifying. I'm not sure...but I guess I just feel like if I can't get support from family for various reasons, I need some support at school....