Four Months

Has it really been four months? Four months since I was last able to connect at all with the woman who gave me life? Some days it feels like it's been a lot longer...other days I still think I see her in the audience at my wind ensemble concert etc etc. And yet...life is easier now. That's what makes me feel very guilty. One thing that has been strange is in how I talk-I have to change all the tenses when I talk about my mom. It still feels weird to say "My mom used to say" instead of "My mom says" or something along those lines. What I really miss is...well...a lot of things. Although...I don't miss her constant worrying! I do feel a little more free. When I was staying at my sister's place last week I had to walk about 10 minutes down her street in the dark after my group. What came to my mind was the thought "If my mom had a grave, she would be rolling over in it right now!"

February has not been a particularly easy month, starting right at the start when I forgot to get my medication on February 1st. From there it was a bit of a downhill slide with sleeping, and then subsequently waking up later, and not practicing and then getting behind in school stuff. I ended up dropping my Race and Immigration history class. What bothers me is how hard getting down to studying for my midterm in The Vietnam War has been these past two weeks. I started studying...today. Urgh. My problem was that I got so stressed out about it that I couldn't get started. Once I got started I was fine. At least on the bus. I'm reminding myself that it's only 20% of the grade, and now that I've scheduled the rest of the semester, I will feel less stressed with the final exam and final 3000 word essay, each of which are worth 40% of my final grade. And an A in this course is 80%-in music courses, an A is 90%. It's a little bit relieving to know that and then figure in the 20% grade.

I had several appointments over my reading week. One of them was with a psychiatrist to discuss medications. I've been on only the seroquel for more than a year and a half now, and at that same dose of seroquel for more than 2 and a half years. What it boils down to is that I didn't know whether this dose or even the drug was really still working. And, to be honest, I was worried about possible complications from the Seroquel. The appointment, although dredging up some things, was quite reassuring, and I've been given the 'go ahead' to discuss a different line of anti-depressents with my doctor (because of the risks in patients under 25 and because I've had bad reactions in the past, she won't prescribe anything new without a psychiatrist's recommendation). Previously, I'd been on three medications in the family called SSRIS, which are relatively new-came out in the late eighties, I think. None has been a positive experience to say the least, and two caused significant short-term damage in both physical and emotional/mental side effects. It's a pretty safe assumption to say that this class of drugs is not very effective for me. So, the next step is to look at a class of drugs called tricyclics, which are just as effective, if not more so, over the SSRIS. They used to be prescribed quite frequently, but when Prozac and the rest of the SSRIS hit the market, they were pushed aside-mostly because they are much easier to overdose on. And, perhaps, because many doctors and patients jump onto 'new things'-especially drugs. I have to figure out a time in my schedule to see my doctor, which isn't easy because of how far the university is from my neck of the woods. I'd sort of meant to do it during reading week...but never got around to it. I did however end up seeing the dietician, the psychiatrist and my counsellor, plus the group session. And having a flute lesson. Perhaps with all of that going on, it isn't quite as much of a wonder as to why I didn't get into the studying during reading week. It's very frustrating though, I just wish that I had more time-and that I could have some of the anxiety/stress that prevents me from getting started studying (once I'm started, it's fine-it's getting there) lifted.