Nerves

Yes, the reality has sunk in that tomorrow I go get an echocardiogram done, and hopefully find out what has gone wrong, and what can be done to help me be my normal self again. Which means that right now I am nervous. Yes, the most serious things were ruled out two weeks ago...but...well...here's a list of some of the things I am currently nervous about:

-that things will have worsened over two weeks (ie, although I was not in heart failure two weeks ago, I will be showing signs of stuff like that tomorrow)
-that I will have to take time off of school or teaching
-that I won't ever get back to playing my flute properly
-that I would need a valve replaced (repaired I am less concerned about, but replaced, I don't like the idea of a foreign object in me, and having to take blood thinners the rest of my life)
-that any medications that might be prescribed will not work
-that any medications prescribed will have disastrous side effects like worsening my fatigue or making me gain weight (yes, that is basically what I am worried about-not allergic reactions but those two things)
-that if things start getting better my body will decide to spring up past my 'set point' of 85-86 pounds.
-that I will be reliant on my dad for more things then I want to be
-that I will not be allowed to go to the gym once I'm feeling more normal
-that I won't be allowed to drive
-that there will be nothing they can do
-that there is something more serious then heart valves going on (read back to the 'reasons for high protein levels in the blood' post and realize that that can mean bone marrow issues)
-perhaps in some ways the most frightening to me, that they will not find anything which means that I won't be able to function normally as a student or teacher-the very things that mean so much to me. Yes, my faith means more to me then those, but that is my life's work-developing the skills in University to be the best teacher, performer and scholar that I can be, and then teaching and performing.

I need to trust that whatever happens tomorrow and in the subsequent days, weeks, and months, that this is God's plan for me and that I am not walking alone.