Half an hour

For a university student, being only able to practice in half-hour segments is frustrating. I had a bit of a moment earlier this evening when I found at the end of about half an hour of practising that I really needed to stop for a while. Orchestra starts up again on January 4th, and it's more than 2 hours of rehearsal...then Wind Ensemble on the 5th. I was getting upset and concerned that I wouldn't be back to a level that I could do those rehearsals, but I have calmed down a bit and realized that it is still a week away, that I have come quite a ways from December 7th, and that I still need to be patient and optimistic. I was even able to run to catch my buses today to and from my piano lesson, despite it being quite cold out (almost -20). My lungs didn't appreciate it too much though, but I was able to! Four minutes of running is impressive even if it wasn't anywhere near top speed. Two weeks ago, it was incredibly tiring just to put in a load of laundry. Well, it's still not normal, but it's better. It IS very hard accepting that whatever happened/is happening, is not something that I can bounce back from in a couple of days like a sore throat or stomach virus. Really, the last time I had anything more than a cold was in grade twelve when I had bronchitis. In total, I missed two classes...maybe (I honestly don't remember my schedule from then!). And the only reason I missed them was less because I felt sick and more because I felt super emotional and not safe. Well, okay, part of the reason I was more emotional was because I was sick, but the main reason was, upon going to pick up a pre-cal test because I had decided that even though I really could function still, I should go home (my fever being above 100.4 when I had checked it in the washroom-my own idea to take the thermometer in my purse that day-my mom didn't know how sick I really was)-I found out that I hadn't done as well as I thought I had, and I didn't feel 'safe'. In the end, I went to the library to work on a presentation that my friend and I were doing on women during the middle ages for History of Western Civilization the next day. THEN I went home. The next day, I was a bit better in the morning, but got worse as the day went along, and by evening I was on the couch with a fever of almost 102. It was a friday, and I figured I would just let it stay for a while...I even wrote a newspaper article (part of my advanced placement english class) while sick that evening. I took tylenol and cold medicine before going to bed, and woke up with no fever, although my cough was still terrible (so much so that at orchestra that saturday afternoon-yes, I was crazy and went to orchestra, showed how much I loved it!-my friend wanted to drive me to the hospital). I never did get antibiotics, but given that my cough and other symptoms were worse (but similar) to when I had bronchitis when I was twelve (and was diagnosed with it by my doctor), I knew that that's what I had. Since then, until now, I have not had anything more than a cold, mild headache cured either by time, sleep (if at night) or tylenol (okay, except for 2 during my first summer job when I was 19, but I think those were somehow food related), mild food related stomach issues, or sleep deprivation. Of course, I would have preferred to get something that has a definitive end to it! With an ear infection, cold, stomach virus, etc, you know that you might feel bad for a day, three days, or even a week or so, but that after that you will be back to normal. I have no guarantee on being back to normal, nor any timeline. That's what makes this difficult. Not knowing exactly what's wrong, not knowing what to do to make things better (besides common sense), not knowing how long it's going to take, not knowing if I could have another severe episode that launches things back to 'square one' recovery (or worse)...I hate not knowing.

I just have to keep my faith though. God has not abandoned me, and even with whatever is going on, I am blessed beyond the ability to comprehend it.

Random bible verse for today- Isaiah 38: 16 "Lord, you discipline is good, for it leads to life and health. You have restored my health and have allowed me to live!"

That is actually quite powerful...especially as I turned to that page randomly.