From someone titled Cassavelia (something like that)
While I can appreciate the value you place on virginity, sex is part of a normal functioning human.
It's simply not healthy to reach past the age of majority without having some sort of physical interaction with the gender to which you are attracted.
I mean no offense, but perhaps you may wish to seek help in evaluating your sex life.
(My comments...really?)
I think it is really sad that all of you are saying that she is wrong for not having a sexual relationship. So are you telling your kids (if you have any), you better go out and sleep with someone because if you don't there must be something wrong with you and you will need professional help
- 6
- !
I'm not offended by her post, but I am concerned for her well-being.
Such behaviour is not normal, at least outside of the constrictive social standards of, say, Saudi Arabia.
Mike,
I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about plain old physical contact with someone.
Human babies die if they are not touched.
It is completely normal and healthy for people to hold hands, hug, and kiss one another. All are also very acceptable in our society, especially after age 16 or so.
I'm not talking about intercourse. Just friendly, rather chaste, physical contact.Mike-3071514
@Cassivella : I don't know about you but this statement is not about holding hands:
"I mean no offense, but perhaps you may wish to seek help in evaluating your sex life"
- 2
- !
Mike,
Sex life involves a lot more than simply intercourse.
It's cuddling, feeding each other spaghetti, loaning a jacket, sharing a chap-stick, holding hands, hugging, kissing, biting, licking, etc.
There is a multitude of ways to express intimacy.
It isn't normal in American culture to not have some sort of sex life, especially once you reach college.
Most American girls have at least held hands with a boy. I think I did that in 4th grade.
Heck, I think something like 40% of girls have had intercourse before they are 16.
It's completely respectable and fine to wait until you are married for intercourse. I did it. I'm making no judgement calls here.
However, it simply is not healthy to disassociate yourself so much from the gender to which you are attracted that you have had no physical contact with them whatsoever.Eric 97
Half your friends are lying and the other half are using the Clinton definition of virgin...
- 5
- !
Comment collapsed by the communityIf more people were virgins, the pool of possible donors would rise. I think her complaint was valid, and while maybe not directly on point, it does go onto a valid tangent. Yes, total abstinence and chastity are extreme for her age, but I applaud her and her friends. I advised my own kids to not worry about dating until after college: all relationships take time and money and effort, and all of those should be going to education and building a future; once you get out of college and get a good job, then you can look for a mate. Until then, have friends of the opposite sex, or non serious dating relationships.
Anyhow, more virgins would make for a much larger donor pool; and with all the STD and other diseases out there, anyone single with more than two sexual partners per year is living dangerously. And, finally: they are not saying you cannot donate, they are just saying the recipient should be warned and given an option. Some of the extremist here say that in a life or death situation everyone would take a riskier organ, and I agree; but how many recipients actually only have hours to live and HAVE to take any organ that comes available? If they have the luxery of time, maybe some would rather not take an increased risk, and would appreciate knowing more information before they move forward.
- 4
- !
I was also rather annoyed by the assumption that all college students are promiscuous. I didn't know that many virgins, but there were lots of girls I knew who only were intimate with long-term boyfriends and many of these couples did wind up eventually marrying. There's a lot of middle ground between virgin and slut.
- 4
- !
"Virginity at that age is unnatural."
Really? In what medical journal might this be cited? Making an inane comment like this as a "purported professional" speaks to your wisdom, not hers. Time to change your faux-name, poser.
- 3
- !
Such behaviour is not normal, at least outside of the constrictive social standards of, say, Saudi Arabia.Virginity at that age is unnatural.
That's ridiculous. You people are insane. Sex is a bodily function... It's not a need. No one drops dead for lack of sex. Get your head of of your porn.
Lot's of people, sometimes out of choice, sometimes because they're physically unable, never have sex their entire lives.
- 5
- !
Everyone can be as offended as they want, but the reality is that many college students are sexually active and I would wager that a lot of them are with more than one partner per year. Yes, there is a LOT of ground between being a virgin or a slut. I do not think that someone who has two partners in the span of 12 months is a slut or a manwhore or whatever derogatory description people come up with...
Let's say a high school student is with her boy friend for four years and they have sex after graduation. They move on to college and break up in the first month. Three months later, he meets a great girl. She meets a great guy. They wait 7 months to sleep together. BAM that's two in one year.
Is it virginal behavior? Of course not. But it's not sinister either. This scenario is actually far more responsible than most I have ever heard of. Anyone who doesn't think so needs to get real with themselves. Just because you may not be doing it, doesn't mean it's not happening in the real world. And it doesn't mean that those that are having sex are worthy of scarlet letter.
- 2
- !
journal,
You aren't reading the posts. And you are squishing two commentators' posts together into one quote.
By American standards, it IS abnormal to be college-aged and to not have had physical contact with someone of a gender to which you are attracted.
This is as simple as holding hands or hugging. Few people make it to age 20 without having done these simple acts.
This isn't a judgement statement. It is simply a fact.
People do die from lack of contact. Infants will fail to thrive and die if they are deprived of physical contact.
Once again, we are not talking about intercourse. We are talking about intimate physical touching such as holding hands, hugging, and kissing - things that would make for a rather poor porn movie.
Perhaps you should try to read the posts before you decide to attack people.
- 3
- !
What about kissing? Why do people HAVE to touch others of the opposite sex (or the same sex if they're homosexual) in order to be normal. Love can come from other places. She's probably not deprived of "physical contact" like some poor baby on a prison floor. I'm sure she has friends and family.
Love is necessary, sex is not. Love and physical contact does not have to come from potential a sexual partner to be beneficial.
End of story.
- 2
- !
journal
We aren't talking about "potential sexual partners".
I'm simply talking about how it is normal for a 20 year old woman to hold hands, hug, or kiss someone she is dating, whereas statistically it is abnormal in our culture for that same woman to never have held hands, hugged, or kissed someone she is dating.
Humans express love physically. Not just sexual love, but platonic friendship - hugs, pats on the back, pats on the arms.
Touching feels good because we need it, and we need it because it feels good.
- 1
- !
Statistically it may be "abnormal" but it isn't unheard of. I was also rather annoyed by that statement that every college student would be considered high-risk: I'm in college, a virgin, and I plan to keep it that way. I do have religious reasons for doing so, but beyond that, I've seen what promiscuity can do to a person in terms of their ability to maintain long term, healthy relationships. I've also seen what abstinence can do, which is promote them. I'm not saying that you MUST be abstinent in order to maintain a healthy marriage later in life...but my experience is that it helps tremendously. Plus there are plenty of health and social reasons for it...I'm not going to take ANY sort of chance of starting a family before I am ready to do so, especially not for the cheap thrill of a one-night stand.
That being said, I still think that Cassivella would consider me "abnormal" simply because I did not date in high school. I had a middle school "boyfriend" of the sitting-together-at-lunch variety...never kissed him, held hands ONCE. Fast forward five years...graduated from high school having not dated at all, but with plenty of close guy friends. I cherished my guy friends because I had absolved myself of the pressure to get into a relationship with one of them, so I could just hang out without any awkward tensions. I was better friends with guys than I was girls - not as much cattiness, and because I wasn't high-pressure or high-maintenance, they felt safe around me so they would actually talk to me. That being said, my best friend junior and senior year was a guy whom I'd known since middle school who shared a ton of interests and activities with me. He did ask me to prom and we went "as friends", but we were close enough by then that it wasn't weird at all when he asked me out during the summer and kissed me. We dated for a couple months, then he moved across the country for college. We're still best friends, but he's dating someone else.
Go ahead and call me abnormal for not chasing guys...I'd like a relationship as much as the next girl, but unlike the majority of the female teenage population of this nation, I am not going to make getting a guy my be-all-end-all in order to define myself. I respect myself too much for that, and I wish others would realize the same, for their sakes.
That being said, I still think that Cassivella would consider me "abnormal" simply because I did not date in high school. I had a middle school "boyfriend" of the sitting-together-at-lunch variety...never kissed him, held hands ONCE. Fast forward five years...graduated from high school having not dated at all, but with plenty of close guy friends. I cherished my guy friends because I had absolved myself of the pressure to get into a relationship with one of them, so I could just hang out without any awkward tensions. I was better friends with guys than I was girls - not as much cattiness, and because I wasn't high-pressure or high-maintenance, they felt safe around me so they would actually talk to me. That being said, my best friend junior and senior year was a guy whom I'd known since middle school who shared a ton of interests and activities with me. He did ask me to prom and we went "as friends", but we were close enough by then that it wasn't weird at all when he asked me out during the summer and kissed me. We dated for a couple months, then he moved across the country for college. We're still best friends, but he's dating someone else.
Go ahead and call me abnormal for not chasing guys...I'd like a relationship as much as the next girl, but unlike the majority of the female teenage population of this nation, I am not going to make getting a guy my be-all-end-all in order to define myself. I respect myself too much for that, and I wish others would realize the same, for their sakes.
Oh, and I fully expected to make it to college without kissing a boy or doing any more than that one hand-hold from middle school. It's probably a lot less "abnormal" than you think.
- 2
- !
RJH
You are certainly taking my comments to the extreme.
I simply said it was abnormal for someone to be in college without ever touching someone of the opposite sex, as musicgirl asserts.
You have done so. You have held hands. You have probably danced at the prom. You have had a kiss.
I am not sure why you would think your situation would apply. You are chasing a logical fallacy.
You all are obviously getting yourselves all upset and not actually reading what I am posting.
For the 50th time, I am not talking about sexual intercourse.
I am talking about simple physical touch.
It is abnormal to make it to college without physically touching someone you have dated.
Most people, even blind dates, will hold hands, touch an arm, or even hug at the end of a date.
RJH, I bet you even hugged one of your guy friends at some point.
So, please actually read the words I type instead of deciding to read into and between the words.
- 2
- !
I'd like to clarify a few things...I have never been on a date. For one thing, I was not allowed to in high school. PLUS, I was way too busy prepping at my really tough high school to maintain my 95% average, practicing two instruments daily for my university audition, jazz band, worship team, volunteering, youth symphony orchestra...
I have numerous guy friends, and I have given some of them hugs. I'm not counting this at all, because it was platonic on BOTH sides. I have not had a 'romantic' relationship at all, mostly because of two reasons: ONE, I am incredibly busy, and TWO, the guys at my faculty are either TAKEN, INCREDIBLY STRANGE (although nice...) or gay. My faculty is very small, so it's not hard to see how this could happen.
Do I sometimes want to have a relationship (not sexual...again, that is part of my beliefs for numerous reasons, not just my Christian beliefs, but because I believe it is healthiest on ALL levels)? Yes, definitely, especially when I see my friends getting engaged or married. Do I feel like my life is incomplete right now because I'm not in a relationship and have never been in one? NOT AT ALL! Do I feel that I could live my life without this ever happening? Yes, I believe that I could be complete even if I never get married. There is so much more to life than marriage.
Sexual activity is not a need, it is a desire. I believe it can be a healthy thing in the correct setting, but we are living in an over-sexualized society and it repulses me. It's one reason I basically do not watch tv (besides the fact that I am too busy!!!!)
There is nothing wrong with me for not having been in a relationship. I hug my friends, get hugs from the students I teach, get the occasional shoulder rub from a friend or colleague, etc. Yes, we humans need touch, but it does not have to be sexual in any nature!
I would also like to add that one reason I have not done any pursuit of a relationship is simply that I felt I had too much to work through to put that on someone. My mom was diagnosed with cancer at this time two years ago, and for a year I watched her struggle through three different chemotherapy protocols that all failed, surgery that failed, blood clots, intestinal obstruction, kidney failure, a collapsed lung due to fluid, and finally death in November of 2010. I wasn't about to start a relationship then, I was too fragile. It's only recently that I've really felt that that might even be a possibility.
Plenty of my friends have never been on a date either, and not all of them even follow my Christian beliefs. Some of them are Christian, some are Jewish, some are agnostic, some are atheist, one is buddhist I believe. Young people in university/college from all walks of life are waiting for various reasons. This is not a black and white subject.
I might add that I don't really dance. Lol. For one thing, I'm horrible at it, and I went to a mennonite high school/junior high, so we didn't have dances. The ones that were around in my grade six middle school were too noisy for me, so I would read in the library.
I don't think there is anything wrong with me. I get hugs everyday, and will continue to do so, whether or not I am ever in a relationship. I am secure with who I am, and I believe that things will figure themselves out...if I am meant to meet someone, or pursue other options, it will become clear. For now, I'm happy being the crazy-busy fourth year music student and teacher that I am.
My university is in Canada, which I believe has a slightly lower rate of young people being sexually active. Not much, but I think about 5-10%. All studies, however, show that young people are waiting longer to become active, which I do support.
- !
I would suggest that you double check that what you are feeling is actually you feeling this, and not what your elders/teachers/clergy expect you to feel.
BTW - It's completely possible to date and have a full social life with the activities you described.
I was involved in many of the same (although the idea of a worship "team" is rather disturbing), along with other - yet I still had time to engage my social needs.
I graduated with a 4.0 and received a full-ride scholarship plus living stipend to one of the world's largest universities, where I also maintained a 4.0 and went on to eventually get a doctorate.
So don't look at dating as something you have to trade in in order to be successful. Intimate activity, whether it is hand holding or sexual intercourse, is something that is part of life, not something that is a distraction.
Just make sure that it is you that is making this decision, and not your clergy or parents. If you are an adult, you can make these choices yourself.
If you choose to live in this manner, I will still say I disagree as I believe the religion in which you were raised has a poor and unhealthy view of women in general, but especially women's sexuality, in all the myriad ways it is expressed.
However, it is certainly your choice, and no one else's choice.
I'm sorry to hear of your mother's passing, and I do wish you well.
I don't intend any judgement against you, I just simply worry, even about strangers, when something like this is presented (although your further information does make your relationships more "normal" looking).
So, regardless of our differences of opinions, I do wish you well.
- !
I'd like to clarify a few things...I have never been on a date. For one thing, I was not allowed to in high school. PLUS, I was way too busy prepping at my really tough high school to maintain my 95% average, practicing two instruments daily for my university audition, jazz band, worship team, volunteering, youth symphony orchestra...
In other words...you aren't a virgin by choice.
Perhaps that's a little bit of a joke there, but seriously this story isn't about YOU. Nobody really cares. By your outrage you are suggesting that your choice is somehow superior. It is not. Sex is not dirty. It's a natural function. No other species of animal on this planet celebrates "virginity". You would likely be chased away and thought of as odd.
Kindly get over yourself.
- !
Thank you MarineDoc. A little harsh, but I was thinking the same thing.
Listen, I'm sorry about what happened to your Mom. That's a terrible thing and my heart goes out to you for your struggles.
But, posting your many accomplishments is a little much. We get that your busy, but everyone is busy. All woman should know that you can have a healthy relationship and still be successful. If your significant other doesn't like that, then find a new one. I've broken up with two major boyfriends because, when push came to shove, they had issues with my work commitments and I don't regret it. Now, I feel luck because I think I finally found the right one for me.
MusicGirl, just for the record, I went to college prep boarding school for high school, then a prestigious university. I graduated college cum laude in 3.5 years, despite the fact that I worked nights, joined a sorority, had a boyfriend, volunteered frequently, entered photography contests, took some extra classes for fun and *gasp* even went to parties and had a social life. I secured a job a couple of weeks after I graduated and worked my way up the ranks in the media industry in Manhattan before moving on to run my own department at the company I am at now.
Girls, you can have a life and still be successful.
- !
Hardly, I am 4'9 and 82 pounds. It IS my choice, on everything. I have friends, go to parties that I WANT to, but I don't drink or do anything like that. I do have a life...for me, my life is being at my faculty, spending time with my friends there or outside doing our music activities, teaching, taking care of things at home, etc, etc.
Yes, I do plan on holding off on sex until marriage IF I ever chose to get married, which I might not. That is MY choice, not one that is REQUIRED of me. My church actually has had very little to say on the matter, and my parents besides the non-dating have basically NEVER talked about sexual activity. My decisions were my own.
I am not offended by the choices of my friends that have chosen to engage in sexual activity, it is just that, their choice. My only offense at all with the article was the general statement that ALL college-age students would have to be declared promiscuous. Because that is not the case.
I like my life. A lot, actually. I have numerous friends that I can trust and love to hang out with, I LOVE LOVE LOVE my studies at the university and my teaching career, I enjoy good books, knitting, running, sewing, cooking, volunteering, etc etc...I just think that in all of this, until now, I have not ever even felt ready to date, due to either life circumstances or sheer busyness. If I date, I want to be able to give the proper amount of time to that person. I couldn't do that in high school for one thing, and I didn't feel it was the right time when my family was struggling so much. For me, not dating has been the best decision. I have seen too many young people, especially before 18 or 19 (high school) get VERY involved with someone, only to have it break off reaaaaaaallly miserably, and have them suffering for a long time. I never saw the need to submit myself to that, and I know that that was one of the main reasons my parents didn't want either myself or my sister dating in high school. They wanted us to be able to focus our time on our friends, our studies and our other activities such as my sister's gymnastics or my flute studies.
I do take offence at the statements that I am not thinking from my own mind (I am, and always have), or that I am 'fugly'. Just because a young woman is single and is happy that way does not mean that she is either unattractive or confined by others. I might wear glasses, but that's about all all. I've definitely had compliments in the past, and even a couple of guys who wanted to go out with me, including, I might add, one now, that I have agreed to go out to coffee with. I'm not calling it a date, as I barely know him, but who knows? It could develop into something.
If others believe in freedom for their sexual actions, then I believe in my freedom to not be sexually active and to be single for as long as I feel is right for me.
As I've said many a time, I do not feel anything is wrong with me, and I like who I am. Every time I teach, or perform, or am there for someone, I really feel like that is part of who I am. And isn't liking who you are and being confident in yourself the most important thing for mental and emotional health anyways?
- !
My personal opinion is that you are mistaking the unnatural high you get out of your addiction to religion for having a happy life.
But, that is also your choice to continue to submit.
You have too many poor excuses as to why you do not pursue romantic relationships. You have a rather backward view of what a female should be able to accomplish. You don't seem to believe that a female is capable of handling a boyfriend/husband/family along with work or school commitments.
Your views are not normal by American (either US or Canadian) standards, so when you expressive your opinion so loudly, you should expect to receive some flak.
But, it is your life.
If you chose to be married to your religion as opposed to a real human being, I can only feel sorry for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment