Frustrated

I am so utterly frustrated with my lungs. I just want to be able to breath properly all the time, not just for small snippets of time. The past two days have not been very good with breathing, and I am sick and tired of it. I also don't want to be having to lie down in the middle of the day, which has now happened three times in the past few  days...wednesday, friday and today (perhaps it is an every-other-day trend?). Okay, so today's wasn't exactly lying down, but I did close my eyes for most of my friend M's 4th year clarinet recital. At least I wasn't sleeping though, I would not have been able to forgive myself for that! It was quite nice, and coincidently, I ended up sitting right behind her clarinet teacher, so I was able to tell her-and her mom!-that I saw him nodding a lot, keeping time with her playing, and being the first one to clap. All very good signs! Did I mention that I have now had problems breathing for almost FOUR months? I just want to be able to breath, and play my flute properly all the time. I know that that was part of why festival didn't go as I would have liked this year. I'm going to guess that it probably contributed to how nervous I became-out of the blue, and all of a sudden-when I basically don't get nervous before a performance. I have never really had problems with being nervous playing my flute. Piano, a bit, but even then it's never been something I couldn't handle. Tuesday's performance of the 2nd mvt of Bach's E minor sonata FELL APART. The first two lines were great, I entered confidently and with character, just as I rehearsed it, but when I hit the sixteenth notes, my fingers basically stopped functioning properly, and I really didn't get back into until the recapitulation at the end. The other classes weren't disaster-disasters but I certainly didn't play as well as I could have, and usually do. When I played my unaccompanied Telemann Fantasia #10, I was shaking so badly that I basically couldn't breath, and everything was so tight. It was pretty awful. And I only received an 84 in the class, ONE MARK away from moving on to Trophy class. I was SO ticked with the adjudicator, and she did it to a number of other people as well. I actually started crying after that. Her marks were really messed up though, as she gave a person who really flubbed everything up an 85, and then me and S, who basically played perfectly (although I took things a little slower) an 84. I am really looking forward to talking with my flute teacher L tomorrow...

All this makes me pretty panicked about how my jury is going to go in a few weeks time...and juries are worth a LOT more. And, it's my final jury of my music school career. Which is crazy, come to think of it. Also, my last performance assessment is due tomorrow. My last performance assessment ever. More craziness.

I suppose I should get on that performance assessment...!