Busy Sunday and certain thoughts.

A 'busy' sunday involves having to miss church for volunteering at the symphony kid's concert, then walking about twenty minutes to the main downtown library, working on reading John Cage's "Lecture on Nothing", taking some notes for my Opera History exam on Bizet's Carmen, walking to catch a bus to my accompanist's place for a rehearsal for my five music festival performances, rehearsing with my accompanist, bussing home...there is still so much to do.

My rehearsal wasn't amazing. I felt like my tone was awful, I kept missing things...let's just say that I felt very discouraged. Fortunately, a text from my friend H did help to get me feeling a bit better. I think my cold was probably playing into things a bit too, I kept on feeling a bit dizzy etc.

Now for the kickers...my eating disorder thoughts have been WAY overactive the past few days. As in hating myself, hating the way I look, paranoid that being a pound or two different in weight will mean that I will never stop gaining weight and won't lose that little bit (never mind the logic that it is likely water weight, and will probably go back down given that I see this many months). You get the picture. Am I restricting? I really don't know. Have I thought about going to extreme measures? Yes, I have, although I haven't done anything. Is this normal for a person who has battled an eating disorder. Unfortunately, for many of us, yes. Eating disorders don't just go away, it's not like a cold virus. I guess a good comparison can be made to treating cancer. For many people, treating the cancer is successful, in that the disease is basically gone...however, there are after effects from the treatments or the damage that the cancer caused that will never go away. Up to 75% of kids treated for cancer have lingering effects from the treatment, I'd say that that number is probably pretty accurate in eating disorder people as well that will continue to have thoughts, or after-effects, even if they never go into full-phase again.

Time to get things back in order. Somehow, even though I am a very organized, tidy person, on friday-sunday, my room always gets a bit jumbled...plus, I have those papers to do, practising to do, perhaps some cooking to do, a schedule to figure out for the week, maybe some laundry. At least I can do everything from the comfort of fleece pajamas, with more tea. Although perhaps not green tea. I've already  had four cups today.