Due to the large amount of work that I need to get done, I declined going to the symphony tonight, even though I really would like to hear what's being played. I guess I have to settle for my ipod on shuffle (right now on Mahler 1)...this, in conjunction with a bunch of things has led to some pretty intense upsetness/depression setting in this evening. Fortunately, I have gotten a bit better of a handle on it...by listing everything I could think of that was making me upset and unable to work properly.
Starting with the very first on the list, and the main reason:
-I have so much difficulty with breathing and the medical field hasn't helped yet. My chest really bothers me, and I'm sick of having to lie down in the afternoon because I'm tired (this happened again today).
-I don't want to go back to my prescribed dose of seroquel, because I'm terrified that it's going to hurt my heart or make it impossible for me to stay awake/get up.
-I have 3 papers, an exam, a presentation, and my jury coming up in the next three weeks (or thereabouts) and I don't feel good about any of them.
-I am really worried that I will fall apart physically like I did last semester
-I am terrified that if I do my jury I'm going to get nervous like at festival or I will not be able to breathe properly...like at festival.
-I am needing to have some companionship with friends and reach out, but we are all crazy-busy, I hate being needy, and feel bad about burdening them.
-I am really worried about my grade for major practical study.
-I feel like the 20th century report I handed in wasn't very good.
-I am concerned about my grade for small ensemble...
-I am sad that Wind Ensemble is over, perhaps forever for me.
-I am really going to miss N (one of my closest friends since the first day of grade seven) when she goes away (as a positive note...crazy positive note...she found out yesterday that she was accepted to Oxford for her Master's! Not joking in the least!!!!)
-I am concerned about Dad because of the way he's been acting like he's concerned (the way he was going about changing the executors and the will and whatnot with such a sense of urgency, and how he kept talking about it over and over and over again)
-I am worried about hurting my hands/wrists
-I am worried that I seemed irresponsible to M. because I had forgotten about when the call time/dress rehearsal for next sunday's concert is, and sent out an email asking.
-I am worried that my teeth have problems going on.
-I am concerned for my friend S and her health (she's the one with the breast lumps)
-I am worried that my paper might not be accepted by Professor M. and I will be stuck with an F on my transcript.
-I am unsure what to do about summer courses
There is a children's book out there called "When my worries get too big". I've never actually read it, but that's about how I feel right now!!!
However, in all of this, I managed to be productive and came up with a card of my dos and don'ts for being upset.
When I am upset:
Do: Try to identify why Don't: Ignore it
Do: Make a cup of tea Don't: Eat sugary things
Do: Practice or listen to music Don't: Think about all the things my friends have
accomplished this year musically.
Do: Reach out to others by facebook, phone, Don't: Hide away
email or in person
Do: Give myself a few minutes Don't: Beat myself up
Do: Think about all that is good Don't: Compare myself to others
Do: Go for a walk or stretch Don't: Curl up in the dark
Do: Work to get things fixed Don't: Procrastinate further
Do: Pray, blog, write in my journal Don't: Start questioning my faith or friendships
Do: Watch, read or listen to things that I find funny Don't: Participate in things that I know will make
me upset
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