Yesterday evening, I found out that one of the children whose journey I had been following on Caringbridge died. She had a successful bone marrow transplant I think it was 43 days ago, however, about two weeks ago, she developed a host of infections, including CMV, and pneumonia, caused by a rare fungal infection. She had surgery to remove the fungus from her nose and then a full lobe of her lung (because it was so diseased from the fungus) late last week, I think on thursday, and for two days, she was doing pretty well, had actually come down quite a bit on her oscillator and oxygen settings, however, she took a turn for the worse yesterday, and the doctors told her parents that the only thing they could do would be to move her from her crib to a big bed, and have them snuggled up together when they removed the wires and tubes so that they could hold her for the few minutes that she would live without them. Little Paxten Pearson managed to win my heart over although I had only been following her journey for a few weeks, and from afar. I'm not sure why her death is hitting me harder than so many of the other children...I think it's that there was so much hope for two or three days, because she was surpassing all expectations, and then it suddenly changed. She was only 22 months old...
I say that it hit me more today because last night I couldn't actually accept it. I knew it, but I couldn't accept it until it was actually posted on HER caringbridge site and not the site of another little one that I follow (friends of the Pearson family). That was not posted until today.
Her site is www.caringbridge.org/visit/paxtenpearson
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Mondays-a source of joy and pain
Today was one of those up and down days. It started out quite well, meaning that today was a mind-over-mattress day, I caught the 7:10 bus, had my tea on the bus, wasn't almost asleep even though I didn't get readings done on the bus, made more tea and went to practice, which went pretty well for about two hours :) Practising to start the day is pretty much my favourite way...it just makes everything go better, especially when assisted by green tea! I didn't react quite the way I usually do to green tea though, by the end of the two hours, I was a mixture of exhaustion and caffeine-high. This led to a bit of what I like to call "Chicken-With-Head-Cut-Off-Syndrome", meaning that people suddenly see me having to say out loud "Okay, class...notebook, pen, where's my tea" and basically spinning around a bit too much, and forgetting things and having to back, that type of thing. Which led to me not getting my philosophy readings done before 20th century of Music. Oh well. The caffeine high left before the end of 20th century, unfortunately, before 20th century, my lungs got just irritated enough (most likely due to a combination of several factors...a bit of rushing around mentally, walking outside to class, and then getting a bit of smoke in the face, although not like last week thank goodness!) and I felt like I had let the muscle/whatever heal enough that I could let myself 'indulge' in a little coughing...and really, it wasn't even THAT much...but whatever healing had gone on was basically cancelled out. I had put my notebooks down in the classroom and gone back out to cough (I don't like to disrupt as much as possible, and given that I have coughed long enough previously to feel slightly nauseous and definitely light-headed, you get the picture). When I came back in, I was in quite a bit of pain again, and almost started crying, not even from the pain so much as from the fact that I had destroyed the healing that had gone on. It felt like I was starting totally back at square one, and in many ways I am.
It is a good thing that I am pretty adept with my left hand, as certain things are too painful right now when attempted with my right hand, like opening doors, turning on faucets, taking down paper towels...it's not a LONG pain, but it's sudden and sharp. I learned that the hard way today more than once. But, I can still play my flute, even if I can't lift up my tea mug with my right hand at this point. And I can still write with my right hand. If I can do those two things, then I am 'okay'.
I also found out that my sponsor child has moved, and so I am now sponsoring another little child. It happens, but it's somewhat ironic that the World Vision Newsletter I read just one or two days ago talked about this very thing!
The other small point of problem today came in drinking too much water/tea. Probably close to 3000mls of fluid today in an 85 pound person who was not exercising much. Whoops. I did a little research and realized that that's probably why I had a mild headache...and why having more water wasn't taking care of it! So, tomorrow, a bit less.
Riding the bus home at 9:15 tonight to downtown I ended up talking with one of my friends :) B is an amazing person and it was nice to catch up a bit alone. So that was a nice way to end my 13.5 hour day at the university. At least I was able to be productive in that space between 7 and 9:15, hopefully by tomorrow evening I will be able to actually start WRITING my paper and not just researching it!
And now, I'm going to go to bed with those books...
It is a good thing that I am pretty adept with my left hand, as certain things are too painful right now when attempted with my right hand, like opening doors, turning on faucets, taking down paper towels...it's not a LONG pain, but it's sudden and sharp. I learned that the hard way today more than once. But, I can still play my flute, even if I can't lift up my tea mug with my right hand at this point. And I can still write with my right hand. If I can do those two things, then I am 'okay'.
I also found out that my sponsor child has moved, and so I am now sponsoring another little child. It happens, but it's somewhat ironic that the World Vision Newsletter I read just one or two days ago talked about this very thing!
The other small point of problem today came in drinking too much water/tea. Probably close to 3000mls of fluid today in an 85 pound person who was not exercising much. Whoops. I did a little research and realized that that's probably why I had a mild headache...and why having more water wasn't taking care of it! So, tomorrow, a bit less.
Riding the bus home at 9:15 tonight to downtown I ended up talking with one of my friends :) B is an amazing person and it was nice to catch up a bit alone. So that was a nice way to end my 13.5 hour day at the university. At least I was able to be productive in that space between 7 and 9:15, hopefully by tomorrow evening I will be able to actually start WRITING my paper and not just researching it!
And now, I'm going to go to bed with those books...
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Having one of those moments...
You know those moments, hours, days, sometimes even weeks where you just don't feel like you can do things, where you are exhausted in some sort of way, and even if things are going 'well', it just doesn't seem right somehow and you feel extra emotional? Yep, having one of those moments right now. Not really sure why. Perhaps it has to do with the somewhat painful and unproductive-ness of my flute lesson yesterday. I think, overall, I'm just feeling lonely right now, which is stupid, because it's not like I've been isolated from people. Well, okay, today I'm somewhat isolated, given that I stayed up late and didn't go to church again (my goal is for next sunday, when I will have, at the very least, finished the papers for first semester), and my dad is out at something or other. More likely, I just need to have a really long heart-to-heart type talk with a friend. Not just a brief, passing conversation, but where we meet for tea and talk so much we practically lose our voices, and listen so much that we almost can't hear afterwards. I would be lying if I didn't say that there is a lot going on for me right now that I'm dealing with. The reason I keep talking about it is because it's upsetting, unsettling, and on my mind all the time (that's what happens when you either can't take a deep breath or it hurts to so much that you won't).
My flute teacher L actually made a comment that there had been some concerns about my playing...not in note preparation, or even intonation, but in entrances. Talk about this being the wake-up call week. I practically have a list of things to keep track of on my hand...well, I do have a list of the things that people have been telling me the past week that I am keeping near me...
Some of those things on the list...
-watch entrances, have more confidence with them
-two ears, one mouth...
-live more in the present, people don't always understand your past (one of my friends told me that I tend to talk a lot about high school, and that it confuses people...)
-view myself as ME and ME is a complex person, not just defined by whatever is going on (if anything)
-(I can't even believe that I did this...)...leave cellphone in backpack, even if you ARE waiting for an important email during orchestra (one of my section members didn't actually say this to me, but posted something on facebook that night to all people in the ensembles that she was sick of people texting during orchestra or wind ensemble. I wasn't texting, but I did check for that email once near the end when the conductor was working with the strings during one of those sections where I have 30 odd measures of rests and would not be coming in for a long time even if the music was playing. Still, I can't believe I actually did that, and when I saw that post show up in the news feed, I knew it was at least partially directed at me, and I'm sure that my face was flaming behind my computer screen.
Let's just say I'm not feeling at my peak right now. A bit lost in things, feeling that vulnerable little-girl feeling, wanting a protective hug, you get the picture.
And yet, it's times like this when I feel guilty for feeling lost or hurting, because I follow stories of other families going through so much worse of situations, such as the family of little Noah, who is so incredibly ill with end-stage mitochondrial disease...
www.prayingfornoah.com
I guess it's almost a form of survivor's guilt. I am grateful for my life, but I feel horrible about myself when I feel bad because it's a struggle at times...a bit of a paradox.
My flute teacher L actually made a comment that there had been some concerns about my playing...not in note preparation, or even intonation, but in entrances. Talk about this being the wake-up call week. I practically have a list of things to keep track of on my hand...well, I do have a list of the things that people have been telling me the past week that I am keeping near me...
Some of those things on the list...
-watch entrances, have more confidence with them
-two ears, one mouth...
-live more in the present, people don't always understand your past (one of my friends told me that I tend to talk a lot about high school, and that it confuses people...)
-view myself as ME and ME is a complex person, not just defined by whatever is going on (if anything)
-(I can't even believe that I did this...)...leave cellphone in backpack, even if you ARE waiting for an important email during orchestra (one of my section members didn't actually say this to me, but posted something on facebook that night to all people in the ensembles that she was sick of people texting during orchestra or wind ensemble. I wasn't texting, but I did check for that email once near the end when the conductor was working with the strings during one of those sections where I have 30 odd measures of rests and would not be coming in for a long time even if the music was playing. Still, I can't believe I actually did that, and when I saw that post show up in the news feed, I knew it was at least partially directed at me, and I'm sure that my face was flaming behind my computer screen.
Let's just say I'm not feeling at my peak right now. A bit lost in things, feeling that vulnerable little-girl feeling, wanting a protective hug, you get the picture.
And yet, it's times like this when I feel guilty for feeling lost or hurting, because I follow stories of other families going through so much worse of situations, such as the family of little Noah, who is so incredibly ill with end-stage mitochondrial disease...
www.prayingfornoah.com
I guess it's almost a form of survivor's guilt. I am grateful for my life, but I feel horrible about myself when I feel bad because it's a struggle at times...a bit of a paradox.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Frustrations...
Yes, I am frustrated right now. I am frustrated with myself most of all, for having so much work to do. I am completely frustrated with the smoker that blew their smoke directly in my face on tuesday. And here is why:
Tuesday, after Wind Ensemble rehearsal, I decided I would be more productive staying at the university until I had to bus home for a piano lesson, so I went over to the main library and actually was productive (perhaps aided by the Starbucks green tea...). Everything was great, I really wasn't coughing much and I got some work done. On my way back to the Faculty of Music to heat up some dinner, I decided that, since it was dark out, I would walk the bus route, where it is better lit, and has lots of people around. I should have walked the dark route...I walk past one person, and at that exact moment, I get a face-full of smoke blown directly onto me, right as I happen to be breathing in as well...I started coughing like crazy, and basically didn't fully stop for about fifteen minutes. Later that evening, I noticed a bit of pain around my ribs, but it wasn't too bad, so I ignored it. However, wednesday morning, I had another crazy coughing fit...30 times in a row (or thereabouts). I DEFINITELY sat down for that one, and was glad that I was not completely 'alone' persay...I was actually just outside my friend L's practice room. I didn't think all that much of it at first, but as I continued on during the morning, and then into the afternoon, I noticed some pretty sharp pain in that same spot when I was breathing in, and coughing was quite painful...so was any attempt at laughing, or clearing my throat. A brief remembrance of something flashed into my brain, and I did a little checking online after my philosophy class...and noticed that my symptoms were fitting with that of a possibly cracked rib. My increased risk of osteoporosis (due to the many years that I battled an eating disorder during my childhood and adolesence-the peak bone-building years) made me even more concerned. I gave a phone call to a 24/7 service that lets you speak with a nurse to help figure out what direction you should take in medical care, and she suggested that I should get checked out within a day or two. Because it had been pretty much impossible to play, I figured that I should get it done sooner rather than later, so she gave me some walk-in clinics nearby the university. I bussed down to one, and got even more frustrated. The waiting was one thing, that I could tolerate, but the doctor saw me for about 2 minutes tops, and basically said "I don't see much bruising, and you're 21, you wouldn't have cracked a rib just from coughing". I was frustrated, because I really wasn't able to explain that the pain really felt in some ways like it was under, well, some tissue that might come in useful someday (and would therefore be hard to see) and that I had an increased risk of low bone density and osteoporosis...even at 21. My own doctor would have realized this, but, as with many doctors, it is very hard to get into see her, and given that I am an instrumentalist, I didn't want to be taking chances with my ribs. So, no x-ray was run. Thankfully, I was able to play in orchestra that evening, although I missed my choir rehearsal for the pointless appointment. I wasn't even told the doctor's name, that's how messed up that appointment was. I don't know about how, but I like to know the name of the doctor or nurse that is taking care of me, even if it is a 2-minute visit at a walk-in clinic at 5pm. Just a simple greeting, ex, "Hi, I'm Dr. Jones, what brings you here today/what can I do for you?" It doesn't exactly take long to say that...
Fortunately, the pain is much better than it was on wednesday. It still is uncomfortable to take a deep breath, and coughing...yikes, that hurts. So, I've been suppressing the cough as much as I can. When I can't resist it any longer (a mild grimace there because I just yawned a bit, and that hurts), I have found that, even though it looks really, really strange, the least painful way to do so is to actually hold onto some of the sore area on my ribs and press slightly (not too much, as they are still quite tender...or rather, the muscle is still quite tender). Rolling in bed and things like that hurt still, but I am very glad that I most likely do not have a cracked rib. I say that only because in my mind, I wouldn't have that confirmation unless I actually got an x-ray read. If it's still bothering me by wednesday, I will see my own doctor. In the meantime, I am now in a bit of a catch-22...the coughing. Not coughing protects the muscle from getting hurt further, but not coughing might not be good for my lungs. They do say that 'the cough is the watch-dog of the lungs'. Although it really isn't a productive cough, it's possible that it's doing something to protect them. The nurse did warn me that I still need to keep taking deep breaths, but I admit, I haven't been doing that nearly as much as I should. Not breathing deeply often enough can sometimes lead to the build-up of fluid in the lungs, resulting in infections.
Some of my friends have given me some wake-up calls this week, things that I didn't even notice. I am grateful for them, and for the wake-up calls, although it might have been nice not to have everything so close together...it has been quite a bit to take in. And, don't get me wrong, it really isn't huge stuff, but wake-up calls from four of them in the space of 3 days. Well, that is life sometimes. One of them said that lately, I seem like I'm really viewing myself as a sick person. That might be true, although I definitely do see myself as a student and teacher and what-not. My feeling on that statement is just that, well, this whole thing, whatever it is, really is somewhat disconcerting...whether it turns out to be something, or whether it was all just a stress reaction. Because I don't feel like I can talk to my dad or sister about this, I guess I have been turning to those people around me a bit more, and perhaps too much. Sometimes it's a fine line. With the way everything publicly happened (orchestra episode and now the continued coughing and such) I guess part of me feels like I need to explain things too...have friends/colleagues share in the joy parts (like getting cleared to go to the gym, although I'm not about to try that this weekend...) and the pain parts. Again, balancing act I guess...there is more to my day than how my cough or energy or whatever is, I certainly think of my day as more than that, there are classes, practising, teaching, rehearsals, recitals, all those things, if a friend asks "What's up?" or something of that sort, I definitely can give more than a medical report! Yes, the coughing is pretty obvious, my joke right now to people is that 10 to 1, if they hear someone coughing around the FoM, it's me...that and that I can always be heard coming. Although less so now that I'm holding back on coughing, which isn't really an easy thing...taking things slightly slower does help, but is impractical.
Hopefully, the catch-22 is going to resolve quickly...if I need to cough to keep my lungs functioning, then I need to stop feeling the sharp pain. If the coughing doesn't really need to happen, then as the muscle heals over the next few days, I won't need to cough and things will maybe be more normal...
Glad I have a flute lesson tomorrow...I need some L-encouragement...right now, I am feeling rather discouraged.
Tuesday, after Wind Ensemble rehearsal, I decided I would be more productive staying at the university until I had to bus home for a piano lesson, so I went over to the main library and actually was productive (perhaps aided by the Starbucks green tea...). Everything was great, I really wasn't coughing much and I got some work done. On my way back to the Faculty of Music to heat up some dinner, I decided that, since it was dark out, I would walk the bus route, where it is better lit, and has lots of people around. I should have walked the dark route...I walk past one person, and at that exact moment, I get a face-full of smoke blown directly onto me, right as I happen to be breathing in as well...I started coughing like crazy, and basically didn't fully stop for about fifteen minutes. Later that evening, I noticed a bit of pain around my ribs, but it wasn't too bad, so I ignored it. However, wednesday morning, I had another crazy coughing fit...30 times in a row (or thereabouts). I DEFINITELY sat down for that one, and was glad that I was not completely 'alone' persay...I was actually just outside my friend L's practice room. I didn't think all that much of it at first, but as I continued on during the morning, and then into the afternoon, I noticed some pretty sharp pain in that same spot when I was breathing in, and coughing was quite painful...so was any attempt at laughing, or clearing my throat. A brief remembrance of something flashed into my brain, and I did a little checking online after my philosophy class...and noticed that my symptoms were fitting with that of a possibly cracked rib. My increased risk of osteoporosis (due to the many years that I battled an eating disorder during my childhood and adolesence-the peak bone-building years) made me even more concerned. I gave a phone call to a 24/7 service that lets you speak with a nurse to help figure out what direction you should take in medical care, and she suggested that I should get checked out within a day or two. Because it had been pretty much impossible to play, I figured that I should get it done sooner rather than later, so she gave me some walk-in clinics nearby the university. I bussed down to one, and got even more frustrated. The waiting was one thing, that I could tolerate, but the doctor saw me for about 2 minutes tops, and basically said "I don't see much bruising, and you're 21, you wouldn't have cracked a rib just from coughing". I was frustrated, because I really wasn't able to explain that the pain really felt in some ways like it was under, well, some tissue that might come in useful someday (and would therefore be hard to see) and that I had an increased risk of low bone density and osteoporosis...even at 21. My own doctor would have realized this, but, as with many doctors, it is very hard to get into see her, and given that I am an instrumentalist, I didn't want to be taking chances with my ribs. So, no x-ray was run. Thankfully, I was able to play in orchestra that evening, although I missed my choir rehearsal for the pointless appointment. I wasn't even told the doctor's name, that's how messed up that appointment was. I don't know about how, but I like to know the name of the doctor or nurse that is taking care of me, even if it is a 2-minute visit at a walk-in clinic at 5pm. Just a simple greeting, ex, "Hi, I'm Dr. Jones, what brings you here today/what can I do for you?" It doesn't exactly take long to say that...
Fortunately, the pain is much better than it was on wednesday. It still is uncomfortable to take a deep breath, and coughing...yikes, that hurts. So, I've been suppressing the cough as much as I can. When I can't resist it any longer (a mild grimace there because I just yawned a bit, and that hurts), I have found that, even though it looks really, really strange, the least painful way to do so is to actually hold onto some of the sore area on my ribs and press slightly (not too much, as they are still quite tender...or rather, the muscle is still quite tender). Rolling in bed and things like that hurt still, but I am very glad that I most likely do not have a cracked rib. I say that only because in my mind, I wouldn't have that confirmation unless I actually got an x-ray read. If it's still bothering me by wednesday, I will see my own doctor. In the meantime, I am now in a bit of a catch-22...the coughing. Not coughing protects the muscle from getting hurt further, but not coughing might not be good for my lungs. They do say that 'the cough is the watch-dog of the lungs'. Although it really isn't a productive cough, it's possible that it's doing something to protect them. The nurse did warn me that I still need to keep taking deep breaths, but I admit, I haven't been doing that nearly as much as I should. Not breathing deeply often enough can sometimes lead to the build-up of fluid in the lungs, resulting in infections.
Some of my friends have given me some wake-up calls this week, things that I didn't even notice. I am grateful for them, and for the wake-up calls, although it might have been nice not to have everything so close together...it has been quite a bit to take in. And, don't get me wrong, it really isn't huge stuff, but wake-up calls from four of them in the space of 3 days. Well, that is life sometimes. One of them said that lately, I seem like I'm really viewing myself as a sick person. That might be true, although I definitely do see myself as a student and teacher and what-not. My feeling on that statement is just that, well, this whole thing, whatever it is, really is somewhat disconcerting...whether it turns out to be something, or whether it was all just a stress reaction. Because I don't feel like I can talk to my dad or sister about this, I guess I have been turning to those people around me a bit more, and perhaps too much. Sometimes it's a fine line. With the way everything publicly happened (orchestra episode and now the continued coughing and such) I guess part of me feels like I need to explain things too...have friends/colleagues share in the joy parts (like getting cleared to go to the gym, although I'm not about to try that this weekend...) and the pain parts. Again, balancing act I guess...there is more to my day than how my cough or energy or whatever is, I certainly think of my day as more than that, there are classes, practising, teaching, rehearsals, recitals, all those things, if a friend asks "What's up?" or something of that sort, I definitely can give more than a medical report! Yes, the coughing is pretty obvious, my joke right now to people is that 10 to 1, if they hear someone coughing around the FoM, it's me...that and that I can always be heard coming. Although less so now that I'm holding back on coughing, which isn't really an easy thing...taking things slightly slower does help, but is impractical.
Hopefully, the catch-22 is going to resolve quickly...if I need to cough to keep my lungs functioning, then I need to stop feeling the sharp pain. If the coughing doesn't really need to happen, then as the muscle heals over the next few days, I won't need to cough and things will maybe be more normal...
Glad I have a flute lesson tomorrow...I need some L-encouragement...right now, I am feeling rather discouraged.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Echocardiogram
Today was my echocardiogram. A little bit uncomfortable and long, but not a problem. I will not, however, know the results for at least a couple of weeks, and possible up to a month! It was actually kind of interesting, seeing everything, and the technician was fortunately willing to talk about what he was doing and what we were seeing. Pretty cool, although I naturally would not be able to tell if anything was wrong! All things told, it was actually easier on me doing this test then doing the EKG's. For one thing, the room was darkened.
I found out from the technician that it's probably the latex in the EKG pads that caused my reaction. He said that it was important that I know that...latex sensitivities can develop over time, which would explain why I didn't react before (such as during the 24-hour Holter monitoring when I was 13). But, it can get worse, so I should have it noted on my medical record (ex, if I needed emergency surgery sometime it would be important for the surgeons and nurses to wear latex-free gloves).
That's about all.
I found out from the technician that it's probably the latex in the EKG pads that caused my reaction. He said that it was important that I know that...latex sensitivities can develop over time, which would explain why I didn't react before (such as during the 24-hour Holter monitoring when I was 13). But, it can get worse, so I should have it noted on my medical record (ex, if I needed emergency surgery sometime it would be important for the surgeons and nurses to wear latex-free gloves).
That's about all.
Week so far...
Monday was the stress test, which went okay...
Okay in that the tracing was fine (no arrythmias while exercising)
Not okay in that my heart rate was 185 beats per minute walking at just over 3 miles per hour...
This from a young woman who until mid-November was running 3, 4 miles several days a week. I used to get that heart rate when I was RUNNING at more than 7miles per hour.
Okay in that I got clearance...with caution...to go back to the gym if I feel up to it!
Not okay in that I am now apparently allergic to the gel in the electrode pads that they use to do EKGs. Yes, when the cardiac tech removed them, I had red circles where all the electrodes were! This later turned into small, raised dots. Fortunately, they were not itchy.
Okay in that I didn't really start coughing/having difficulty breathing during the test...but this was actually perhaps something that would have been GOOD to have trouble with! (During the test that is).
Not okay in that my intense modesty made it very hard for me to let the cardiac tech put the electrodes on my chest. Yes, the tech actually had to tell me flat out that I was making it more difficult for her, because I kept moving the gown back whenever she put one on. Which led to the typical 'distracting conversation'...you know, what do you do, are you in university, what do you study, where did you go to high school...this led to finding out that she used to work with the wife of the vice-principal of my old junior high/high school (cue music : "It's a small world after all")
Not okay in the ultimate awkwardness question..."Is that your mom out there in the waiting area?" Something I did NOT anticipate hearing! I suppose I handled it pretty well, I took a second to collect myself (let the shock wear off a bit) and said "No, I took the bus here alone".
Not okay in that I had to miss both my 20th century music class and my Philosophy of Music class. Did I mention that I hate missing classes? (Well, okay, I tolerate it pretty well for Music Festival, but that's about it!)
The best part about the whole experience was getting the clearance to go the gym, and then reading an email from my 1st semester 20th century of music one professor that said that I got a B+ in the course. Not bad at all considering the disastrous midterm!
It has been very cold (sometimes -30 or lower, with a frigid -40 or lower wind chill) this week, and it definitely seems to have irritated my lungs. Going outside, especially if I start rushing a bit seems to start the coughing. Not always, but a good percentage of the time. I try to avoid coughing, it is not a productive cough, it hurts (I think sometimes I am breaking small blood vessels...), and worst of all, it is often hard to stop and I get quite light-headed. Needless to say, it is unpleasant and disconcerting. It sounds a bit like a broken record of a seal barking (think: deep cough). The broken record comment was from a friend (lol!). Activity inside sometimes seems to start it up too...like going downstairs to the washroom during the break of Wind Ensemble or Orchestra rehearsal. Yes, the washrooms in the building we rehearse in are seemingly a kilometre away...so during the start of the second half of rehearsal, I tend to come back coughing (and gasping...). My first discovery that the coughing would and could make me light headed was on tuesday during the Wind Ensemble break. I was about to go up the stairs when I couldn't 'resist' any longer, and so started...10 times in a row. It was enough to concern one of my fellow Wind Ensemble players! (and me for that matter). Orchestral coughing wasn't so bad on wednesday, but that was because I used sheer will to limit myself to 7-8 in a row...and I let my fellow flute/oboe players know that they didn't need to be concerned until I passed that number, but that at 10, I had gotten quite lightheaded.
The main issue with coughing was today...it was sectionals for wind ensemble. The first half of the sectional, we mostly just hung out and relaxed...yes, you can chide us about this, but we were tired, and needing some musician con-fab. I also mention that from 11:30-12:30 we had a flute sectional...and we were productive during that one! (The 1:15-2:15 part was a flute/oboe sectional). So, I was NOT outside, NOT being active...I wasn't even really playing. At 2:15, we were to join the clarinets in the next room over...this involved moving some chairs and stands. So, I moved a chair. And that set off the craziest of coughing/breathing episodes I've ever had, including the time I had bronchitis so badly when I was 17. It was very hard to stop, I was getting light-headed, in between the coughing, I was gasping...I actually left the room and sat down with my head between my knees while the rest started under the direction of one of our guest clinicians. I did come back in after a few minutes, but kept coughing throughout, which was not fun, and also made my stomach jumbled and hurt. When leaving the room at 3:30, I ended up coughing 13 times in a row...not good.
Right now I want to cough, but I won't. Just trying to 'belly breathe' instead of 'shoulder breathe', which I tend to do when I'm having difficulties.
Tomorrow, I go for my echocardiogram. The cardiologist doesn't seem to think that it's my heart, but my question is, if it's not valve issues, then what? That tachycardia/breathing was NOTHING like the panic attacks I had infrequently in high school. And, I hadn't had one in YEARS. As in, not since high school. PLUS, I was feeling so well in control of things! Yes, heart murmurs can be completely innocent, but I had never had one before at any point, not even when I was quite sick or stressed in the past. And how would the stomach issues fit in? All of these things had never happened before, not even during my most stressful times, called 2nd semester of 2nd year, and then 1st semester of 3rd year. I was pushing myself even harder during 2nd semester of 2nd year, and going through even more! Physically, I was also hurting myself...2nd semester of 2nd year was quite the peak of my eating disorder symptoms. I was frequently skipping meals, purging was often at least once or twice a week...so, if this was stress-related, why on earth didn't it happen then? Why now, when I was in a much better place, and truly embracing things and highly positive? What about that incredible fatigue? NEVER have I experienced anything like that before...again, not even when I was at my sickest with bronchitis when I was 17, or with the ear infection when I was 13, or the stomach bugs I had as a child. And that's about all I have to compare to, given that I don't remember the whooping cough I had when I was 4 years old...but from the sounds of it, I was still a lot sicker this past december/january.
Whatever happens, this is God's plan for me, and I am not alone.
On a good note, my friend N.W. from high school completed his radiation treatments on tuesday! Our prayers need to be with him and his family that the radiation/chemo combination has worked to eliminate, or at least shrink significantly, the tumour on his brainstem. With my knowledge of brain tumours, I know that the odds for anything long term are not great, even with a grade one tumour as he has...but that doesn't mean that I won't pray that it is his path to be healed and continue along the life that a 21-year-old man should be living...working, studying, and just plain enjoying life! NW has a good outlook, and gives me strength too.
"Feeling sorry for myself gets me nowhere and gets nothing done"
Okay in that the tracing was fine (no arrythmias while exercising)
Not okay in that my heart rate was 185 beats per minute walking at just over 3 miles per hour...
This from a young woman who until mid-November was running 3, 4 miles several days a week. I used to get that heart rate when I was RUNNING at more than 7miles per hour.
Okay in that I got clearance...with caution...to go back to the gym if I feel up to it!
Not okay in that I am now apparently allergic to the gel in the electrode pads that they use to do EKGs. Yes, when the cardiac tech removed them, I had red circles where all the electrodes were! This later turned into small, raised dots. Fortunately, they were not itchy.
Okay in that I didn't really start coughing/having difficulty breathing during the test...but this was actually perhaps something that would have been GOOD to have trouble with! (During the test that is).
Not okay in that my intense modesty made it very hard for me to let the cardiac tech put the electrodes on my chest. Yes, the tech actually had to tell me flat out that I was making it more difficult for her, because I kept moving the gown back whenever she put one on. Which led to the typical 'distracting conversation'...you know, what do you do, are you in university, what do you study, where did you go to high school...this led to finding out that she used to work with the wife of the vice-principal of my old junior high/high school (cue music : "It's a small world after all")
Not okay in the ultimate awkwardness question..."Is that your mom out there in the waiting area?" Something I did NOT anticipate hearing! I suppose I handled it pretty well, I took a second to collect myself (let the shock wear off a bit) and said "No, I took the bus here alone".
Not okay in that I had to miss both my 20th century music class and my Philosophy of Music class. Did I mention that I hate missing classes? (Well, okay, I tolerate it pretty well for Music Festival, but that's about it!)
The best part about the whole experience was getting the clearance to go the gym, and then reading an email from my 1st semester 20th century of music one professor that said that I got a B+ in the course. Not bad at all considering the disastrous midterm!
It has been very cold (sometimes -30 or lower, with a frigid -40 or lower wind chill) this week, and it definitely seems to have irritated my lungs. Going outside, especially if I start rushing a bit seems to start the coughing. Not always, but a good percentage of the time. I try to avoid coughing, it is not a productive cough, it hurts (I think sometimes I am breaking small blood vessels...), and worst of all, it is often hard to stop and I get quite light-headed. Needless to say, it is unpleasant and disconcerting. It sounds a bit like a broken record of a seal barking (think: deep cough). The broken record comment was from a friend (lol!). Activity inside sometimes seems to start it up too...like going downstairs to the washroom during the break of Wind Ensemble or Orchestra rehearsal. Yes, the washrooms in the building we rehearse in are seemingly a kilometre away...so during the start of the second half of rehearsal, I tend to come back coughing (and gasping...). My first discovery that the coughing would and could make me light headed was on tuesday during the Wind Ensemble break. I was about to go up the stairs when I couldn't 'resist' any longer, and so started...10 times in a row. It was enough to concern one of my fellow Wind Ensemble players! (and me for that matter). Orchestral coughing wasn't so bad on wednesday, but that was because I used sheer will to limit myself to 7-8 in a row...and I let my fellow flute/oboe players know that they didn't need to be concerned until I passed that number, but that at 10, I had gotten quite lightheaded.
The main issue with coughing was today...it was sectionals for wind ensemble. The first half of the sectional, we mostly just hung out and relaxed...yes, you can chide us about this, but we were tired, and needing some musician con-fab. I also mention that from 11:30-12:30 we had a flute sectional...and we were productive during that one! (The 1:15-2:15 part was a flute/oboe sectional). So, I was NOT outside, NOT being active...I wasn't even really playing. At 2:15, we were to join the clarinets in the next room over...this involved moving some chairs and stands. So, I moved a chair. And that set off the craziest of coughing/breathing episodes I've ever had, including the time I had bronchitis so badly when I was 17. It was very hard to stop, I was getting light-headed, in between the coughing, I was gasping...I actually left the room and sat down with my head between my knees while the rest started under the direction of one of our guest clinicians. I did come back in after a few minutes, but kept coughing throughout, which was not fun, and also made my stomach jumbled and hurt. When leaving the room at 3:30, I ended up coughing 13 times in a row...not good.
Right now I want to cough, but I won't. Just trying to 'belly breathe' instead of 'shoulder breathe', which I tend to do when I'm having difficulties.
Tomorrow, I go for my echocardiogram. The cardiologist doesn't seem to think that it's my heart, but my question is, if it's not valve issues, then what? That tachycardia/breathing was NOTHING like the panic attacks I had infrequently in high school. And, I hadn't had one in YEARS. As in, not since high school. PLUS, I was feeling so well in control of things! Yes, heart murmurs can be completely innocent, but I had never had one before at any point, not even when I was quite sick or stressed in the past. And how would the stomach issues fit in? All of these things had never happened before, not even during my most stressful times, called 2nd semester of 2nd year, and then 1st semester of 3rd year. I was pushing myself even harder during 2nd semester of 2nd year, and going through even more! Physically, I was also hurting myself...2nd semester of 2nd year was quite the peak of my eating disorder symptoms. I was frequently skipping meals, purging was often at least once or twice a week...so, if this was stress-related, why on earth didn't it happen then? Why now, when I was in a much better place, and truly embracing things and highly positive? What about that incredible fatigue? NEVER have I experienced anything like that before...again, not even when I was at my sickest with bronchitis when I was 17, or with the ear infection when I was 13, or the stomach bugs I had as a child. And that's about all I have to compare to, given that I don't remember the whooping cough I had when I was 4 years old...but from the sounds of it, I was still a lot sicker this past december/january.
Whatever happens, this is God's plan for me, and I am not alone.
On a good note, my friend N.W. from high school completed his radiation treatments on tuesday! Our prayers need to be with him and his family that the radiation/chemo combination has worked to eliminate, or at least shrink significantly, the tumour on his brainstem. With my knowledge of brain tumours, I know that the odds for anything long term are not great, even with a grade one tumour as he has...but that doesn't mean that I won't pray that it is his path to be healed and continue along the life that a 21-year-old man should be living...working, studying, and just plain enjoying life! NW has a good outlook, and gives me strength too.
"Feeling sorry for myself gets me nowhere and gets nothing done"
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Best position for breathing?
And...it seems that the easiest way for me to breath is when I am bending over...I discovered this randomly tonight when I was practising. It was a trick that my former flute teacher L. used to have me do on a regular basis...bending over and playing a passage. Low and behold, whatever that position did, until I started getting dizzy from too much blood rushing to my head, I was able to breathe a LOT more normally, for a lot longer. I'll have to remember it as a temporary quick-fix...
When I say bending over, I am not kidding. I am standing up, and then bending at the waist so that my head is almost at the ground (allowing enough space for my arms to hold and play my flute). I do not even remember WHY this position works for helping a flute player out (but it does have something to do with breathing). I will have to ask L about it...
When I say bending over, I am not kidding. I am standing up, and then bending at the waist so that my head is almost at the ground (allowing enough space for my arms to hold and play my flute). I do not even remember WHY this position works for helping a flute player out (but it does have something to do with breathing). I will have to ask L about it...
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