Frustrations...

Yes, I am frustrated right now. I am frustrated with myself most of all, for having so much work to do. I am completely frustrated with the smoker that blew their smoke directly in my face on tuesday. And here is why:

Tuesday, after Wind Ensemble rehearsal, I decided I would be more productive staying at the university until I had to bus home for a piano lesson, so I went over to the main library and actually was productive (perhaps aided by the Starbucks green tea...). Everything was great, I really wasn't coughing much and I got some work done. On my way back to the Faculty of Music to heat up some dinner, I decided that, since it was dark out, I would walk the bus route, where it is better lit, and has lots of people around. I should have walked the dark route...I walk past one person, and at that exact moment, I get a face-full of smoke blown directly onto me, right as I happen to be breathing in as well...I started coughing like crazy, and basically didn't fully stop for about fifteen minutes. Later that evening, I noticed a bit of pain around my ribs, but it wasn't too bad, so I ignored it. However, wednesday morning, I had another crazy coughing fit...30 times in a row (or thereabouts). I DEFINITELY sat down for that one, and was glad that I was not completely 'alone' persay...I was actually just outside my friend L's practice room. I didn't think all that much of it at first, but as I continued on during the morning, and then into the afternoon, I noticed some pretty sharp pain in that same spot when I was breathing in, and coughing was quite painful...so was any attempt at laughing, or clearing my throat. A brief remembrance of something flashed into my brain, and I did a little checking online after my philosophy class...and noticed that my symptoms were fitting with that of a possibly cracked rib. My increased risk of osteoporosis (due to the many years that I battled an eating disorder during my childhood and adolesence-the peak bone-building years) made me even more concerned. I gave a phone call to a 24/7 service that lets you speak with a nurse to help figure out what direction you should take in medical care, and she suggested that I should get checked out within a day or two. Because it had been pretty much impossible to play, I figured that I should get it done sooner rather than later, so she gave me some walk-in clinics nearby the university. I bussed down to one, and got even more frustrated. The waiting was one thing, that I could tolerate, but the doctor saw me for about 2 minutes tops, and basically said "I don't see much bruising, and you're 21, you wouldn't have cracked a rib just from coughing". I was frustrated, because I really wasn't able to explain that the pain really felt in some ways like it was under, well, some tissue that might come in useful someday (and would therefore be hard to see) and that I had an increased risk of low bone density and osteoporosis...even at 21. My own doctor would have realized this, but, as with many doctors, it is very hard to get into see her, and given that I am an instrumentalist, I didn't want to be taking chances with my ribs. So, no x-ray was run. Thankfully, I was able to play in orchestra that evening, although I missed my choir rehearsal for the pointless appointment. I wasn't even told the doctor's name, that's how messed up that appointment was. I don't know about how, but I like to know the name of the doctor or nurse that is taking care of me, even if it is a 2-minute visit at a walk-in clinic at 5pm. Just a simple greeting, ex, "Hi, I'm Dr. Jones, what brings you here today/what can I do for you?" It doesn't exactly take long to say that...

Fortunately, the pain is much better than it was on wednesday. It still is uncomfortable to take a deep breath, and coughing...yikes, that hurts. So, I've been suppressing the cough as much as I can. When I can't resist it any longer (a mild grimace there because I just yawned a bit, and that hurts), I have found that, even though it looks really, really strange, the least painful way to do so is to actually hold onto some of the sore area on my ribs and press slightly (not too much, as they are still quite tender...or rather, the muscle is still quite tender). Rolling in bed and things like that hurt still, but I am very glad that I most likely do not have a cracked rib. I say that only because in my mind, I wouldn't have that confirmation unless I actually got an x-ray read. If it's still bothering me by wednesday, I will see my own doctor. In the meantime, I am now in a bit of a catch-22...the coughing. Not coughing protects the muscle from getting hurt further, but not coughing might not be good for my lungs. They do say that 'the cough is the watch-dog of the lungs'. Although it really isn't a productive cough, it's possible that it's doing something to protect them. The nurse did warn me that I still need to keep taking deep breaths, but I admit, I haven't been doing that nearly as much as I should. Not breathing deeply often enough can sometimes lead to the build-up of fluid in the lungs, resulting in infections.

Some of my friends have given me some wake-up calls this week, things that I didn't even notice. I am grateful for them, and for the wake-up calls, although it might have been nice not to have everything so close together...it has been quite a bit to take in. And, don't get me wrong, it really isn't huge stuff, but wake-up calls from four of them in the space of 3 days. Well, that is life sometimes. One of them said that lately, I seem like I'm really viewing myself as a sick person. That might be true, although I definitely do see myself as a student and teacher and what-not. My feeling on that statement is just that, well, this whole thing, whatever it is, really is somewhat disconcerting...whether it turns out to be something, or whether it was all just a stress reaction. Because I don't feel like I can talk to my dad or sister about this, I guess I have been turning to those people around me a bit more, and perhaps too much. Sometimes it's a fine line. With the way everything publicly happened (orchestra episode and now the continued coughing and such) I guess part of me feels like I need to explain things too...have friends/colleagues share in the joy parts (like getting cleared to go to the gym, although I'm not about to try that this weekend...) and the pain parts. Again, balancing act I guess...there is more to my day than how my cough or energy or whatever is, I certainly think of my day as more than that, there are classes, practising, teaching, rehearsals, recitals, all those things, if a friend asks "What's up?" or something of that sort, I definitely can give more than a medical report! Yes, the coughing is pretty obvious, my joke right now to people is that 10 to 1, if they hear someone coughing around the FoM, it's me...that and that I can always be heard coming. Although less so now that I'm holding back on coughing, which isn't really an easy thing...taking things slightly slower does help, but is impractical.

Hopefully, the catch-22 is going to resolve quickly...if I need to cough to keep my lungs functioning, then I need to stop feeling the sharp pain. If the coughing doesn't really need to happen, then as the muscle heals over the next few days, I won't need to cough and things will maybe be more normal...

Glad I have a flute lesson tomorrow...I need some L-encouragement...right now, I am feeling rather discouraged.