Week so far...

Monday was the stress test, which went okay...

Okay in that the tracing was fine (no arrythmias while exercising)

Not okay in that my heart rate was 185 beats per minute walking at just over 3 miles per hour...
This from a young woman who until mid-November was running 3, 4 miles several days a week. I used to get that heart rate when I was RUNNING at more than 7miles per hour.

Okay in that I got clearance...with caution...to go back to the gym if I feel up to it!

Not okay in that I am now apparently allergic to the gel in the electrode pads that they use to do EKGs. Yes, when the cardiac tech removed them, I had red circles where all the electrodes were! This later turned into small, raised dots. Fortunately, they were not itchy.

Okay in that I didn't really start coughing/having difficulty breathing during the test...but this was actually perhaps something that would have been GOOD to have trouble with! (During the test that is).

Not okay in that my intense modesty made it very hard for me to let the cardiac tech put the electrodes on my chest. Yes, the tech actually had to tell me flat out that I was making it more difficult for her, because I kept moving the gown back whenever she put one on. Which led to the typical 'distracting conversation'...you know, what do you do, are you in university, what do you study, where did you go to high school...this led to finding out that she used to work with the wife of the vice-principal of my old junior high/high school (cue music : "It's a small world after all")

Not okay in the ultimate awkwardness question..."Is that your mom out there in the waiting area?" Something I did NOT anticipate hearing! I suppose I handled it pretty well, I took a second to collect myself (let the shock wear off a bit) and said "No, I took the bus here alone".

Not okay in that I had to miss both my 20th century music class and my Philosophy of Music class. Did I mention that I hate missing classes? (Well, okay, I tolerate it pretty well for Music Festival, but that's about it!)

The best part about the whole experience was getting the clearance to go the gym, and then reading an email from my 1st semester 20th century of music one professor that said that I got a B+ in the course. Not bad at all considering the disastrous midterm!

It has been very cold (sometimes -30 or lower, with a frigid -40 or lower wind chill) this week, and it definitely seems to have irritated my lungs. Going outside, especially if I start rushing a bit seems to start the coughing. Not always, but a good percentage of the time. I try to avoid coughing, it is not a productive cough, it hurts (I think sometimes I am breaking small blood vessels...), and worst of all, it is often hard to stop and I get quite light-headed. Needless to say, it is unpleasant and disconcerting. It sounds a bit like a broken record of a seal barking (think: deep cough). The broken record comment was from a friend (lol!). Activity inside sometimes seems to start it up too...like going downstairs to the washroom during the break of Wind Ensemble or Orchestra rehearsal. Yes, the washrooms in the building we rehearse in are seemingly a kilometre away...so during the start of the second half of rehearsal, I tend to come back coughing (and gasping...). My first discovery that the coughing would and could make me light headed was on tuesday during the Wind Ensemble break. I was about to go up the stairs when I couldn't 'resist' any longer, and so started...10 times in a row. It was enough to concern one of my fellow Wind Ensemble players! (and me for that matter). Orchestral coughing wasn't so bad on wednesday, but that was because I used sheer will to limit myself to 7-8 in a row...and I let my fellow flute/oboe players know that they didn't need to be concerned until I passed that number, but that at 10, I had gotten quite lightheaded.

The main issue with coughing was today...it was sectionals for wind ensemble. The first half of the sectional, we mostly just hung out and relaxed...yes, you can chide us about this, but we were tired, and needing some musician con-fab. I also mention that from 11:30-12:30 we had a flute sectional...and we were productive during that one! (The 1:15-2:15 part was a flute/oboe sectional). So, I was NOT outside, NOT being active...I wasn't even really playing. At 2:15, we were to join the clarinets in the next room over...this involved moving some chairs and stands. So, I moved a chair. And that set off the craziest of coughing/breathing episodes I've ever had, including the time I had bronchitis so badly when I was 17. It was very hard to stop, I was getting light-headed, in between the coughing, I was gasping...I actually left the room and sat down with my head between my knees while the rest started under the direction of one of our guest clinicians. I did come back in after a few minutes, but kept coughing throughout, which was not fun, and also made my stomach jumbled and hurt. When leaving the room at 3:30, I ended up coughing 13 times in a row...not good.

Right now I want to cough, but I won't. Just trying to 'belly breathe' instead of 'shoulder breathe', which I tend to do when I'm having difficulties.

Tomorrow, I go for my echocardiogram. The cardiologist doesn't seem to think that it's my heart, but my question is, if it's not valve issues, then what? That tachycardia/breathing was NOTHING like the panic attacks I had infrequently in high school. And, I hadn't had one in YEARS. As in, not since high school. PLUS, I was feeling so well in control of things! Yes, heart murmurs can be completely innocent, but I had never had one before at any point, not even when I was quite sick or stressed in the past. And how would the stomach issues fit in? All of these things had never happened before, not even during my most stressful times, called 2nd semester of 2nd year, and then 1st semester of 3rd year. I was pushing myself even harder during 2nd semester of 2nd year, and going through even more! Physically, I was also hurting myself...2nd semester of 2nd year was quite the peak of my eating disorder symptoms. I was frequently skipping meals, purging was often at least once or twice a week...so, if this was stress-related, why on earth didn't it happen then? Why now, when I was in a much better place, and truly embracing things and highly positive? What about that incredible fatigue? NEVER have I experienced anything like that before...again, not even when I was at my sickest with bronchitis when I was 17, or with the ear infection when I was 13, or the stomach bugs I had as a child. And that's about all I have to compare to, given that I don't remember the whooping cough I had when I was 4 years old...but from the sounds of it, I was still a lot sicker this past december/january.

Whatever happens, this is God's plan for me, and I am not alone.

On a good note, my friend N.W. from high school completed his radiation treatments on tuesday! Our prayers need to be with him and his family that the radiation/chemo combination has worked to eliminate, or at least shrink significantly, the tumour on his brainstem. With my knowledge of brain tumours, I know that the odds for anything long term are not great, even with a grade one tumour as he has...but that doesn't mean that I won't pray that it is his path to be healed and continue along the life that a 21-year-old man should be living...working, studying, and just plain enjoying life! NW has a good outlook, and gives me strength too.

"Feeling sorry for myself gets me nowhere and gets nothing done"