Having one of those moments...

You know those moments, hours, days, sometimes even weeks where you just don't feel like you can do things, where you are exhausted in some sort of way, and even if things are going 'well', it just doesn't seem right somehow and you feel extra emotional? Yep, having one of those moments right now. Not really sure why. Perhaps it has to do with the somewhat painful and unproductive-ness of my flute lesson yesterday. I think, overall, I'm just feeling lonely right now, which is stupid, because it's not like I've been isolated from people. Well, okay, today I'm somewhat isolated, given that I stayed up late and didn't go to church again (my goal is for next sunday, when I will have, at the very least, finished the papers for first semester), and my dad is out at something or other. More likely, I just need to have a really long heart-to-heart type talk with a friend. Not just a brief, passing conversation, but where we meet for tea and talk so much we practically lose our voices, and listen so much that we almost can't hear afterwards. I would be lying if I didn't say that there is a lot going on for me right now that I'm dealing with. The reason I keep talking about it is because it's upsetting, unsettling, and on my mind all the time (that's what happens when you either can't take a deep breath or it hurts to so much that you won't).

My flute teacher L actually made a comment that there had been some concerns about my playing...not in note preparation, or even intonation, but in entrances. Talk about this being the wake-up call week. I practically have a list of things to keep track of on my hand...well, I do have a list of the things that people have been telling me the past week that I am keeping near me...

Some of those things on the list...

-watch entrances, have more confidence with them
-two ears, one mouth...
-live more in the present, people don't always understand your past (one of my friends told me that I tend to talk a lot about high school, and that it confuses people...)
-view myself as ME and ME is a complex person, not just defined by whatever is going on (if anything)
-(I can't even believe that I did this...)...leave cellphone in backpack, even if you ARE waiting for an important email during orchestra (one of my section members didn't actually say this to me, but posted something on facebook that night to all people in the ensembles that she was sick of people texting during orchestra or wind ensemble. I wasn't texting, but I did check for that email once near the end when the conductor was working with the strings during one of those sections where I have 30 odd measures of rests and would not be coming in for a long time even if the music was playing. Still, I can't believe I actually did that, and when I saw that post show up in the news feed, I knew it was at least partially directed at me, and I'm sure that my face was flaming behind my computer screen.

Let's just say I'm not feeling at my peak right now. A bit lost in things, feeling that vulnerable little-girl feeling, wanting a protective hug, you get the picture.

And yet, it's times like this when I feel guilty for feeling lost or hurting, because I follow stories of other families going through so much worse of situations, such as the family of little Noah, who is so incredibly ill with end-stage mitochondrial disease...

www.prayingfornoah.com

I guess it's almost a form of survivor's guilt. I am grateful for my life, but I feel horrible about myself when I feel bad because it's a struggle at times...a bit of a paradox.