Panic

The sleep-deprived and stressed brain spins things in ways that it shouldn't. A combination of several factors kind of messed me up this afternoon. I decided yesterday that I would buy my lunch today. So, at lunchtime I went and (not finding that great of options) got a chicken wrap. While my dad was away for two weeks, I pretty much did not eat any meat, and now it's a problem. One, I am even more uninterested in it then before. Two, it just doesn't work well anymore. I had about a third of the chicken wrap, and it wasn't very good. For some reason, perhaps it was before wind ensemble I began thinking back to my friend and fellow Wind Ensemble colleague's unfortunate bout of food poisoning on our over-nighter trip back home in May. Combined with my minor feelings of discomfort from having eaten the chicken wrap, and then with my sleep-deprived brain, it began spinning into my feeling more ill then I was (which was basically not at all). Physically, it really did make me feel ill, and together this led to a panic-induced nausea wave. Or, at least what felt like nausea. Right at the end of our performance of Carmina Burana for some guest high school students (it was a sit-in, listen, play along interactive concert for them). Either way, feeling that, I just suddenly had to GET OUT OF THERE. Once out of the hall I realized that it wasn't anything physical, it was basically a panic-attack I had induced. The crazy heart rate was what clued me in. I felt pretty stupid overall, but you can only judge how you feel in the moment, and it's not like I've ever done that before. Let's just say that this whole incident has made me feel several ways...one, thankful that it wasn't food poisoning (of course!), two, thankful that my flute friends and conductor were quite concerned when I got back in making sure that I was okay. Three, even more turned off by meat (and I'm definitely never getting a sandwich or wrap from that place in the university again). Four, it's bringing back a lot of bad memories of when panic attacks were a much more common occurrence. That was in the grade ten-twelve years, although my panic feelings about other things were definitely there when I was eleven years old(just manifested themselves in other neurotic ways). With the anxiety/panic, one of the things that I got terrified about was nausea. Yeah, pretty silly, especially as I have never been in a position where it was frequent or anything like that. But, for some reason, that's one thing my brain decided to develop severe anxiety against when I was about 15. I had to sit near exits because I never wanted to be in a position where I couldn't leave quickly. When I was finishing grade eleven, I decided that I would start on Prozac (bad decision) because I was frustrated at not being able to sit in class well from this anxiety. Unfortunately, before it had even hit a therapeutic dose level, it was increasing my anxiety! I was having to leave classes frequently and it just wasn't working. So, today's incident brought back all those bad memories.

What this has taught me is that I'm going to have to see my dietician and discuss going mostly vegetarian. I realize that I need to do it correctly...in amongst the stress of the past week or so, I found out that I had lost four pounds. Whoops. The issue is that when something like that happens it completely makes me want to lose more. Such is the way the brain of someone with an eating disorder works...