Given that the Reformation has more influence on my life than Halloween, that is what I am privately celebrating. In my heart, I am crying, crying, crying because I am aching remembering what October 31st was like last year. I let my dad go to church in the morning, I went over to the hospital and sat in the recliner chair beside my mom, who was unresponsive, except for some pain sounds from time to time. That was the day that one of the nurses asked if she was my grandma. My mom might not have been able to respond, but she was definitely awake to hear it, and I felt so awful as I said that no, she was my mom. Later that day, probably around 7 in the evening, another nurse asked why I wasn't out Trick or Treating. I answered back that I was 20 (I do not look my age, being 4'9 and having a young looking face), but did not put the second part, which was that my mom was incredibly close to death, and even if I HAD been young enough to be out trick or treating, I most definitely would not have been because she was dying.
The past couple of days have been very hard in terms of missing my mom. I listened to a song on my MP3 player this morning, called "Love you out loud". It was written by a mother to honour her young song, who died of ALL (acute lymphoblastic leukemia) at the age of 5. Although the context is a little different, the basic message is applicable to so many. If I had known the time was so short, I would have done...(fill in the blank). Well, that got me thinking to the relationship I had with my mom, and I came up with similar words...
If I had known you'd leave me so soon
Way before those much talked about grandchildren
I would have let you hug me more often
And I would have hugged you too
I would have helped out more
Just to spend time with you
My theory assignments could have been done
On some other day
I would have spent more sunday afternoons with you
When you came home from work
I would have taken a break
From the polynomials, Gregorian chant, Bizet, or MacGamut
Just to hear about your day
I would have said "I love you" a lot more
And closed my door less
Asked about your childhood
And the generations past
Asked about my childhood
And the funny things I did
I can't anymore.
Life isn't always fair
And it wasn't fair here
But maybe, things can be different
I'll say "I love you" more often
And thank you as well
Take the time to know others better
And show that I care
Be grateful for each day
And always remember
That it is a blessing
And can instantly change.
What everyone says about feeling selfish and wanting their loved one back despite the pain, yeah, I'm feeling that right now. To be able to hear my mom's voice again, and have her hug me. I miss her so much right now.
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